Inner Secrets

by Suzie Carr

  ~

  In the days that followed my friendly night run with Lucy, I dodged a call from PJ inviting me to dinner with her and Rachel. I listened to Reina drone on about how her family kept telling her she should continue onto medical school instead of settling on chef assistant at La Madame French Café and Bakery. Hana drove me freaking nuts with her flitting eyes bouncing on everything but me whenever we’d pass by each other. I wanted to scream, ‘It was just a dance!’ Ralph whined about all his pathetic clients who never listened to his advice. Adam, oh Adam, he rubbed me the wrong way with his constant need to make it known that he was a writer. He bragged about his sales, yet I knew the truth about his concerns.

  Then, Lucy herself.

  Oh Lucy. For three nights in a row, I fantasized about her. And on our freezing cold runs the mornings after, when she acted as though I was just another friend tacked onto the most recent span of her life, I pretended like I didn’t notice the alluring swing of her hips, the soft curve inward of her waist, and the tease of her long hair flirting with her sculpted back.

  On the third morning, the sun peeked out above the trees and the branches glistened from the morning dew. The mid-November temperature had climbed to forty-five degrees. We approached a small park in the center of our gated community. She veered off to a bench overlooking a small fountain where geese were enjoying a morning swim. “Let’s sit and enjoy this for a few minutes,” she said.

  We sat on the damp bench a mere half a foot from one another. The air smelled like a garden fresh cucumber. An old man stood across the pond and tossed bread at the geese. They quacked and flapped their wings, overjoyed by this simple, yet profound, gesture.

  “My sister came to visit the other day,” Lucy said. “She’s something else. Each time she makes an appearance, I get a little queasier. She’s got this habit of digging at me. It’s like she has to prove to me that she’s better.” Lucy squinted. “You know?”

  “Your sister sounds like a pain in the ass.”

  Lucy chuckled. “I love how you’re so bold.”

  “What did she do this time?”

  “My niece is so lost right now, and my sister refuses to acknowledge it’s more than teenaged angst.”

  “Why do you think she’s so lost?”

  “Julie fails to highlight her good points. Instead she focuses on all her negatives.”

  “What are some of her good points?”

  “I’ve never seen a person calm a crazy dog like Angie. My mother’s neighbor has this insane dog that barks at the wind when it blows too hard. She drives everyone crazy and scares the shit out of my mother. Well, Angie went out to throw away some garbage, and next thing you know, she’s on the other side of the fence, playing fetch with this dog. This happens with all dogs. They submit to her. My sister refuses to nurture this. Instead she throws her into ballet classes.”

  The old man across the pond stooped down and tried to hand feed a couple of geese to no avail. He rose and waved at us. I waved back, and asked Lucy, “Why do you think your sister ignores this side of her?”

  “She’s probably got some hidden fear of dogs. Dogs can sense auras.”

  “Fear is so useless.” I plucked up a stone from the ground and skimmed it across the pond. It bucked several times before disappearing into the algae.

  “I wish I was bolder like you so I could go up to her and speak my mind.” She folded her arms across her chest. “Of course, then I wouldn’t be able to sleep for weeks because I’d feel bad.”

  “You’re so afraid to tell people how it is. Sometimes people need that, even if it hurts.” I skimmed another rock to near perfection.

  “So starting a war is okay, you’re saying?”

  “No. That’s not what I’m saying at all. There’s an art behind confronting conflict. If you spin it in just the right way, you’ll gain the upper hand and still allow the other person to walk away with her pride in place.”

  She stared at me like I just rattled off a physics formula too intense and long to fit on a double blackboard. “I don’t want to gain an upper hand on her. I’d just like to be level.”

  This was what I loved about Lucy; this need to bring out the best in people rather than the worst. “Sometimes the only way she’ll see the light is if you throw her off balance by an inch or two.”

  “How?” she asked.

  I faced her. “Start with knowing what your goal is. So, in this case, you want your niece to indulge in what she loves, but for that to happen her mother needs to cooperate. So, your goal is to get your sister to view you as an ally and not a threat so she’ll really listen to what you have to say.”

  “She’s never viewed me as an ally. She really doesn’t like me.”

  “Why? Did you set her hair on fire when you were kids?”

  “I told on her and she’s never forgiven me for that.”

  Lucy was so sweet and innocent I wanted to squeeze her. Instead, I reached for her hand and caressed it. “So, you’re a tattle tale?”

  “Yup,” she said. “When we were kids, my mom adored Julie and all her talents. She played the flute better than I did. She sang prettier than I did. Her hair didn’t knot up like mine did. She baked better than I did. She flattered my mom better than I did. I stood in her shadow and never measured up. Julie could do no wrong in my mother’s eyes.”

  “But she did,” she continued. “She stole coins from my mom’s jar. She snuck in and sprayed herself with my mom’s expensive perfume before school. She broke my mom’s favorite glass elephant. She skipped school and would hang out in our attic and smoke weed. And she would blame me for all of this, and my mom would believe her. I didn’t bother to defend myself, because Julie always threatened that the day I did that would be the day she’d do something really bad and blame me.

  Then one day, I wised up. I started filming her screwing up with things that I was constantly being blamed for like the smoking in the attic and eating all the snacks in our cupboards. Then, after Julie accidentally busted one of my mother’s prized vases and blamed me again, I brought out the proof and finally showed my mother how my sister had been dumping on me for her mistakes all along. It was the first and only time I’ve ever stood up to my sister. The tables turned pretty abruptly. To this day, my mother can’t trust her own daughter. And Julie’s never forgiven me, although she pretends to be above it all I think to show she’s in total control. And, I suppose I’ve never forgiven myself for taking all of my mother’s love.”

  I sank back and blanketed my forehead with my hands. “Wow. That explains a lot.”

  “My sister needs attention more than I ever will. I took that away from her.”

  I reached out and traced her cheek with the back of my hand. “Saving face isn’t always the solution.”

  “It’s what I do.” She cupped her hand over mine and together we comforted her cheek.

  “You’re too sweet.” My eyes drifted down to her pink moist lips. She licked them, pulling her bottom one in and biting it slightly. I twitched a little on that.

  “Are we still talking about conflict here?” she asked.

  I stole away from her lips and landed back on her sparkling eyes. In my peripheral view, I saw the old guy still wading by the pond’s edge feeding those darn geese like he was their caretaker for crying out loud. “We don’t have to talk about anything.”

  “What’s it like?” she asked, pulling me back to her, hooking her eyes onto mine.

  “What?” The air circled around us like a whirlpool, pulling me into its teasing vortex. My self-control slipped along with everything real, everything physical, and everything that wasn’t soft, creamy and shimmering.

  “What’s it feel like to kiss a girl?”

  Forgetting all time and place, forgoing words to describe what could only be understood through experience, I did what I had ached to do since I stole glances at her in her cubicle back when we had first met. I closed my eyes, and slowly, gently, moved my face towards hers, stopping within
a millimeter of her lips. Our breaths mingled. And that’s when I did it. I landed on her lips. I kissed her, softly, lingeringly, and lovingly. With delicate passes, I breathed in her warm spirit, sharing this slice of time as if it was ours to share.

  She pulled away first and moistened her lips again, this time with more gusto, as if with a more defined goal to never forget the taste. “Kissing Adam will never be the same again.”

  I kissed her soft, shimmering lips again, swept up in a current too strong to ignore. “Then don’t.”

  She kissed me back, with more intensity, more passion. She showered me with another sultry sweep of her lips against mine. Then, “I don’t do this. I’m not a cheater.”

  I wanted her to cheat.

  I wanted her to tell me right then and there that she’d break up with Adam and change her life completely for me; that I’d no longer have to face the unknown alone, fantasizing in my bedroom late into the night about what she’d feel like in my arms; and that I’d never have to deal with dating strangers I didn’t care to get to know. I just wanted her.

  I pulled back and recognized the confusion stained across her eyes like a bruise. I ached knowing I put it there. “You’re not cheating. It was just a kiss.”

  “Yes,” she reasoned. “Just a lovely kiss.” She stood, and stretched like we’d just had a long conversation about work and school and everything normal. “And, I thank you, my friend, for doing that for me.”

  Rising up to the platonic challenge, I honed in on the ordinary, on the man across the pond still bent down hand feeding the geese, and on the dirt crunching beneath my sneakers. “Anytime, my friend.”

  We gazed ahead and broke back into a light jog.

  In the days that followed, she talked endlessly about her teaching kinks and about how much better things were getting between Adam and her ever since our chat about conflict and saving face.

  She never once mentioned our kiss.

  ~

  After our kiss, Lucy turned ultra-friendly and buddy-like with me. She talked about Adam constantly; about how he had been paying more attention to her because she started to pay more attention to him. She talked about this new chemistry as if it was something new to the dynamic of human relationships. She obviously overstepped a boundary of hers by kissing me. And, I definitely didn’t want to go there and be that girl who got in the way. God knew I had enough karma mishap for one lifetime. So, I carried on about my days and nights as if we were just roommates who liked to run together. We chatted about innocuous subjects like how the ice would soon be forming, and how Thanksgiving was just a few weeks away, and how funny it was that they moved the daylight savings time back to November now.

  I was stuck in the muck and in dire need of a lifesaver.

  I arrived home from work one night and Lucy, Adam, and Reina were hanging out on the couch watching “Law and Order.” Lucy’s leg was draped on top of Adam, and he didn’t seem to notice. He was wrapped up in reading his manuscript. His face contorted into a serious frown.

  Reina popped up and, as customary whenever she wasn’t wearing two or three layers, propped a pillow on her belly. “I’ve got some good news.”

  “You made lentils?” I shook my jacket off and hung it on the edge of the recliner. I plopped down, exhausted from the commute and the jerk who cursed at me because I accidentally swerved in his lane to avoid a plank of wood in the middle of mine.

  “You keep trying to get those lentils on Wednesdays,” she said in her Indian accent. “But, no matter how many times you try, it’s never going to happen. Lentils are a weekend treat. Tonight’s BLTs.”

  As hard as I tried, I couldn’t help my eyes from grazing over Lucy’s draped leg. Her skin shimmered and her calves were toned to perfection. She watched me. I could feel her eyes on me. I pulsed to life.

  “Do you want to know the good news or not?” Reina’s voice rose and fell in sing-song fashion.

  “Sure.” I grazed Lucy’s curves, then looked to Adam who was reading his draft, red pen in hand, papers crinkling under the weight of his heavy fingers. He acknowledged me with a curt nod and a half smile.

  Reina cleared her throat as if she was about to announce news that would save the world from ecological demise. “I’ve got you a date.” She folded her hands on her lap and stared at me with the adoring pride of a mother viewing her daughter on prom night.

  My face burned, scalded in curiosity and fear of the unknown beast that might appear at my doorstep. “No,” I groaned. “I don’t know.”

  “You can’t do that,” Reina said. “That’s not allowed. You already told me that if I found you a date, you’d go.”

  “That was two months ago.”

  “Even more reason you can’t back out of this. I had to pull many strings.”

  I wasn’t ready to get out there and date real women with real potential to be my real girlfriend. I wasn’t interested in anyone else. “What if doesn’t work? Then, it’ll be awkward for you.”

  “Oh come on.” She danced when she talked, swinging her arms wildly around the pillow on her lap. “She’s really cute, and she’s a med student. She’s been out for years and broke it off with a long-time girlfriend several months ago when she embarrassed her at a charity event by getting too drunk and making a fool of herself on the dance floor. She’s normal. Not some flake.”

  I locked eyes with Lucy, searching for her pulse on this. “What do you think?”

  She swallowed and sparred her fingers together in a mad match, tapping, flicking, and circling them in a frenzy. “What do I think?”

  “Why is this even a question?” Reina jumped to her feet. “Look at you. You’re a lonely fresh out of the closet lesbian who spends all of her time running or working. These are your best years right now. What are you waiting for? Until your hair turns gray and your skin starts to sag? The opportunity is right in front of you. Why the heck would you waste it? Not everyone gets your looks, your outgoing personality, or your aura. You’re just going to waste it on us, here?”

  I felt every struggle, stressor, and doubt she undoubtedly spent years burying. This poor girl needed a date herself. Not me. “What about you?” I asked. “The same is true for you.”

  “I already told you that I don’t date. One day, my family will want the pleasure of finding me my husband when they start their talks in India. They’re just too busy with their business right now to make the trip. But, when they do, I won’t rob them of that dream. But you, you don’t live by my customs. You need to get out there and find this person yourself by saying yes when I find you someone who is not only smoking hot, but really smart.” Reina’s temples pulsed and her skin broke out into a checkered rash along her hairline and her arms.

  Lucy jumped in to protect her. “Hope, you should go.”

  “Yes,” Reina said. “You really need to. I went out on a limb to set this up.”

  You should go, she said. The matter-of-fact tone, the relaxed face, the intense grip on Adam’s free arm, all blocked off my access, warning me I’d better get a life of my own or else suffer inconsequential moments of supreme loneliness that she’d no longer be able to solve for me.

  I darted my eyes back and forth from Reina to Lucy to Adam feeling rather foolish for making such a big deal out of a stupid date. “Fine, set the freaking thing up.”

  Lucy fidgeted and stole her hand back. “You’ll probably have a great time. Maybe she’ll even be the one. And if not, maybe you’ll meet a new friend.”

  I felt clobbered like she wanted me to find someone fast so I wouldn’t ever be tempted to hurdle myself over the great thick border that separated us again. “Maybe that’s exactly what I need.” I felt angry, bitter.

  She exhaled, struggling. “Yes, I couldn’t agree more.”

  What the fuck was happening here? The pleasant comfort we’d sewn up over the past two months unraveled in a matter of seconds. Her unleashing me into the wild like this told me one thing. I needed to get past these ridiculous feelings
towards her and start focusing on a life I was free to live. “Fine,” I said to Reina. “Set it up as soon as you can.”

  Adam sat back with a grin on his face analyzing us, probably conjuring up material for his next scene.

  LUCY

  The days leading up to Hope’s blind date killed me. She acted all excited whenever she talked about it. She was taking her date to an Indian restaurant. They would eat, then go for a walk on the Lake in Columbia. A band would be playing on the waterfront and she planned to bring some wine for later. This date was just what she needed. Yup, that’s what she told me when she walked down the stairs looking like she had just stepped off the set of a Hollywood blockbuster movie.

  So, to save my face a little, I bragged about how Adam was going to take me out that night for sushi and how he might even take me dancing after that. Of course none of this was true, but I couldn’t stand to hear her carry on about her fun night ahead, rubbing it in like salt crystals to an open wound, mocking me for being forced into agreeing that this was exactly what she needed.

  I was a jealous fool and had a really bad feeling about the whole thing.

  When she walked out the door, I immediately went up to our room and begged Adam to take me out for sushi.

  “I’m not in the mood to deal with the crowds on a Friday night, hon. Ralph said he got enough takeout for us if we wanted. Let’s just eat that.”

  I stormed out of our room. Two minutes later, I propped on the stool in front of the breakfast bar and ate cold fried rice straight from the carton. I stabbed the rice and shoveled it in my mouth, angry at the world for turning me into a silent dud.

  The day I came home from kissing Hope, I vowed to myself that I’d confront him the next time he pissed me off. Yeah, that went well. Right away, he had asked me to have lunch with his mother the following weekend and I told him I didn’t feel like it without him being there. He insisted. Instead of fighting him on the issue, I caved and agreed.