Riding Solo

by Woods, Karen

  The doctor spoke in a clear voice as he read through his notes. “Martin is a lucky man. We got to him just in time. He’s had a massive heart attack. We’ve stabilised him at the moment and hopefully he will pull through. I don’t know if he’ll have any long term damage yet, it’s too early to tell.”

  Tears streamed down Grace’s cheeks, her shoulders were shaking, she was relieved. “Thank you Lord, thank you,” she muttered. The doctor stood to his feet. “You can come and see him now, but he needs rest, so can I ask that you don’t stay too long.” Grace wiped her eyes and patted the doctor gently on the middle of his arm. They followed him to a small room at the side of the corridor. The lighting was soft and the place was eerie.

  A heart monitor bleeped away rapidly on the screen. You could see the rhythm of Martin’s heartbeat. Winnie walked over to it and examined it further. “So, this clown does have a heart then?”

  Grace was next to the bed and she leant over to kiss her husband’s forehead, she never answered her. Winnie was watching her eagerly, but she stayed where she was for now. “Martin you scared the life out of me. I don’t know what I would have done if you’d died,” Grace’s head was low and resting on the bed. “I know I’ve wished you dead in the past but this has just brought it all home to me.” Martin’s eyes flickered and you could see him squeezing at her fingers. Sitting down she sobbed her heart out. Months of heartache came to the surface. “What are we going to do Martin? This is all such a big mess. You’ve hurt me you know, more than you’ll ever know. I’m dead inside.”

  Winnie screwed her face up and walked to her friend’s side, patting her on the shoulder she spoke. “I’ll leave you to it, just give me a shout when you’re ready to leave.”

  Grace nodded and watched her leave the room. Once she was gone she sat talking to Martin whose eyes were opened slightly now. “I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for what you did to us. I thought we were forever, soul mates.”

  Martin wriggled about on the bed and licked his dry cracked lips. “I’m so sorry,” he gasped.

  Grace played with each of his fingers and stopped when she touched his wedding ring. Slowly her fingers slid across it and she closed her eyes tightly. “I want us to try again. Today has made me realise that I still love you. I would have never forgiven myself if you’d died today. I’m a proud woman Martin, what did you expect?”

  Winnie’s head bobbed up at the small glass window on the door, she was bored now and she wanted to go home. Opening the door slightly she whispered in a low tone. “I’m going to get off home love. Phone me when you’re back and I’ll nip over for a brew.”

  Grace stood up and walked over to the door. “Thanks for coming with me. I’ll ring you when I get home.” Winnie kissed her cheek and left Grace to go back to the hospital bed.

  Grace sat listening to her husband’s heart beating on the screen at the side of her, her head was spinning, she was so mixed up she didn’t know what she wanted anymore. Martin was asleep and his chest was rising slowly. His breathing was laboured. The colour had started to return to his skin and he looked a lot better. Grace stood pacing the floor. Half of her wanted to walk right out of the room and never to return again, whilst the other half of her wanted to give her marriage another go. Looking at Martin she studied his face. Her eyes were drawn to his lips. They were thinned out, not as shapely as they used to be. Wrapping her arms around her body a shiver surged up her spine. She closed her eyes and could see him kissing Monica. It was as clear as daylight in her mind. She was tormented by the vision and ran outside for some fresh air, she was suffocating, her windpipe was closing up and her breathing was restricted. The thought of Martin ever touching her again made her skin crawl. His hands that had touched another woman’s body, caressing her flesh, it was driving her insane, could she ever go back to him to try again?

  Grace sat on a small wooden bench outside the hospital. She was waiting for her son to come, she’d phoned him hours ago and he still wasn’t there. If he was any more laid back he would have been asleep. Sucking hard on a cigarette she watched the goings- on around her. There was an old man sat not far from her and she could hear him arguing with his wife. His voice was loud and he was holding nothing back. Grey clouds were forming in the sky above and they looked angry as they floated overhead in the distance. An ambulance pulled up and this was a casualty. The medics were running around in a panic. The victim’s family were crying hysterically and it didn’t look like the man was going to pull through. Grace sat up tall and watched with curiosity. The doctors were outside now and they were giving emergency treatment right there on the car park. Grace jumped when a hand pressed firmly on her shoulder, it was her eldest son Phil.

  “How is he mam?”

  Grace choked back the tears and tried to speak. “He’s doing fine. The doctor said he’s a lucky man.”

  Her son sat down next to her and watched the drama that was happening not far from where they were. “How are you? I bet it shit you up didn’t it?”

  “You can say that again son. I swear to you, it’s knocked the wind out of my sails for sure.” Grace stubbed her cigarette out and looked at Phil. He was the image of his father.

  “Come on, we can go and see him if you want?”

  Phil sat frozen and dipped his head low. “Just give me a few minutes first ay mam. You know I’m crap at stuff like this. I just need to take it all in before I go and see him.”

  Grace sat back down and pulled her coat around her, she was shaking inside and her teeth were chattering together. “How have you been then mam? I know I’ve not been to see you much, but I’ve had troubles of my own and all that.”

  Grace shrugged her shoulders and rolled her eyes. “I’m a grown woman son. I don’t need you to come and see me, I can look after myself.” She was lying and he could see right through her, she was always stubborn and never admitted when she needed help. Grace saw it as a sign of weakness to ask for any kind help from anyone, if she had a problem, she dealt with it herself.

  “So, are you and my dad back to normal then? I mean, has he moved back in with you and all that?”

  Grace bit hard on her bottom lip and even though she didn’t want to burden her son with her own problems she couldn’t help herself. “Oh, he declared he wasn’t going anywhere and moved back in last week. He’s a hard faced fucker that one is. He thinks now he’s been caught in the act I should just take it on the chin and put it all in the past,” she gasped her breath. “But I can’t just forget about it, can I?”

  Phil played with his fingers and kept his eyes low. “Mam, it was a mistake. Give him a break ay? Everyone deserves a second chance.”

  “Parking in the wrong parking space is a fucking mistake son. He knew full well what he was doing when he jumped into bed with that tart. I’ve met someone else too, so let’s see how he likes it. You reap what you sow don’t you?”

  Phil went beetroot and his ears were bright red. A large vein at the side of his neck was pumping with rage. “What, you’re seeing another man?”

  Grace took a deep breath and looked him directly in the eyes. “Yes, I am. He’s called Danny for your information. He treats me like a princess.”

  Her son bolted up from the bench and stamped his foot like a spoiled brat. “You need to cart him, mother. How old do you think you are? You don’t want to get a name for yourself do you?”

  Grace was fuming and clenched her teeth tightly together. Who did he think he was talking to? “Did your father get a name for himself when he was screwing that slapper Monica?” she went nose to nose with him. “No, it was all, oh, he’s made a mistake and how sorry he was. If it’s good enough for the goose, then it’s good enough for the gander.”

  Her son stood snarling at her. He jerked his head slowly as he stood waiting for her. “No wonder he’s had a bleeding heart attack then. You need to start acting your age and not like some desperate woman. They have names for people like you?”

  Grace saw red and ran at him,
she dragged him to the side of the wall and pinned him up against it. Her warm breath was in his face. “Listen, you stuck up prick. Don’t you come down here lecturing me about my life, when you don’t know shit about what goes on behind closed doors? If you took the bleeding time to come and visit us every now and then you would have seen we’ve not been happy for a long time.” She let go of him and backed off. She was livid. “You go and see your dad. I’m going home.” she pointed her finger at him. “As from now, I’m done with him. He’s your dad and you can sort him out. Let’s see how you like it when you get the rotten end of the stick. Like I said, it’s over.” Grace walked away at speed and left her son gobsmacked. The wind was picking up and it seemed to be holding her back. Dipping her head low she made her way to the bus stop. Tears streamed down her cheeks and the mascara had run all down her face. The bus approached and she stuck her hand out waiting for it to stop. She needed to get away as fast as she could. How had she ever thought she could go back to Martin?

  Grace packed all Martin’s stuff and placed it neatly near the front door. So what if people thought she was heartless? She was doing what she thought was right in her own heart. This marriage was over once and for all. Grace sat down in the chair and the house phone started ringing. Reaching over to grip it she could hear Danny’s voice. After she’d spoken with him for over half an hour she ended the call. She’d arranged to meet him later that night. Closing her eyes slowly she was having a quick nap when a banging on the window made her jump. Getting up with an effort she let Winnie in, who was hysterical. “He thinks I’m having an affair Grace. He’s just told me now that when he finds out who it is, he’s going to shoot him.”

  Grace was confused. “What the hell are you going on about?”

  Winnie plonked down on the sofa and held her head in her hands. “Stan thinks I’m having an affair, look at my neck the crazy fucker tried to strangle me. He said he’s heard me sneaking about in the middle of the night and that I’m dressing differently.”

  Grace cradled her in her arms and her own worries seemed to disappear from her mind. “Have you told him you’re singing in the pub?”

  Winnie sobbed and shook her head. “No, have I bleeding hell. I love singing and he’s not putting a stop to that, no way in this world.”

  Grace sighed. “Well, you are dressing up aren’t you? And, he knows you’re going out at night, what else is he supposed to think? You need to put your cards on the table and tell him straight. Let’s face it what can he do about it?”

  Winnie snivelled and wiped her tears on the corner of her sleeve. “He’ll go off his head Grace. I’ve told you what he was like in the past, he hated me singing.”

  Grace jumped into the conversation and growled at her. “Well, that was then. Don’t let any man tell you what you can do anymore. It’s your life not his!”

  Winnie blew her nose and the corners of her mouth started to rise. “Do you know what love, you’re right. What do I have to be scared of? I sit in that house all day looking after him and his needs. It’s about time I had some fun myself. You’re right; I’m going to tell him.” Grace hugged her and kissed the side of her cheek. Winnie stepped back. “Will you come with me while I tell him? He’ll be so much calmer if you’re there?”

  Grace chuckled and rubbed her arm. “Of course I will. If the old git starts with me I’ll open a can of whoop ass on him. I’ve still got a few moves left you know Winnie?”

  The women were laughing their heads off when Winnie froze. “What’s happened with Martin, is he okay?”

  Grace paced the front room and raised her eyes to the ceiling. “He’s in good hands. I’m not going back to the hospital. As far as I’m concerned it’s over. I don’t wish Martin any harm, but as my husband he can take a running jump. I’m done with him.”

  Winnie sat down and crossed her legs. “But, I thought I heard you say you loved him at the hospital?”

  “I did Winnie, I loved the man he was years ago, but not the man he is today. He’s hurt me too much, there is no going back. I couldn’t do it the way I feel at the moment, it sickens me even to look at him.” Grace leant forward. “I did think about us getting back together, I won’t lie to you. But, in my head I could see him making love to his mistress and laughing and joking with her. My stomach churned I can tell you. How could I ever go back to him thinking the way I do? I would send myself mental. I see it that I’ve got another chance of happiness with Danny, why should I throw all that away just because Martin has seen the light. Abuse it and lose it that’s what I say. I could never get back with him, not now, not ever.”

  Winnie was quiet and she was studying her friend, she could tell she was serious and kept her big trap shut for once. Winnie stood up and rubbed at her arms vigorously. “Will you come to my house to see Stan with me? It’s now or never. My arse is twitching already, he’ll go ballistic when he knows what I’ve been up too, but ay, does this face look bothered?”

  Grace chuckled and pulled her out of the front room. “Yes, you do look bothered love, but it’s his problem not yours. Let’s go and see the miserable old fart then and see what he has to say.” The women left the house and headed to see Stan.

  Winnie held a single finger up to her lips as they entered her house. “Let me see if he’s awake before we go and see him.” Grace started to take her coat off in the hallway and stood fidgeting. She could hear voices from the next room, loud voices. Approaching with caution she crept to the door and peeped inside. Winnie was stood at the end of the sofa and she could see Stan flinging missiles at her. Before she could stop herself she was stood in the front room staring right into Stan’s eyes. There was no way she was standing back letting this happen. “Turn it in, you barmy bastard?” Stan was struggling to sit up and if he could have moved he would have swung for Grace. Winnie was picking the cushions up from the floor and she was red in the face. “Stan, I haven’t met anyone else. Stop being stupid and just listen to me for one minute and I’ll tell you what I’ve been doing.”

  Stan coughed and banged his clenched fist onto his chest, he was gasping for breath. She ran to his side and helped him to sit up. “See, this always happens when you get yourself into a panic, just take deep breaths for a minute and catch your breath.”

  Grace sat down in the armchair facing Stan and watched as he blew deep breaths through his mouth. Winnie was still patting the lower part of his back softly. Once he’d finished, he shot a look at his wife and the side of his cheeks creased. “Well, come on then spit it out,”

  Winnie sat near him playing with her fingers. She just blurted it out. “I’m singing again Stan. I do a few nights in the local pub; do you know the one we used to go when we were dating? The Golden Tavern?”

  He nodded and gripped the side of his chair. “What, you’re singing again. Where has all this come from?”

  Winnie struggled for words but once she’d found them she let him have it. “Listen, I’ve spent years looking after you and for once I want to do something for myself. It’s not my fault you had an accident. I’ve done everything for you and if you can’t support me with my dream, then I’m leaving you. You ruined any chances of me becoming a singer years ago and I’m not letting you do it again.”

  Stan was spitting feathers. “Do you think for one minute I’m letting any wife of mine get up in the local boozer singing? Are you having a mid-life crisis or something? You must be tapped in the head thinking that I would let you sing again. You’d be a laughing stock.”

  Winnie stood tall and walked to his side. She leant down and stared straight into his eyes. She was confident. “Well, if that’s how you want to play it, then I’m leaving you. Like I said, it’s my dream and if you don’t want to support me you can take a hike. You can get someone else to take care of you too. I’ve had enough.”

  Stan was in a panic and he was trying to get up out of his seat, he was wobbling. His kneecaps were bright red. Grace stood back watching it all with an open mouth. Winnie waited at the living
room door with her hands placed firmly on her hips. “Can I stay at your house Grace until I find myself somewhere else to live?” Grace nodded and watched her leave the room.

  A single bulky tear fell down Stan’s cheek and he was blubbering. “Grace shout her back, she can’t just leave me. I need her.”

  Grace flicked her hair back over her shoulder and answered him, she was calm. “Stan, you need to support her in what she wants to do. She’s never asked for anything in her life and her world revolves around you. Just be proud of her for a change and let her do it.”

  Stan was chomping on the bit, he was fuming. “Over my dead body Grace, she’s just got something into her head and won’t back down. This dream of singing is just an excuse to leave me. Her voice isn’t that good anyway. I bet all the punters are laughing at her behind her back; she’s making a fool out of herself. You need to have a word with her and make her see sense.”

  Grace shook her head, she wanted to smack this man around the face, he was so negative. “I’ve heard her singing Stan, and do you know what? She’s good, why are you being so selfish? Just come and hear her sing and then I’m sure you’ll change your mind then. Give her a chance.”

  Before she could finish speaking Winnie came back inside the room holding a small bag with some clothes stuffed inside it. “Right Stan, I’ve phoned your sister and she’s coming to look after you. You know where I am if you change your mind, but be warned, I won’t wait forever.”

  Grace smirked and winked at her. As they left they could hear Stan yelling at the top of his voice behind them. Winnie rammed her two fingers in the air and opened the front door. “It looks like I’m your new housemate then, doesn’t it.” They giggled as they walked down the garden path.

  *

  Grace awoke with a start. Her son was stood hammering his fist onto the front door. Her pace quickened as she sped towards him. “Stop knocking like that will you?” Turning his head he met the eyes of his mother. “I’ve just come to get my dad’s stuff together. I hope Danny boy’s not here with you because he’ll feel my foot up his arse if he is.”