People Skills_How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts

by Robert Bolton PhD

  A sixth outcome of aggressiveness is alienation from other people. Aggressive persons create for themselves a double bind: they do not respect anyone they can dominate, yet they fear an equal relationship. Frederick the Great, the militant king of eighteenth-century Prussia, illustrates this point. He said to his subjects, “Obey.” Ironically, just before he died, he commented, “I am tired of ruling slaves.” Like Frederick, many a dominating spouse, authoritarian parent, controlling teacher, and aggressive manager learn how frustrating and unfulfilling it is to relate to and work with those who have capitulated to their authority.

  Aggression undermines love at the other end of the relationship, too. Ultimately, the person being dominated will experience alienation from the aggressor as a result of being controlled. Like other aggressors, Adolf Hitler was a lonely man. Though millions cheered him at the height of his power, Hitler was aware of his complete loneliness. Albert Speer, one of Hitler’s top associates, reports the Führer’s telling him that after his (Hitler’s) eventual retirement, he would soon be forgotten. Speer summarizes Hitler’s words:

  People would turn to his successor quickly enough once it became evident that power was now in those hands…. Everyone would forsake him. Playing with this idea, with a good measure of self-pity, he continued: “Perhaps one of my former associates will visit me occasionally. But I don’t count on it. Aside from Fräulein Braun, I’ll take no one with me. Fräulein Braun and my dog. I’ll be lonely. For why should anyone voluntarily stay with me for any length of time? Nobody will take notice of me any more. They’ll all go running after my successor. Perhaps once a year they’ll show up for my birthday.”

  Not all aggressors perpetrate the kinds of evils associated with Hitler. Some people are aggressive for good causes, but they pay too high a price in human relationships. As someone put it, “I love reforms but I hate reformers.”

  Aggression can also do serious injury to one’s health. Coronary thrombosis, one of the deadliest diseases of our time, takes its heaviest toll on aggressive people.

  Another negative consequence of aggressive behavior is that it creates an unsafe society for everyone. The widespread aggression in our society has made it increasingly dangerous to casually enjoy simple pleasures we once took for granted. The evening stroll in the park, the freedom to leave one’s possessions momentarily unattended in a public place or one’s home vacant during a holiday, the fun of seeking treats on Halloween—these are a few of the “routine personal pleasures” that can no longer be enjoyed without carefully premeditated self-protection. A growing distrust and fear hamper the pleasure and freedom of aggressive, submissive, and assertive people alike.

  War is the most devastating problem we face. Today the incredible horrors of thermonuclear, chemical, and bacteriological warfare threaten the very survival of all life on earth. While we face many other serious problems in the twentieth century, unless we learn to cope with our human aggressiveness, we may not be here long enough to solve them.

  The Advantages of Assertion

  One of the most striking things about assertive people is that they like themselves. They are in a much better position to feel good about themselves than are submissive or aggressive individuals. Although assertiveness isn’t the only factor in building a sense of self-worth, there is much truth in therapist Herbert Fensterheim’s claim that “the extent to which you assert yourself determines the level of your self-esteem.”

  A second benefit: of assertion is that it fosters fulfilling relationships. Assertion releases much positive energy toward others. Less preoccupied by self-consciousness and anxiety and less driven by the needs for self-protection or control, the assertive: person can “see,” “hear,” and love others more easily. Assertion makes you more comfortable with yourself, and therefore others find it more comfortable to be with you. The richest and most wholesome intimate relationships are between two assertive people. Intimacy has been defined as “the ability to express my deepest aspirations, hopes, fears, anxieties, and guilts to another significant person repeatedly.” That kind of disclosure is assertive behavior. There is another important dimension to intimacy, however, which is frequently overlooked. In their book The Intimate Marriage, Howard and Charlotte Clinebell point out that intimacy is “the degree of mutual need-satisfaction within the relationship.” Healthy, mutual need-satisfaction can only occur between mutually assertive people. The finest marriages, friendships, and parent-child relationships are the fruit of assertive living.

  Then, too, assertive behavior greatly reduces a person’s fear and anxiety. Research has proven conclusively that learning to make assertive responses definitely weakens the anxiety and tension previously experienced in specific situations. As the increasingly assertive person realizes she can and will gain her needs and defend herself, she does not approach others with fears about being hurt or controlled.

  One of the biggest plusses of assertive behavior is living one’s own life. Your chances of getting what you want out of life improve greatly when you let others know what you want and stand up for your own rights and needs. Assertion, as we teach it, is results-oriented. My observation of others and my personal experience leads me to believe that more of a person’s needs will be satisfied by being consistently assertive than by submissive or aggressive behavior. There are times, of course, when effective assertion does not succeed in obtaining its goal. But I believe that in most circumstances assertive behavior is the most appropriate, effective, constructive way of defending one’s space and fulfilling one’s needs.

  On those occasions when assertion does not obtain the results sought, it may still be a preferable way of relating. As John Ruskin said, “It is better to prefer honorable defeat to a mean victory.”

  The Price of Assertive Behavior

  Assertive behavior has many plusses, but assertive people will also pay a price. That price includes disruptions in one’s life, the pain associated with honest and caring confrontation, and the arduous personal struggle involved in altering one’s own habitual behaviors (for those persons who are changing from submissive or aggressive life styles).

  Though submissive people tend to exaggerate the number, the extent, and the probability of mishaps occuring as a result of being assertive, negative results may occur. In the realm of work there have been occasions when people asserted constructively and were fired for it. One’s family life can be upset and one’s spouse even seek a divorce in extreme situations. I think it important to underscore the fact that these drastic results rarely occur as a result of effective assertion. Rather, when one becomes skilled at assertion, human relations tend to improve and the assertive person tends to become more impactful and successful at work. Still, even with the best assertion, some disruption may occur.

  Another price of assertion stems from the fact that being authentically oneself can sometimes be a painful experience. While authenticity in a relationship makes possible joy and intimacy, it also leads to some conflict. To be assertive involves a willingness to risk dissension knowing that some conflict is necessary to build a significant relationship of equals. To be assertive also involves becoming vulnerable in significant relationships. Without that vulnerability, one cannot experience the joy of enduring love. (One may experience infatuation without authenticity, but not the fulfillment of a rooted relationship.) Still, when we dare to be vulnerable, even with trusted friends, we sometimes get hurt.

  Assertion training often forces reappraisal of one’s basic values. People find themselves trying to understand conflicting values in a new light. If one has always valued “peace at any price” and then sees how assertion training demonstrates the negative effect which that stance can have on both parties, the difficult task of reshaping values is at hand. The reexamination of values held since childhood is scary stuff for many people.

  The greatest price of all probably is the exercise of willpower required to forego overreliance on submissive or aggressive habits and to develop new and effect
ive ways of relating. Most of us have struggled to give up some bad habits. Even when our sense of identity is consistent with the behavioral change we seek, and our values reinforce the need to change, it is still very difficult to alter ingrained habits.

  A major contribution of assertion training is that it deals with each of these negative factors. It helps people learn to make more realistic appraisals of the possible consequences of their assertion. It helps many see some of the values issues in a different and helpful perspective. Drawing on learning theory and other sources, it helps people learn how to break dysfunctional habits as they develop more fulfilling ways of living and relating.

  CHOOSE FOR YOURSELF

  A major goal of assertion training is to enable people to take charge of their own lives. It helps them break out of ruts and away from stereotyped or compulsive behaviors. At its best, assertion helps people develop the power of choice over their actions.

  Because of early conditioning, some people automatically behave submissively. Others are habitually aggressive. Most people are predictably submissive or aggressive at least in some specific situations. The proper goal of assertion training is to help individuals choose their behaviors effectively, not to have them behave assertively in every situation.

  Henry Emerson Fosdick wrote, “Submissiveness … is an inescapable element in our make-up, and something good or evil must be done with it.” There are times in every person’s life when submissive behavior is appropriate. I believe that the same is true of aggressiveness. There are moments when aggressive behavior is the most fitting response. To make people compulsively assertive is not the goal of this book.

  Sometimes it is wise for me to give in to others. Sometimes it may be necessary for me to aggressively defend my rights. One day I may choose to do my own thing. The next day I may suppress my own needs and give way to another’s concerns. Though I may choose to be submissive on some occasions and aggressive at some other times, I strongly believe that behaviors in the assertion range of the continuum will be most appropriate most of the time.

  SUMMARY

  Listening and assertion are the yin and yang of communication—the very different but complementary and interdependent parts of relationships. Just as there are skills for developing one’s ability at listening, so there are skills for increasing one’s assertiveness.

  Each individual has a personal space which needs defending. Likewise, each of us has a psychological need to impact on others and the world. Assertion training teaches constructive methods of defending one’s space and impacting on others.

  One way of understanding assertion is to see it in contrast with submission and aggression. There are payoffs and penalties for each of those ways of relating. A primary goal of assertion training is to enable people to take charge of their own lives. It helps them avoid repeating dysfunctional and stereotyped behaviors so that they make a fitting response in the situation in which they find themselves. In the next chapter the focus is on how to use one of the most effective of the assertion methods available.

  ***When using the popular phrase “negative” emotions, I put the word negative in quotation marks because no emotion or category of emotions (like anger or grief) is any “better” or “worse” than any other (such as joy or excitement).

  CHAPTER NINE

  Developing Three-Part

  Assertion Messages

  When people won’t let you alone, it’s because you haven’t learned how to make them do it.

  —David Seabury, psychologist

  You can defend your personal space. This chapter tells you how to do it. Most animals defend their space—and their lives—by fight or flight. Only humans have the third option of verbal confrontation. Some ways of verbal confrontation are much more effective than others. One of the most productive ways of asserting involves the use of a message which contains three parts:

  a nonjudgmental description of the behavior to be changed;

  a disclosure of the asserter’s feelings; and

  a clarification of the concrete and tangible effect of the other person’s behavior on the asserter.

  In the process of framing these messages, the asserter unexpectedly finds himself on a voyage of self-discovery, learning much about himself.

  VERBAL ASSERTION:

  THE THIRD OPTION

  Every creature of every species on earth has the problem of defending its space, its life, from invasion and attack. Likewise, every creature has inherited certain coping mechanisms for self-preservation.

  Fight or flight are the primary coping behaviors of the subhuman species, especially the vertebrates. These responses are nearly automatic, preprogrammed behaviors of significant survival value for the lower animals. Human beings use these methods, too, sometimes openly and sometimes in veiled ways. But unlike other species, we humans have a third important option for defending our space. The feature that most distinguishes us from other species is the “new” verbal and problem-solving brain which evolution added to our more primitive animal brain.

  About a million years ago, according to Dr. Manuel Smith, evolution seems to have weeded out our ancestral cousins who did not incorporate this third option into their primitive coping behaviors of fight and flight. At the same time, evolution improved the verbal and problem-solving abilities of our ancestors who survived and produced us as their descendants. When our space is about to be invaded, this portion of our human brain makes it possible for us to communicate and work out our problems. These skills are the major survival difference between humans and those species which have already died, face extinction, or survive only by mankind’s sufferance.

  The coping mechanisms of fight and flight inherited from our prehuman ancestors correspond roughly to aggression and submission. While occasionally helpful to people in our day, these ways of coping are often inadequate. Excessive dependence on either of these approaches is undesirable.

  Smith writes:

  The patients I see in therapy get angry and aggressive toward other people too often for their own liking, or continually fear and then retreat from other people, or are fed up with losing and being depressed most of the time. Most people seen by therapists are seeking help as a result of over-reliance on fight or flight in various … forms.

  While we have inherited the ability to fight or run for survival, we alone of the earth’s species are not limited to those options. Instead, we have the human option to resolve our differences by talking things out with others.

  A most important and often difficult aspect of utilizing this third option is learning to use language precisely and effectively. Assertion, like surgery, requires accuracy—not rash statements or rambling comments. As one of our students put it, “When you have a right to beef, there’s a right way to word it.”

  Even under normal circumstances, people often find it difficult to speak with precision. When asserting, a person is usually angry, frustrated, or afraid, and in that condition of emotional stress it is even more difficult to convey one’s meanings accurately and succinctly. Concerning moments when assertion is appropriate, people have told me: “When he does that, it just gets to me. It touches off my temper and I can’t control myself.” Others say, “Something seems to come over me, and I can’t do a thing about it. I just crawl into my shell and suffer in silence.”

  When someone violates our space, the working of our bodies usually impedes our verbal capacity. Stress causes the lower brain centers to interfere with much of the operation of the higher brain. A large proportion of the blood is automatically routed away from the brain to the skeletal muscles during these emotional states. These factors inhibit the verbal and problem-solving brain, and so it does not perform with usual efficiency.

  Though it is difficult to speak accurately while under stress, it is not impossible. Even when we are very scared or furiously angry, our behavior can be selected, not compelled, and our words can be chosen, not triggered.

  THREE-PART

  ASSER
TION MESSAGES

  When a person invades my life space, I want him out of it. To accomplish that purpose, I will send an assertion message with the goal of changing the behavior which is intruding on my personal territory.

  People in our classes often believe it is unethical to try to change another person’s behavior. I agree with them in large measure. One of the major interpersonal problems is that too many people are trying to shape and control other people’s lives. However, when someone is violating my space, I want THAT behavior changed.

  This issue needs to be faced squarely at the outset of our discussion of learning to use assertion messages. When another person trespasses on my space, it is in my best interest, in his best interest, and in society’s best interest for me to confront him in such a way that the behavior is altered and he respects the legitimate boundaries of my space. It is neither manipulative nor controlling for me to utilize the most effective and humane means available to defend myself.

  Effective assertion is characterized by firmness without domination. It vigorously defends one’s own space while steadfastly refusing to violate the trespasser’s turf. That is why the three-part message contains no solution. It is up to the other person to figure out how he can best evacuate my space. The recipient of these messages can usually come up with a resolution of the problem that preserves his self-respect and meets my needs.

  When I want another person to modify a behavior that is intrusive on my space, the method I use must meet the following criteria: