Forever Reckless

by Brittany Butler

“Absolutely, I’m glad you asked. You acted like you were so much better than us after Audrey and I moved. You never talked to us and then you started working for Vivian. And don’t even get me started on the Rachel thing.”

  “I didn’t talk to you because you didn’t talk to me. What’s wrong with working at Henson?”

  “Nothing now,” I say, shrugging. “It just seemed like a douchey thing to do at the time.”

  He chuckles, glancing at the clock. “As much as I would love to stay awake and expand my vocabulary with you, I have to get up early.”

  “Me too,” I groan. “We work together, we’re so lame. We’re that couple.”

  “Did you just call us a couple?” He smiles.

  “Go to sleep! You’re making me uncomfortable,” I say, giggling.

  “Goodnight.” He plants a soft, lingering kiss on my lips. I part my mouth, but he pulls away too soon.

  His breathing evens out quickly, while I lie in bed staring at the clock. His arm wraps around my middle, lightly tugging me in his sleep. I oblige, nuzzling close to him. A ghost smile plays on my lips as I recall the word couple flowing from my lips. I could easily call him my boyfriend, and so much more.

  Chapter Eleven

  The week passes with such intensity, I find myself tearing up at the airport. After William broke the awkward tension with our date, our relationship took a new turn. With our new title, I dread leaving him to live thousands of miles away.

  He takes his hands in mine, smiling. People come and go in a blur, shuffling from flight to flight, greeting their loved ones, making me feel worse as I watch.

  “I’ll see you soon, okay?” He lowers his head, matching my stare. I nod, unsure of my voice. “There’s a solution to this.”

  “Hmm, and that is?” I ask.

  “Move in with me,” he says, his mouth pulls into a dazzling smile.

  “Oh, sure, I’ll drop out of college and move in with you.” I roll my eyes.

  “After graduation,” he deadpans.

  I groan and tap the homescreen on my phone. “I have to go,” I say.

  “You still have a few minutes.”

  “Well, right now I want to go,” I snap.

  “Are we back to this?” He pinches the bridge of his nose, and then drops his hands to his sides.

  “Apparently, look William, why are we rushing it?”

  “We aren’t rushing anything! That’s months away,” he says.

  “Exactly, so why are we talking about it? A lot can happen in happen from now ‘til May.”

  “You don’t think we’ll be together then?” His posture shifts to rigid. His jaw works under the skin, waiting for my response.

  “I hope we are,” I say, it’s all I can say.

  Thinking, he brings his hand to his face, running it down his face. “Olivia, I love you. And I need to know how invested you are.”

  “Very invested,” I promise. “But I can’t give you an answer yet.”

  He nods, wrapping his arms around me. He places a kiss on my lips and laughs. “God, I’ve turned into a chick.”

  “Yes. Yes, you have,” I giggle.

  “I love you. Call me when you land,” he says.

  His hands slide down my arms, grasping my hands and finally letting go. I watch for a moment as he walks away, my heart pounding from the three little words he’s too comfortable using. They remind me that he’s growing impatient of my reluctance. Do I love him? Absolutely; But love doesn’t silence my thoughts. It doesn’t help my anxiety as I remember the things we endured to get here. I fear the possibility that we haven’t seen the worst. As I go back home, thousands of miles away, our relationship will be tested as it hasn’t been before.

  ⇟

  I toss my clothes in the laundry bin. The clothing serves as a reminder; I smile as I come across my cashmere sweater. My phones vibrates with a text from William, my smile grows as I read over the text. Audrey knocks on my door as she walks in.

  “Liv, I have a friend coming over tonight.” She sits on my bed and throws her hair in a ponytail.

  “Is it a guy friend? Someone to play when Kellen’s away,” I laugh, and it earns me a disapproving look.

  “It’s Kayla, I told you about her, remember?”

  “Oh, right, the baby sitter that Kellen hired for you,” I say, chuckling.

  “She is not a baby sitter! Her husband is Kellen’s teammate and I really like her. You will too!” She points at me with narrow eyes.

  “Where are we going?” I sigh and join her on the bed. Judging by her sweatpants and hair, we’re staying in.

  “We aren’t going anywhere. She’s coming over.”

  “Lame,” I say.

  “You’ll hit it off. Trust me.” She smiles and walks to my door. I chew on my lip, thinking.

  “Does it get easier?” I ask.

  “What?” Confused, she glances around the room then to me.

  “Being away from him?”

  “No, it doesn’t. Have you thought of moving back after graduation?” She asks.

  “Yeah,” I say.

  “I didn’t know you two were this serious.” Her eyebrows shoot up with wide eyes.

  “He asked me to move in with him this week, but I don’t know that I’m ready to leave this place.”

  “You still have a couple of months to decide,” she reminds me. In theory two months seems long, when you’re deciding to move across the country to live with your boyfriend, it’s suffocating.

  “You’re right. How was the week with your mom?”

  “It was nice,” she says.

  “Order Chinese food for your lame house party tonight,” I tell her as she leaves my room.

  “Will do,” she yells.

  When Kayla arrives with wine, I decide I like her already. The night is light, after a long conversation and dinner, I find myself ready to go to my room to talk to William. I catch Audrey smiling at her phone and I know I’m not the only one.

  “Just call him,” I tell her.

  “No, I’ll facetime when I go to sleep.” She waves me off.

  “What does Kellen and Audrey facetime consist of?” I laugh; Kayla watches our interaction with wide eyes.

  “Tell us about the William and Olivia facetime,” she challenges.

  “Do you really want to know? Because you know I will give you details,” I laugh.

  “Ugh, you’re right.” Her face twists into disgust, Kayla laughs and relaxes.

  “Seriously you can go call him. Jared asked me to come to his game tomorrow. I’m about to go to sleep,” Kayla adds.

  “Okay, if everyone else is going to sleep. I’ll call him,” she says.

  “I’m not going to sleep its nine! I’m going out,” I say, grinning.

  “You can sleep in our guest room,” Audrey tells her.

  “I’ll do that. Thank you so much. Goodnight.” They leave from the room and I sneak upstairs to my room.

  “Hey baby,” William answers on the first ring.

  “What are you up to?” I ask.

  “Going back to the apartment… With takeout,” he says.

  “If you want me to move in with you, you need to learn how to cook.”

  “No, I don’t want you to move in with me. So, stop asking.” He laughs.

  “Shut up! People can hear you!” I exclaim and he only laughs harder. I exchange my clothes for a t-shirt and climb into bed.

  “How are you?” I ask.

  “Good. I just miss you.” He says.

  Although he can’t see me, I smile widely. Our conversation takes off after his admission; we dance lightly through hard topics. I tease him about being the girl in our relationship, as I look to the clock I realize we’ve been on the phone for over two hours; another first.

  Chapter Twelve

  I pop another chip in my mouth as I read over the same sentence for the second time. A group of rowdy guys pass by my table, and my concentration dwindles to nonexistent. I glance around the loud cafeteria, wonde
ring why I chose this area to study. The college buzzes with life as students file in. Everyone is yelling as they reminisce over spring break. A couple glides by hand in hand, the girl is giggling. I roll my eyes, I hate couples. Well, the ones that get to see each other every day. I bring my eyes down to the table, remembering why I came. Two weeks following our break is test week, and I am not exactly a star student. I’m determined to do well with this round.

  My phone buzzes with a text from Audrey.

  Where are you?

  On campus studying

  I reply, attempting to focus on the book in front of me.

  No, really? Get back to the house!

  My phone tells me I’ve been here for an hour. I close my books and toss them into my bag. I walk through the doors, trudging through the parking lot. The rumbling thunder threatens a downpour. I speed up and slide inside just as the sky opens up.

  What is so damn important?

  I ask before I pull from my parking space.

  Oh, you’ll see.

  With my curiosity peeked, I gain speed as I enter the freeway. I swerve through traffic until I see the exit to my boring neighborhood. I slam my gear into park in the driveway, not bothering with the garage.

  “You have an um… not-so-surprise waiting for you.” Audrey opens the door, smiling.

  “Huh?” I toss my bag down, my brows furrowed as I follow her gaze.

  William stands with a charming, yet crooked smile. Audrey sneaks out of the room to give us privacy. I skip over and wrap my arms around his middle, snuggling to his chest.

  “I got off early, and here I am.” He whispers against my hair, kissing as he finishes.

  “How long are you staying?”

  “I have to leave in the morning, early in the morning.” I smile at the effort it took for him to be here with me.

  “Then we better make the best of our time.” I smile, pushing away from him. I walk to the stairs, and turn to see him following closely.

  I stop in front of my door. “Shall we?”

  He doesn’t respond with words, instead he pushes through the door, pulling me with him. I follow on the bed, grinning as he lies on top of me. I welcome the dizzying, yet familiar feel of him. I’ve missed his touch.

  My breath evens out after minutes of panting for air. I always take advantage of physical contact. I miss him in that way, we keep in contact all day but nothing compares to this moment. After I end our calls, I fall into bed lonely, wishing he was here to stroke my hair as he tells me about this day, or kiss me as he reminds me I’m beautiful.

  William brings his hand to mine, tracing my fingers. His eyes cut to the side, shyly looking at me through his lashes. “If you moved in with me we could do that all the time.”

  “You have a job, a time consuming one.”

  “For this,” he says, motioning to me lying under the sheets. “I would quit.”

  I stand, wrapping the sheet around me, and walk to my dresser. I pull out a tank and yoga pants. William is leaning on my bathroom door frame, blocking the entrance with his arm.

  “Are we playing coy now?” He tugs at the sheet, I let it fall and push past him. I dress quickly and find him laughing.

  “It’s one in the morning!” I say as I check my phone.

  He slips behind me, circling my middle and kissing my neck. “My flights at five,” he says.

  I groan. “That’s not long enough.” I twist around, sliding my hands on the bathroom counter and hoping up to sit down.

  “That’s all I had,” he reminds me. He steps to me, uncrossing my legs to stand close to me.

  “I should just stay up all night. I have a test at nine.”

  “No, go to sleep.” He tucks a lock of hair behind my ear and kisses my forehead. “I can take a cab to the airport.”

  “No way! It’s just an economics class. I have easy classes this semester.”

  “Have you studied?” He asks.

  “Hmm…define study,” I say. I tap my chin, pretending to be deep in thought.

  “I know what we’re doing with these two hours.” He pats my legs and steps away. “Where’s your book? And notes…” He says, looking around my room.

  “Book is in that bag.” I point to the purple bag beside the door.

  He walks over and digs it out. He tears through the bag; pulling all books out and stuffing them back inside.

  “Where’s your notes?” He finally asks.

  “I don’t really take notes. That’s not my style.” I shrug my shoulders.

  He looks at me, his face is unreadable, then shakes his head. “Of all the girls, you’re the one I fall in love with.”

  “Gee, thanks for the backhanded compliment.”

  “What chapters does the test cover?” He sits on my bed as he flips through the pages of my book.

  “Oh, umm,” I bite my lip. “I completely forgot when you asked.”

  “Olivia, are you going to fail?” He closes this book.

  “No, I’m fine. I’ll pass the test…”

  He stares at me, exhales, and opens the book back up. As he flips through he makes a comment about how good of condition the book is in, and scowls at me. Eventually, he searches through my room and digs up the syllabus. We spend the next hour going over the highlights of the chapter.

  “You’ve got this,” he says, smiling and gathering his things.

  “Are you sure you have to go?” I pout.

  “I do, baby. If you’re too tired I can call a cab…”

  “Not a chance. I’m taking you.”

  He grabs his bag and walks over to me. His arms circle me, I fall into his hug. Saying goodbye will never get easier, especially when I don’t know when I’ll see him again. Our spontaneous visits are fun, even exciting. As we grow, in time we won’t be satisfied. I grab my purse, pulling my car keys out and descend down the hall to the stairs. Once again, I’m on my way to the airport to tell the guy I love goodbye.

  Chapter Thirteen

  As I zip up my black dress, I turn and smile at my reflection. I blow the pale blonde bangs from my eyes to inspect my make-up. I check the time on my phone, finding a text from William. I bite my bottom lip to contain my smile.

  One simple texts is all it takes, and that scares the shit out of me. Months ago I never spent a second night with a guy. But William, he's different. He holds the power to crush my being if he decides to move on. I tell myself that he wouldn't do it, that he loves me, but no one truly knows the future. I no longer control my future, my happiness, or my heart. They say love conquers all, but no one stops to analyze the underlying meaning of the phrase. Blind masses jump in wholeheartedly, ready to lose themselves in the one they love, without questioning the reality of handing over control.

  When William whispered the three letter words in Cabo, I knew I would never be the same. That night I ignored him, pretending to be asleep. But he didn't let me pretend for very long. He got under my skin, and ripped me open, leaving me bare and exposed.

  Just as the knock on my door comes, I spray perfume. Audrey walks through my door looking gorgeous. I clamp my hand over my mouth, not because of her appearance, it’s the smell. I rush to the toilet before my stomach forsakes me.

  "Are you okay?" Audrey asks, standing in the doorway.

  "Yeah, I'm fine. I just, I sprayed this perfume and it must be bad," I say, scrambling an excuse together.

  "Liv, this is your favorite perfume," she says, examining the bottle. "Are you pregnant?"

  "What? No, I'm not fucking pregnant! Are you insane?" I yell, immediately regretting my outburst. "Sorry," I say, as an attempt to appease the hurt on her face.

  "It’s fine." She waves me off. "Just to be safe, maybe you should see a doctor."

  "Yeah, I can do that." I nod my head.

  "I can get you test. You know...just in case." She bites her lip.

  "I take my pill religiously." I huff and cut my eyes at her.

  "You know those things are only like ninety percent effecti
ve, right?"

  "Audrey, I'm not pregnant. Drop it." Her face falls in defeat. My expression remains cool, not reflecting my feelings.

  "Let's have girl’s night when you're better." She changes the subject, grinning.

  I peel myself from the floor. I rinse my face and change into comfortable clothing. Audrey is waiting on my bed.

  "Do you want me to sleep in here?" She asks.

  "I'm twenty two. I think I can handle a stomach virus," I deadpan.

  She catches her bottom lip in her teeth. Her mouth opens to speak but she exhales. "If you need anything you know where to find me."

  She leaves after goodnights are exchanged. When I hear her pad down the hall and close her door I throw on shoes and sprint from my room. The drugstore is just a mile from my house. The sooner I get there the better.

  Once inside, I tear through the store until I find the isle. Scanning the boxes, they promise, fast, reliable results. Reluctantly, I choose one of each. The store is a ghost town leaving only the cashier and myself.

  She wishes me a good night with a sympathetic expression. I should've let Audrey do this. At least she has a ring on her finger, if our roles were reversed this would be a happy occasion. The cashier would've wished her luck on her marriage, her baby, and her suburban life. However, I'm rewarded with a look of pity; one that will only grow worse as the months pass if these tests read positive.

  When I arrive home, I lock my door to pour out the contents from the sack. Carefully, I rip the cases to read each instruction before I begin.

  I sit the last test on the counter. Eight tests mockingly lay before me, secretly holding my future. In ten short minutes my life will unfold.

  ⇟

  “Olivia?” Audrey knocks on the door as she walks in. “Are you going to class today?”

  I lick my dry lips as I stare at the ceiling. “No, I’m not feeling up to it.”

  “You haven’t been out of your room in days. What’s going on?” I feel the bed shift as she sits.

  “I think I have a virus,” I say.

  “Okay, William called me. He said you won’t talk to him? I’ll just tell him what’s going on… I guess.”