Selected

by Barb Han

  “Why would I leave after the council has been so good to me?” I oversell. It sickens me, but it’s necessary. She has no idea what’s going on in my mind.

  I’m searching my brain to figure out what Plankton means, other than that my brother is okay. The word must be an attempt to get a message to me, and I have to think he’s out there somewhere, alive. I have no idea about my mother, but I can’t let myself imagine that she’s gone. I will take off to find my family, but not without talking to my boyfriend first. There’s no way I can reach out to him. Maybe tonight I’ll go to the hill because it’s the only place I think I’ll be able to breathe.

  “That’s a mature attitude, Victoria.” She plants her hands on the table between us.

  “I do have a question, though. How do you know my brother set the fire, and how do you know it was him in the house?” The last time I’d seen Trevor in person he’d been fourteen years old. It had been longer than that since he’d really spoken to me. I remember what he’d said the night before I left for Easton. He’d warned me not to sign up for a program that made promises no one was 100 percent certain the council would deliver on.

  My brain can’t accept that he’d start a fire. Then again, a lot can change in three years; a lot has changed for me.

  “We have DNA evidence that identifies your brother’s body,” Snyder says firmly.

  I break down crying at hearing those words. It can’t be true. I’m a twin. I would know something was wrong. I would’ve felt something if my brother had died. But I don’t have to believe her for the sobs to come. “There must be a misunderstanding. I mean, maybe his DNA is on someone else’s body and the two got mixed up. That can happen, right?”

  “On behalf of the council, we’re sorry for your loss,” is all Snyder says in response.

  I still don’t believe her, and she knows it.

  “Death can be difficult to accept,” she says after a long pause. “Headmaster Davidson is aware of the situation. Feel free to go to him at any time.”

  “I will,” I lie. I pull out all the stops because I have to be convincing. “The news caught me off guard. That’s all. I’ll be fine.”

  “We know you will, and the council appreciates your loyalty, Victoria. Without loyalty, we have nothing. Our lives, our independence, our nation would crumble,” she says.

  Can’t be a very strong nation if it only takes one person to bring it down, I think, but I don’t dare say it out loud.

  There’s something else that bugs me. Snyder was the one who created this program. Why? She doesn’t exactly strike me as the type to randomly help others without an agenda. She can’t possibly want to help the poor.

  And then something else dawns. Hot oil burns inside my insides. “You mentioned earlier that you’ve been waiting to tell me this news. How long have you known?”

  Eleanor Chaffee looks at Snyder, who nods.

  “It happened two days before your birthday.”

  Chapter Ten

  All I can think of is Jax. How different he’s been acting since around the time of my birthday. Was he trying to tell me? Is this what the message he’d sent me was all about? A raging wildfire burns in my chest, and I want to scream.

  Frustration nails me. I have to go. I need to walk it off or something. I’m ready to ask if I can leave, but something tells me not to. Intuition?

  “I know this is…difficult,” Snyder says. “And news like this can be devastating. You’re welcome to extra sessions with Dr. Sara. Summer might be a good time to work on moving on with your life and getting ready for the next stage. Next year is your last at Easton, and there’s a lot to do to prepare for college.”

  In the midst of all this craziness, it barely registers that I’m a senior. I should be jumping for joy. Graduation, college are the last things on my mind right now. “I was literally thinking the same thing.”

  I’m a little taller than Snyder even with her pumps on. I look her right in the eye to be more convincing. “Time to cut ties altogether with the past. My family would’ve dragged me down anyway. I can see how important it is to use the education I’ve been given. Thank you—you and the council—for this opportunity. I have no plans to let it go to waste.”

  Her face muscles relax enough for me to see that she believes me. “That’s good to hear, Victoria. You’re a smart girl, and I’m very proud of your attitude.”

  I fake a smile despite the way I’m dying inside. I’m good at covering my true emotions because I’ve been doing just that ever since I arrived at Easton, and it’s better if she doesn’t suspect that I’m planning anything.

  “We’d like you to take a look at the last video card sent from your mother,” Snyder says. “You have your device?”

  I nod and then tug at the corners of my AllinOne until the screen is large enough for everyone to see.

  “I’m not even sure where I put it.” Another lie. But I’m good at them now. “Might be in this folder.” I click on the file named Keepers, where I keep research for papers. The video card isn’t in there. I’m stalling for time and playing dumb. “No. Huh. That’s weird. I don’t see it here. Let’s see…”

  Snyder shifts her weight from one leg to another, a sign of impatience. The true reason she’s here is to gauge my reaction to the news about my mother and brother, to get a sense if I’m going to leave and ruin her pet program. Plankton is the only thing making me hold it together.

  I move my finger over another folder, this one named Extra Stuff, and click. Halfway down the screen is the video card they’re looking for.

  “There,” Snyder says with a little too much enthusiasm as she points at the video clip. She’s a little too eager to witness my reaction to the video.

  “Right.” I open the video card, and my heart drops at seeing my mother’s face. I keep stuffing my emotions down deep and focus on breathing normally. I’m gutted, but I have to be convincing.

  There’s my mom, smiling, waving, telling me that she loves me. Seeing her again nearly rips my heart out. My mother always was a terrible liar. There are stress lines around her eyes. I should’ve known that she was lying before when she said everything was fine.

  But then, maybe she was covering for Trevor, giving him more time. Mom is going on about how good the council is being to them. About the food they’re eating and how they never want for anything. They’re wearing good clothes, too. Not the stuff we used to wear before I was Selected. We were lucky to have hand-me-downs from others. People shared clothes in Pexidition. They had to. There wasn’t much to go around, so we traded to survive, to find the things we needed.

  “Does anything stand out as unusual?” Snyder asks. I’m certain she’s already reviewed it. This whole setup is to see my reaction.

  I shake my head. I won’t be able to look at this again, so my full attention is on the screen. I can feel her eyes on me, staring.

  “I’m sorry. She seems normal to me.” Emotions clot in my throat but I don’t dare loosen my grip on my emotions. Inside, my chest is hollowed out. I feel numb and like none of what I’m hearing can be right. There’s a ringing noise in my ears, drowning out everything else. This can’t be right. I repeat the mantra a couple of times in my head. My body starts a low tremble, and it takes all my willpower to keep it from shaking. My breathing is shallow.

  She stares at me a moment too long. “All right, Victoria.”

  I shut down my device.

  Snyder waves her hand at me dismissively. “How is everything going here for you?”

  “Great.” My enthusiasm is forced, fake. She doesn’t notice.

  “I heard you dropped to seventh place this year,” she continues. I have no idea where she’s going with this.

  “That’s true. I was distracted before competition. It’s a temporary setback.” She of all people knows why, considering it was her fault. “My grades have never been stron
ger, though. I’m extremely focused academically, and I plan to find my focus in the studio, as well.”

  “Good.” She taps her fingers on the table. “That’s what I was hoping to hear. It’s important to excel. You were my first pick for this program, and so many other people’s futures are riding on what you accomplish here.”

  “I’ll do my best.” I smile at her, and it pretty much takes everything inside me to pull it off.

  “You’re dismissed,” she says. “But, Victoria. Be careful. You never know who might be watching.”

  “Okay.” I can feel both sets of eyes on me, and no one speaks, at least until I’m out of earshot. I could circle back to listen, but Snyder is right. There are eyes everywhere. Mrs. Chaffee has people keeping an eye on me all the time. She’s already sent a note about being in the Athletic Complex when I should’ve been in class. There’ve been other times, too. It weirds me out.

  As soon as I turn the corner toward my dorm, my body shakes, my legs give out, and I end up on the ground. I roll into a ball. I can’t afford to cry. Period. Water fills my eyes as I duck, chin to chest. Pulling on all the strength I have left, summoning all the anger I have toward Snyder and Mrs. Chaffee, I push up to standing and force myself to walk on shaky legs.

  I refuse to believe that my brother’s gone. I would’ve known. I’m not sure what happened to my mother. Is she safe? Is she somewhere with my brother? In hiding?

  I hold it together long enough to shut and lock the door behind me in my room.

  I fold over onto my bed, hug Clipper against my chest, and cry until my body is drained and there are no tears left. Caius won’t be here until tomorrow night. There’s no way I’m reaching out to Jax. I’m so angry with him that I’m afraid I’ll screw up and say something that I shouldn’t. He’s been hiding something from me. This? All of his actions point to something big. He didn’t get me that kitten for encouragement. It was out of guilt.

  He knew something, and he hid it from me. Adalynn isn’t allowed to speak to me anymore…

  And what if something did happen to my mother and Trevor and the council is covering it up? I move to my desk and take out the pointed stick that I carved using a butter knife I pinched from the cafeteria, and the tablet I made from leftover candle wax. Writing anything down is too risky, especially since they perform spot-checks every month, but I can have Caius hide it somewhere. He knows this place better than anyone. Or we can keep it in the graveyard among the catacombs.

  I write down everything that my mother said exactly the way I remember her saying it. I’m scared I’ll forget her words. She might have been sending me a message in the video, a code. I write down the words “skiing” and “Vermont.” Trevor wasn’t skiing, so those two words have to mean something.

  My brain hurts, and I can’t think straight anymore. I’ve cried until my throat is sore and my eyes are swollen. All I want now is a shower and sleep.

  After a shower, I curl up on my side and tuck Clipper against my chest. I try to sleep but can’t. If I don’t talk soon, I’ll burst.

  One more day.

  Caius is coming tomorrow.

  I hold onto that thought as I drift in and out over the next eight hours. I finally slip into a fitful sleep sometime after four thirty in the morning, and I wake up crying.

  Dragging myself out of bed, I force myself to go through the motions of my normal routine, even though it is like I’m swimming in a molasses pond. I’m in the cafeteria by seven thirty and the studio by eight. We have two weeks off before summer training starts. I always use that time to workout. I stretch and then go through last year’s routines, think about what I can do better. Not today, though. My mind is still spinning and my heart aches.

  I can barely focus and I’m grateful when it’s finally dark outside.

  That night, when I step into my room after a shower Caius is stretched out on my bed waiting. The minute I see him, the flood gates open. He takes me in his arms and says sweet soothing words of comfort into my hair.

  “I’m sorry,” I finally say. I can’t look up at him, so I keep my face buried in the crook of his neck.

  “What happened?”

  I tell him everything and then hand him the wax tablet that I made.

  “What is this?” He examines the writing.

  “A way to capture my thoughts without using that.” I point to my AllinOne.

  “This is smart, actually.” The hint of admiration in his voice sends warmth spiraling through me.

  “It was good enough for the Anglo-Saxons in the Dark Ages.”

  He sits up and looks at the wax tablet as I tell him everything about Jax.

  “He obviously knew. As much as it pains me to admit it, my guess is that he feels bad about not being able to say anything to you. That’s why he gave you the kitten for your birthday and can’t look you in the eyes anymore.”

  I’m sitting next to him. My head is resting on his shoulder as we both stare at the tablet.

  “I thought he was my friend,” I say, hurt.

  “He still is. I don’t like it, but he still is, Tori.”

  “Not the kind of friend I want.”

  I’m being selfish right now, but part of me doesn’t care. Part of me wants to lash out against Jax for hurting me.

  He repositions us and puts his arm around me. He kisses my shoulder and more warmth spreads through me.

  “Believe me, I understand how you feel. And I’d like nothing more than for Jax not to be part of your life. Right now, you’re hurt, and you don’t want anything to do with him. Once everything settles down, you won’t feel the same way.”

  I see red. All I can see is that my two so-called best friends have deserted me when I need them the most. “I’m not so sure.”

  “Trust me, Tori. You will.”

  I want to tell him that he’s the only one I trust right now. I focus on Trevor. “My brother has to be alive.” I wipe a random tear that spills down my cheek. I can’t even think about my mom. About losing her.

  “Okay.” He stares at the tablet. “And nothing stood out to you about the video clip?”

  “Not right now. I mean, I’ve been going over and over everything in my head and I can’t figure it out. There’s nothing different from the other clips other than my brother missing and my mother saying he’s skiing in Vermont. He doesn’t ski.”

  “If Councilwoman Snyder is involved, this is big.” Caius holds my hand and absently draws circles in my palm with his thumb.

  “I am part of her pet project,” I remind him. “If my family goes rogue that doesn’t exactly look good for her selection process, does it?”

  “Maybe a good question to ask ourselves is why does she want this program to succeed so much?” He stretches out long legs. “I mean, what’s in it for her?”

  “She takes over as lead council member next year. Maybe she doesn’t want to start off with a tarnished record.” It’s the first thing that pops into my head.

  “True. This program was controversial with most of our parents.” He backpaddles after hearing how that sounds. “Not to me. I love the fact that you’re here. You can’t imagine how boring it was when I spent summers here with other Legacies. Everyone’s a carbon copy of each other. For the guys, the only difference is how big of an asshole you are.”

  “Rhys seems to have secured the top spot there.”

  “Funny. We used to be friends when we were kids. He lives down the street from me,” he says.

  “Explains why he hates me so much.”

  “I guess he sees you as some kind of threat,” he says without blinking. “But we haven’t spoken to each other in a while.”

  I balk. “Does he know that?”

  “People like you threaten the whole system that he and other Legacies believe in. What if you rise to the top? What if you end up on the council? Everything might
change.”

  I sit straight up and gasp. “You don’t think that put my family at risk, do you? I mean, what if they went underground to escape? What if Legacy families decided to take matters in their own hands and my brother figured it out?” I might be grasping at straws here, but I don’t care. I have to believe my mother and brother are okay. I’ve never felt so empty and…orphaned.

  Caius’s jaw muscles clench. “It’s possible. Think the same thing might be happening to others?”

  “Talking to each other isn’t exactly encouraged,” I say. “You saw how we interact with each other in the cafeteria.”

  He shrugs. “I figured everyone wanted space.”

  “Yeah, I guess that’s true. But we have to fit into the general population, or we risk washing out of the program. Appearance is everything,” I say. It feels good to finally purge, to be able to talk about this with someone and especially him. Three years have been bottling up inside me until some days I felt like I would explode. “So I always put on a fake smile and pretend that none of this is real.”

  He frowns. “Some great opportunity they’ve given you.”

  “They gave my family food and clothes. Promised us a better life,” I say. They delivered, and now all I can think is at what cost?

  He puts his arm around my waist and shifts my position until I’m sitting with my back against his chest. He wraps his arms around me. Being with him like this is the only place I feel safe.

  Then, it dawns on me. How could Trevor have started a fire when he wasn’t even home?

  Chapter Eleven

  Caius’s long legs stretch out beside mine and the familiar flush of warmth moves through me. I lean my head back and I feel his hand moving my hair away from my neck where he kisses me.

  “If they suspect anything’s going on, we’ll have to go to extra sessions with Dr. Sara.” My mind is a haze with his lips against the nape of my neck.

  “They do that to you?”

  “That, and physicals,” I say. “But that’s normal for athletes.”