Desire Disguised

by Lynn Rae

  “Cara! Are you sick?”

  Mat’s voice echoed past her bedroom door, and she groggily turned her head. Ben stopped moving and rested his warm forehead against her shoulder as he breathed hard.

  “No, Mat. I’m okay. Just a bad dream. I’ll be out in a little while.”

  They waited for a few moments for any other interruption, but her excuse must have satisfied her brother. His footsteps shuffled away, and she soon heard his display begin to broadcast the morning news. She should be embarrassed, she should draw away and leave the bed and see to her brother, but Cara did none of those things. Instead, she wrapped her legs around Ben’s hips. He caught her gaze and narrowed his eyes.

  “We should stop.”

  “No. Finish what you started.”

  “You have to be quiet.”

  “Then don’t be so good at this,” Cara whispered and gasped as he drew her tight and rolled to his side. Now they were close together, his chest crushed to hers, their legs entwined as he eased deeper and deeper inside. She pressed a palm against her mouth and quivered from her toes to her fingertips as he surveyed her. She wouldn’t have been able to wriggle away even if she’d wanted to.

  “Remember, quiet.”

  All she could do was nod and feel.

  “Come on, Mat.” Cara urged her brother to hurry up as they headed down the corridor in medical. She’d gotten an interesting update just after she’d met Mat at school, and instead of heading back to their rooms for an afternoon snack, they were on their way to see Soren. A trickle of unease made its way through her belly; it had been over a week since their companion had awoken, and he’d grown stronger every day, more demanding and intrusive with every visit. Cara sometimes wondered if her new intimacies with Ben showed on her face with the way the old man studied her every time she visited.

  They stood at the doorway to his room and peered in to find their companion sitting up, his scrawny legs dangling over the side of the bed, and irritation creasing his features. Penni Dismit, the medtech Cara had met the night they crashed, glanced back and forth between several blinking monitors and her patient as if she wasn’t sure which one required her attention more.

  “There you are.” Soren looked them over and both she and Mat unconsciously straightened their posture. “Very good. You may explain the situation to them.”

  Cara glanced at Penni who raised her eyebrows before she spoke. “He’s doing very well. The therapeutic work he’s done today showed no strain on any of the repaired cells and structures.”

  “Which means I’ll be able to leave within the week, isn’t that correct?” Soren interrupted the medtech’s update with a raised eyebrow. “Cara, I’ll need you to investigate the next available flights and possible destinations and report them to me. They won’t allow me access to outside feeds in here. I’ll let you know my decision tomorrow.”

  Cara’s stomach plummeted and a chill crept across her skin. “Your decision?”

  Soren nodded once. “On which flight we are taking and where we are going. Our original plans are no longer feasible.” He was pale and thin, all the bones in his face and hands standing out in contrast to his powdery-looking skin. She didn’t think he appeared capable of walking across the room, let alone enduring several jumps.

  “Are you sure? With more time to recuperate, it would be easier.”

  “No, we’ve been here too long.”

  “But I like it here,” Mat piped up, staring up at Cara with wide eyes. She gulped back her instant urge to agree with him. Her throat tightened, and she couldn’t get the image of Ben’s face out of her mind.

  “We have another big project at school, and that entertainment ship is coming soon and it’s supposed to be phenom.”

  Soren flinched as Penni pressed a sensor to his back. “That will stop.”

  “I’m going to school. I’m doing well. And Cara’s work—”

  “It’s good for him. He should continue.” Cara cut off her brother before he could reveal her culinary internship. Soren would grumpily agree to broaden Mat’s exposure to intellectual pursuits, but in no way would he condone her work in a kitchen. The older man took a breath and twisted his head to glare at the medtech.

  “Are you finished?”

  She nodded once and collected her things, sparing a sympathetic glance at the Belascos as she exited the room. Once the door closed, Soren sighed and moved to recline on the bed as Cara rushed to his side to help him lie down, her mind still flinching away from the painful fact they’d be leaving so soon. She’d be leaving Ben. With a shake of her head, she pushed the terrible thought down until she could suffer in private.

  Soren batted her hands away as he muttered about appropriate behavior. “Have you noticed any unusual info-tracks?”

  Cara shook her head. The companions had set up elaborate surveillance routines that would alert them to any suspicious search requests along public feeds and perhaps private ones as well. She’d never asked much about the system but had done the checks twice a day since he’d been incapacitated.

  “Nothing, but we’re far out of the loop. It seems to take at least several days for any information to reach here.”

  “I don’t trust it. Bring me a datpad the next time you’re here. They told me mine was ruined in the crash.” Soren closed his eyes and shifted his legs. “Tomorrow. Along with the information on the flight schedules. I’m thinking we might try for Freton this time. I’m aware of a possible safe house in one of the inland villages. In a few days I’ll be ready.”

  Cara lowered her chin and stared at the speckled floor of the room. She didn’t want to go, and her urge to stay was putting up surprisingly strong resistance to her automatic response to obey him. She’d been following his orders for nearly her whole life, but all the things she’d done on Gamaliel were so much more compelling than a future of hiding and isolation. Her chest ached, and tears prickled in her eyes.

  “I’m happy you’re feeling better, Soren. I’ll bring you your things tomorrow.”

  Cara looked at her brother rather than Soren and saw his jaw was tense. He held his shoulders in a rigid square. “I think we should wait longer. What if you get sicker when we’re on a ship and have nowhere to go? At least here we have a place to live.”

  Soren twisted his head and stared at Mat. “That’s not an option.” He used his stern voice, the one that had always made Cara and Mat quake in the past, but this time Mat stuck out his chin and stared right back.

  “I vote we stay. In class we get to vote on things. Topi says consensus is important in society.”

  Cara inhaled a breath and glanced at the old man on the bed, unsure of what he’d say to such defiance. The La Torres had never concerned themselves with consensus, so it was doubtful Soren placed much value in it. Mat had developed some backbone since he’d landed here, and she was proud of him.

  “I don’t care what happens in your class. It’s not as if you belong there. This isn’t a topic for a vote. I am here to protect you, and to do that effectively we must be on the move.”

  “I don’t want to be on the move!” Mat stood as he burst out his objection. Soren’s eyes widened, and Cara stood as well, placing her arm around her brother’s shoulders to keep him from rushing out of the room.

  “Soren, we’ll let you rest. I’ll bring your things tomorrow morning.” Cara angled Mat toward to door, anxious to get her brother away before he could say more Soren might hold against him. The companion sighed and glared at them.

  Once they were in the hallway and out of earshot of the older man’s room, Cara shook her head. Her life had fallen apart in a few minutes. Everything she’d looked forward to—going to the kitchens in the morning, listening to Mat talk about school, thinking about what she was going to make for dinner—all of it was rendered null and void by Soren’s declaration. Her time with Ben—Cara’s throat tightened when she thought about him. He’d already messaged her he was free and he’d be waiting for her signal like always. Should she tell
him not to come over and spare herself the pain? How was she going to tell him they were leaving?

  “I don’t want to go, Cara,” Mat muttered as he walked. “We’re starting a genome mapping project tomorrow.”

  “I know, Mat, I don’t want to go either.” The thought of facing more strange places, cramped rooms, uncertainty, and missing Ben made her stumble on the smooth floor.

  “Then why do we have to? There’s two of us and only one of him. You’re grown up. You can decide what we do.” Mat’s logic was sound, but the habit of staying quiet and not being noticed was hard to fight. She’d grown up trusting the companions to make the decisions and keep them safe. It was their reason for being. The sad thing was she now realized that life gave her very little reason for being other than to care for Mat. She’d had a taste of something more, and she’d starve without it now.

  “I don’t know. Let me think about this a little while. Maybe I can convince Soren that we can stay awhile. It’s got to be as safe here as anywhere else he might come up with.”

  Tremors of anxiety shivered through her belly. She’d let herself believe they’d have more time, and that was an error of large proportions. If she’d never let Mat go to school, if she’d never become intimate with Ben, none of this would be hurting so much.

  Ben paced. He’d messaged Cara a few minutes before, and she hadn’t replied even though it was their usual time to communicate and coordinate a visit. He’d spent every night with her for the past eight days, sneaking in through the terrace door after Mat was asleep and exiting the same way every morning. He was going to get caught crawling along the outside of the building some morning by sharp-eyed Myltin Tarl.

  At least Lia had already left the planet on her whirlwind tour to visit far-flung friends. If she’d spent more time with him, she would have soon discovered his involvement with Cara and been disgustingly pleased with herself that he’d succumbed to a romantic entanglement. As it was, she’d merely made a cryptic remark about him being vigilant for the Belascos’ sake and to let her know how their situation resolved with as much detail as he was able to reveal.

  He knew she and Mat were home; he’d checked their arrival time and had taken the step of observing them on the security feed. The image hadn’t been especially crisp, because they’d moved quickly, but both had worn similar expressions of worry. Something bothered them, and that knowledge combined with Cara’s non-responsiveness made his blood pressure ratchet up a few notches.

  He stared at his piano a moment and tried to convince himself he’d play something while he waited but knew he wouldn’t have the focus to even pick out a scale. Disengaging his datpad from around his wrist, Ben tabbed to Cara’s number and called her directly. He didn’t care if the tone disturbed Mat at this point.

  “Hello, Ben.” Her voice sounded uneven, and he knew she was upset from just those three syllables.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing. I’m sorry I didn’t reply. I wasn’t sure what to say. I don’t think I can see you tonight.”

  Her brief sentences, all vaguely deceptive, made him tense from his hands up to his shoulders where his old injury flared into an immediate ache. Had he done something to upset her? Ben frantically reviewed their more recent interactions and nothing jumped out, but he could have easily done something offensive and remained entirely ignorant of it.

  They’d parted early that morning with kisses and smiles. She was going to have a day like all the others, and she’d even come out on the terrace wrapped in a sheet to watch him make his way back over to his suite. What had happened in the meantime?

  “Why not?”

  “I’m just tired and don’t think…”

  “We don’t have to do anything.” Ben didn’t want to hear her try to brush him off, and his stomach was already knotting up. She sighed and made an indeterminate sound. “I just want to see you for a little, and then I’ll come back over here.”

  They hadn’t spent a night apart, and the idea of going to bed alone filled him with unhappiness. What had happened to him to make him so desperate? He knew. He just didn’t want to admit it to himself, because it would hurt too much. He’d fallen for this woman. She was innocent and scarred, bold and shy, and made him feel more than alive every time he looked at her.

  Cara sniffled.

  “You’re upset about something. I’m coming over. Let me in.” Ben knew he barked at her, that he sounded like an interrogator, but he simply couldn’t ignore her distress. He closed the connection and left his suite, taking three quick strides to her door and pressing the monitor to alert her. The door didn’t open, and he debated on whether he should use her open code uninvited. If she didn’t open it soon, he’d have to. Just as he was pressing the monitor again, the door slid open, and he saw her. Her hair was tied tightly back on her head, her face was pale except for her reddened eyes. Surprisingly, she wore a sturdy jumpsuit rather than the sleepwear he’d expected.

  Rather than bursting out all the questions he had, he took two steps inside and reached for her. If she refused his touch, he’d know he’d done something hurtful. Her lips trembled, and she rushed to him and buried her head in his shoulder. Relief filled him. Now, he needed to find out what had happened and fix it.

  Her body trembled against his as she was wracked with near-silent sobs. He rubbed her back and held on as she brought herself under control. With a hitching cough, she moved her head back and glanced up at him, misery in her tear-filled eyes.

  “Is Mat asleep?”

  She shook her head and swallowed, and he took a deep breath and led her toward the living area. He’d never known her to let her brother stay up so late. They walked in to find Mat wrapped in a blanket and curled up on the sofa next to another crumpled blanket it seemed Cara had been using until she’d gotten up to let him in. The boy’s stricken expression was nearly identical to his sister’s, and he was again struck by their physical and behavioral similarities.

  “Hello, Mat, what’s wrong?” Ben decided to keep his hand around Cara until she settled back into her seat next to her brother. He pulled the blanket up and around her as Mat glanced at her and then back to him.

  “Everything.”

  Ben nodded once and looked to Cara for some explanation. She tightened her lips and dipped her chin before speaking.

  “We saw Soren this afternoon. He’s much better.”

  “That’s good news.” Oh, but wait, it wasn’t good news at all. Now it all made sense. “Oh, I see.”

  Mat shook his head and lowered his eyebrows. “It’s not fair, Ben. Just because he says so we have to go. I want to work on my school project. I like living here. I like having my own room and big display. Having friends. Cara’s happy here and that makes me happy.”

  Cara watched her brother’s increasing outrage and laid a comforting hand on his shoulder. She glanced back at him, her eyes misted with sadness. Ben’s heart contracted in his chest. As much as he wanted to protest and offer all sorts of reasons to stay, he knew he couldn’t put her in such a quandary. No matter how much it hurt, he had to put aside his own raw feelings and help the Belascos.

  “I know you do, Mat. I do too. But we knew this was going to happen.” Cara’s soft voice tried to comfort Mat, but when she glanced from her brother to him, Ben knew she included him in the statement. She was right, they’d all known this was a temporary situation but that didn’t lessen the hurt. He’d just found her, and now she was leaving.

  “Mat, it’s really late, and you need to get some rest so you can go to school tomorrow.”

  “What difference does it make if I go anymore? I’m still going to have to leave for good in a few days!”

  Ben reeled as if he’d been punched. A few days? That’s all they had? It seemed impossible that an older man like Soren could have just woken from a coma with newly repaired bones and nerves and be capable of space travel. He must be incredibly tough and disciplined. Or desperate.

  “Mat, please. We’ve gotten up
set about this enough for one evening. Go to bed.”

  Mat flung his blanket down and stalked away. If the door to his room had been on hinges, Ben was sure he could have heard it slam. Cara watched him go and then turned to him, staring as if she wasn’t sure what to do next. He moved from his seat and joined her on the sofa, pulling her against his shoulder. She was quiet and compliant. He wondered what she was thinking. She seemed upset but that could be for a whole host of reasons, none of them to do with leaving him. The thought of her on her own somewhere millions of light years away, caring for her brother and the older man made him angry.

  “Just how recovered is Soren?”

  “He doesn’t seem well to me. He was exhausted from doing some diagnostic walks before we got there.”

  “Then how will he protect you? Perhaps he’s overestimating his abilities. It’s foolish to think—”

  “I’ll manage.” Cara’s quiet and sure voice broke his wishful thinking apart as if a swinging hammer against opticglass. She wasn’t fighting it. She wasn’t trying to think of a way to gain a few more days together. Ben tried to swallow his hurt, but the anger got in the way, and he felt his temper begin to grow.

  “All on your own?” He knew he sounded skeptical but that was a better emotion to express than despair. That’s how he was feeling; terribly hurt his time with her was going to end so quickly on the whim of an old man who could barely walk across his room, yet expected to flee through the galaxy in a few days. “It’ll be a disaster.”

  Cara drew away from his arm and stared at him, the tension on her face tightening into a glower. “I’m entirely capable of keeping Mat safe. And Soren too for that matter. I’m not a child.”

  “Then make up your own mind and stop letting him tell you what to do.” Cara’s eyes widened as he spoke without thinking. With a quick inhalation, she pushed herself away from him and stood up, the blanket falling around her feet.

  “I have to do what’s right. Not what I want.”