Riding Solo

by Woods, Karen

  Harry lay in a ditch not far from the roadside. He’d managed to stagger this far without falling. Lay on his back he opened his eyes and stared at the moonlight. It was a full moon tonight and it looked magical in the dark sky. Wiping the spit hanging from the side of his mouth he crawled along the grass verge like a slug, he wasn’t making much progress at all and every now and then he sobbed his heart out and punched his clenched fist into the ground. “Why, why,” he sobbed.

  Once Winnie had finished her performance she took her bow with pride. Her heart was racing and you could see balls of sweat dripping from her forehead. A man came up to her and grabbed her around the waist. “What a superb voice you have darling, you’ve made my night.” Before the man could finish talking he screamed out in pain as Stan rammed his wheelchair into the back of his knees. The man turned around quickly and he was ready for punching Stan’s lights out until he saw he was disabled. He bent down so he was nose to nose with Stan and gave him a piece of his mind. “You need to be careful you do mate, you nearly sent me flying.”

  Stan was trying to stand up but his legs were weak and he was fighting a losing battle. “You need to be careful touching my wife. I’ve just seen you all over her like a rash.”

  Winnie had heard enough and she gritted her teeth at Stan. “Oh, here we go again. History is repeating itself isn’t it?”

  Stan sat back in his chair and before he could answer his wife she opened fire on him. “Why have you come here anyway? You’ve not moved out of the house in years. You hate coming to the pub you told me?”

  Stan inhaled deeply and his eyes were welling up, he reached his hand out towards her but she moved away. “I’ve come to get my wife back, that’s why I’m here. Winnie, I listened to you singing and you’re right, you’re so talented. I’m so sorry for not supporting you in the past. I just got locked up in my world and never really appreciated what you did for me. I should never have stopped you singing,” he held his hand out again and this time she gripped it tightly. Stan continued, he was so sincere. “I was jealous of you. I thought you would run off and leave me.”

  Winnie was full of confidence now, “Correct Stan,” she answered, looking pleased with herself, “I am talented. For years I’ve been cooped up in the house with you and never once have you said, let’s go out for something to eat, or even go for a few drinks. Yes, you’re disabled, but you’re not bleeding dead are you?” Stan was blubbering and Grace could see his pain. Winnie was on a roll and she opened her true feelings to him. “I have felt like a new woman since I left you Stan, there you go I’ve said it.” His jaw dropped as she pulled away from him. “I was dead inside to tell you the truth. Day in, day out I tended to your needs and never once did you ask if I was happy. You had an accident yes, and things have changed, but I never changed, I was still me.”

  Grace tried to calm her down and made them go out of the public view because everyone was looking at them. Once they were alone Winnie continued, she sat down on a chair facing him and looked him straight in the eyes. “When was the last time we made love?” Stan stuttered but she wouldn’t let him get a word in edgeways, she placed a single finger on his lips. “You can’t remember can you? I’m still a woman Stan. You’ve never once told me that you found me sexy or anything. To you I was just a home help who ran about after you each day.” Winnie was raging and her hands were shaking. “It’s true isn’t it Stan?”

  There was a silence before he replied to her. His hands gripped the side of his wheelchair and his knuckles were turning white. “I never stopped loving you Winnie. The accident knocked me for six and perhaps you’re right I did give up on life, but, if you have me back I swear to you now, on my mother’s grave, that things will change. I’m nothing without you.” A single tear ran down her cheek as she listened to his endearing words. This was the first time in years he’d ever opened up to her and let his feelings be known. “I thought you didn’t love me anymore Winnie. I even thought about ending my life you know and putting you out of this misery. You deserve much more than I can offer.”

  Winnie shook her head and the corners of her mouth started to rise. “Stan, I love you now like I always have. It would be nice for you to take an interest in me every now and then that’s all.”

  Grace and Stan’s sister popped their heads around the corner and Winnie held a flat palm up at them both. “We’re fine girls; just let us have a few more minutes together.” Grace walked away and headed towards the bar, Stan’s sister followed her and they were nattering.

  Stan made sure they were alone and stretched his neck. “I can change Winnie. We can have sex all the time if you want to. I just thought you weren’t interested in sex with a disabled man anymore that’s all.”

  “I bleeding well love you, Stan,” Winnie gasped, “I know you’re disabled, bleeding hell, you’ve told me enough times. But we can work around that. I miss your touch, I miss kissing you, and I miss being part of you. Do you think it hasn’t affected me being away from you, because it has, you know. I want to carry on singing and for you to be at my side supporting me.”

  Stan choked up and swallowed hard. “Come back to me Winnie and I’ll show you how much I’ve changed. I promise you that from today I’ll be the husband you deserve.”

  She sat twisting her fingers, she was smirking. “I’ll have to think about it,” she sniggered. Stan was smiling and he knew he’d won her heart back again. Winnie was back to her old self now and she prodded her husband in his waist. “So if I come back home tonight can we have a leg-over?”

  Stan burst out laughing and held the lower part of his stomach. “You’re such a rum bleeder you are. And, yes, we can have a bit of slap and tickle if you’re up for it.” Winnie plonked herself on her husband’s lap. Whatever she whispered into his ear made his jaw drop and his eyes open wide. As she got up from his lap he spanked her bum cheeks and chuckled loudly. “I can try it, but I’m not promising anything,” he sniggered.

  The night was over and Grace walked home with Stan and Winnie. Stan was screaming as his wife sprinted over some speed bumps with him. She was howling laughing and full of high spirits. Grace looked at the couple in the distance and realised she missed her marriage. She missed the old times when love was fresh and full of life, she missed being part of a team, the team that was her marriage. Stan and Winnie watched Grace walking down her garden path, when she opened her front door she turned and waved at them both. Winnie was still acting the goat and you hear Stan howling laughing as they walked down the street towards their house. Winnie and Stan had found each other again. The marriage that was old and deflated now seemed alive and new. Cupid had definitely shot his arrow at them both again.

  Grace closed her front door and stood with her back against it, her heart was low. Eyes looking along the hallway, she looked at the mess she’d caused and held her hand over her mouth in disgust. Trudging into the front room she fell onto the sofa. Her life was a mess and out of control. Somehow, someway, she needed to sort her life out and get things back to normal before she lost the plot for good. Sitting down she reached for her handbag and pulled out a pen and some paper. She sat rolling the pen about in her fingers just staring into space.

  Grace was writing for a long time. When she’d finished she sat back and read over her work. She’d written about how she was feeling and all the emotions she’d been through since the split with her husband. The last sentence on her paper started with, Love is... Grace chewed on the end of her black biro and she was thinking. All of a sudden she started writing again. Love is pain, love is understanding. Love is forgiveness. Before the night was over Grace had filled two pages with her love is answers. Her eyes were closing and she was drifting off to sleep. Pulling her coat over her shoulders on the sofa she snuggled down with the pieces of paper still held tight in her grip.

  The birds were tweeting outside and they were excited about something. Grace opened her eyes and stretched her hands over her head. The ache was still there in her heart, as it
had been every morning since Martin had left and every day that passed it wasn’t getting any better. The family photo album was nearby and her eyes focused on it. Reaching over she grabbed it and lit a cigarette. Grace turned the pages slowly and she was smiling half-heartedly at the pictures. Finger stroking over her husband’s face on the photograph she spoke to him in a low voice. “Why do I still love you, after all you’ve done to me Martin? I’ve tried to move on and I’m pretending to myself that I can, but,” she paused, “in reality, I feel empty inside. I don’t know if I can ever forgive you, but my heart is still aching for you. Please God,” she looked up to the ceiling, “help me make the right choices. I just need strength to get through this, I can’t do it anymore.” Tears were streaming down her cheeks and she was snivelling. Getting up from her seat to put the kettle on she stood frozen, somebody was at the front door. Straightening her hair she walked into the hallway, her eyes dipped to the letter lying on the floor. The postman was early today; usually he was a lot later. Picking the letter up she studied it in more details, the address was hand written and it was Martin’s handwriting. Grace was anxious as she went back into the kitchen. She placed the letter on the side and stood gawping at it. After making a cup of coffee she picked the letter up and headed back into the front room. Turning the radio on she listened to a song that reminded her, of a holiday she went on a few years earlier with Martin. Grace held the letter in her hands and slowly her index finger slid under the small gap at the top of the white envelope. Grace started to read the letter and she looked serious.

  Dear Grace

  I don’t know where to start with this letter and I know you will probably put it in the bin before you’ve even read it, but that’s a chance I’m willing to take to try and win you back. Firstly, I’m pulling the house off the market, the house is yours and I should have never expected you to leave it because of my mistake. A lot of time has passed since you’ve not been by my side and even now my heart is still breaking for you. I was a fool Grace, and I slipped when I should have realised exactly what we had together. I know I’ve said some bad things to you and I can only apologise, I was just angry. The years I was your husband were the best years in my life. I just didn’t know it at the time. You were my everything, and I messed up completely. I know in my heart I will never love another woman like I love you. In fact, I don’t ever want anyone else again; I’m going to stay on my own. I know how stubborn you are Grace and I should have known that what I did to you would ruin us forever, like I said, I’m sorry.

  I think about you constantly, and everything around me reminds me of you. TV shows, music on the radio, everything. Grace, do you think you could ever forgive me? I promise you that from the bottom of my heart I will never hurt you again. I will do anything it takes to get you back. I’m lost without you, I feel dead even. I watched a film the other night on TV and it’s given me an idea. I don’t know how you’re feeling inside but if you feel like me, and you want to save our marriage, we can meet a St Patrick’s church on Saturday at two o’clock in two weeks. If you don’t turn up I will know we are over forever and I’ll never bother you again. Remember the good times Grace and try in your heart to forgive me.

  Love always Martin. xxxx

  Grace read the letter over and over again. She inhaled deeply and threw the white pieces of paper on the chair next to her. She punched her clenched fist into the pillow and let out a scream like an injured animal, it came from the pit of her stomach. Someone was knocking at the front door, she lifted her head up quickly and she could hear Winnie’s voice in the distance. Slowly, she got to her feet and went to open the door. Grace was weak, and she seemed lifeless. “Good morning my friend,” Winnie chuckled. “What a lovely day it is too,” she sniggered. Grace walked inside and Winnie followed closely behind her. Grace was feeling low and she wasn’t in any mood for any chitchat. “Grace, my legs are throbbing,” Winnie said as she rubbed the top of her thighs. “I feel like I’ve been riding a horse all night,” she giggled like a naughty schoolgirl. “My Stan has worked wonders on me I can tell you. The sex we had last night was mind blowing. I think I even had one of them orgasms.” Grace tried to smile, but she couldn’t hide her pain, her heart was heavy. Winnie was still engrossed in her own love-life and wasn’t paying attention to her friend; she was checking her hair in the mirror. “I mean, I didn’t know my legs could bend like that, I was like a rag doll the way he threw me about that bedroom last night.” Grace broke, her eyes filled up and a flood of tears streamed down her face. Winnie clocked her and went to her side. “What’s happened love, come on, don’t be getting upset, nothings ever that bad, that it can’t be sorted out.”

  Grace reached over for the letter and passed it to her. Winnie’s eyes screwed tightly together as she tried to read it, she’d left her reading glasses at home. Searching in her coat pocket she pulled out a cigarette and lit it in between reading the letter. Once she’d finished reading it she sighed and met Grace’s eyes. “That’s some apology. It’s obvious that he still loves you.”

  Grace snapped, it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. “Oh, you’ve changed your bleeding tune, one minute you’re telling me to have done with him and the next you’re feeling sorry for the wanker. Make up your mind, will you?”

  Winnie paced the living room floor still dragging hard on her fag. “Grace, correct, I hated Martin with a passion, but after seeing you without him, it’s quite obvious that you still love him. I think sometimes you just have to swallow your pride and forgive him. He’s admitted what he’s done, he won’t be the first person to make a mistake in the world, and he won’t be the last,” she sat down facing Grace as she stubbed her cigarette out and continued. “Sorting things out with Stan has showed me that sometimes love does die between two people. I admit to you, I hated Stan with a passion, but after talking to him last night, it’s just made me realise that it takes a lot of work to keep love alive. He’s told me, he thought that I’d stopped loving him too, and do you know what Grace,” she dipped her head low and played with her knees, “he was right, I did. I blamed him for stopping me singing, and probably everything else that went wrong in my life. So, every story has two sides.”

  Grace was looking at her with disbelief in her eyes; she bolted up and stood with her hands on her hips, her teeth clenched tightly together. “Stan never slept with another woman though did he? Martin did. How do you expect me to just brush that under the carpet and forget about it?”

  Winnie was fighting back and she let her have a piece of her mind. “You’re more concerned about what everybody else will say about you forgiving him,” her eyes were wide open and you could see the whites of her eyes. “Is it them who sit on their own each bleeding night, crying their eyes out,” she held her hand out in front of her. “No, it’s you. Martin is a good man, and if we’re putting our cards on the table here and getting everything out in the open, then you slept with Danny, so in my eyes you’re both equal, an eye for an eye and all that palaver.”

  Grace got her back up and raised her head high. “I slept with Danny only because Martin cheated on me, no other reason. So what now, I’m a bad person?”

  Winnie blew a laboured breath, she was frustrated. “For fucks sake no, I’m just saying that the record has been set straight, so to speak.” Grace shrugged her shoulders and she was glad she’d made her point, there was no way she was having anyone calling her a loose woman, not even Winnie. The two friends sat staring at each other, their eyes were locked. Grace knew in her heart that Winnie was right, but she’d never admit it, never in a million years, it wasn’t in her make-up. Winnie piped up. “Just talk to him and see how you feel, time’s gone by now and you might feel differently.”

  Grace hissed at her and folded her arms across her chest, she was on one. “Talk about what? That he cheated on me? That’s old news now.”

  “No Grace, talk about if you have a future together, to see if there is anything left to build on.”

  Grace laughed sar
castically. “I don’t know what Stan’s done to you last night, but you’ve changed. Where is your fighting spirit gone, you wanted Martin dead and buried a few nights ago. What’s suddenly changed your mind about him?”

  Winnie kept her face straight and today there was no joking, she was on the ball. “I’ve realised that when you really love someone from the bottom of your heart, sometimes you just have to take it on the chin. Like I’ve said before, you don’t get any medals for sitting at home all night on your own. If Martin can make you happy, then let him have another chance.”

  Grace shot her eyes to the clock on the wall. “Right, I’m going to see Marcy today, so you have to go.”

  Winnie stood up and trudged to the door, she knew she’d overstepped the mark, but it needed saying. “I’m going Grace, but think on to what I’ve said. I’m your friend not your enemy. I only want what’s best for you. Surely, you must see that?”

  Grace didn’t say a word and she followed her friend into the hallway in a huff. She watched her leave and she was going to shout something after her but closed her mouth at the last minute. The door slammed and Winnie was gone. Grace swallowed hard and her lips were trembling. “I know you’re right Winnie. I know you are,” she mumbled quietly.