My heart plummeted. I saw myself watching a baby being created in an IVF lab—cold, soulless, empty. Then I imagined another woman carrying my child, and my faceless husband falling for her instead, unable to bear my barren body for another second.
I was a mess, my brain all over the place, dragging up horrendous, saddening images. I wished that I could try and see some positivity in this situation, but right now it was all negative.
“Now I know this is huge and life-changing, and I’m very sorry that I couldn’t have better news for you, but I need you to go home and have a proper think over all of your choices. Book an appointment as soon as you know what you want to do, and as I’ve said—time is of the essence here. With each year that goes by, your risk increases.”
“So if I wanted to have a baby, it would be safe for me to get pregnant soon and wait until it’s born before I get the surgery?”
She nodded. “There’s still a risk for you to develop cancer at any age, but I do think it would be safe to have one pregnancy and then schedule the surgeries for around a year or two from now. There’s not a particularly high chance that cancer will strike within the next twenty-four months. But like I said, it’s your decision.”
She stared at me, waiting for me to say something else. I willed myself to come up with something, but my mind wasn’t having any of it, so I simply nodded instead.
I felt myself stand up and shake her hand, and I heard myself thanking her and saying goodbye. I was even aware of myself leaving the doctor’s surgery, but it was like an out of body experience. My brain was scattered. I had no idea what my future held, and that was scary as all hell.
All of the options that lay before me were unappealing—surgery, frozen eggs, surrogacy…none of it was what I wanted. What about a baby now? I wondered. That would give me what I desired—a child, a family to call my own—but how was I going to be able to do that without a husband? A boyfriend, even? I wasn’t seeing anyone, let alone married or in a committed relationship, and before now, I hadn’t really considered having children before the age of thirty. I’d always loved the idea of having a child, but I’d always thought I’d have more time to build my life up first.
Something my Mom once said to me flashed through my mind. You’re never really ready for a child, no matter how old you are or how much you prepare. It’ll always be hard work, but it’s worth it, she’d said. We’d been talking about babies because one of my younger cousins had fallen pregnant at the tender age of eighteen, and I’d been worried that she wasn’t ready for motherhood. She’d been fine, though. The family had supported her, and now she was a great mother to a beautiful five-year-old girl.
I chewed on my lip, considering how I could get pregnant anytime soon, if that was the choice I wanted to make. Without a man in my life who wanted to do it with me, I’d have to go through a sperm bank, and that sounded about as appealing and clinical as my other choices.
I was supposed to go back to the office after my appointment, but I headed home in a robotic manner instead, going through the motions of driving without really noticing exactly where I was going until I was halfway there. As soon as I wandered through the door, I knew why I’d come home instead of going to the office. I would never in a million years have been able to act normally in front of all my colleagues after what just happened.
I fired off a quick text to Eric, lying to him to buy me some time.
I’m sorry, I don’t think I’ll be able to make it back to the office today. My appointment is running behind. I can make up the time elsewhere. I’ll work from home tonight, and I’ll stay late at the office tomorrow. Thanks - Riley.
After only a few seconds, his reply came through. Just one simple word: Okay. From anyone else, this may have seemed a little dismissive, but I knew that Eric meant well. He was just too busy to go into too much detail.
I slid down on my couch, finally allowing a numb feeling to consume me as I tried to figure out what the hell I was going to do.
Health-wise, there was currently nothing that I could do until I made my final choice about whether I would be going through with the surgeries or not, so I had to think outside the box. What else was wrong with my life? What other areas could I improve? Now that time was of the essence, I suddenly wanted to make everything better in my life.
If I only had a short time to live, what did I want to do with it?
If someone asked me this question before I found out about the BRCA results, there would’ve only been one answer, and it was the choice that I’d spent my entire adult life shying away from. Writing. I’d always wanted to be an author, and deep down, that was still my dream. I hadn’t really allowed myself to think about it too much since I’d started my career.
But now…now I wanted more. Now that I knew it was now or never when it came to children, I realized just how much I wanted a baby too.
The idea of a baby made me think of Kaiden for a while—probably because of the ultrasound appointment with him today—and I allowed an image of him to flood my mind. I was no longer wondering who he really was, or how he’d become the man I was now working with. Instead I was just thinking about him, about his rippling muscles, his broad shoulders, his tight six pack. I concentrated on the picture of his tanned skin, his chiseled nose, his lips…and then I was thinking about those lips against mine, and the fireworks they’d caused last night when he kissed me…
My eyes became hooded with desire as I imagined his hands all over me, touching me in the most intimate way and working my body in the way that I imagined only he could. I knew I shouldn’t have been thinking about this, especially after what I’d just been through, but after the horrible day I’d had, it was nice to just think of something else for a while; something distracting and pleasurable.
I pictured his hands moving all over me, and in my fantasy world, I gasped, unable to contain my desire any longer as his fingers traveled down my body and worked their way towards my panties.
I jumped up in my seat, suddenly filled with inspiration. Out of every genre I could have dreamed about writing in, I’d always wanted to write romance. I’d discovered romantic novels at a young age, and I’d always been drawn to the magic within them; the dream of getting my happy ever after in the best possible way.
Could I really do it?
No, of course not. I’d never written before. I had no frame of reference other than the books I’d read by other authors.
Suddenly I remembered Kaiden’s words to me as a child. ‘You’re gonna be the best author ever, Ri.’
Hmm…maybe I could give it a go. Maybe I owed it to eleven-year-old me to at least try, and hell, writing would certainly distract me from my shitty health problems for a few hours.
I might not have any experience, but I supposed everyone had to start somewhere. Plus, I had my fantasies to work with. Romance novels were no longer tame, like they used to be when I was younger. These days they were hot, steamy, and exciting. Sex was an important part of them, so to begin with, why didn’t I try to write a sexy scene while my fantasies were all fresh in my mind?
I raced across the room and grabbed my laptop before opening up a word processing document, and my fingers began to fly over the keyboard almost immediately.
I watch him move his body closer to mine, wrapping his arms around me. My heart is racing with desire, almost bursting from my chest as I feel myself getting so close to what I’ve been desiring all these years.
“Patrick?” I say, wanting him to look into my eyes. I love the way his blue eyes seem to glow in the light, and I need to connect with them right away.
“Yes?” he says, flashing me an inviting smile. He’s happy to be here with me; his eyes are showing that he’s feeling exactly the same way I am.
“I love you.”
I let those words flow free, and it’s like a weight is suddenly being lifted from my shoulders. I’ve felt this way for a very long time, but I’ve never had the opportunity to express it before.
&nbs
p; “I love you too,” he replies before crushing my lips with his.
As our mouths feast on each other, he slowly walks me backwards until I’m pressed against the wall, and then he tugs my top off over my head.
“I want to see you. All of you,” he says, eyes darkening with desire.
I claw at his shirt, wanting to see the thick, ropey muscles that lie beneath. We’ve tried to fight this attraction for too long, and now that we’re finally succumbing to it, I almost don’t know what to do with myself. I need absolutely everything from him.
His ripped torso is a wonderful contrast to my soft curves. Our obvious differences seem to make us work that much better together; we really are a classic case of opposites attract.
I stopped typing for a moment and read back over what I’d done so far, wondering if it was worth anything. Was this all terribly amateur? Was my writing awful? For a moment I was stricken with nerves, but then I realized that I didn’t actually care. Editing could take care of any issues with my writing. At least I was giving it a go and actually trying to write. That was much better than allowing my dream to slip away without even trying, and I wondered why I’d never done this before. Why had I let fear dictate so much of my life?
I kept on typing.
I can feel heat pooling in the bottom of my stomach, slowly creeping its way around my body. It’s setting each one of my limbs on fire, leaving me dizzy with desire. I’m trapped in a lusty haze, and the more that Patrick kisses me, the more intense it becomes.
The more that I wrote, the more I started to feel a little like my main character, as if she were an actual part of me. Of course, in my mind, everything that was happening was between me and Kaiden, so it was hardly surprising that I was quickly becoming turned on.
As he unhooks my bra and tosses it aside, I start to feel emboldened under his scrutinizing gaze. Normally I’m shy about my body, but the way that Patrick is looking at me is making me feel like the sexiest damn woman on the planet.
“You’re so beautiful,” he says before running his hands over my naked breasts, tweaking and playing with my nipples. “And you’re mine.”
I throw my head back, closing my eyes and finally losing myself in the moment. Patrick takes full advantage of this, placing gentle pecks all over my neck, and goose bumps pepper my skin as a reaction to his kisses.
“Oh, god…” I start to groan under his touch, acutely aware of the hot, wet desire between my legs.
As his fingers travel down my body and work their way towards my panties, I gasp, unable to contain my passion any longer. He’s finally going to find out just how much he turns me on. He traces the outline of my underwear, teasingly, until I almost can’t take it anymore, and then, just to send me wild, he presses himself against me, allowing me to feel his rock-hard erection against my leg.
“All for you,” he murmurs into my ear.
I found my hands itching to travel up and down my own body as I wrote this. I was on the edge of desire, and I might just explode if I didn’t give in and give myself what I wanted. I was desperate for an orgasm over the thought of Kaiden doing these things to me, but I couldn’t give in. Not yet. Not when I was on such a roll.
My hands stayed on the keyboard.
He eventually gives me what I want, sliding one of his fingers inside me.
“So wet,” he groans. “So tight.”
I have to fully rest my back against the cool, hard wall because I’m afraid that my legs will buckle at any moment. This is almost too much for me.
He slips in another finger, then another, slowly curling them towards my front wall before pulling out and circling my clit.
“Do you want it?” he asks. I’m too engulfed in passion to respond, so I simply nod. “No, that’s not good enough,” he continues. His tone is commanding now, controlling me. “I want to hear you say it.”
“I want you,” I whisper, almost losing myself in what he’s doing to my body.
“To do what?” he demands, still not satisfied.
“To…to fuck me,” I say, using cruder language than I’ve ever done while fooling around before.
He rewards my obedience by pulling away from me and yanking down his pants, allowing his erection to spring free. I throw my hands over my mouth at the sight of it. It’s bigger than I could have ever imagined—much bigger than I’ve ever had before.
“Like what you see?” he says with a playful smirk, pleased by my reaction.
I don’t answer him. I don’t even need to; he can see how badly I want him, so instead I step forward and wrap my hands around his shaft, feeling every inch of it. I glance up at him for a moment before dropping to my knees and wrapping my hungry mouth around him.
I couldn’t take it anymore. The idea of having Kaiden’s cock in my mouth was too damn much. The thought of being under his control completely overcame me, and I slipped one hand into my underwear, teasing myself.
I used the other hand to write, for as long as I could.
Patrick groans under the power of my lips as I turn him into a trembling mess. After a few minutes, he clearly can’t take it anymore, and he takes my face in his hands and pulls me up.
“No more, Maria,” he says. “I need to feel you.”
That’s exactly what I need too. He guides me back towards the wall and lifts me up, and as we kiss deeply I throw one of my legs around him, gasping as I feel his cock teasing my entrance.
“Please,” I beg. “I can’t take it anymore. I need you now.”
He stares at me, eyes smoldering, and then he plunges deep inside me…
I couldn’t take it for another second. I stopped typing and let the laptop slide off my legs as I became too turned on to continue.
I tipped my head backwards before closing my eyes and picturing myself and Kaiden more clearly. He was thrusting inside me up against a wall, just as Patrick and Maria were doing in my story.
My fingers flicked over my clit, teasing and coaxing it out, and I arched my back with pleasure. I couldn’t believe how much I’d turned myself on with my own writing. That had to be a good sign, right? It mustn’t be too bad, if it’d done this to me. Then again, it wasn’t exactly the writing that had turned me on….it was the thought of Kaiden.
Why-oh-why had I pushed him away last night when he kissed me? I knew there had been a reason, but for the life of me, I couldn’t remember what it was; not while I was this aroused.
I slid my other hand down between my legs and dipped one finger inside my slick entrance, and I groaned before biting my lower lip to stop myself from crying out. I was lost now; lost in the fantasy. Nothing would’ve been able to drag me out of it in that moment, not even reality, like the fact that Kaiden could never be mine or the fact that my health had been compromised…none of it.
That’s the thing about fantasies. Nothing and no one can ever take them away from you.
I sighed with pleasure, and in my mind, Kaiden fucked me harder.
Deeper.
Faster.
Without remorse.
My body began to shudder and tremble beneath my expert touch. This orgasm felt like it’d been building for a very long time, like I’d been balancing on the edge of it forever, and when it finally burst free, I really let go. I screamed, I moaned, I writhed. I truly gave in to the pleasure, and part of me wondered if it would feel this good with Kaiden in real life.
Not that I’d ever have the chance to find out.
I leaned back in the chair, panting heavily and basking in my post-climactic glow before reality started to settle around me once more.
Everything that I’d allowed myself to forget about while I’d been writing returned to the forefront of my mind, leaving me with only two options. I could crawl into bed and weep over everything that I might never have—Kaiden, a baby, and a family—or I could remember everything that I’d just thought about and write it down, completing the scene. One of these choices would mean facing up to the depressing truth, and the other would be worki
ng towards a better future where I could change that truth and make a whole new destiny for myself.
So which would it be?
I only thought about it for a second longer, and then I picked up my laptop and allowed the words to flow on the screen once more.
Chapter 10
Kaiden
“Urgh...”
I grunted to myself, allowing the front door of my house to slam shut behind me as I strode inside. The press conference had been a fucking nightmare—Serra had been fooling me earlier with her ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude about the whole deal. She’d ruled the entire thing, manipulating every moment to make herself look like the ‘good girl’ in the situation, and she’d made me look like a bumbling idiot at the same time. I really should’ve learned my lesson by now. I knew what she was capable of, but I’d allowed myself to get sucked in once again.
What a fool.
None of it would have happened if Riley had been there, and I found myself wishing she had been for the millionth time today. She’d said she had an appointment to get to, but I had no idea what it was. I guess it was none of my business, anyway.
I stomped up into the kitchen, flicking my espresso machine on to make myself a drink, as I didn’t think that I could go another moment without any caffeine inside me. As I finally allowed myself to sit down, I took a moment to absorb it all. This had been a huge day for me—possibly the most important one of my life so far. It was really happening; I was really going to be a father. Much as the rest of it was a nightmare, there was at least that one positive thing coming out of it. The baby. My baby.
I could deal with all of Serra’s bullshit if I just kept my mind focused on that one prize.
‘Are you looking forward to being a dad?’ one of the journalists had asked me at the press conference, a serious expression plastered on his face.
‘Yes, of course,’ I’d replied with a broad grin. I knew I hadn’t been portrayed very well up until this point, and I’d wanted to do all that I could to change that. I needed them to know that I was going to do a good job as a father.
Bad Boy Brit (A British Bad Boy Romance) Page 31
