Flirtasaurus

by Erin Mallon

  “Your father. Are you serious? You’d call that man repressed?”

  “He likes to shock people. But try to have a heart-to-heart with him, and you’ll be sorely disappointed.”

  “Have you, though?”

  “Have I what?”

  “Really tried?”

  I think about that for a moment.

  “Not in a long time, I guess,” I admit.

  It’s quiet for a few minutes. The only sound is our breathing and the cars whizzing by on the turnpike outside.

  “What if we made a deal,” he proposes.

  “What kind of deal?”

  “In the morning, you call your dad, and I’ll call my sister. Seems like we both could do some work making things right with people.”

  “Okay,” I say. “Deal.”

  He kisses me on the forehead.

  “Remember when I first met you, and you said you’d ‘recently decided to become more of a bastard?’”

  This makes him chuckle. “Ha, yeah.”

  “What was that all about? I haven’t seen even a smidge of bastard in you since.”

  He sighs.

  “I dunno. Sometimes it seems like that’s the way to go. Take my dad, for example. He was a douche to his wife and all but abandoned his kids, but he has everything.”

  “No, he doesn’t.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “He doesn’t have you.”

  It’s silent for a moment.

  “Hmm,” he says.

  “I know I’ve only known you a few weeks, but that’s long enough for me to know that losing you has got to be pretty devastating.”

  I realize at that moment that I don’t ever want to find out.

  He turns my face to meet his in a kiss, and I absolutely melt for this guy.

  I have no idea what will happen with us in the future, but for right now? I feel so damn lucky that this amazing guy has even entered my orbit.

  After that, and I absolutely hate to admit this, we… make love. I know, gross, right? But there’s nothing else you could call it. Couldn’t be further from what happened last night at the museum. Though that was its own kind of awesome, but in a completely different way. This time, there are no shrooms. No drunken tap-dancing. I don’t make jokes. I don’t keep him from seeing the real me by role-playing or posing arguments or controlling the moment.

  I just… let things unfold.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  “My dad is on his way!” I shout toward the bathroom as I’m slipping on my shoes.

  “Great!” Ralph says from inside. Then I hear the sound of hinges squeaking, and there he stands in the doorway, wearing nothing but a towel. “How’d that conversation go?” he asks casually as he tilts his head to the side and towel dries his shaggy hair.

  I’m speechless. A rarity for me, that’s for sure.

  “You… okay?” he asks.

  I stand.

  “You’re, um... It’s just… You’re in a… I didn’t expect you to be—”

  He looks down. “Oh. Sorry. I left my clothes out here, so…”

  “Not a problem.” I smile and add, “Dude.”

  “Dude” has become a term of endearment for him. A word that used to cause him distress and doubt now seems to light him right up. He smiles.

  “May I?”

  He’s asking for permission to enter the space?

  “You may, sir,” I say as I extend my arm and bow forward like I’m allowing royalty to pass. He shakes his head good-naturedly and crosses in front of me to grab the clothes he took off last night. When he bends over slightly… I can’t help it. I tear off his towel and nibble on his butt.

  “Rrrrrrah! You have the cutest!” Bite. “Tightest!” Bite. “Most nibbliest!”

  “Whoa girl, whoa! Are you… chewing on my ass?”

  “Rrrrrrrr! I am! How can an ass like this exist? Rrrrrah!”

  Bite, bite, bite.

  “Ow!” he yells, but it’s clear he likes it.

  He whips around, pushes me down on the bed, and pins me beneath his warm, just showered naked body. He’s completely naked. I am fully clothed. And I am not complaining.

  “You’re an absolute nut; you know that?” he says directly into my eyes before planting warm, velvety kisses down my neck.

  “Call me whatever you want, just keep doing that.”

  “As you wish, madam,” he rumbles close to my ear.

  Just then, there’s a knock on the door.

  “Lopey, baby? You in there?”

  “Oh, shit!” Ralph pushes himself up on his forearms.

  “And that would be my dad.”

  “How’d he get here so fast?”

  “The guy drives like a maniac.”

  Speaking of maniacs… Ralph is now running around the room like a chicken with its head cut off. A very sexy, naked chicken. Forget it, he’s not a chicken. But he’s clearly freaked the hell out.

  “Chill, Ralph. You heard my dad last night. He’s all about you ‘bringing pleasure to his princess.’”

  “Yeah, that was so fucking weird. And honestly? I really didn’t need to hear it twice. Nor do I need him to see me naked.”

  “True. I’m sorry.”

  “Lopey??” Dad bellows.

  “Coming!”

  I turn to Ralph, who is now frozen. “Dude, just go in the bathroom and get yourself decent. I’ll head out there with my dad to look at the car, and you can join us when you’re ready. Cool?”

  “Yeah, cool,” he says.

  “Turn around, please?”

  “Why?” he questions, but he turns around anyway. Such a team player.

  I take one more nibble of his butt, “Rrrrrah. So yummy,” and then head to get the door.

  I hear Ralph laughing on his way to the bathroom. Once I confirm he is safely out of view, I open the door to my smiling, silent dad.

  “Hey,” I say with no small amount of guilt lacing the word.

  “Eh, stop it.”

  “Stop what?”

  “You’re being mopey.”

  “I feel bad about last night.”

  “Well, you should!”

  “I do!”

  “You should! You were quite a little shit to your mother.”

  “I know!”

  “So you better be working up one hell of an apology is all I’m saying.”

  “I am!”

  “Good! Now let’s drop it so I can fix up that clunker your boyfriend calls a car.”

  “Dad, he’s not my—”

  “Calliope? I wasn’t born yesterday. And I’ve seen you with fellas before. This one’s different. I’m happy for ya, kid.”

  “Thanks, Dad.”

  Wow. He’s being genuine. Not a joke in sight. I’m not sure either of us knows how to proceed in this manner. We both start to fidget. He breaks the tension.

  “Alrighty then. You got the key?”

  I run and grab it from Ralph’s nightstand.

  “I do now.”

  “Great.”

  We step out into the parking lot and shut the door behind us.

  “It’s that Vulva there on the left.” I point.

  “The what now, who now?”

  “The Volvo! Sorry. The Volvo on the left!”

  “Oh, I know which car is his. I was under the hood of that clunker last night.”

  “Dad!”

  “What?” he says with absolutely zero remorse.

  “How? Why?”

  “Last night, when you all thought I was taking a post-dinner deuce, I was actually in the driveway checking out what ole Ralphie is working with here.”

  “Dad. That’s a little invasive, don’t you think?

  “Hey, the kid is a sweetheart
and obviously a very intelligent guy, but he’s driving my baby girl around in a lemon and clearly knows shit about cars, so I make no apologies. I only wish I’d given his ‘vulva’ a proper tune-up last night before it had a chance to break down. Hehe.”

  “Gross, Dad.”

  “Hey, you said it, not me.”

  “Fair.”

  “I brought everything we need to get things running again.”

  He says this as he opens the trunk of his own “clunker,” hauls out a car battery, some oil, coolant, and various other things that are completely foreign to me and starts handing them to me to hold.

  I just stare at him, surprised and impressed, my arms full of the items that are apparently necessary to revive Ralph’s car.

  He grins. “Your mother gets on me for the mess in the garage, but no one can say I’m not ready in the event of a vehicular emergency.”

  Dad opens Ralph’s hood and gets to business. I act as his trusty helper, handing him what he needs when he needs it.

  We work in silence for a few minutes until he surprises the hell out of me.

  “You, uh—” He looks like he’s gathering courage for a moment and keeps his eyes on the car, working while he speaks. “You know we love you, don’t you, kid?”

  “Of course, Dad. I love you too.”

  “And we’re proud as hell of you. For all of your accomplishments, sure. Even though we don’t always understand what you do, that doesn’t take an ounce away from how impressed we are that you’re doing it. But I’ll tell ya, we admire that fire and passion in you the most. We never cared much where you put it all, so long as it was a place where you feel happy and fulfilled. That big brain of yours has always wanted to learn more, more, more. You’ve been that way ever since you were a tiny baby. You know I’ve always found it tough to keep up with you? Yeah, even when you were two! I remember thinking, ‘If she gives me this kind of run for my money now, as a toddler, what the hell am I in for when she’s a teenager?’ I’ll be honest; I wasn’t looking forward to those years. I was scared you’d leave your ole dad in the dust and not want to talk to me anymore at some point. And sure, that happened from time to time, but you always came back to us and kept sharing yourself with us. And I was always so grateful for that. So don’t stop now, alright?”

  “Alright.” I can barely get the word out because he’s got me so choked up.

  “And for the record, your mother… Your mother is the most beautiful, fascinating creature God ever put on this planet. There are many different ways to be smart. And girl? You are missing out if you don’t soak up every bit of that woman’s brilliance. It may be different than yours, but it’s just as bright.”

  “Ahem.” A throat clears, and I rise to see Ralph—fully dressed—standing beside us with both our bags. I wipe a tear from the corner of my eye. “You okay?” he asks quietly and reaches a hand down to help me up. I take it.

  “Fine, yeah. Dad here has been hard at work, getting you in tip-top shape.”

  “Thanks so much, Ken. Really.”

  “Don’t mention it, kid.”

  “You got it running again?”

  “Well, we’re about to find out!”

  Dad tosses Ralph his key and gestures for him to hop in the front seat.

  “Fire it up, baby.”

  Ralph turns the ignition, and the engine roars to life. And I do mean “roars.” Ain’t nothing quiet about this car.

  “Amazing, Ken, thank you. What do I owe ya?”

  “Eh! Not a thing, kid. You just get my baby girl home safe, and we’re even.”

  “That I can do.”

  “And I’m good, but I’m not that good, so promise me you’ll take your ole Vulva into the shop for a thorough workup as soon as you can?”

  Ralph chokes on his own spit. “Um. Yeah. Yes. I can do that too.”

  “Atta boy.” Dad winks and slaps him on the back through the open driver’s side window. “And feel free to call me if you get into any other situations on the ride back.”

  “Will do.”

  Then Dad turns to me.

  “I’ll give Mom a call later today, okay?”

  “Alright, kid. You be good.”

  He gives me a quick hug with his signature pat on the back, the one that’s always just a smack too hard.

  He gets in his own car, and just before he’s about to pull away, I pop my head through his open passenger side window. “Hey, Dad?”

  “Yeah, Lopey girl.”

  “It was really nice talking to you this morning. Listening to you. Can we… do it again sometime, maybe?”

  He smiles.

  “Sure, kid. Now let me get the hell outta here. I’m a busy man.”

  I smile back at him and give him a small wave as he drives off.

  When I hop into Ralph’s car, I find that he’s placed my bag down by my feet and already checked us out of our roach-infested, cardboard-mattressed, surprisingly romantic-as-hell motel.

  Resting my head back on the seat, I close my eyes and sigh.

  “Home?” I ask, rolling my head to the left to see his sweet face.

  “Actually,” he says a bit nervously. “What would you say to a mini-road trip of sorts before officially heading back?”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  “You’re really not going to tell me where we’re going?”

  “Relax, you’re going to like it. I promise.”

  “We haven’t known each other that long, Mr. Confident. How can you be so sure of that?”

  “Because whether it’s been a short time or not… I know you.”

  “Okay,” I say with a smile because I’m finding that he does. More than anyone, it seems.

  “Hey, uh, when were you going to tell me you got the dig gig with Dr. Knowles this summer?”

  “Ha, the ‘dig gig.’ I like that.”

  “Calliope…”

  “I obviously was going to tell you. I guess I just didn’t know how you’d react to me being away this summer when things are just getting started between us.”

  “It’s what you want, right?”

  “Since I was three years old, yeah!”

  “Then we’ll figure it out. I’m not worried. Are you worried?”

  “Nah, I’m not worried,” I say with confidence.

  Because it’s the truth. I’m finally starting to feel like maybe I don’t have to choose between love or a career. Not that we’re in love, but… whatever.

  He squeezes my hand, then makes one last turn.

  “Alright. This should be it.”

  We pull up to what looks like a quarry of some kind.

  “Are you taking me spelunking?”

  “Spelunking? People spelunk in caves, not quarries.”

  “Hey, what do I know?”

  “You know plenty.” He leans over in the seat and gives me a sweet peck on the lips.

  We step out of the car just in time to see a very pretty young woman walking toward us, wearing dirty, dusty clothes and a shy smile.

  “Hey, you,” Ralph says to her, seeming a bit nervous.

  “Hey,” she says sweetly, not even sparing a glance at me. Nope, her eyes are glued to Ralph. And are her eyes filled with tears?

  “Can I?” he asks tentatively while reaching his arms out to her.

  “Please, yes!” she says on a half laugh, half cry.

  Then they’re in each other’s arms, swaying back and forth and having quite the moment.

  What the ef is happening here?

  Has he taken me to some kind of reunion with his lost love? What the hell kind of mini-road trip is this shit?

  They finally break apart, and the girl seems to notice me for the first time.

  “Gosh, I’m sorry. Hi!”

  “Hello…?” I don’t even try to hid
e my confusion.

  “Calliope, this is my sister, Lou. Lou, this is my girlfriend, Calliope.”

  Oh, his sister.

  “Wait, you have a girlfriend?” Lou says at the same moment I say, “Wait, am I your girlfriend?”

  Ralph laughs, and says, “Well, I hope so.” I suppose that’s an attempt to answer both of our questions at once. “Sorry, Calliope, it just came out. I know it’s early, and we haven’t talked about anything official, I just…”

  “Yes.” I put him out of his misery. “Yes, I am your girlfriend,” I repeat as I thread my fingers through his, and he kisses me on the forehead. Then I remember that his sister is standing there. “Now it’s my turn to be sorry. Hi, Lou. I have no clue what we’re doing here, but it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  “She can be blunt,” Ralph explains to her.

  “I’m picking up on that.” Lou chuckles.

  Wow. They sort of have the same laugh.

  “I thought Ralph said you were at school in California, not New Jersey,” I add.

  “I am. I’m out here for the next month, taking a special course on prehistoric marine life. I should have called Ralph to let him know I’d be so close, but I just… well, I didn’t. I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay. I didn’t exactly make it easy for you to call.”

  They take that moment to hug each other a second time.

  I’m happy to see they’re tackling whatever drama was between them, but my brain is stuck on that magic word she said a moment ago: prehistoric.

  “Well,” Lou continues, “what do you say? You guys ready to dig?”

  “Dig prehistoric marine life?! Is that why we’re here!?” I practically squeal.

  I’m suddenly acting like a little kid whose mommy just told her she’s having ice cream for dinner.

  It’s then that I look up at the sign that reads “Cretaceous Mantua.”

  “No shit!?” I turn to Ralph. “You took me to Cretaceous Mantua? Do you realize that sixty-five million years ago, this very place where we’re standing was completely under the Atlantic Ocean? That’s right, sucka! Mosasaurs, ammonites, ancient sharks and rays, and all kinds of now-extinct crustaceans were doing their thing right here in this spot! I’ve been meaning to take a megabus out here, but I’ve been so busy since my internship started! Ahhhh! You’re amazing!”