by T. S. Eliot
It has made enough in me. Thirty-five years ago
You took my husband from me. Now you take my son.
AGATHA. What did I take? nothing that you ever had.
What did I get? thirty years of solitude,
Alone, among women, in a women’s college,
Trying not to dislike women. Thirty years in which to think.
Do you suppose that I wanted to return to Wishwood?
AMY. The more rapacious, to take what I never had;
The more unpardonable, to taunt me with not having it.
Had you taken what I had, you would have left me at least a memory
Of something to live upon. You knew that you took everything
Except the walls, the furniture, the acres;
Leaving nothing — but what I could breed for myself,
What I could plant here. Seven years I kept him,
For the sake of the future, a discontented ghost,
In his own house. What of the humiliation,
Of the chilly pretences in the silent bedroom,
Forcing sons upon an unwilling father?
Dare you think what that does to one? Try to think of it.
I would have sons, if I could not have a husband:
Then I let him go. I abased myself.
Did I show any weakness, any self-pity?
I forced myself to the purposes of Wishwood;
I even asked you back, for visits, after he was gone,
So that there might be no ugly rumours.
You thought I did not know!
You may be close, but I always saw through him.
And now it is my son.
AGATHA. I know one thing, Amy:
That you have never changed. And perhaps I have not.
I thought that I had, until this evening.
But at least I wanted to. Now I must begin.
There is nothing more difficult. But you are just the same:
Just as voracious for what you cannot have
Because you repel it.
AMY. I prepared the situation
For us to be reconciled, because of Harry,
Because of his mistakes, because of his unhappiness,
Because of the misery that he has left behind him,
Because of the waste. I wanted to obliterate
His past life, and have nothing except to remind him
Of the years when he had been a happy boy at Wishwood;
For his future success.
AGATHA. Success is relative:
It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things,
It is what he can make, not what you would make for him.
AMY. Success is one thing, what you would make for him
Is another. I call it failure. Your fury for possession
Is only the stronger for all these years of abstinence.
Thirty-five years ago you took my husband from me
And now you take my son.
AGATHA. Why should we quarrel for what neither can have?
If neither has ever had a husband or a son
We have no ground for argument.
AMY. Who set you up to judge? what, if you please,
Gives you the power to know what is best for Harry?
What gave you this influence to persuade him
To abandon his duty, his family and his happiness?
Who has planned his good? is it you or I?
Thirty-five years designing his life,
Eight years watching, without him, at Wishwood,
Years of bitterness and disappointment.
What share had you in this? what have you given?
And now at the moment of success against failure,
When I felt assured of his settlement and happiness,
You who took my husband, now you take my son.
You take him from Wishwood, you take him from me,
You take him …
[Enter MARY]
MARY. Excuse me, Cousin Amy. I have just seen Denman.
She came to tell me that Harry is leaving:
Downing told her. He has got the car out.
What is the matter?
AMY. That woman there,
She has persuaded him: I do not know how.
I have been always trying to make myself believe
That he was not such a weakling as his father
In the hands of any unscrupulous woman.
I have no influence over him; you can try,
But you will not succeed: she has some spell
That works from generation to generation.
MARY. Is Harry really going?
AGATHA. He is going.
But that is not my spell, it is none of my doing:
I have only watched and waited. In this world
It is inexplicable, the resolution is in another.
MARY. Oh, but it is the danger comes from another!
Can you not stop him? Cousin Agatha, stop him!
You do not know what I have seen and what I know!
He is in great danger, I know that, don’t ask me,
You would not believe me, but I tell you I know.
You must keep him here, you must not let him leave.
I do not know what must be done, what can be done,
Even here, but elsewhere, everywhere, he is in danger.
I will stay or I will go, whichever is better;
I do not care what happens to me,
But Harry must not go. Cousin Agatha!
AGATHA. Here the danger, here the death, here, not elsewhere;
Elsewhere no doubt is agony, renunciation,
But birth and life. Harry has crossed the frontier
Beyond which safety and danger have a different meaning.
And he cannot return. That is his privilege.
For those who live in this world, this world only,
Do you think that I would take the responsibility
Of tempting them over the border? No one could, no one who knows.
No one who has the least suspicion of what is to be found there.
But Harry has been led across the frontier: he must follow;
For him the death is now only on this side,
For him, danger and safety have another meaning.
They have made this clear. And I who have seen them must believe them.
MARY. Oh! … so … you have seen them too!
AGATHA. We must all go, each in his own direction,
You, and I, and Harry. You and I,
My dear, may very likely meet again
In our wanderings in the neutral territory
Between two worlds.
MARY. Then you will help me!
You remember what I said to you this evening?
I knew that I was right: you made me wait for this —
Only for this. I suppose I did not really mean it
Then, but I mean it now. Of course it was much too late
Then, for anything to come for me: I should have known it;
It was all over, I believe, before it began;
But I deceived myself. It takes so many years
To learn that one is dead! So you must help me.
I will go. But I suppose it is much too late
Now, to try to get a fellowship?
AMY. So you will all leave me!
An old woman alone in a damned house.
I will let the walls crumble. Why should I worry
To keep the tiles on the roof, combat the endless weather,
Resist the wind? fight with increasing taxes
And unpaid rents and tithes? nourish investments
With wakeful nights and patient calculations
With the solicitor, the broker, agent? Why should I?
It is no concern of the body in the tomb
To bother about the upkeep. Let the wind and rain do that.
[While AMY has been speaking,HARRY has entered, dressed for departure.]
HARRY.
But, mother, you will always have Arthur and John
To worry about: not that John is any worry —
The destined and the perfect master of Wishwood,
The satisfactory son. And as for me,
I am the last you need to worry about;
I have my course to pursue, and I am safe from normal dangers
If I pursue it. I cannot account for this
But it is so, mother. Until I come again.
AMY. If you go now, I shall never see you again.
[Meanwhile VIOLET, GERALD and CHARLES have entered]
CHARLES. Where is Harry going? What is the matter?
AMY. Ask Agatha.
GERALD. Why, what’s the matter? Where is he going?
AMY. Ask Agatha.
VIOLET. I cannot understand at all. Why is he leaving?
AMY. Ask Agatha.
VIOLET. Really, it sometimes seems to me
That I am the only sane person in this house.
Your behaviour all seems to me quite unaccountable.
What has happened, Amy?
AMY. Harry is going away — to become a missionary.
HARRY. But …!
CHARLES. A missionary! that’s never happened in our family!
And why in such a hurry? Before you make up your mind …
VIOLET. You can’t really think of living in a tropical climate!
GERALD. There’s nothing wrong with a tropical climate —
But you have to go in for some sort of training;
The medical knowledge is the first thing.
I’ve met with missionaries, often enough —
Some of them very decent fellows. A maligned profession.
They’re sometimes very useful, knowing the natives,
Though occasionally troublesome. But you’ll have to learn the language
And several dialects. It means a lot of preparation.
VIOLET. And you need some religious qualification!
I think you should consult the vicar …
GERALD. And don’t forget
That you’ll need various inoculations —
That depends on where you’re going.
CHARLES. Such a thing
Has never happened in our family.
VIOLET. I cannot understand it.
HARRY. I never said that I was going to be a missionary.
I would explain, but you would none of you believe it;
If you believed it, still you would not understand.
You can’t know why I am going. You have not seen
What I have seen. Oh why should you make it so ridiculous
Just now? I only want, please,
As little fuss as possible. You must get used to it;
Meanwhile, I apologise for my bad manners.
But if you could understand you would be quite happy about it,
So I shall say good-bye, until we meet again.
GERALD. Well, if you are determined, Harry, we must accept it;
But it’s a bad night, and you will have to be careful.
You’re taking Downing with you?
HARRY. Oh, yes, I’m taking Downing.
You need not fear that I am in any danger
Of such accidents as happen to Arthur and John:
Take care of them. My address, mother,
Will be care of the bank in London until you hear from me.
Good-bye, mother.
AMY. Good-bye, Harry.
HARRY. Good-bye.
AGATHA. Good-bye.
HARRY. Good-bye, Mary.
MARY. Good-bye, Harry. Take care of yourself.
[Exit HARRY]
AMY. At my age, I only just begin to apprehend the truth
About things too late to mend: and that is to be old.
Nevertheless, I am glad if I can come to know them.
I always wanted too much for my children
More than life can give. And now I am punished for it.
Gerald! you are the stupidest person in this room,
Violet, you are the most malicious in a harmless way;
I prefer your company to that of any of the others
Just to help me to the next room. Where I can lie down.
Then you can leave me.
GERALD. Oh, certainly, Amy.
VIOLET. I do not understand
A single thing that’s happened.
[Exeunt AMY, VIOLET, GERALD]
CHARLES. It’s very odd,
But I am beginning to feel, just beginning to feel
That there is something I could understand, if I were told it.
But I’m not sure that I want to know. I suppose I’m getting old:
Old age came softly up to now. I felt safe enough;
And now I don’t feel safe. As if the earth should open
Right to the centre, as I was about to cross Pall Mall.
I thought that life could bring no further surprises;
But I remember now, that I am always surprised
By the bull-dog in the Burlington Arcade.
What if every moment were like that, if one were awake?
You both seem to know more about this than I do.
[Enter DOWNING, hurriedly, in chauffeur’s costume]
DOWNING. Oh, excuse me, Miss, excuse me, Mr. Charles:
His Lordship sent me back because he remembered
He thinks he left his cigarette-case on the table.
Oh, there it is. Thank you. Good night, Miss; good night,
Miss Mary; good night, Sir.
MARY. Downing, will you promise never to leave his Lordship
While you are away?
DOWNING. Oh, certainly, Miss;
I’ll never leave him so long as he requires me.
MARY. But he will need you. You must never leave him.
DOWNING. You may think it laughable, what I’m going to say —
But it’s not really strange, Miss, when you come to look at it:
After all these years that I’ve been with him
I think I understand his Lordship better than anybody;
And I have a kind of feeling that his Lordship won’t need me
Very long now. I can’t give you any reasons.
But to show you what I mean, though you’d hardly credit it,
I’ve always said, whatever happened to his Lordship
Was just a kind of preparation for something else.
I’ve no gift of language, but I’m sure of what I mean:
We most of us seem to live according to circumstance,
But with people like him, there’s something inside them
That accounts for what happens to them. You get a feeling of it.
So I seem to know beforehand, when something’s going to happen,
And it seems quite natural, being his Lordship.
And that’s why I say now, I have a feeling
That he won’t want me long, and he won’t want anybody.
AGATHA. And, Downing, if his behaviour seems unaccountable
At times, you mustn’t worry about that.
He is every bit as sane as you or I,
He sees the world as clearly as you or I see it,
It is only that he has seen a great deal more than that,
And we have seen them too — Miss Mary and I.
DOWNING. I understand you, Miss. And if I may say so,
Now that you’ve raised the subject, I’m most relieved —
If you understand my meaning. I thought that was the reason
We was off tonight. In fact, I half expected it,
So I had the car all ready. You mean them ghosts, Miss!
I wondered when his Lordship would get round to seeing them —
