Space Team: Planet of the Japes

by Barry J. Hutchison

  “Interfacing now underway,” he said, his voice now higher in pitch. “Penetrating firewall now.”

  Cal smirked. “Penetrating.”

  A stream of burning red energy raked across the underbelly of the ship. Cal, Loren and Miz all looked at the corner of the screen.

  “Nine per cent,” Cal said. “Huh, you’re right, Miz, we can just read it ourselves. It’s probably easier, actually.”

  “Fonk,” Loren spat, throwing her weight into the stick and sending them into a sideway spin. “He’s coming again. I don’t know how long I can keep holding him off for.”

  “You’re not exactly holding him off now,” Miz pointed out.

  “Mech, how you doing down there?” Cal asked.

  “I’m currently infiltrating via a back door,” chimed Mech’s voice.

  Cal thought about smirking and saying, “Back door,” but decided against it.

  “I now have limited access to the ship’s system, including the shield controls,” Mech said.

  “Then shut them down!” Cal barked. “Kevin, get ready to hit him with everything we’ve got.”

  “Very good, sir,” said Kevin. “Weapons, too?”

  Cal frowned. “What? Yes. Yes, weapons, too. In fact, just weapons. What else did you think...? Forget it. Just get ready.”

  “Oh,” said Mech.

  “Oh? What’s ‘oh’?” Cal asked.

  “It appears the warp disk is unshielded,” Mech said. “I could destabilize it, triggering a detonation from within the ship. A self-destruct sequence, if you will.”

  “What’ll happen to the big ball of evil?”

  “Impossible to predict,” Mech replied. “However, we will be alive, which would otherwise seem an unlikely prospect.”

  Cal nodded. “Do it.”

  There was a moment’s silence. “Done.”

  The incoming message icon flicked up on screen. It blinked on and off several times before Cal glanced around. “Is someone going to answer that?”

  “I would, but I’m currently immobile,” Mech pointed out.

  “Oh, so that’s what he does!” said Cal. “Loren, could you…?”

  “Trying not to die,” Loren retorted, gritting her teeth as she pulled the ship out of a sharp dive.

  Splurt stretched himself over to Mech’s console, tapped a single button, then returned to Cal’s lap. Dave’s face appeared in the top corner, looking far less confident than it had last time.

  “Hey, Dave!” said Cal. “Fancy seeing you here. Everything OK?”

  “What have you done?” Dave growled. Smoke drifted up from the console in front of him. He wafted it away. “This was you, wasn’t it? This was you?”

  “What was us?” Cal asked.

  “You compromised my warp disk!”

  Cal pulled a surprised face, then looked at the others. “Did any of you guys compromise Dave’s warp disk? No? Anyone?”

  Pushing an ear forward, Cal pretended to listen to Mech. “Wait. Yeah, apparently that was us,” Cal said. He leaned forward in his chair. “So, here’s the deal. Land your ship, hand over Geronimo What’s-his-name and we’ll make sure that—”

  On screen, Dave’s ship exploded. His scream crackled from the Currently Untitled’s speakers, then was abruptly silenced. His face remained frozen on the display for a moment. Cal stared at him. The second-last man alive.

  Or, at least, he had been.

  The image fizzled out. They all watched as the flaming debris of Dave’s ship fell towards the surface of Funworld far below.

  “OK, so that blew to bits far quicker than I thought it would,” Cal said, then he pointed to the debris, and to the large metal sphere tumbling through it. “There! Space Hitler, one o’clock.”

  “Scanners suggest the sphere is damaged, but its integrity is still intact,” Mech’s voice announced.

  “Oh, thank God,” Cal said, relaxing back into his chair. “That’s good.”

  “However, the impact with the ground will almost certainly cause said integrity to fail,” Mech continued. “Thereby unleashing a collapsing black hole, and the proclaimed most dangerous man in the universe.”

  “That’s less good,” Cal said.

  “Should I shoot it, sir?” Kevin asked.

  “No!” Loren said. “We want to keep it intact.”

  “Then we catch it,” said Cal.

  “How?” Miz asked.

  “The tow rope. Or beam. Or whatever,” Cal said. “The thing we used on the scout ship.”

  Loren didn’t waste time replying. She leaned forwards on the stick and engaged the thrusters, hurtling them into a steep downwards dive, chasing down the plummeting sphere.

  Flaming debris passed through the shield and clanged against the hull as the Untitled rocketed down, down, down, the screen now filled with ground, ball, and not a whole lot else.

  “Someone else needs to aim the tow beam,” Loren said, shouting to be heard over the screaming of the engines. “Kevin?”

  “Currently on repair duty, ma’am,” the AI replied. “Rather busy stopping the ship falling apart.”

  A joystick twanged up from Cal’s chair and hit Splurt between the eyes. If he noticed, he didn’t let on. Cal stared at it, uncomprehending, then suddenly it all made sense.

  “OK, where’s my viewfinder thing?” he called, grabbing the stick.

  “I’m afraid it isn’t connected to the tow beam systems, sir. You’re going to have to eyeball it.”

  “Fonk. OK.”

  Cal waggled the stick, and a tiny set of crosshairs shimmied around on screen. “Got it. OK.”

  Taking aim at the ball, he squeezed the trigger. Nothing appeared to happen. “Did I get it?”

  “We’re not close enough,” Kevin said. “The targeting reticle will illuminate when we’re within range.”

  The sphere tumbled and rolled towards the waiting ground. Cal could see the tops of trees, large boulders, and a few monstrous-looking things roaming around now. It was all coming up too soon, too fast.

  “We’re going to hit!” Loren said. “I’m pulling up.”

  “Wait, not yet!” Cal told her. He clenched his back teeth together. “Come on, come on, come on. Light up you shizznod.”

  “Cal! We’re going to crash!”

  “Just be ready.”

  “Oh, great. We’re totally all going to die,” Miz said. “Like, thanks a lot you guys.”

  Cal glowered at the crosshairs, willing them to change. “Come on! What are you waiting…?”

  The reticle went from black to red. Cal squeezed the trigger and felt a shudder of feedback along the stick.

  “Got it!”

  Loren performed several sudden pulls, jerks, twists, tugs and kicks, putting everything the ship had into pulling up. The ground was still hurtling towards them, the sphere suspended midway between the Untitled and a spectacular meeting of metal and rock.

  “Kevin, I need more power!” Loren screamed.

  On screen, the shield display dropped to zero. The red warning lights that had been illuminating the bridge evaporated into darkness. Cal felt Splurt tremble in his lap, but could only grit his teeth and grab his arm rests and brace himself as the ship juddered and bounced and shook.

  Monsters scattered on the plain below. Dust clouds billowed around, churned up by the Untitled’s thrusters.

  “We’re not going to make it!” Cal cried. He closed his eyes, swallowed, and shouted: “I love you guys! Even Mech! Sometimes! There, I said it! I’m sorry I acted like a miserable shizznod. I missed home, but this – you guys – this is home. I’m sorry, I should have realized sooner! I should have—”

  “Cal.”

  “Loren! God, Loren, there’s so much I wanted to say to you. So much I wanted us to do together, and now…”

  “Cal!”

  Cal opened his eyes. The horizon loomed ahead, dropping further and further down the screen as the Untitled climbed towards the clouds.

  “We’re OK. We made it,” Loren sa
id. She shot a wary glance at Miz, only to find her glowering back. Loren smiled hopefully, but Mizette sneered, looked possessively in Cal’s direction, then hooked her legs over the arm rest of her chair and went back to examining her claws.

  “We did?” said Cal. He sat upright. “I mean… Yes. We did! Great.”

  He chuckled, trying to hide his embarrassment. “We’re alive. Yay! And we may or may not have said things in the heat of the moment which we may or may not have meant in the cold light of day! Go us!”

  “Whatever you say,” said Loren. She tried to meet Miz’s eye again, but Mizette was too busy with her nails. “So. What now?”

  Cal tapped a fingernail against his teeth. “I’m not sure,” he admitted. “How do you solve a problem like Space Hitler? That’s from a song by the way.” He shrugged. “You know, kind of. Can we just stick him back, do you think?”

  “No. That is not a possibility,” Mech’s voice informed them. “It appears your fellow Earthman had a final trick up his sleeve.”

  “Is it a fun trick?” Cal asked hopefully.

  “Before his ship was destroyed, I intercepted a signal. It appears he has started a chain reaction at Funworld’s core,” Mech said.

  “I also intercepted that signal,” Kevin said. “In case anyone was wondering.”

  “We weren’t,” said Cal. “What do you mean, ‘a chain reaction’? What kind of chain reaction?”

  There was a flash from the bottom of the screen as a fountain of flame erupted through the planet’s crust. “Oh, that kind. Gotcha,” said Cal.

  “Quick reminder – we have no shields,” Kevin intoned. “Might I recommend we collectively get the fonk out of here, sir?”

  Another geyser of fire punched through the surface of Funworld, hurling molten balls of rock and metal into the air.

  “Recommendation accepted,” Cal said. “Loren, punch it.”

  “Punching it,” Loren confirmed. The Untitled rumbled as it lifted its nose to the atmosphere and accelerated towards space.

  “Kevin, show me the planet’s surface,” Cal said. An overlay from the rear-view camera appeared in the corner of the screen.

  Funworld’s crust was crisscrossed by cracks and chasms. Flames burned in the spaces between them, belching black smoke into the air.

  Cal barely noticed. Instead, he focused on the scattered debris of a single ship, and watched it grow smaller and more distant, until it was consumed by a growing lake of lava.

  “I hope you don’t think it impertinent of me to say so, sir,” Kevin intoned. “But we love you, too.”

  Cal tore his eyes away from the screen and looked up. “Thanks, Kevin.”

  “Well, some of us,” Kevin said.

  Cal’s smile remained fixed in place. “Right. Good to know.”

  “Others, naming no names, not so much.”

  “Gotcha. Thanks again.”

  “Any time, sir.”

  As the Untitled punched through the atmosphere, Cal slapped his hands on his thighs. “OK. So, the most dangerous man in the universe is currently dangling beneath our ship. I think we’re all agreed we can’t leave him there indefinitely.”

  “You appear to have no problem with leaving me here indefinitely,” Mech’s voice said with a note of accusation. “If someone could be so kind as to adjust my dial, it would be tremendously appreciated.”

  Splurt hopped down from Cal’s lap and rolled over to Mech. With a twist of the control knob, Mech’s hydraulics clattered back into life. He sat up, his scowl returning. “Next time, how about you don’t make me have to ask?” he said, then he clambered back to his feet. “Oh, and by the way, shields are at zero per cent, and if you must know, I also occasionally push the map button. You’re welcome.”

  “Jesus. OK. Well, you know, good job, keep it up,” said Cal. “Now, about old Geronimo down there.”

  “Geronimus,” said Loren.

  “Yeah, that’s the one. So, I have an idea on how to deal with him.” He spun in his chair, taking a moment to fix on his most compelling, trustworthy smile. “But there’s a chance you might not approve.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  Cal, Loren, Miz and Mech all stood in a line, watching the sphere be loaded aboard an unmarked ship. They were on… a moon, Cal thought. Maybe a planet. Somewhere out of the way and boring, anyway, just as he’d instructed.

  He hadn’t expected the president herself to come. That was a nice touch. She stood with a few generals or Legates or whatever the fonk Zertex called them, observing the loading process.

  “For the record, I do not think this is a good idea,” Mech said. “Handing this guy over to Zertex? I don’t like it.”

  “What else were we supposed to do with him? Just drag him around with us like some kind of ship’s mascot?” Cal asked. “How would that have looked? ’Hi, we’re Space Team. What, this old thing? Oh, that’s the most dangerous man in the universe. We carry him around in a big ball for luck.’”

  “But Zertex, man. Fonking Zertex.”

  “Yeah, but new and improved Zertex,” Cal said. “The new president seems nice. I have a good feeling about her, and I’m an excellent judge of character.”

  The others all looked at him as one. “What about Dave?” Loren asked.

  “Exactly! Mech thought he was a bio-bot. I knew he wasn’t.”

  “He was evil, though,” Miz pointed out.

  “Those are just details,” Cal replied, waving a hand dismissively. “Besides, Zertex won’t want that guy to get free any more than we do.”

  Loren shrugged. “He’s right. It’s in everyone’s best interests if he stays locked away. Like it or not, Zertex is probably the best-placed to do that.”

  “Couldn’t we have, like, given him to the Symmorium?” Miz asked.

  Silence fell.

  “Now you fonking make that suggestion,” Cal said. “You couldn’t have said that three hours ago before we called Zertex?”

  He puffed out his cheeks, then watched as the sphere vanished inside the cargo bay of the ship. “It’ll be fine. It’s going to be fine.”

  “You can trust me, Mr Carver,” said President Valtrax, striding towards them. She was flanked by guards on both sides, but indicated for them to stay back as she drew closer. “I appreciate your concerns, I do, but I am not President Sinclair. My word is my bond, and I give you my word that the contents of that vault will remain safely hidden and locked away. No-one wants someone like that on the loose.”

  “Exactly. Couldn’t agree more,” Cal said. “Appreciate the help on this one.”

  Valtrax nodded. “Of course. It is my pleasure,” she said. “I will contact you when we wish you to repay the favor.”

  “Right,” said Cal. “Well, I guess it’s time we… Wait. What?”

  “What favor?” asked Loren.

  The president looked momentarily puzzled. “Taking care of your problem. The resources required will be considerable.”

  “No, but you said you wanted to repay us,” Cal reminded her. “For the whole saving the universe and-or exposing Sinclair thing.”

  “And we did,” said Valtrax. “You wanted an adjustment made to the censorship functionality of our translation chips. The adjustment was made. You said yourself, that made us even. You, if I remember your phrasing correctly, called it ‘quits’.”

  She gestured back towards the ship. “This? This is the beginning of a new deal. We do you a favor, and one day shall expect a favor of you in return. That’s how friendships work.”

  “I’m pretty sure it isn’t,” said Cal.

  “Hey, now, wait a minute…” Mech began.

  “Relax, Mr Disselpoof,” Valtrax said. “It may never happen. And if it does… well, we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

  She smiled efficiently. “For now, a galactic-level threat has been averted. That’s all that matters.”

  “Thanks to us,” Miz pointed out.

  “Yes. Us,” the president agreed. “We really do make rat
her a good team.”

  She about-turned crisply. “You’ll be hearing from me in due course,” she said, then she beckoned her guards to her side and they marched, together, into the ship.

  “What the hell just happened?” Loren asked. “We just stopped the bad guy. How are we now beholden to Zertex?”

  “Yeah. That absolutely backfired,” Cal admitted.

  “Totally should’ve gone to the Symmorium,” Miz muttered.

  “Again, useful suggestion three hours ago,” Cal said. He sighed heavily, squeezed the bridge of his nose between finger and thumb, then shrugged. “Ah, fonk it, we’ll just block her number. It’ll be fine. The main thing is, we stopped the bad guy. Right?”

  “Right,” said Loren.

  “I guess,” Miz grunted. “I can’t believe that psycho was going to free Geronimus Krone.”

  “I can’t believe there’s actually a Geronimus Krone,” Loren said.

  Mech nodded. “And he would’ve gotten away with it, too…”

  Cal laughed. It exploded out of him unexpectedly, taking with it that nagging feeling of empty dread that had been dragging him down since Earth.

  “What?” Mech asked. “Why are you laughing? What’s so funny?”

  “Nothing, doesn’t matter,” said Cal. “Now come on, you pesky kids.”

  He gestured upwards to the dark abyss of space. “Let’s go team the shizz out of that thing.”

  They had barely gone three paces in the direction of the ship when Loren went and spoiled the moment.

  “What does that even mean?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. It sounded better in my head,” Cal admitted. He looked ahead to the Untitled, and to the vast universe of possibility that lay beyond. He might be a lone Earthman, but at least he wasn’t an alone one.

  He rubbed his hands together and made for the ramp. “Now,” he said, grinning hopefully. “Monopoly, anyone?”

  * * *

  Far away, near the fringes of the galaxy, a lone ship sliced through space, moving much faster than its clunky shape and peeling paintwork would suggest possible. A grinning green clown stared out from the side of the hull, a single word emblazoned beneath it: Funworld.

  Aboard, behind the controls, the only other Earthman alive rocked gently in his chair, humming the theme to The Addams Family beneath his breath.