Hold You Close

by Jessica Linden

  “I’ll just put your bag in the bedroom.” He held the bag in front of him as he crossed the room. Fuck, he felt like an idiot.

  He unzipped the suitcase and pulled out her book and planner, taking his time and giving his blood a few moments to cool.

  He wanted Ginny with him. No one would keep her safe like he would, but damn, he hadn’t thought of how hard it would be to be so physically close to her yet be forced to stay away.

  Last night, he’d tossed and turned on the couch. Part of it was frustration at not being able to do anything. He wanted to fucking kill Barkov, but his hands were tied. He’d abide by Ginny’s wishes and let the man be.

  For now.

  He didn’t know how long his restraint would last, but he’d try to do it her way for as long as was prudent.

  The other reason he couldn’t sleep was because images of Ginny’s body lying between his sheets filled his mind. Her curves, her skin, her hair. All of it tortured him. He definitely wanted her in his bed—but he wanted to be there with her.

  Soon. She needed time to heal. But soon.

  Chapter 14

  Ginny watched as Tony disappeared into the bedroom with her suitcase. She went to the kitchen and pulled the cookie sheets out of the oven, setting them on the stove to cool.

  She tugged at the hem of the T-shirt, trying to cover more of herself. She hoped it was okay that she’d helped herself to a clean one; she couldn’t bear putting on the old one after she’d showered. She’d thought about searching for some athletic shorts or pajama pants—anything with an elastic waist that she could roll—but she didn’t know where they were and she didn’t want to search through his drawers. That seemed like it would be crossing a line.

  But now that he was here with her things, she could change into her own clothes. Hopefully it would make her feel normal.

  Normal. She didn’t know what the hell that was anymore. Since she agreed to marry Barkov, she’d lost part of herself—a large part she hadn’t even realized was missing until recently. It was more than just her appearance. She’d adjusted her behavior and compromised her morals, and that was just the beginning. She didn’t want to examine it too closely because she suspected she’d be disappointed with what she found.

  But now, it was time to get herself back. She just hoped she wasn’t too far gone.

  How long would she need to stay here? She’d spent the last almost twenty-four hours coming to terms with what had happened with Fedor and the bad decisions she’d made that had gotten her to that point, but now it was time to move past that. She needed to think about the future and how she was going to move forward.

  Starting now.

  She headed toward the bedroom and nearly collided with Tony. Jumping back, she wrapped her arms around herself, feeling very exposed in the thin cotton T-shirt.

  His body was solid, hard. Tantalizing. She’d already known that from her few interludes with him. She desired him—there was no doubt about that.

  But the way he held her last night, so gentle, so caring, giving her exactly what she needed . . . it made her soul yearn for him.

  “I thought I’d change,” she said, not meeting his eyes. How could she when the thoughts running through her mind were anything but innocent?

  Suddenly she was a coward. She’d just given herself a pep talk about being brave moving forward, but she couldn’t even accept the things she felt for Tony. She suppressed her feelings for him for so long it didn’t feel right letting them have free rein.

  Plus, she was still engaged to Fedor.

  She put that thought out of her mind. That was just a technicality. He’d ended their engagement the minute he raised his hand to her.

  “Of course,” he said smoothly, stepping to the side so she could pass. “I picked up your book and planner.” He held them up. “I thought you might want them.”

  “Thanks.” She moved toward him to take them at the same time he did and her chest brushed his. She jumped back and he reached to steady her, grazing her bare thigh.

  Her flesh burned and shivered at the contact and she closed her eyes briefly as pangs shot through her.

  God, if that’s how it feels when he accidently touches me, how good will it feel when he does it for real?

  Her eyes opened wide and she swallowed.

  What am I thinking?

  “That was very thoughtful,” she mumbled, retreating into the safety of the bedroom. “I didn’t even think about it.”

  She wasn’t surprised that he did, though, because that’s the sort of man he was—kind and thoughtful.

  “I’ll put them in the living room,” he said, his dark eyes raking over her, like he was having similarly wicked thoughts.

  Don’t be silly, Ginny. He barely touched you. It takes more than that to get a reaction from a man like Tony.

  Then, as if proving her point about how thoughtful he was, he closed the door behind her so she could have privacy when she changed.

  She took several cleansing breaths, though it did nothing to calm her system. She’d just have to get used to her heart beating rapidly when Tony was around.

  The suitcase was sitting on the bench at the end of the bed and it was already open. She picked through the clothes, pulling out yoga pants and a T-shirt. At the bottom, she found a wad of panties and several bras.

  She gasped, putting her hand over her mouth. She closed her eyes and groaned. She hadn’t even thought about it, but of course he’d have to pack her underwear. She frantically pawed through what he brought, hoping it was her nicer stuff. Thank God there was none of her ratty stuff she wore on laundry days or for working out.

  She quickly pulled on her clothes and took her toiletries to the bathroom, tucking them neatly away under the sink.

  Tony was standing in the living room when she returned and he seemed to have just stopped pacing. He’d undone the top few bottoms of his shirt and rolled up his sleeves. He looked agitated.

  Shit. She was already wearing out her welcome. Maybe she shouldn’t have taken liberties in his kitchen. Baking soothed her nerves and she’d thought he might enjoy some cookies, but perhaps not. Perhaps she was making herself too much at home.

  Shit, shit, shit. What would she do if Tony asked her to leave? Where would she go? She couldn’t impose on any of the friends she had in the area—they had families, some with small children. She couldn’t bring this mess to their doorstep.

  But she’d done that to Tony.

  Guilt struck her with a pang that was almost painful.

  Along with the guilt came a squeezing of her heart. Here she’d been mooning over him like a fool when her presence was bothersome. Had she completely imagined their connection?

  If she had to, she’d check into a hotel. It would drain the little savings she had, but she couldn’t drag anyone else into this.

  But she liked being here. Despite having not talked to Tony for years, except for the few times over the past few weeks, it felt like almost no time had passed since they’d seen each other nearly every day. She was comfortable with him—she felt safe—and she’d thought he wanted her around. Yet now she wasn’t so sure.

  “I hope it was okay that I made cookies,” she said tentatively. “I should have asked first, but I didn’t want to bother you at work.”

  “No, it’s fine.” He swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down.

  “And I pulled out some chicken I found in the freezer. I thought I could make it for dinner,” she rushed on, “but if you don’t want that—”

  Tony closed the distance between them and put his hands on her shoulders. “Relax. I’m glad you’re making yourself at home.”

  The tenderness in his eyes told her this was true, that he wanted her here as much as she wanted to be here. She almost let out a little laugh. She’d gone completely mental, doubting everything. Tony didn’t bullshit. She should know better than to doubt his sincerity.

  The skin on her arms burned beneath her shirt where he touched her, a
nd she wondered what it might feel like to have his hands on her—all over her—with nothing separating them.

  She didn’t want to wonder anymore—she wanted to know. Despite the trust she had in him, it scared her a little. Because once she gave herself to him, there would be no going back for her.

  “Okay,” she whispered.

  She licked her lips, staring up at him. His brown eyes darkened, and she noticed a fleck of green in the right one but not the left. How had she never noticed that? Maybe because she’d never been so wrapped up in his gaze before. Seconds ticked by before he released her. Disappointment cascaded through her as she took a step back.

  Don’t be stupid. What do you expect?

  “Do you need help with anything?” he asked.

  She blinked, not realizing at first what he was referring to. “Dinner,” she said, “with dinner. Um, no, I think I’ve got it covered. But you can keep me company if you want.”

  She held her breath, waiting for his answer.

  “Sure,” he said easily. “Just let me change.”

  Irrational joy filled her and she hurried into the kitchen to take the cookies off the tray and put a new batch in. A few minutes later, Tony joined her, grabbing a beer out of the fridge and sitting on a bar stool at the counter.

  Ginny placed a cookie on a napkin, then thought better of it, adding two more. She set them down in front of him.

  “Before you start with that beer, do you want some milk?” she asked.

  “Milk?”

  “Well, yeah. Milk goes best with cookies.”

  His lips stretched into a lazy grin and Ginny could easily imagine him as the boy he used to be, coming home after school to a snack of milk and cookies.

  She had no idea if he’d even done that as a kid. She was projecting. Her mother used to bake cookies at least once a week for her and her sister. It stopped when they got to middle school, except when one of them came home with a broken heart. Then her mom would whip out the mixer and her stash of chocolate chips. To this day, the smell of fresh-baked cookies comforted her. Totally cliché, but she didn’t care. It worked.

  Ginny took his smile to be a yes, so she poured him a glass and got one for herself as well. She dunked the still-warm cookie into the milk and took a bite, closing her eyes as she chewed. Man, that was good. Almost enough to take her mind off the sexy man sitting in front of her. Almost, but not quite.

  When she opened her eyes, Tony was staring at her, cookie in hand.

  “What?” A blush rose to her cheeks. She felt exposed, as if he had read her thoughts.

  “Nothing.” Then he shoved a whole cookie into his mouth. A second later, he closed his eyes, and she couldn’t help but smirk.

  When he rubbed his stomach and let out a soft moan, the smirk fell off her face and heat pooled in her belly. It shouldn’t be allowed for a man to radiate pure sex when eating a cookie.

  He opened his eyes. “In all the years we’ve known each other, how come you’ve never made me those? You’ve been holding out.”

  Holding out . . . his choice of words struck her as humorous. It was a very good thing he couldn’t read her thoughts of late.

  “Didn’t your mom ever bake you cookies when you were a kid?”

  “Yes, but they weren’t like these,” he replied, then winced. “But if you ever tell her that, I’ll deny it.”

  “Don’t worry,” Ginny teased. “Your secret is safe with me.”

  “Seriously, what did you put in these?”

  “Flour, sugar, chocolate chips . . . the usual stuff.”

  “I would tell you to leave me the recipe, but I think we both know that wouldn’t do me any good.”

  “It’s really not hard,” Ginny said. The timer went off and she stepped over to the oven to pull out the next batch. “You just follow the directions.”

  Tony chuckled. “Haven’t you heard that men aren’t good at following directions?”

  “I thought they didn’t ask for directions.”

  “That, too.”

  Ginny lightly slid the spatula under the warm cookies to see if she could get them off the cookie sheet without them smashing up. She normally let them cool for a few minutes first, but she needed to get started on dinner.

  “If I have time, I can bake you a batch to freeze. They’re almost as good as fresh-baked when you thaw them.”

  “Or you could just come over and make them,” Tony said. He popped another cookie into his mouth and closed his eyes again, letting out another moan.

  Ginny nearly dropped the last cookie off the spatula. If Tony did that every time he ate her cookies, she’d make them for him anytime. Holy shit, the man was hot anyway, but that? It was almost enough to make her have an orgasm right there.

  She peered at him suspiciously, wondering if he was aware of the effect he had. No, she didn’t think so. Or else he was really good at playing it off.

  And what did he mean by “she could come over”? Was he implying—

  Nope, stop it right there. It was probably just an innocent comment. No need to dissect it and read things into it. She was enjoying spending time with Tony. That would have to be enough for now.

  She scraped the last of the batter onto a spoon and held it out for him. “Here.”

  He took it greedily while she ran her finger along the inside of the bowl and licked the dough off her finger. Tony’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he stood so his hand could fit down to silence it.

  “If you need to take that, it’s okay,” she said.

  “It’s just work,” Tony said. “It can wait.”

  “Really,” Ginny insisted. “You don’t have to babysit me. You’re doing so much already just by letting me stay here. I don’t want to disrupt your life any more than I already have.”

  “Some disruptions are good,” he said, his eyes darkening. “I’m inclined to think you’re one of those.”

  Her breath caught and for a moment she forgot to breathe.

  Then she turned her back to him to pull the chicken out of the refrigerator. She didn’t know how to respond to that, but his comment made her remember that if she pulled him too deep into this mess with Fedor, his life could be permanently and seriously disrupted. But knowing him, he wouldn’t step aside until it was over.

  Would he still think she was a good disruption when it was all said and done?

  * * *

  When the phone rang again, Tony stepped out of the kitchen to take Phil’s call. He’d left a message for him after he’d dropped the package off at the post office, but he wanted confirmation that Phil was aware of the package coming his way. It was too valuable to leave to chance. Hopefully after Phil examined that pill, he’d get some answers.

  But that wasn’t going to happen today, so he turned off his phone after he ended the call. He didn’t want any more interruptions of his time with Ginny.

  He was thrilled to have her here. Granted, he wished the circumstances were better, but for tonight at least, he wanted their problems to fade into the background. Lord knew they’d be waiting for them in the morning.

  Back in the kitchen, Ginny was setting the bar counter with plates and cutlery, also using navy and maroon striped placemats he had no idea he even owned. Probably a gift from his mother.

  He leaned on the door frame and watched her. Her feet were bare, her toes painted a vibrant purple. When she’d been wearing nothing but his shirt, he hadn’t noticed that. He’d been a little distracted by the rest of her.

  But now it made him smile.

  She looked over at him. “I hope this is okay. There’s just two of us, so it seemed silly to set the dining table.”

  “This is where I usually eat,” Tony said. It was normally just him, though. He’d had brief relationships with women in the past few years, but none of them had gotten to that comfortable level that they cooked and ate together in his apartment. He’d kept all of them at arm’s length. He’d needed to in order to keep the MMA part of his life hidden, but besides
that, he hadn’t been interested in getting any closer. None of the relationships lasted long.

  No big loss to him. He’d never felt anything but passing affection for those women and he’d never made any promises.

  That’s where Ginny was already different—he’d promise her the moon if she’d asked it of him. That should scare the fuck out of him, but it didn’t. He wanted her and when he knew what he wanted, he didn’t hesitate or hold back.

  Which made their current situation all the more difficult.

  She stirred things inside him. His instinct was to act on them immediately, but he didn’t want to rush headstrong into things. She needed to be ready for what was going to happen between them. Because for him, this was it. She was it. And he wouldn’t risk her running away from him again.

  So even though she made him want to say to hell with dinner and take her into the bedroom, to learn every inch of her body, he would tamp that down.

  For now.

  Ginny plated the food—some kind of heavenly smelling chicken with mushrooms, sautéed carrots, and salad—and set their plates out. It was probably the nicest meal that had ever been cooked in his apartment. Despite his kitchen being well stocked, his cooking skills were lacking. He either ordered meals from the same service or else cooked his food in the most basic way possible, which meant it was bland as shit.

  “This looks great,” Tony said. “Between this and the cookies, you’re spoiling me. I’m never going to want to let you go.”

  Ginny started, looking at him with wide eyes, before taking the seat next to him. He couldn’t read her reaction.

  Shit. Had his comment sounded creepy, like he was keeping her trapped or something? He didn’t want to let her go, but that was beside the point. He needed to rein it in. While he wasn’t intimidated by the intensity of his feelings for her, she might be. He wasn’t normally a heart-on-his-sleeve kind of guy, but Ginny brought it out in him.

  Tony took a bite of chicken, chewing slowly to savor the flavor. “This is delicious.”