Ayrie: An Auxem Novel

by Lisa Lace

  His eyes were passionate, as usual. I had noticed that all the Madellan boys had a similar appearance. They hadn’t been able to relax and have fun since their mother had died. When he looked at me, he made me feel as if I were the only person in the world. But I knew it wasn’t true.

  He rubbed the back of my hand for a moment, sending tingles through my entire body before taking one of my hands and turned back to face the door as it opened for us. How could he get me so hot and bothered with only a touch?

  There had been one boy in high school who I had loved more than anything. We had fucked for a year before I left for college because I received a scholarship to train as a spacecraft mechanic.

  When I learned he had been accidentally killed by a gang in our District, it broke my heart.

  Jarvis, my abusive boyfriend, had been an asshole. Sex with him was awful, to say the least. He had broken my spirit, but I was determined not to let him ruin the rest of my life. I knew Ayrie was trying to help me heal by getting me clothes and encouraging me to get out more, but I didn’t know how to fully trust him.

  I had fallen for Ayrie. But it was one thing to love him from across the breakfast table, and it was quite another to let him care about me and give him a chance to break my heart. If he hurt me, it would be too much for my heart to bear.

  “Hello, you two. Why are you waiting outside? Come in here!” Jayne carried a baby on her hip. They both looked happy and healthy. Her blonde hair was tied into a charming mess of a ponytail. She had twins, and I think Aliyah was the one with her. The babies still looked too much alike for me to confidently tell them apart.

  As the door opened, we could see Arnon walking around with the other baby sleeping on his shoulder, and it was definitely Abel. Jayne had redecorated their quarters in peaceful blue tones. There were baby toys and kid paraphernalia sprawled everywhere, plants all over the place, and a half-folded basket of laundry. Jayne insisted on doing some things for herself.

  “How are you, Jayne?” Ayrie gave her a soft smile and kissed her on the cheek. I felt a pang of envy. He never smiled at me or kissed me like that. He saved the good stuff for his sister-in-law. All the Madellan brothers had a soft spot for Jayne. I was a little jealous of her. She was sweet, understanding, and pretty. She was everything I wasn’t.

  No wonder my husband smiled at Jayne. She was the sort of person who attracted people. No one in the room had given me a second glance. But I didn’t blame them - they were lovely people, and I was merely myself.

  Families like the Madellans, who had everything they could ever dream of, tended to overlook people slinking around in the back alleys of life. People like me. I had to be content with standing in the shadow of their happiness. I tried not to be jealous.

  “How’s it going, Ayrie?” Arnon gave Ayrie a one-armed hug.

  “Pretty good.” Ayrie slapped him on the back. A brilliant smile crossed Arnon’s face that made me weak in the knees. I supposed Ayrie wasn’t technically lying. Arnon hadn’t asked him how things were going with me. “You’re looking thoroughly domesticated. How are my niece and nephew doing?”

  “They only get up once a night now to nurse. Most days I feel like a regular person again.”

  “When Arnon hears them wake up, he brings them over to me.” Jayne went back into the kitchen with Aliyah and started making a salad with her free hand. “All I have to do is pop them on me. They nurse, and I go back to sleep. It’s a win-win.”

  I snuck over to the counter. “Can I help you with anything, Jayne? I have two hands.” I held them up with a tentative smile.

  I hadn’t been the nicest person to her the first time we met, but I had honestly thought she pitied me. I thought I could handle anything, but something about people feeling sorry for me set me off. I didn’t want to be anyone’s pet project. Why should people think they could fix the girl from the Districts? But I had been wrong about her. Jayne was a pleasant person and had just wanted to be friends.

  Ever since I realized my mistake, I had been on my best behavior around her. I liked Jayne. I had always wanted a sister.

  “Thanks! I can always use extra help.” Jayne had a relieved look on her face.

  “Why don’t you just sit down and chat with me while I cut? What have your kids been up to?” I realized my mistake soon after she started speaking. Jayne began a long motherly talk describing everything about her babies, from rolling over to how many times they pooped a day.

  After about five minutes, she must have realized I was tuning her out. “Elle, don’t let me go on about the kids like this. You must have news too. I’m a terrible talker when nobody stops me. I can prattle for hours.”

  “It’s okay,” I protested. “I like hearing about the twins.” I was about to ask her something else about them when both our ears were drawn to the men’s conversation in the living room.

  “I’ll go, Arnon. You shouldn’t leave Jayne with the twins alone, and everyone else is busy. It shouldn’t take long to set everything up.”

  “What are you two discussing?” Jayne asked innocently.

  I wanted to know the answer as well. Ayrie and I weren’t happy together, but I didn’t want him to leave me, either. He was helping me figure out a new life. I needed him for that, at least. I didn’t want to admit I might miss him for other reasons.

  “We’re not talking about anything of consequence.” Arnon turned to face his wife. “We happen to be passing by Vandwa tomorrow. Somebody needs to go down onto the planet and arrange for supplies to be sent back to the ship. I talked to the vendors several months ago. Everything should be ready for us. We just need someone down on the water to arrange the details.”

  “What does ‘on the water’ mean?” Jayne’s beautiful eyebrows drew together.

  “That’s Arnon’s idea of a joke.” Ayrie rolled his eyes. “I don’t know if you noticed this already, but he’s not very funny. Vandwa is a water world. They don’t have a lot of natural land, and their water levels are rising.”

  “Isn’t land critical for life? Where are you going to put the ship? And how are they going to get supplies to you?” I finally spoke up and looked into Ayrie’s eyes.

  “It’s a daily struggle, but they’ve constructed floating cities on the water. And they’re starting to create techniques that will allow them to build under the water, as well. I guess we’ll learn everything when we get there.”

  “How long are you going to be away?” I tried to keep my face free from any negative emotions.

  “It’s only a day trip. I’m going down to the planet and right back up again.” Arnon wanted to reassure me. Evidently, I hadn’t been as neutral in my expression as I had intended.

  “Oh, yeah, no problem. I usually don’t see you for most of the day.”

  When we did see each other, we certainly weren’t doing anything like a normal couple would do, so I didn’t know what was bothering me.

  Wouldn’t it be a relief to get away from Ayrie?

  He looked at me curiously and spoke after a moment of silence. “Would you like to come with me?”

  The question hung in the air and seemed important. I wondered if it could mark the end of something in our sham of a relationship. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I searched Ayrie’s eyes, wondering if he had an ulterior motive. All I saw was a vulnerability and a hint of another emotion I couldn’t identify.

  I didn’t understand why he had asked me in front of Arnon and Jayne. He must have thought about it in the spur of the moment. I had a feeling that he would be hurt if I refused.

  “Consider it a honeymoon.” Jayne looked sweet, as usual. But I thought there was a hint of something behind her eyes that was intelligent and calculating. Nobody ever truly knew what a couple was like behind closed doors, but I suspected Arnon and Jayne could guess everything wasn’t roses between us. “I’ve seen pictures of the place. It’s like a tropical paradise, Elle.”

  I only had to think about it for a second before I realized I didn’t want t
o say no. I wanted to spend a day with my husband on an island. I wanted to have fun.

  Sure, we had problems. I had been hurt by love many times in the past, and I had little faith in our ability to make our marriage work. But in spite of everything, I had somehow fallen in love with Ayrie. I nurtured hope in my heart. It might be false, but it was hope nonetheless. There was a possibility we could turn our farce into something real and I could be something more to him than a roommate.

  I didn’t know how long I had been thinking about the offer until I saw everyone eagerly waiting for my answer.

  “Sure.” I tried to make it seem like it wasn’t a big decision for me, but I didn’t know what to say. “It sounds lovely.”

  Ayrie’s eyes softened for a moment. I thought I saw a smile on his face. Seeing him happy, even if it was an illusion, gave me a pleasurable feeling. I wanted us to be happy together.

  Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw Jayne give Arnon a quick glance, and he nodded at her. Maybe I wasn’t the only one who saw this trip as an opportunity for something good. All I had to do was make something happen between us.

  Easier said than done.

  Ayrie cleared his throat and suddenly looked bored again. “Well, make sure you bring your bikini and a change of clothes. After I sort things out in the morning, we might have time to go to the beach.” The tone of his voice was all business, but he kept staring at me. “We can stay until the Southern Lights come out. I hear they’re beautiful at this time of year.”

  It sounded remarkably like a date. My mouth fell open at the thought. I noticed Jayne grinning at me. I wondered how Ayrie knew anything about the Southern Lights. Had he been to Vandwa before?

  I would have to find out. “Okay. You’ve talked me into it.”

  Jayne clapped her hands. Aliyah lifted her head and became the center of attention. Her parents were so impressed that they lost all interest in me.

  But not Ayrie. He was staring at me with a look that made my breathing pick up and tingles spread throughout my body. Something had changed between us. I didn’t know what it was, but it gave me a tiny sliver of hope. I now possessed a ray of light shining into the darkness of my life.

  I hoped it wouldn’t turn into something that would hurt me.

  Chapter Three

  AYRIE

  I stood on a ledge in the vast open area reserved for flying. There was a three hundred foot drop below me, and the ceiling soared another two hundred feet above. The entire room was five hundred feet in each direction and could accommodate many people moving simultaneously. Arnon had helped Jayne put the twins to bed after dinner, and now it was time to go flying together.

  I pumped my wings and jumped, flapping energetically to carry myself into the air. I felt the breeze of Arnon jumping off the ledge behind me. We headed for the top of the room, which had the strongest air currents. When we reached the highest point, we could glide down.

  I glanced over at my big brother. He was shirtless, like me, because our wings were out. I noticed he had gained a little bit of weight, maybe a pound or two. I wondered if he would get embarrassed if I made a big enough deal out of it.

  He was turning into an old married man, complete with a belly. He hadn’t had much time to work out with the twins around, and he probably hadn’t gotten enough flight time either. Moving through the air took an incredible amount of energy.

  All the men from Auxem looked similar. We had wings that stretched above our heads and down past our knees. When they were spread open, our wingspans were huge. But I had a particular admiration for my big brother. He had been my hero for as long as I could remember, and after our mother had died, he was everything to us.

  Dad checked out of reality after Mom succumbed to the virus. It was Arnon who made sure we finished our homework. Dad hadn’t been a model father to begin with. But after her death, it seemed like he didn’t love us at all. Arnon tried to fill the roles of both father and mother for us. It was an impossible task, but he did everything he could and his effort counted for a lot.

  It had been hard to watch him agonizing over Jayne. I remembered how happy he had been when he first met her. None of us had ever seen him euphoric before. He had so much responsibility put on him at such a young age that it made him prematurely solemn.

  Seeing him act like a clown with the babies and the way Jayne made him smile made me wish for a moment I had a relationship like that with someone. But just for a second. Arnon appeared happy now. He could still turn into a mess like my father because he fell in love.

  That wasn’t going to happen to me.

  I spread my wings, caught an air current, and glided up. Arnon appeared next to me. I turned to him with a lazy grin on my face. “It’s a shame we have to fly without wearing any clothes on top. I noticed you’re getting a pot belly. It must be all the delicious home cooking.”

  Arnon looked down quickly. “I am not.” He pinched his stomach, grabbing a tiny roll of fat. His eyes met mine, appalled.

  “It’s not that noticeable.” I tried to sound like I was consoling him while still making him feel self-conscious.

  “I’m going to the gym right now.” He had concern written all over his face. “I’m not old enough to look like this.”

  “Dad’s still in pretty good shape.”

  “You’re not making me feel any better.”

  I shrugged. “At least now you can do something about it. Wouldn’t you prefer finding out this way than having to roll out of bed?” I laughed.

  He looked annoyed at what I said, which only made me laugh harder. Arnon needed people like Jayne and me around. We didn’t care that he was the crown prince. If he was eating a little too much, he needed to know, and I wouldn’t hesitate to tell him.

  The hilarious thing was that he had barely gained any weight. From a distance, he still looked like a god. Tall, with dark brown hair and eyes, and regally handsome.

  We were totally different even though we shared the same parents. I was blond and had green eyes. One girl had described me as drop-dead gorgeous, but I tried not to let it go to my head.

  “That’s enough about me. You’re taking Elle with you down to Vandwa.”

  I felt wary. Why was he bringing this up? I should change the conversation. “Let’s go down and get dressed. We’ve used up all our time.”

  There were hundreds of men on the ship, and they all needed to fly every few days so their wing pockets didn’t get infected. Everyone had a quota, and even royalty couldn’t use more than the limit.

  He nodded. We began descending in lazy circles, avoiding the other men who were coming up. “You can’t avoid the question. I’m not going to forget.”

  “You didn’t even ask me anything. Can’t a guy ask his wife to go with him somewhere?”

  “Of course he can, but it wouldn’t make much sense if he has been avoiding her, pushing her away, and behaving in a suspicious manner. If that’s what he did in the past, the trip would look pretty weird. Especially to his overprotective older brother.”

  “Okay, I’ll be honest with you. Elle and I don’t have the perfect marriage.”

  “I kind of guessed that. Let me tell you what’s really on my mind. Is there any chance that you’re feeling the effects of Bond Rejection Syndrome?”

  I shook my head and licked my lips. I didn’t want to tell Arnon the truth. “Nope.” I tried to stay calm. “There’s no chance of that happening.”

  “How do you know, Ayrie? Remember your training! You’re not taking our customs seriously at all. They exist for a reason, you know. You’re putting yourself and Elle at risk.”

  I took a deep breath and blurted it out as we both landed on the ledge simultaneously. “The reason why there’s no chance of it happening to us is that we don’t have a bond.”

  Arnon stumbled and almost fell over as we stepped back into the ship. I reached out a hand to help him regain his footing. But he had already spread his wings and used them to bring himself upright.

  �
�I don’t think I heard you correctly.” He had a fire in his eyes.

  “We got married but didn’t bond with each other.”

  “That’s impossible.” He stopped and turned to me so he could see my face.

  “It’s possible. You scared me. Whenever we would talk about getting married, you kept mentioning Uncle Shavess and how dangerous it was to bond without being in love. Do you remember? I told Elle we shouldn’t sleep together.”

  “You suggested two newlyweds not fuck each other.” Arnon shook his head in disbelief. “I don’t know if that’s more unbelievable than her agreeing to it.”

  I nodded. I could hardly believe it myself, and I lived through it. Arnon started walking again. “You’ve been married as long as I have. It’s been months. Months for you not to have sex.”

  “Nope.” I felt my balls tighten at the thought of having sex with Elle.

  Arnon shook his head. “Are you sleeping in the same bed, at least?”

  “I sleep in the spare room.”

  Arnon looked at me. I couldn’t tell if he pitied me or had compassion for me. “Why?” His expression took on a familiar look from my childhood — worry.

  “Why do we sleep in different rooms? Have you seen Elle? I couldn’t keep my hands off her if we slept in the same bed.”

  “You misunderstand me. Why haven’t you bonded?” Arnon crossed his arms over his chest.

  I shrugged. “You said we shouldn’t unless we loved each other. I’m not ever falling in love. I’m not like you. What I feel for Elle is pity or lust. Maybe some friendship.” I shrugged again and ignored the small part of me jumping up and down, screaming that I was telling a lie.

  “I’m your brother. Don’t even try that with me. I know when you’re telling the truth and when you’re not.”