I felt his overgrown stubble brush against my face and a soft pair of lips find mine briefly. “One day, you’re going to have to stop running and realize it doesn’t solve all your problems.”
“And one day you’re going to have to realize that pushing the ones you love away isn’t protecting them, it’s isolating them.” I gave him a soft peck on the cheek then stepped back. “If it’s okay, I’ll come back and get the rest of my things soon.”
He nodded, but his mind seemed far away as he stared over my head. I wondered if it was what I’d said, or if he’d chosen that particular time to cut off his emotions completely.
I tried to swallow, but my throat was completely dry. My stomach turned.
This was it.
I was walking away and he wasn’t going to stop me.
I cleared my throat finally, throwing my bag over my shoulder and taking a couple of steps closer to the door. Optimus didn’t move. I desperately wanted him to call out, to tell me he couldn’t let me go.
“Chelsea.”
I squeezed the door handle in my hand, my breath seizing in my throat. “Yeah?”
“Watch your back out there.” I thought I heard a sliver of emotion in his voice, but I couldn’t see his face to confirm it, so I put it down to just my mind hearing what it wanted to hear.
“Yeah.”
I pulled the door closed behind me, leaving Optimus standing silently inside my room. I managed to hold off the tears until I reached the space where my car usually was. But in its place was only charred remains.
The tears poured then.
There was no holding back.
“Op said you might need a ride.” Ham’s voice did nothing to sooth me as he dangled keys from his fingers and guided me over to Optimus’ truck. “Rose’s?”
I nodded, not even able to get a word out. I wept and sobbed the whole way to Rose’s apartment, hoping like hell that she’d be home. I had nowhere else to go. I could go and stay with Harmony, but I knew it would cause tension.
I needed to take a step back from the club. It was my plan to do so eventually—if Optimus hadn’t pulled his head out of his ass by the time I finished college—so I may as well start the disconnection now.
Ham didn’t try to talk to me, he just drove in silence as I leaned my head against the cold glass window and let my heart shatter into pieces.
“Be safe, Chel,” he said faintly as I jumped from the truck, not even turning around to acknowledge him or say thanks.
The rain had started coming down in buckets. I ran up the staircase that lead up the side of the building to Rose’s small apartment and pounded on the door. Water dripped from my hair and down my face, only disguising my tears but not hiding my puffy, bloodshot eyes and sniffles. Rose pulled the door open, she stood looking at me confused for a second before she took in my appearance.
“Oh, Chelsea,” she said sadly, opening her arms and allowing me to fall into them, the sobs starting up once again.
“I left,” I sniffed.
She ran her hands up and down my back, not caring that I was completely soaking her clothing.
“Come on in.”
I sat in her room for who knows how long. I was a fucking idiot. Chelsea was my match. She may be a club girl, but she had the heart of an Old Lady. She loved the club and supported me when I needed her.
She fucking loved me.
Fucking idiot.
I sat on her bed, holding my head in my hands. I’d already called Ham and given him his marching orders. He was to take her to where she wanted to go and then watch her like a hawk until we knew what was going on. I had some of the boys already going over her car with a fine-tooth comb. Someone wanted to cause some damage. Her car had been left unattended at the gym today, that had to be the place where they had planted the bomb.
Was it meant to go off while she was in the car? Or was it intended to damage the club?
I didn’t know. But I was going to fucking find out.
These bastards were going down. Chelsea may have walked away and I’d let her. But the fuck if I was going to let anything happen to her, just because I couldn’t keep in it my pants when she was around.
It was better this way.
That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.
There was a light knock on the door.
“Yeah,” I gruffed out. My throat feeling clogged with emotion for the first time in years. The door squeaked open and Sugar popped her head around the corner before ducking in and shutting it behind her.
“How’s Harlyn?” I asked. My stomach turned knowing that my baby girl had been subjected to something so violent and scary. Just another reason to take these assholes to the ground.
Sugar eyed the closed bathroom door curiously. “She’s asleep finally. Neil is sitting in the room with her in case she wakes up.”
I dragged my fingers through my short hair. “That’s good.”
“Chelsea in the bathroom?” she asked, looking confused. “I wanted to see if she was okay. But I can come back.”
“She’s gone,” I murmured.
Her eyes widened. “Say that again?”
“She’s fucking gone,” I snapped causing Sugar to jump slightly. “They fucking blew up her car! I told her we needed to keep our distance. She said she couldn’t do that anymore. That she loved me too much to be around if she couldn’t have me.”
I pushed off the bed and began pacing. Sugar quickly moved out of the way of my angry stomping and climbed onto the bed.
“Op, don’t do this. Not again,” she pleaded, watching me with sad eyes.
I stopped and glared at her. “This is not the same, Sugar.”
“How is this not the same, Op? Once again, pushing away the people you care about. Forcing them out,” she countered, almost angrily.
“I didn’t force her out,” I shouted. “She left! She walked the fuck out that door.”
“And you didn’t stop her,” she growled, pointing at me with a sharp, accusing finger. “She shares her heart with you. She tells you she loves you. She lays it all out on the line and you leave her there to dry, despite that fact that we call it as we see it. We all see how you feel about her.” Every point she threw at me was like another shot to the heart. Each more painful than the last.
All true.
My body was tense. I felt as though I needed to hit something. I was angry, but not at her—at myself. I just couldn’t bring myself to chase after her. My fears held me back.
“Do you love her?”
My stomach dropped and for a second, all I wanted to do was crumble to the floor.
Did I love her?
“She’s all I can see. There hasn’t been anyone else for a long time,” I replied, walking over to Chelsea’s school desk and propping myself up on the edge. “Chel...she’s different. She never had any expectations coming into this life, I think that’s what drew me to her. She was never out to be an Old Lady, she never wanted anything. She took what little I gave her and was happy with that, she gave me room to breathe and be who I wanted to be.”
I looked up and saw Sugar watching me intently.
I couldn’t talk about this shit with my brothers. I loved them, they were my family and I’m sure there are some of them who would understand. But Sugar knew my heart because at one stage she had consumed it. She’d seen me break down behind closed doors when my father was killed, she’d had to deal with that shit while on the outside I’d forced a strong front of anger and revenge for my men.
I was their leader. Without a strong leader, shit falls to pieces, mistakes are made, and in this life…people get killed. If they’d seen the anguish and torture I’d gone through, the self-blame and how I’d questioned being worthy of wearing that President’s patch that donned my vest, I would have never gained their respect.
“It wasn’t your fault,” she whispered. Tears shone in her eyes and I knew she could feel the ache in my chest. “Dealer’s death wasn’t on you.”
Hea
ring my father’s name sent a chill through my veins. I may have had my revenge, righted the wrongs that had taken place that night, but my heart still hung heavy with guilt. “I should have stayed with him. I knew it was wrong to leave but—“
“But you put me first before your family. Don’t you think that weight hangs heavy on my shoulders too? I loved Dealer. I shouldn’t have begged you to leave him there alone.” Her bottom lip quivered and I moved to crouch in front of her. This wasn’t the first time we’d had this conversation, but this was the first time she’d said anything about feeling responsible.
I took her face in my hands. “Don’t be stupid, Sugar. They were gunning for him.”
“Exactly. And if I hadn’t called you away you’d possibly both be dead and Harlyn would be growing up without a dad.”
I scoffed, turning away from her once again. “She’s done just fine the past five years without me.”
“Oh, wow! You’re really going to pull the poor me act? That’s pathetic,” she spat.
I spun, holding myself back from getting in her space. “I’m gonna let that one slide this time. Who the hell do you think you’re talking to?” Even though Sugar was different, having anyone speak to me with disrespect put me straight into the defensive zone.
She crawled off the bed and walked forward, standing toe to toe with me. “I thought I was fucking talking to a man who protected what was his? I thought I was talking to a man who had learned from his mistakes? I thought I was talking to a man who faced his problems head on rather than pushing them away and expecting that they will fix themselves eventually?”
“What the fuck, Sugar?” I growled, her words winding me tightly.
“Pull your head in, Op.” She jabbed me in the chest with her finger. “This girl, she was ready to give you everything. She didn’t care that being involved with you could put her life and future in danger. She would’ve risked everything to give you everything. Because to her, she would rather spend whatever time she had left feeling loved by you than spend the rest of her life wondering why or what she could have done differently.”
My fists clenched at my sides and I glared at Sugar, hoping that she would cower and run, but she just wasn’t the type. Sugar wasn’t scared of me, not that I wanted her to be. She wasn’t afraid to tell me what she thought, she never had been.
She glared straight back at me. “What would you do if she died right now? What if she was hit by a car? What if she dropped dead right now? Would you regret it then? Would you regret letting her walk out that door?”
Just the thought of something happening to her made my heart pound and the contents of my stomach threaten to spill all over the bedroom floor.
“Don’t tell me that your heart isn’t screaming at you to run out of this room, chase Chelsea down and beg her to come back,” she challenged.
“Of course, it fucking is. Didn’t you just hear me? I can’t fucking breathe without her.”
Sugar didn’t even flinch. You would have thought that there would even be a flicker of jealousy, but there wasn’t. Sugar wanted the best for me, just like I did her. I loved her, she’d raised my daughter mostly on her own even though I’d made sure money-wise, she was never struggling. She wanted me to be happy, and she saw that with Chelsea. It just showed what type of person she was, the amount of love she had in her heart.
“Then wake the hell up!”
“And risk her life because I couldn’t put my own selfishness to the side.” I shook my head. “No, not again.”
I had forced Sugar to leave and she was still here. Both she and Harlyn were safe because for the last five years I’d managed to keep a reasonable distance from them. In my mind, it was logical. I’d done it once to protect those I loved. I could do it again. Even if it meant that, I would never have Chelsea again. At least I’d know she was alive and could live her life. My heart disagreed, but I ignored it.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. You’re a stubborn fucking asshole, you know that, right?”
The stupid thing was that I heard her. I knew what she was saying made sense. I knew that my dumb ass could be making a huge mistake.
I’ll just add it to the fucking list.
Rose made me take a long hot shower. It didn’t help. My body was numb—chilled straight through to the bone.
I always planned to walk at some point. I knew the club girl life wasn’t a be-all and end-all for me. I wanted to make something of myself. I wanted to help people and use my passions to make a difference, make a life for myself. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go. I’d never planned it out in my head, the words I would say when I finally left the club, but what I can say was that I never imagined it would be this way. The club had become so engrained in my heart.
The men—although my job there was different and unorthodox—I still cared for them. I loved them. They’d given me a place to belong when I thought I had none. When I was lost and wondering what my purpose was, why the world had cursed me with loneliness, they had given me a home.
Growing up in the system wasn’t easy. Some of the kids I’d met in homes had been there since they were babies. They didn’t know any different. All they knew were struggles and how to fight to get by.
But not me.
I didn’t remember much about when I was little, but the one thing I felt the strongest about my childhood before my parents were killed was love. I remembered how good it felt to have someone tuck me into bed at night. I remembered how my heart soared when my dad called me his little angel. I remembered how much I used to laugh and smile, and what it was like to have someone kiss your skinned knees when you fell. And I remembered how painful it was to have it all ripped away.
The feeling faded over time. Things became less visible in my mind and the memories became dim lights at the end of a tunnel, slowly slipping away until I thought they would be gone forever. I didn’t realize how dark my world had become because I was losing the reminders of how bright it could possibly be.
Optimus gave me back my light. He’d made me feel again. He made my heart remember how to beat and soar and slowly it began to fill again.
And now, here I was. Back in that tunnel that I’d grown to know so well. Watching the light slowly disappear down the line.
Rose placed a cup of coffee in my hands. It warmed them from the chill, but the rest of my body remained numb. She’d loaned me a soft fluffy robe and some other essentials while she threw my clothes in the dryer.
She took a seat beside me, her hands coming down to rest on my arm. “Talk, it will help.”
I shook my head. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“Say whatever the hell you want. Get angry, get upset, cry, scream. Whatever is going to make you feel better,” she said forcefully.
Her words inflated my punctured soul. “I just can’t stand the push and pull any longer. My head is spinning so fast I want to vomit. How can he be so tender and caring? Showing me pieces of him that he keeps hidden away, but he won’t claim me, won’t make us official.”
“What’s his reasoning?” she asked curiously.
I sighed, not sure how much I should share. I may no longer be a part of the club, but it didn’t mean I would disrespect them or share their secrets. “There’s a lot of shit going down with the club at the moment. Optimus feels like if people knew I was with him then I would be unsafe.”
To put it blandly.
Rose didn’t look surprised, even nodding her head gently. “You don’t agree with him?”
“It’s not that.” I knew this shit was serious, Op wouldn’t have taken this approach lightly. “I’m just sick of it, you know? I...I care about him. So God damn much. Being a club girl was all fine and dandy while there were no huge feelings involved. You’re single, you have fun, you screw guys and nobody gets hurt. People do it every day, I just happened to do it with a bunch of scary bikers.”
Rose laughed. “A bunch of sexier-than-your-average-men scary bikers.”
I smiled, the
feeling almost a relief. “Exactly. I don’t know when for sure it hit me, but once I realized I felt more for him than just a warm body to heat my bed at night, things started to get too complicated.”
“You didn’t like seeing him with other girls?” she asked, tracing the rim of her coffee cup as she spoke.
I shook my head. “He was never with other girls. I knew he wasn’t, there was barely ever a night that we didn’t share a bed and that included nights we didn’t even have sex! A couple weeks ago Blizzard tried it on with me, but before anything happened Op appeared and dragged me off like a caveman.”
I saw her nose screw up. Blizzard was a hard man to decipher. He was cool, calm and collected most of the time, but Rose had somehow managed to ruffle his feathers.
“So really, you haven’t been a club girl for a long time now.”
I slumped in my chair. “I don’t know, Rose. I don’t know what I am, or what I was. That was the problem. The lines had become too blurred. I wasn’t asking to be an Old Lady, I’m independent, I’ve looked after myself for a long time now. I was just asking him to let me in.”
“All or nothing,” she said quietly. “I understand the concept.”
“He chose nothing,” I said dryly, feeling another twinge in my heart and tears threaten to spill after I’d fought so hard to contain them.
“He had his reasons and frankly, they are warranted. You know he cares about you.”
I swallowed back the lump that had formed in my throat, determined to not let this break me. “I think that’s what makes this even harder, knowing he cares and that he still let me walk away anyway.”
“You’re an amazing person. It might hurt now, but you’ll build yourself up and become so much stronger,” Rose encouraged with a smile and a squeeze of my arm.
I nodded. “Done it before, I can do it again.”
“Exactly!” she beamed.
My phone began to vibrate across the table, startling us both for a second. I sighed as I looked down at the caller, knowing I had to pick it up. Rose gave my arm another squeeze then disappeared, giving me a little space.
Chelsea (The Club Girl Diaries Book 2) Page 13
