People Skills_How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts

by Robert Bolton PhD

stop the action,

  don’t become emotionally embroiled yourself,

  accept the feeling, and

  (perhaps) suggest alternative behaviors.

  Five-year-old Brad hit his little brother. His mother said, “Stop hitting your brother right now. You are real mad at him and want to smash him. Feeling mad is OK, but hitting him is not. Here, you can pound this pillow and get some of your anger out.”

  Brad stopped hitting his brother. He pounded the pillow and screamed out his rage at his brother, who had broken one of his toys. His mother stayed in the room and heard his rage without expressing either approval or disapproval. In fact, she didn’t say a word. Having vented his anger, Brad was ready to play again.

  Brad’s mother told me, “A few months ago, I wouldn’t have allowed Brad to ‘own’ his feelings. I would have stopped the hitting, all right, but I also would have moralized and ordered: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Tell Albert that you are sorry.’ I now realize that making Brad keep his anger in simply meant that it was stored inside him so the next time his brother bothered him, there was a greater accumulation of anger to pour out.”

  Let’s take a more detailed look at each of the steps of this method. First, there are times when another person’s actions must be halted. If words do not succeed, the person should be physically restrained. If Brad kept punching Albert after his mother told him to stop, she would have had to hold his hands firmly (but nonpunitively) while repeating her message.

  It is especially difficult for young children to control their socially unacceptable feelings. Parents should be allies in the child’s struggle to cope with these strong feelings. Parental limit-setting stops the destructive behaviors and conveys the unspoken message, “You don’t have to fear your feelings; I won’t let you express them harmfully.”

  The next step is to refrain from becoming emotionally embroiled yourself. Some people say, “That’s just the trouble. I do get overinvolved. I can’t seem to help it.” Three things have helped many people attain emotional control. One is realizing that, at times, all of us have so-called negative feelings, like anger. If Jesus could express his anger both nonverbally and verbally, and if prophets like Hosea could speak of God’s “fierce anger,” does it not seem reasonable to expect angry feelings in all human beings? Many psychologists teach that feelings are not good or bad, they simply are. When I don’t think my child’s emotions are “bad,” I am more able to attain detachment from the situation.

  Next, it helps me to realize that the expression of emotions is the best way of getting rid of that emotion and makes it less likely that the other person will want to act out that feeling.

  Finally, it is possible simply to decide not to get emotionally involved. That decision can be made instantly, at the beginning of an incident. Otherwise, the increasing emotional momentum will be too much to surmount. Like the willpower required for me not to eat hot fudge sundaes or for another person to give up smoking or excessive drinking, the act of will is difficult, but not impossible.

  The second step is to demonstrate acceptance of the other person’s feelings. “Discipline problems” typically consist of two parts—angry feelings and angry acts. Most people tend to treat the feelings and the acts in the same way. Permissive (submissive) parents may allow both the actions and the feelings. They are reluctant to set firm limits. Authoritarian (aggressive) parents usually try to control both the child’s behaviors and feelings.

  The assertive approach to these difficult situations is to take one approach to the person’s conduct and another approach to his feelings. While the angry acts may have to be limited, the angry feelings are best expressed and accepted. This helps the child to feel OK about himself and thereby be in a better position to deal constructively with the situation.

  The third step is to help the other person find alternative ways of expressing his feelings. The feelings exist, they are probably very genuine, and it is often beneficial to vent them. It is important to try to find action outlets as well as verbal outlets when suggesting a substitute expression for the destructive actions that were taking place. When children become older and more experienced at this they can be encouraged to come up with their own ways of venting their feelings nondestructively.

  SAY “NO!”

  The road to a significant “Yes!” usually leads through a definite “No!” The founders of our country discovered that they could not preserve the freedoms they struggled to win without the support of some powerful nos. To preserve their hardwon freedoms, they drafted a magnificently negative document, the Bill of Rights. Out of the ten amendments in that cornerstone of our democracy, eight of them incorporate important nos into the law of our land:

  “Congress shall make no law….

  “The right of the people to bear arms shall not be infringed….

  “No soldier shall be quartered….

  “The right of the people to be secure … shall not be violated….

  “No person shall be held to answer….

  “No fact tried by a jury shall be otherwise re-examined….

  “Excessive bail shall not be required….

  “The enumeration of certain rights shall not be construed….”

  To say yes to individual freedom, our country has had to say no to a whole series of acts of government.

  In our individual lives, too, our most important yeses have to be protected by resolute nos. If I am to say yes to writing this book, I must say no to my loved ones, I must often say strong nos to other people who want my time. If I am to say yes to some solitude, I must say some difficult nos to my loved ones as well as to the others who make demands on my life.

  The word no is so important and the inability to say it is so widespread that the best-seller lists once simultaneously featured two books written to help people say that two-letter word. Most of us are surrounded by people who will make many requests and place many demands on us. If you don’t say this simple word when you want to say it, you lose control of your life. Yet many people find that this is the hardest of all the words in the English language to say face-to-face.

  People who have difficulty saying no seldom think of the variety of ways that message can be conveyed. Here are some of the many ways of saying no:

  Your Natural “No.” Many people develop their own individual ways of turning down invitations or stating refusals.

  Reflective Listening, Then “No.” A friend of mine commonly uses this approach. She reflects both the content and feeling of the request and then states her no: “You really need me to crew for you in the sailing races. I’d love to do it but I made a prior commitment. I just can’t do it this weekend.”

  The Reasoned “No.” The person says no and gives a very succinct explanation of his reason. The reason is sincere and is not an excuse. For example, when Bertha asked Marie to play bridge, Marie said, “No. Thanks anyway. I don’t enjoy playing bridge.”

  The Raincheck “No.” The person says no to this particular request, but suggests that he be asked again. Earl, who had been a hi-fi buff for years, told Tom, who was about to buy his first set, that he would help him shop for one if he wished. On a Saturday morning, just as Earl was getting started on some yard work he planned to do, Tom phoned and said: “You promised to help me pick out a hi-fi set. Today is the day! How about it?” Earl replied, “Gee, today isn’t good for me. But I can be free next Saturday.”

  The Broken Record. This way of saying no involves using a one-sentence refusal statement and repeating that like a broken record no matter what the other person says. The broken record is helpful in dealing with very aggressive or manipulative people who “won’t take no for an answer.” Extremely submissive people who are likely to buy things they don’t want from high-pressure salespeople often find this method helpful. It is also useful for those people at the other end of the continuum who are highly aggressive and are apt to lose control and become verbally or even physically abusive. The broken record method can b
e 100 percent effective in maintaining one’s refusal while continuing to retain emotional self-control.

  Six guidelines will help you use the broken-record response:

  Select a succinct one-sentence refusal statement and use only that statement, no matter what the other person says or does.

  After each statement by the other person, say your broken-record sentence. Don’t allow yourself to get sidetracked by responding to any issues the other raises.

  Say it in a soft, calm, unemotional voice.

  Don’t “attend” to the other person very well—yet avoid gross nonattending behaviors. (Attending will only encourage him to keep talking.)

  Allow plenty of silence. (In the silence, the other person will realize that all his statements and manipulations will be futile.)

  Persist. You must simply state your broken-record refusal one more time than the other person makes his request, questions, or statements. If he has six interactions, you need to last only seven broken-record statements to get your needs met. If he has three statements, you simply have to do four. After the first interaction or two, the other will become ill at ease (but seldom angry) and will be ready to stop even though his momentum may carry him through one or more statements.

  Meg Noblock told the members of a communication skills class that she consistently allowed her beautician to “con me into getting my hair done in the latest style even when I wanted it done differently.” Meg would say she wanted it done in a particular way, but the beautician always went into a long dialogue and Meg finally relented even though she remained unconvinced. She seldom liked the results. After learning the broken-record method, Meg reported this conversation:

  Beautician: Should we frost your hair this time?

  Meg: No, I’d rather keep my normal coloring. I really don’t want it frosted. Just shape it a bit.

  Beautician: If I frost your hair, your face will have a much softer look.

  Meg: I really don’t want it frosted.

  Beautician: I bet everyone will like it much better than your plain dark brown hair.

  Meg: I really don’t want it frosted.

  Beautician: I was just at a hair show in New York and light frosting is the in thing right now.

  Meg: I really don’t want it frosted.

  Beautician: How about just a halo of frosting around your face?

  Meg: I really don’t want it frosted.

  Beautician: Are you sure you just want me to cut it and not frost it?

  Meg: I really don’t want it frosted.

  Beautician: Okay. I’ll just cut it and forget the frosting this time.

  The broken-record method may be used appropriately with magazine, encyclopedia, and telephone salespersons. It can be very helpful in the beginning stages of defending one’s space nonaggressively, but one of the things that makes it most effective—the refusal to even acknowledge that you have heard most of the other person’s statements—is a serious drawback to the method. The broken record protects your space and preserves peace, but it does not foster dialogue as much as many of the other methods described. So whenever possible—and especially with intimates or with neighbors or ongoing work relationships—I recommend using another of the assertive methods.

  The Flat-out “No.” In this kind of a “no” statement the person does not choose to reflect, offer reasons, or extend a raincheck. You have a right not to give reasons for your refusal or answer any questions, although it is usually easier on the other person if you do. A flat-out “no,” blunt as it is, is usually a more appropriate response than rationalizations or lengthy justifications. The flat-out “no” is rarely used by assertive persons. However, they have the inner freedom to make this kind of a response when it is fitting.

  The Celebrative “No.” Sometimes a no is a major declaration and can be enhanced by dramatizing it. Mahatma Gandhi’s dramatic “salt march” was his way of saying, “No!” to the oppression of the British Empire’s imperialism in India. Martin Luther’s nailing his theses to the door of the cathedral church in Wittenberg, Germany was a dramatic way of saying a notable “No!” to what he believed were significant ecclesiastical errors and abuses.

  Whatever form of no is decided upon, its effectiveness depends largely upon one’s own inner determination. What Jonathan Weiss says about a parent’s inner resolution—the “absolute no,” as he calls it—applies to adult-adult relationships as well:

  There is evidence that what stops a young child is whatever the parents’ absolute no is. A psychologist I know told me the following fact. Psychologists say that as parents they are themselves practically always too permissive; they let their kids do too much. But the one thing a psychologist’s child never does is break into a conference room where his father is seeing a patient, not really because he thinks his father would do anything to him, but because he knows that is where the parent has drawn an absolute line. Whenever the parent draws an absolute line and lets the child know what the absolute no is, there the child stops.

  Saying no, as Weiss points out, is one of the most effective ways of clearly and seriously indicating the boundaries of one’s own space. When that is done with strong inner resolve, the other person will nearly always honor your space.

  No is one of the great words in the English language. Of course, it can be overused as well as underused. Some people sink into nitpicking and negativity. Some suffer from the “neurosis of defiance.” But if one avoids these pitfalls, his life will be richer because of the power of a positive no. Two thousand years ago, Jesus of Nazareth stated it well: “Let your yes be a clear yes, and your no, no. Anything else spells trouble.”

  MODIFY THE ENVIRONMENT

  Some of the problems that develop between people result in part from the environment. Rather than asserting to the individuals involved, the psychologist Thomas Gordon says, it may be more appropriate to alter the environment.

  The environment can be impoverished. When young children are apt to break valuable possessions, they can be placed out of reach. When a group of secretaries spent what seemed like an excessive amount of time talking with one another, office landscaping was used to decrease their interpersonal contact and the time spent conversing diminished considerably.

  The environment can also be enriched. Parents of young children do this when they provide toys and games for long car trips. Parents of twin boys who were fond of roughhousing put some wrestling mats on the basement floor and asked the boys to confine their pushing and shoving to that area. A husband who is president of an international operation frequently battled with his wife about putting the car keys in a certain spot when they were through driving so the other would have easy access to the keys. After a class session on environmental modification, they bought some extra sets of keys and the unpleasantness about that topic ceased.

  Most environments can be modified to better meet people’s needs and to reduce interpersonal friction. Some graduates from our courses make quarterly or annual lists of ways they can improve their environment at work and at home.

  Sometimes you can modify the environment by yourself. At other times, it is important to secure the agreement and ideas of several people. Brainstorming (see pages 243-245) is a good method to use when two or more people generate the ideas.

  THE DANGER

  OF GOING OVERBOARD

  When people who tend to be submissive learn to protect their space with assertion skills, they often go overboard. They frequently go past the assertive zone on the continuum and become aggressive.

  The sudden change can be difficult for friends, family, and colleagues. It would be hard enough if the change occurred at a slow pace. When the change is quick and radical, relationships may become very stressed.

  Some submissive people seem to need to become aggressive for a short while before they develop an assertive life style. The excesses are often shortlived, but can be traumatic for all involved. Many could avoid the excesses with effective coaching and self-discipline.


  Some people use assertion methods but have an aggressive spirit. Their approach is not collaborative. It is not win/win. My colleagues and I once were discussing the fact that our relationships with some assertive people were largely hassle-free. In other relationships, the people seemed assertive because they were using assertive methods. But they confronted over many little things. They asserted at the “drop of a hat.” We finally decided there was a fourth category on the assertion continuum. Besides people who are submissive, assertive, and aggressive, there are the “fussbudgets”! The fussbudgets in our lives were no pleasure to be with and work with. They were too consistently demanding. It finally dawned on me that the fussbudgets were really a subgrouping within the aggressive category.

  THE AURA OF ASSERTIVENESS

  Have you ever noticed how one teacher will step before a class and have its attention and respect before he says a word, while another teacher cannot secure or hold its attention even when he shouts? The first teacher has what we call “the aura of assertiveness.” The second teacher lacks it.

  The aura of assertiveness results primarily from the body language that one develops as he becomes more assertive. The assertive person looks and acts strong, confident, and fair. Even when he is not consciously trying, he telegraphs signals that define his space, communicates his healthy sense of self-esteem, and lets people know that he will defend his rights and dignity while respecting the rights and acknowledging the dignity of others.

  At first, being assertive may require strenuous effort. In time, however, much of one’s assertion can be accomplished through effortless influence.

  SUMMARY

  There are many ways of increasing one’s assertiveness. This chapter described several methods:

  “Natural” Assertions

  Self-Disclosure