Secretly More

by Lux Zakari

  “You’re a real Nancy Drew.” Kimber took a gulp of wine, trying to calm the nerves that had suddenly frazzled at the reminder of her boyfriend’s undependability.

  Ferney slapped her palm on the tabletop. “I think tomorrow should be the final test. If he doesn’t show up to help you lug your shit into the place you should’ve been sharing, he’s history. If he shows up, great. Then I’ll think of more tests he’s likely to fail.”

  Paul rested his hands on Ferney’s shoulders and gave them a squeeze. “What your sister’s trying to say is that she’ll miss you.”

  “No, what I’m trying to say is I hate Dane. He’s twenty-four and he acts like he’s still in college. He doesn’t know what to do with a real woman.” Ferney’s head lolled forward and she gave a groan, the veil of her straight-ironed white-blonde hair hiding her face. “Keep rubbing. I think your thumb’s on a knot.”

  Kimber’s cell phone sounded in her purse, and she swilled the last of the merlot and hurried to her room, her heart turning over at the sight of Dane’s name on the display screen. She both craved and dreaded his calls; they usually went exceptionally well or exceptionally bad, with no in-between option. Most often they were both.

  She flipped on the light, illuminating nearly empty room with stacks of filled cardboard boxes, and answered the phone. “Hello?”

  “Hey, bables.” His voice, as always, sounded vaguely amused and slightly stoned. “What’re you up to?”

  “I just got home from work.” She sat on the edge of her mattress resting on the hardwood floor; pieces of the bed’s headboard and frame leaned against one of the bare walls in the corner. “What about you?”

  “Just hanging out, wondering when I’ll get to see you again.” She pictured his wiry form sprawled across a couch, clad in the classic Dane uniform-khaki shorts and a Grateful Dead tee over a long-sleeved shirt-and his long, wavy brown hair tied back.

  She pulled her knees to her chin. “Why not tonight?”

  “I wish I could. But Sam’s car is blocking mine in and she’s not home to move it.”

  “Oh.” Pain and anger constricted her heart, and she fought against the wave of uncontrollable jealousy threatening to run rampant. How was it that rotten twists of fate always managed to keep Dane and her from seeing each other or even getting along? There was always some barricade to overcome, and most of the time Kimber didn’t know if they actually overcame the obstacles or just ignored them.

  “You could come over here, if you want.” He gave a heavy sigh. “I understand if you’d be uncomfortable doing that though.”

  Uncomfortable was not the word to describe how agonizing she imagined visiting his new place would be, all the while knowing it wasn’t supposed to be like this. “I shouldn’t,” she said finally. “I still have a lot of packing to do.”

  “Ah. All right.” She heard him light a cigarette and take a drag. “So what time am I helping you move tomorrow?”

  “How about nine?” She willed back the tears she knew loomed in the very near future. “Ferney wants to cook us all what she’s calling a power breakfast beforehand, so bring some antacids.”

  Dane laughed. “I’ll be there.” His voice dropped. “Love you, bables.”

  “You too.” She hung up, trying not to feel disappointed in the evening and wishing there was something Dane could say to fix everything. In spite of herself, she thought of Ferney’s move-in test and wondered if it wasn’t such a bad idea after all.

  Chapter Two

  Jay wandered through apartment 18, nodding as he surveyed the stacks of boxes that created a cardboard fortress along the blank walls. “Look at all this space you have.”

  Kimber smiled. “That’s because there’s no furniture in here.”

  “And how long is your minimalist phase going to last?”

  “Hopefully not long. I talked to my mom last night, and she said since she and my dad are still in Florida visiting my grandparents, she’s going to mail me a check to buy some stuff.” She sighed, her smile vanishing. “I’m sort of glad they’re not here to help me move. The whole sight is too depressing to witness.”

  “Hey, this place isn’t so bad. This little guy likes it.” Jay bent down and scooped up Pepperoni, who’d been crouched low, flattening himself between a canopy of box flaps. “Right, Puddypaws?”

  Pepperoni dangled limp from Jay’s hands, looking so miserable Kimber had to laugh. “Leave the cat alone. And stop calling him Puddypaws or he’ll never learn his name.”

  “You’re the one who keeps calling him the cat.” Jay let Pepperoni drop to the carpet on all fours, and the feline scampered into the kitchen with a meow that sounded more like a chirp.

  “I can’t help it. He hasn’t grown into his identity yet.”

  “What kind of identity does one named Pepperoni have? A delicious one?”

  “Which reminds me-I have no food. The only things in the fridge are a six-pack of PBR, a box of microwavable sandwiches, and some of those popsicles with the syrup that always make me cough.” Kimber sank into a cross-legged position on the freshly shampooed carpet with another sigh. “And don’t even get me started on how and when I’m ever going to fill all those cupboards.”

  “You need to quit with the woebegone bit and buck up. This set-up is sweet, definitely better than my place.” Jay poked her in the stomach with the tip of his sneaker, knocking her off balance. “Unlike me, you have guaranteed parking and don’t have to fight the neighbors for the driveway. And the area looks safe, so I bet you don’t run the risk of bumping into any shady characters. Meanwhile, I got propositioned by two different but equally strung-out people last week, asking if I was looking to buy some meth-and this happened while I was on my way to my front door.” He gestured to himself. “Be honest. Is there something about me that suggests I could really go for some drugs right now?”

  “What about you doesn’t suggest that?”

  “Guess I’ll have to work harder on my upstanding citizen disguise. In the meantime, it’s your turn to name a bright side about your new address.”

  “Hmm.” Kimber tapped a finger to her lips in thought. “Well, the balcony is small, but I can still go out there and sing ‘Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina’ in my pajamas. And now that I don’t have Ferney in my ear, hounding me about everything, I don’t have to do the dishes right away, and I can decorate however I want.”

  “And you can eat ice cream naked in front of the TV. You can also break dance at three a.m.-and subsequently break stuff at three a.m. You can even go to the bathroom with the door open.”

  “Living with Ferney and her extroverted ways taught me that you don’t have to live alone for that last one.”

  “Thanks, just what I wanted to picture. Look, my point is, living by yourself is awesome and you’re gonna love it. You rule the roost. You have the freedom to do whatever and never have to answer to anyone.”

  Kimber couldn’t fight the smile on her face. “Stop making me feel better.”

  “Oh yeah?” Jay grinned. “So it’s working?”

  “Yes, damn it.” She lay back on the carpet with a groan, pressing the heels of her palms to her eyelids. “Leave me to my misery.”

  “What good would that do?”

  “It’ll help me focus on how I’m going to murder everyone but you for not helping me move today.”

  “Ferney looked really sick every time we went over there to load up.”

  “Don’t be fooled. She’s hung over.” She uncovered her eyes and noticed Jay’s quizzical look. “She’s very high-maintenance the morning after.”

  “I believe it. I’m surprised Paul wasn’t by her side, hand-feeding her ice chips.”

  “He had to work, but I don’t think he would’ve been much help to us. Ferney’s less effeminate than he is.”

  Jay scooped up Pepperoni, who’d returned, and blew a raspberry on the cat’s back. “And Dane, what’s his deal? Did Congress call, requesting his presence on the floor?”

  Kimb
er stiffened at the sound of her boyfriend’s name. “He’s a bastard.”

  “That’s some old news right there.” He dropped Pepperoni on Kimber’s stomach, and Kimber let out an oof as the cat leaped off her like she was a springboard. “See, this is why you should’ve got with me all those years ago. Then we wouldn’t even be having this discussion.”

  Kimber looked at him, startled, then relaxed and laughed, interpreting the proposition as a joke. “Right. Brilliant plan.” She sat up and gave his shin a nudge with the ball of her foot. “Better get to work on that time machine. Then we can start fixing all my problems.”

  His expression turned serious as he jammed his hands in his pockets and took a deep breath. “No time machine necessary. Just-” A thud sounded at the door, and the look in his eyes darkened. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

  “Oh shit.” Kimber scrambled to her feet and snatched Pepperoni from where he’d settled on top of a desk chair, and he let out a meow in protest. “Is that someone knocking? What if it’s someone from the office to tell me that cats aren’t allowed here?”

  “I’m sure it’s just some idiot.” Jay stalked toward the interruption while Kimber shut the cat in the bathroom anyway. When she returned, Jay opened the door, revealing a tall brunette coiled around a short, yellow-haired, baby-faced man who appeared to be in the process of devouring her face, starting with her mouth. No longer alone in the hallway, they jumped apart and stared at Jay and Kimber, red-faced, as if they’d forgotten other people existed.

  “Oops. Sorry.” The brunette pinched her lower lip between her index finger and thumb and winced. “Brad just got back from his trade fair in Germany so I was a little happy to see him.”

  Her paramour-Brad-nodded with the vigor of a bobble head on a dashboard. “After sitting in on meat conservation seminars all week, I’m a little happy to see her, too.”

  “We have a lot of lost time to make up for.” The brunette giggled, and Kimber tried to mask her incredulity. With wide, pale green eyes, a plethora of freckles covering her face and arms, and a thin body that looked like it had been built from Tinker Toys, she was not someone Kimber wanted to picture having sex. “I’m Taryn, we live next door. You two are the new neighbors?”

  “Just me.” Kimber placed a hand over her chest. “I’m Kimber, and this is my friend Jay.”

  Brad peered beyond Kimber into the apartment. “A friend who helps you move?” His lips twitched in a knowing smirk. “You got yourself a pretty good pal there.”

  The look in Jay’s eyes darkened even further, and Taryn nudged Brad in the stomach and cleared her throat. “We’re going to take our reunion inside and let you get back to unpacking. Let us know if you need anything.” She wiggled her fingers in a wave as Brad grabbed her by the waist and all but hauled her inside the apartment adjacent to Kimber’s.

  Jay shut the door. “The neighbors are friendly.”

  “And definitely not shy.” Kimber released Pepperoni from the bathroom.

  A brief silence fell between them, and Jay glanced at his cell phone. “I have to get ready for my shift.” He glanced around the room. “At least we got most of the stuff here. I can help you assemble your bed frame tomorrow if you want.”

  “That’s okay. I’ll get Paul to do it tonight when Ferney makes her recovery and I guilt them both into helping me move the rest of my shit.” She stretched her arms toward him. “Thank you so much for everything. You really are fantastic.”

  “Tell me something I don’t know.” He wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her off the ground, squeezing her tight until she squeaked. “See you later.”

  “Bye.” She waved as he left and shut the door behind him, not realizing until then that Jay hadn’t finished what he’d been saying regarding the time machine and her choosing him over Dane.

  A lump formed in her throat. She hoped he’d been teasing. It wasn’t like Jay was unattractive by any means-quite the opposite, with china-blue eyes, a curly mess of dark brown hair, and a regal, narrow nose. He was tall with broad shoulders, and despite him subsisting on a diet of processed foods and candy, his body stayed effortlessly in shape. Perhaps his most striking feature was his smile, which lit up his whole face and made him look boyish and incredibly appealing.

  But she’d known him for nearly ten years, and she’d never thought about him in a romantic way, too afraid of losing him to think of him as more than her best friend. The bond between them was too important to risk ruining with a relationship. It was better than a relationship, actually, if her history with Dane was anything to go by. Why couldn’t she and Dane have something between them that was just half as good as what she and Jay had?

  Suddenly deeply depressed, Kimber collapsed on her mattress in the middle of what was supposed to be her bedroom and stared at the ceiling, feeling like she floated on a desert-colored ocean. Her back and shoulders ached from hauling boxes from Jay’s car and her skin wore a layer of sweat and grime. She briefly entertained the thought of unpacking the towels and taking a long relaxing shower but the mere idea was exhausting. Instead she pretended Pepperoni, who circled the room, was a hungry shark, and the mattress was her life raft. She might as well have been adrift at sea; she’d never felt so alone. Kimber wished she could call Jay, but his going to work made that out of the question. Her second choice was Ferney, but she figured her sister still lay in bed, clutching her stomach and her head and wailing like an actress on a Mexican soap opera. Third on her list were myriad friends she didn’t feel like speaking to right then anyway.

  All the while, she tried not to think of Dane, her real first choice. She used to envision them living together, combining movie collections and writing love notes to each other using magnetic letters on the fridge. He’d once said he wanted to live with her over a pizza parlor on a busy street in an apartment, where they would push their two queen-size mattresses together to create one massive bed. Now that dream couldn’t be further from reality.

  Then, like a demon summoned, her cell phone rang and Dane’s name appeared on the screen. Kimber waited several long seconds before answering. “Hello?”

  “Hey!” He sounded far too nice, like he was compensating for fucking up. “How’s the place?”

  “Great.” Let him think she was living it up. Let him think he was missing out.

  “Good, I’m glad,” he said with a relief she thought to be more about the fact she hadn’t immediately started in on him rather than her happiness. “So you just moved everything in by yourself?”

  She clenched and unclenched her jaw. “No, Jay helped me.”

  “Oh.” Now she detected a note of suspicion in his voice, which brought her some satisfaction. “Well, why didn’t you call me? I would’ve helped, too.”

  “Are you serious?” She fought to keep the anger out of her voice but failed. “Just last night you promised you’d be here, but you never showed. You didn’t even bother to call.”

  “I know. I’m so sorry, bables. I set my alarms this morning but slept through them all. Then I forgot until Wendy asked me a few hours ago if you were all moved in. I’m so, so sorry.”

  Hot fury numbed her body, and all Kimber could do was shake her head, speechless at his audacity. Her boyfriend’s roommate, who didn’t even like her, could remember the day she was moving into a new place, but Dane couldn’t? Every time she tried to speak, she found that no words existed to describe just how gypped, crushed, and livid she was.

  “I still want to come over and help,” he continued, “but when I went out to get smokes this morning, my back tire blew out so I’m stranded. If you want to come get me though-”

  “No, forget it.” She licked her dry lips. “It’s over and done with now.”

  For all the thoughtless things Dane had ever done, one thing Kimber had to give him credit for was being able to pick up on her cryptic double entendres. He fell quiet for a moment. “What does that mean?”

  Kimber wished he didn’t sound so sad and scared; it wa
s turning her inside out. “You know what that means.”

  “But bables…”

  She squeezed her eyes shut. “Whatever it is we’re doing just isn’t working.”

  “How is it not working?”

  “How is it?”

  “Don’t answer my question with a question. That’s not fair.”

  A nervous titter rippled through her, and Kimber burst out laughing. He wanted to talk to her about fair? “It’s over, Dane, I’m sorry. Don’t call me back.”

  Then she hung up the phone and cried.

  * * *

  That evening, Kimber and Ferney struggled to bring her desk through the front door of Kimber’s apartment while Pepperoni sat in a cardboard cave of boxes, watching. Grunting and groaning, the sisters pushed it across the carpet, leaving deep grooves in the fibers, and moved it near the window in the living area.

  Kimber stepped back and inspected it, her chest heaving. “It’s not straight.”

  “Just make all the other furniture crooked, too, and then it will be.” Ferney dusted her hands off on her designer jeans, what she called her play clothes.

  Paul materialized from the kitchen, dressed in a flannel shirt better suited for the body of a lumberjack instead of his narrow frame. He held a frosty bottle of beer in one hand and a butterscotch crumpet in the other and nodded his approval. “Looks good. You ladies did a great job.”

  “I bet we would’ve done an even better job if someone else had helped.” Ferney plucked the beer out of his hand and twisted off the cap, tossing it to him. He missed catching it and nearly dropped the crumpet, too, thanks to Pepperoni, who’d left his cave in favor of scaling Paul’s leg.

  “Um, someone?” Paul’s face screwed up with terror as the cat inched up his thigh.

  “Ew, Kim, save Paul.” Ferney gestured to her fiancé with the beer. “I don’t want that dirty beast giving my betrothed rabies.”

  “He doesn’t have rabies.” Kimber pried Pepperoni off Paul and plopped him in an empty cardboard box, figuring that finding a way to escape would keep the animal occupied for a few minutes. “And call him Pepperoni, not ‘that dirty beast.’”