Inner Secrets

by Suzie Carr

  We arrived at her car and she moved in to kiss me. I offered her my cheek. She kissed it and her lips softened on my skin. “Seven o’clock next Saturday night?” she asked.

  I pulled away and smiled. “Seven o’clock is perfect. I’ll text you my address.”

  A few minutes later, I arrived at my car. I drove down the street and was following a slower vehicle preparing to make a right hand turn, when Nadeen drove by. She was smoking a freaking cigarette.

  ~

  The next morning I ran into Lucy. She wore a pair of light blue tights that accentuated her beautiful butt.

  “How was the date?” she asked.

  “It was good.”

  “Are you going to see her again?

  “Yes. Next weekend.”

  “Oh,” she said, “that’s good. I’m glad it went well.”

  This strange undertow between us was ripping me apart. “Are you going for a run?”

  “I am,” she said. “It’s fifty degrees outside so I was going to run outside. Care to join me?”

  I needed this more than water. “I’d love to.”

  Within a few minutes, I came downstairs dressed and ready to embark on a refreshing run with Lucy. We stepped outside, and the fresh air wrapped itself around me like a cool compress on a hot fever. The air smelled like a watermelon, fresh and full of health.

  We ran our first three miles without talking, just breathing in and out relaxed, comforted in a stride that felt just right. About this time, I decided to ask her. “So, how is everything going with Adam? You guys seem happier than ever.”

  “Oh, we are.” She chimed like a wind up ballerina. “Things are better than ever. I even started reading his first novel again.”

  I couldn’t take this fake shit any longer. I stopped running. “I need to get something off my chest.”

  Lucy opened her eyes real wide; her chest rose and fell rapidly. “Okay.”

  “Things aren’t real between us and I can’t stand it. You don’t have to pretend to be this happy-go-lucky girl every second of the day.”

  “But, I am happy.”

  “No, Lucy, you’re not. Admit it so we can just move on and be real with each other.”

  “This is me being real. The other me, that wasn’t me. That was some other girl who just appeared one day.”

  “Real is being true. And you’re not being that.”

  “I’m sure I could say the same is true of you.” She stared me down.

  “You want me to be real? I’ll show you real.” I finally tossed out what I’d wanted to get off my chest for three months. “I cheated on Ryan.” I backed away from her. “I took my marriage and shit all over it with Nadeen and another girl. How’s that for fucking real?”

  “Nadeen?” She cried this out.

  “Yup. I met her in a club, and we fucked each other. Then, she snorted a line of cocaine and that ended my first romp with a woman. I opened Pandora’s Box and couldn’t put the lid back down. So, in my euphoric high, I sought her out again, but found a girl named Isabella instead. She enjoyed an open marriage. Perfect for me because that meant no threat of her needing more than I could give. Two months later, Ryan caught us in our bed. I destroyed my character, my integrity, everything I had believed to be virtuous. I destroyed all of this because I was too afraid to come clean to him and stand up for who I really was. If I had just been honest, I could’ve saved myself a whole lot of heartbreak and guilt. And, because I wasn’t honest, I’ll never deserve someone to love me the way that man loved me ever again.” I bent over and exhaled before meeting her stunned eyes. “That’s the real me.”

  “Oh my God.” Lucy’s mouth hung open. Her hand immediately caressed my forearm. “Why would you confess all of this to me now?”

  “To prove to you that it feels great to be real. No more secrets. I don’t want anything fake between us. Just because we can’t be lovers, doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. But to be friends, we need to be real. This is me. Take it or leave it.”

  “Hope,” she rubbed my arm. “Why did you go out with her again if she snorts cocaine?”

  “She doesn’t anymore.”

  Lucy twisted her mouth. “Just be careful. You deserve to be loved by someone special.” The glow in Lucy’s face returned, pristine and pink. “That’s what’s real here.”

  “I’m sure one day I will feel deserving.” I wanted to get off of me and back to her. “What’s real is you’re afraid to be the real Lucy with me because you’re terrified of who you are when you’re with me. You’re afraid of us. But, you don’t have to be. Not anymore. If what you want is to be with Adam, then I respect that and will never cross that line again. But please, just be real with me.”

  “You want me to be real?” she asked. “Okay, I’ve got something I want to confess to you.”

  “Go ahead. You can tell me anything. That’s what friends do.”

  “Okay,” she said. “Last night, I walked by your bedroom door and...”

  “Go on,” I urged her.

  She exhaled and tilted her head back. “This is hard for me. I hate conflict. I hate ruffling feathers. I hate anything that isn’t fixable.”

  “Did you steal some of my underwear?” I giggled at this.

  She didn’t.

  “Seriously, tell me what’s going on in your head. Get it out. It feels great.”

  “I opened your door and…,” she hesitated, pulled in her bottom lip, “I went inside your room.” She stared down at the ground and hung in silence for a good twenty seconds.

  I didn’t push. I waited for her to come clean.

  “I stood there and thought of you on your date,” she rushed the words out now. “I was jealous of Nadeen. I didn’t want you to like her because she was too perfect. But, I know this is silly because I’m with Adam and it shouldn’t matter that you’re with Nadeen or any other hot girl. You deserve to be with someone who can be with you.”

  I cradled her arm, careful to keep up a platonic vibe under the duress of my desire. “See? Was that so hard?”

  “Very.”

  “I understand how you feel and I am flattered.”

  Her shoulders relaxed. Her face softened. A smile surfaced. “You know, I do feel better shedding that info to you. Getting it out in the open doesn’t make it feel so heavy.”

  “That’s because you did nothing wrong. You’re a good person, Lucy. Don’t ever doubt that.”

  “So are you, Hope.”

  “Well, I’ve got a lot of making up to do with karma before I can believe that. But, I’m working on it.”

  “So, you’re not angry with me for going into your room?”

  “Truthfully?”

  “Give it to me straight.”

  “I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that I was flattered.”

  “Well, I’m glad I told you then.”

  “Come on, let’s finish this run, my friend.”

  And on we jogged for another mile in comfortable silence.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Hope passed by my room earlier and told me she accepted another date with Nadeen.

  A few hours later, I sat sandwiched between Adam and Ralph’s kids chomping on popcorn, watching the Shawshank Redemption. Ralph reclined in the leather chair next to us and sucked on an energy drink, instead. I usually adored this movie and wanted it to last forever, but not that night. I didn’t want anything to last forever that night. I wanted that second hand to zoom round and round the clock at lightning speed because then, and only then, would the night end and I could rest assure that Hope was not out screwing that cocaine-snorting bitch Nadeen.

  Why would she choose to date her again? Why did she have to dress in those hip-hugging jeans and fitted black tee? Why did she wear her push-up bra? And why on earth would I care so much? We were friends. I decided on that. I called the shots. I chose Adam. This was my doing. I dug out the hole, poured the concrete, laid the first steel beam, and built the wall to this label for our relationship, this
structure. I built a fortress for me and Adam, leaving Hope no choice but to take off on her flimsy raft and circle the waters fishing for life.

  There I was, propped up by a series of pillows amongst a room of people clueless to my struggle of staying focused. I felt like Morgan Freeman, confined to jail. I tossed a piece of buttered popcorn in my mouth and munched on it slowly, rolling it around my tongue, wishing it was Hope’s sweet breath twirling around in there.

  “You okay?” Adam asked. “You’re fidgeting.”

  I hugged one of the pillows to my chest. “I’m just thinking about the class I’m teaching in the morning. I’m thinking I should go do some planning for it. I’ve got a ton to get through with them.”

  Adam patted my shoulder. “I could definitely use some writing time.” He stood up and handed the remote to Ralph. “It’s all yours.”

  Mid bite into his apple, he reached out for it. “You two love birds have fun.”

  We two love birds entered our master suite and ventured to opposite ends. I sat in bed with my lesson planning notes in front of me and he fixed himself in his fifteen-minute headstand ritual across the room.

  I thought of her journal again, sitting lonely on her nightstand, bubbling with explanation for why she might be tormenting me. I needed its fix of words about tonight’s date.

  I had never been addicted to anything. I could walk away from wine, from a slot machine, and from a pill bottle filled with euphoria inducing drugs. But, I couldn’t walk away from that journal.

  I imagined myself sitting in a circle of strangers, each hanging our heads low in shame, introducing ourselves and admitting our ugly faults. ‘Hi, my name is Lucy Hastings, and I am a journal-reading addict. I am too afraid to ask the truth, so I sneak around and steal the truth instead. Keep your passwords hidden and your journals locked. I cannot be trusted. It is an illness that suddenly struck me. I fell victim to it in one innocent reading. That’s all it took. One hit, and I was hooked.’

  ~

  Adam’s party was fast approaching and so I invited my party planning committee out to eat. Reina suggested an Indian restaurant. I sat next to her in a booth at Curry and Kabobs. Hope and Hana sat across from us.

  “How are you going to get him to the hall?” Hana asked.

  “That’s easy,” I said. “Right after the 10K, Hope will drive us to the hall. We’ll tell him there’s a spaghetti and meatball dinner for runners. He’ll be our prisoner for the day.”

  We ordered our food. I opted for chicken curry. Reina ordered some lentil dish that had four chili pepper signals next to it. Hope and Hana both ordered vegetarian noodle dishes. We drank tall Indian beers and got off the subject of Adam’s party when Reina brought up Hope’s dating situation.

  Reina drilled Hope about this new girl she dated twice now. “So, is she the one?”

  “What?” Hope choked down part of her roti. “It’s been two dates.”

  “Well I don’t know the custom number of dates it takes to decide on such a priority,” Reina said.

  “It’s not like there’s a formula.” Hope sipped her beer right from the can. Her eyes sparkled under the golden lights.

  I gulped another mouthful of beer, too, and boldly leapt off the edge of reason with an opinion. “I’m surprised you went out with her again.”

  Hope arched her eyes at me. “And, I’m surprised you brought it up here.”

  “Well, it seems like a legitimate opinion.” I was feeling punchy. She’d been so tight-lipped about it since the bitch dropped her back home four nights before.

  “Perhaps,” Hope bore into me. “And maybe one we can talk about later.”

  “What’s going on here?” Reina asked, her Indian accent more pronounced than usual.

  Hana sunk back against the booth, wriggling like a snake shedding her skin, opting for a swig of water over the untouched beer in front of her.

  “So, I take it you had a good time?” I asked, unrelenting now thanks to strong Indian beer.

  “Yes. I actually did. She took me to see ‘The Lion King’ at the Hippodrome Theatre. I love ‘The Lion King.’ I couldn’t pass it up.”

  “I loved that movie,” Hana said. “Was it a good show?”

  Hope rose to the question. “It was incredible. She scored front row tickets.” She looked across at me. “I seriously couldn’t pass that up.”

  “I say you should bring her over for dinner next,” Reina offered. “I’ll cook and we’ll play charades again.”

  “I don’t think she’s the charades type,” Hope said.

  The waiter came and delivered our entrees. “So, seriously,” I said as the waiter placed my chicken curry in front of me. “You really had a good time?”

  “What part are you not hearing?” Reina asked.

  This asking for clarity wasn’t working too well for me. Reading her journal simplified our relationship. No argument. No insinuation. No ugly jealousy. I read. I absorbed. I carried on with my life. Simple. Doing this the right way, the honest way, created too much havoc. Now Hope was defending herself and I portrayed myself as an insecure fool with nothing better going on in life. And Reina stared at the two of us like we were hiding something from her.

  “I just want you to be happy,” I said.

  “Come on, admit it,” Hope said, leaning in across the table, a flirt playing out on her face for all to see. “You’re really a closeted lesbian who’s just dying to push that wench out of the way so you can tackle me with all that sexual prowess you’ve got buried deep inside.”

  Reina and Hana laughed out loud. I sat so stunned, the room spun. And then, Hope reached out and grabbed my hand and started a mad dash up my forearm with a series of fast and overly exaggerated kisses. “Impossible to resist, isn’t it?”

  The two girls continued laughing, and the more exaggerated Hope’s kisses grew, the louder their giggles grew, until finally the tickle from her lips proved too much and I busted out laughing, too. Leave it to Hope to clear the fog from the sky and fill it with her bright sunshine.

  After the laughter cleared, so, too, did the awkward vibe between Hope and me. When the girls were talking about Hana’s project with her classroom, Hope and I exchanged a sweet, knowing smile. Then, I felt Hope’s foot against my own. I reciprocated with a mild brush of mine against hers. Then, we started dueling, sword fighting with our shoes until we broke out into another series of giggles. This time Hana and Reina just stared at us like we were a couple of buffoons hyped up on Indian beer.

  “I think I need to tinkle.” I slid out of the booth.

  “Me, too,” Hope said, rising.

  I led the way. I entered the one room stall and Hope followed. She locked us in together and asked me point blank, “Are you jealous?”

  Our talk from the other day circled around. “I know it’s weird. What right do I have being jealous? I’m with Adam. You are free to date anyone. But her?”

  “She assured me the cocaine was a one-time deal.”

  “Did you kiss her?”

  She sighed and looked up at the weathered ceiling tiles. “Yes. And, that’s all I am going to say.”

  My heart ripped at the thought of her making love to this cute girl with the sexy dreads. “I suppose it’s really none of my business. But if I’m keeping it real, I am jealous.”

  “You just keep flattering me. You keep this up and I’m liable to crack.” She turned to leave. “Just warning you.” She winked and left.

  Soon after, we relaxed into our plates of food. We talked about school and work and running. Then, we landed back on dating when Hope asked Reina, “So, what kind of guy is your type?”

  “I don’t date. I already told you that.”

  “That’s only because you’re afraid,” Hope said, stirring her noodles and forking a mouthful between her lips. “Don’t you think so, girls?”

  We both agreed.

  “I’m just not interested.”

  “I don’t believe you,” Hope said.

  “Maybe
I’m gay, too,” Reina said. “I mean, how would I know? It’s not like I’ve ever had sex to know for sure.”

  “You’re not,” Hope said. “If you were, my gaydar would be going off like crazy.”

  “Does that really happen?”

  “Oh, I can tell.” Hope gathered up another forkful of noodles and gazed back over at me lazily as she placed them in her mouth.

  I flittered like a butterfly.

  “What do you like most in a girl?” Reina asked.

  “I like it when a girl does something bold and out of the norm just for the fun of it all.”

  “Is that how Nadeen is?” Hana asked.

  “She’s definitely free-spirited. Everything’s a surprise with her.”

  I hated Nadeen.

  “I’ve never met anyone like that,” Reina said.

  “Do you think your parents will find you someone interesting?” Hope asked.

  Reina swallowed and wiped her mouth on the napkin. After clearing her throat, she spoke, “I’ve got a confession.” She sipped her beer, a pregnant pause stretched out in front of us. “There is no arranged marriage. My parents are not going to be searching for my mate. I made that up. We don’t do that anymore.”

  “Why did you lie to us about that?” I asked.

  “I am twenty-eight-years-old and have never been kissed by anyone before. I highly doubt it’ll ever happen now.” She hung her head and toyed with her lentils.

  I placed my hand on her shoulder to make her feel less vulnerable. “You’re going to let something as silly as a kiss keep you from experiencing love?”

  “Who wants to be with someone who’s never kissed another human being before?” Pain etched all over her face.

  My heart cried for her. “It’s just a kiss.”

  “It’s more than a kiss. It’s a whole psychological mishap in my life. A long time ago, there was a boy who wanted to kiss me. He was so close to putting his lips on mine and I backed away just as he was about to land. He walked away disgusted calling me all sorts of horrible things. Trust me; I’m a freak because of this. I’m okay with that because the fewer things to distract me from my true love in life, my cooking, the better.”