Flirtasaurus

by Erin Mallon

  This woman is blowing my damn mind right now.

  “Thank you, Dr. Knowles.” What else can I say to her? “Just… thank you.”

  “Alright,” she says in a completely different tone as she launches to her feet. “Are we good then?”

  “You’re asking me? I feel like I should be asking you that, shouldn’t I?”

  “Perhaps, you should. Yes.”

  “So. Are we… good?”

  “We are. I look forward to seeing you at the gala tomorrow, Calliope. We’ve all worked very hard. We deserve to celebrate.”

  After my meeting with Dr. Knowles, I’m in a total daze.

  I feel relieved. Grateful. Thrilled. Guilty.

  I head right down to the cafeteria for what has become my daily dunch with Otto and Mabel. They’ve both been really kind to me this week. Who am I kidding, they’re always kind. I don’t know if Mabel filled Otto in on the drama or what, but neither of them has asked me about Ralph. Well, not since that first day after Ralph was fired when Otto asked if my boyfriend would be joining us, at which point I bit his head off, then wept into my carton of chicken fingers.

  They’ve become good friends.

  And good company.

  I’m lucky to have them.

  The three of us sit at a table together now, Mabel and Otto chatting away, while I stare off into the distance.

  My phone buzzes in my backpack. I react the same way I have every time that’s happened over the past eleven days. I spazz. I reach for the phone like it’s my lifeline, hoping, praying—and we all know that I’m not a prayer girl—that it’s him.

  It’s not.

  I’m not surprised. But it doesn’t stop it from hurting.

  Placing the phone down on the table, I put my head in my hands and continue to let it ring.

  “Calliope, want me to answer that for you?”

  “Mabel, if I wanted to answer it, I would’ve answered it,” I mumble. “It’s an unknown number.”

  “Oh, then you should definitely answer it! You could be missing out on good news! A surprise opportunity! Oooh, you could have won a contest!”

  God, I wish I had her optimism sometimes.

  “More likely, it’s Sallie Mae coming after me for my student loans,” I grumble.

  “Well then, let’s nip it in the bud, shall we? Nothing smells as good as financial freedom feels.”

  “What?!” I say.

  “I worry about this kid when she talks like that.” Otto shakes his head like he’s at a loss with what to do with her sometimes.

  “No, Mabel, don’t!”

  She ignores me, grabs, swipes, and chirps, “This is Calliope FitzGerald’s personal assistant, how may I help you?”

  This girl, I swear.

  “Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Oh well, hi! I’m Mabel. Nice to meet you too!”

  “Who is it?” I ask.

  Mabel holds her finger up, telling me to hold on for a minute.

  The nerve.

  “Oh, you work there? I’ve heard such great things about that place! Are you happy? Yeah, you like it? Oh, good! It’s so important to enjoy your job, isn’t it? I’m an entomologist. That’s right, bugs! Mm-hmm, I do, thanks for asking! Are you a geologist then?”

  What in the world is going on?

  “A marine biologist! Ooh! Cool! You know we have a great aquarium in Philly, don’t you? Yeah, I’ve been meaning to get over there. It’s been too long, and I heard they have that new jellyfish exhibit—”

  “Mabel, is that Louise?” I ask, exasperated with her, but I’m also suddenly hopeful as hell.

  She covers the mouthpiece, and whispers, “Nope, her name is Lou. Isn’t that cute? A girl named Lou?”

  “Will you give me the phone please!?”

  “Sure! Here you go!”

  “Lou?” I ask as soon as I have the phone to my ear.

  “Hey, Calliope,” she says simply.

  I immediately start rambling, like she might hang up on me at any moment, because for all I know? She just might.

  “Hi! Hi, Lou! Thank you! Thank you so much for calling me back! I wasn’t sure if the message would get through to you at the quarry, but I wasn’t sure how else to get in touch with you, and Ralph is obviously not taking my calls so—”

  “What can I do for you, Calliope?”

  She’s not as warm as she was when I met her at the dig, but she’s talking to me, and right now, that’s more than I deserve.

  “Did he tell you what happened?” I ask her quietly. “I mean, of course, he did, right?”

  “He did, yeah. He left out the juiciest details, thankfully, but I definitely got the gist.”

  “I didn’t mean to hurt him, Lou. I’m so sorry.”

  “You don’t need to apologize to me. You know I’ve been there with him. Well, not exactly where you were with him. Gross! Bleh! Moving on, please.”

  “I understand.” I laugh. Somehow, I’m able to laugh. “I miss him,” I continue. “And I’m determined to make things right with him.”

  “Okay. What can I do to help?”

  She asks me those six magic words.

  And suddenly… I have an idea.

  “Louise?”

  “Yeah?”

  “What are you doing tomorrow night?”

  “Hanging out alone in my crappy efficiency apartment watching episodes of The Blue Planet on BBC Earth. So basically nothing. Why?”

  “Want to go to a party?”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  “Lopey loo, woohoo, look at you! What a gorgeous girl!”

  “FitzGeralds in the hayouse!” Sasha exclaims.

  It’s gala night, and Sasha and I are standing outside of the museum, dressed in our finest, waiting on my parents’ arrival so we can escort them inside.

  “Thanks, Dad! Looking sharp yourself, sir!”

  He really does. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen my father in a tux before. And it seems he got a fresh haircut for the event. That makes me smile.

  “And, Mom, wow! You look beautiful!” I give her a kiss on the cheek.

  She gets close to me and whispers in my ear, “I’m wearing the Spanx. God almighty, who invented these torture devices?”

  “I hear ya, Mama. Don’t get me started on the Spanx.”

  “Sasha, how is the booze biz going?” Dad asks.

  “Good, Ken, thanks! Drinks are on Dad and me tonight.”

  “Music to my ears, lady!” he says with a toothy grin.

  “Shall we?” I gesture to the entrance. “I’m actually due to greet guests up front in just a few minutes. My team and I are taking shifts, so Sasha will show you around and get you settled, then I’ll join you in a little bit. Sound okay?”

  “Sounds great, baby,” Mom says as I escort her through the door. Dad offers Sasha his elbow and guides her inside like she’s the one who needs directions instead of him. My, my, he seems to be feeling debonair tonight. I guess getting gussied up and attending an event like this can do that to people.

  “I got them from here, girl,” Sasha whispers at me over her shoulder as she winks. “You do your thing!”

  She disappears into the exhibit hall with my parents tucked lovingly under each of her arms.

  She really is the best.

  I approach the check-in table and see Damon dressed like he’s on the cover of GQ magazine. Though I wouldn’t expect anything less from the man who lives and breathes design. “Looking good, Miss FitzGerald,” he says as he rises.

  “You too, stud. Hey, uh… were you ever going to tell me you were Dr. Knowles’ son?”

  “Eh,” he says. “People always figure it out eventually. We have fun watching folks putting the pieces together.”

  “Well, your mom gave me quite a peek into her love life with your dad yeste
rday. Seems like they have one hell of a satisfying—”

  “La-la-la… not listening.” He plugs his ears with his fingers. Before he heads into the party, he takes a second to adjust a festive, framed welcome sign with elaborate, swirly letters that sits on the table. “By the way, how do you like this font? The font look good?”

  “The font looks great, yes. Nice work, friend.”

  “Thanks for taking over. Imma head into the par-tay now.” Then, what can only be described as a saucy look comes over his features before he says, “Put your game face on, girl. You’ve got guests.”

  I look up, and suddenly, there he is, standing in the doorway, looking as beautiful as ever. Our eyes lock for a moment before he consciously looks down and starts sauntering toward my table, his smiling sister on his arm.

  “You’re here,” I say dumbly.

  I don’t mean to ignore Lou. I’m insanely grateful to her for getting him here, but I can’t seem to take my eyes off him.

  “Yeah. Lou got an invite through the quarry. She was supposed to attend with her professor, but she had a childcare emergency, so…”

  “Too bad,” I say. “For the professor, I mean. And for you, Lou! Not that it’s not great for you to be here with your brother instead! Obviously! I mean, I’m sure you’re thrilled, right? I am! Thrilled, I mean. To see you. I mean that you’re here. That both of you are here! Everyone on staff, and formerly on staff, put in so much work planning tonight. So we all deserve to celebrate.”

  I’m babbling like a crazy person.

  He glosses right over my inane blathering, and says, “So, do we check in or…?”

  “Yes! I mean, no. Because I’ll check you in myself! That’s why I’m sitting here. I obviously know both your names, so no need to tell me that info, of course. Hahaha.”

  “Okay,” he says before guiding Lou away from the table and into the exhibit hall.

  God, I’m a complete and total mess.

  Before they’re out of sight, Lou looks over her shoulder and gives me a knowing wink.

  I wish I could be as confident as she appears to be about how this night is going to go. I place my head in my hands, take some deep breaths, then put a bright smile back on my face to greet the rest of our guests.

  A half hour later, my shift is over, and the party is in full swing. The room looks absolutely gorgeous. Trix and Monty are standing tall, awash in warm, colorful spotlights tinted green and orange and yellow. There are cocktail tables speckled throughout the huge hall, each with a gorgeous flower arrangement at the center, surrounded by tiny tea light candles. I walk in and try to convince myself that I’m not scanning the room for him, but that’s exactly what I’m doing.

  It takes me all of two seconds to find him. To feel him, really. I feel his eyes on me from across the room and turn to locate him in the corner. He’s sitting alone at a cocktail table, sipping a beer. When our gazes meet, he immediately looks away toward the dance floor where Lou and Mabel are dancing and chatting. Say what you want about Mabel, but she makes every person in her presence feel welcome.

  I make a vow to myself at that moment that I’ll work harder to get to know her better.

  “Ralph!” I hear my dad shout. I can pick out that man’s voice anywhere.

  Oh, damn.

  I haven’t told my parents that we broke up. Or that we were ever even fully together, for that matter. I haul ass to that side of the room to do inevitable damage control on whatever is about to go down.

  Ralph stands up to greet my parents, the class act as always.

  I arrive by my mom’s side just in time to hear my dad say, “Heya, kid! Good to see you. How’s the star business going? And how’s the old Vulva holding up?”

  “Ken!” my mom admonishes.

  “It’s okay,” I soothe her. “He means his car. Long story. Well, not a long story really, just not a relevant story at the moment.”

  “Hi, Ken! Sue. Nice to see you both too,” Ralph says as he purposely avoids eye contact with me.

  They shake hands, and my dad gives him his classic way-too-intense back clap. Ralph just barely avoids the post smack stumble now that he has some experience with Ken FitzGerald and responds with a smile. “The Volvo is doing great. Got her a full work over like you asked.”

  “Glad to hear it, glad to hear it.”

  “And, uh… the star business is just fine, thanks. I’m actually not at this museum anymore, though.”

  “Oh, no?” my mom asks.

  “No. I’m exploring some new possibilities.”

  “Well, that’s your MO, right?”

  “What’s that, Ken?”

  “New possibilities… new frontiers? Space. The neeeeew frontier.” Dad busts out an admirable, if inaccurate, impression of the Star Trek opening credits.

  “Dad,” I say. “It’s, um… it’s actually the final frontier.”

  “I don’t think so, Lope! I’m pretty sure it’s the new frontier! Isn’t it, Ralph?” He looks at my ex-boyfriend for confirmation. God, I hate thinking about him as my ex-boyfriend..

  I lock eyes with Ralph for a single moment, get bold, and say, “Yeah, Ralph. Which one is it? Is it possible it could be a new frontier? Or is it really final?”

  He pauses, and for a second, I swear I see a flicker in his eyes that gives me hope. A flicker of that spark that’s always been between us. But as soon as I see it…

  “I don’t know, Calliope. It all feels pretty final to me.”

  …it fizzles out.

  I’m not one to speak in metaphors. Or code. Neither is Ralph. That’s one of the things I’ve loved about our connection from day one. We speak our minds. We speak our truth. Even when it butts up against the other person’s.

  I don’t even recognize us right now.

  “Well, whichever the hell it is, I hope you’re happy on your next gig, kid. What’s it gonna be? Still figuring it out?”

  “Uh, no, actually. I’m heading down to Mexico in just a few days.”

  My stomach drops at that news.

  “Mexico! Por qué, my amigo?” My dad laughs and turns to my mom. “You hear that, honey? My high school español still has piernas!”

  “What’s in Mexico, Ralph?” Mom asks.

  That’s exactly what I want to say. What the hell is in Mexico, Ralph?

  “I’m working at the Chicxulub crater in the Yucatan Peninsula for the summer.”

  “Was that English, kid?” My dad chortles. “Speak to me like I’m a toddler when it comes to this stuff, will ya?”

  “Sure, yeah.” Ralph chuckles. “The Chicxulub crater is the spot…”

  “…where a massive asteroid hit the Earth over sixty-five million years ago and led to the extinction of the dinosaurs,” I finish the answer for him.

  “That’s right,” Ralph says and spares a glance at me for the first time since I walked up to join them.

  “Congrats,” I say softly. “That’s… amazing.”

  “Thanks, Callie.”

  He called me Callie. Should I be getting my hopes up that he called me Callie?

  “Well, long-distance relationships can be hard, I know. Calliope’s mother did a semester abroad our junior year of high school, and it nearly killed me. But you and Lopey are strong. I can tell.” Dad puts an arm around each of us and gives us a shake. “Don’t you kids let this get you down. I can say with total confidence that this is not going to get in the way of your budding bodacious relationship.”

  “Dad…” I feel my eyes watering up with tears.

  “Ken?” Mom says. “You’re embarrassing her.”

  Thank you Mom for the save.

  “What he means, Ralph,” she continues, “is that we think you’re a lovely young man and a marvelous match for our Lopey. You have yourself a wonderful summer, and when the time comes for you two to bond t
ogether in holy matrimony, we will be hashtag blessed to welcome you to our family. Did you like that, sweetie?” She turns to me with bright eyes. “My use of hashtag blessed?”

  “It was… great, yeah. If you’ll all excuse me, I have to…” I have no actual words. At least not ones I can say out loud in present company. “Just… excuse me.”

  I make a beeline to the bar where I see Sasha hovering, making sure all is running smoothly. She can tell in an instant that I’m in a state. “Jim, get my girl a margarita, stat!” she says. The music switches to a slow song as the amazing Mexican drink hits my hand, and I immediately start to cry. After I down the margarita in one long-ass sip.

  “Girlfriend, girlfriend…” Sasha coos at me as she puts her hand on my lower back and turns me to face the wall so no one can see me cry. “I take it things didn’t go the way you wanted them to with Ralph?”

  “Under… statement… of… the century,” I hiccup through sobs.

  “Oh, sweetie, I’m sorry. Drink up, drink up.” She hands me another. “And tell me everything.”

  For the next few songs, we stand in the corner, watching the multitude of couples swaying together in slow motion while I drink way too much and pour my heart out to Sasha. Dr. Knowles and Lionel are dancing. The way he holds her and looks at her is so damn sweet. I can’t believe I never noticed their connection before. Otto is here and…

  “Oh my gosh, he’s dancing with Nancy, the lady from the cafeteria!”

  “Who is? Ralph? Do you need me to kill him for you?”

  “No, not Ralph. Otto. Look!”

  Otto gives me a jaunty little salute over his date’s shoulder. I’m so happy for him. Mom and Dad are dancing, of course. I even spot Mabel paired up with some guy and looking content in his arms. I wonder if that’s the boyfriend she mentioned?

  I’m about to order another drink to stave off any more of the sad-sack feelings I’m experiencing watching all these happy couples undulating around me when the music suddenly cuts off, and I hear Dr. Knowles’ soothing voice come over the speakers in the room.

  At what point did I start finding her voice soothing?

  “Ladies and gentlemen. We hope you’re enjoying the evening. We at the Museum of Natural Sciences wanted to take just a moment to thank you from the bottom of our hearts for supporting us the way you do. Tonight is all about you, our funders, our benefactors, our patrons, and our friends. We couldn’t provide any of the programming we do without you, so thank you for being such a vital part of our community.”