Wicked Bartender PG-13 Version

by KuroKoneko Kamen

  ***

  Dante left the real estate agency and headed back to his new apartment building in South Bronx. He took out his keys and opened the front door. First things first, he needed to exorcise the place of the evil spirits and ghosts. Dante used his remaining demonic power that had been garnered from Mr. Milton’s fear to summon his great sword. It materialized in his right hand. Dante’s sword began to pulse and glow with a red-tinged aura. A wraith floated past Dante. The creature was nothing more than a dark shadow with a gaping hole for its mouth and hollow eye sockets. Dante attacked, jabbing his sword into the creature and it shrieked in pain before it disintegrated into nothingness. Dante smirked. All too easy.

  Dante went from floor to floor and hunted down all of the evil spirits, ghosts and wraiths that were haunting the place and destroyed them mercilessly one by one. He would have actually preferred living in a haunted building all by himself, but…the point of all this was that he was supposed to be living like a human. He also happened to be curious about what that would be like. Yes, he had plans for the apartment building. His lip twitched at the amusing thought.

  Dante swung his glowing great sword through the air and sliced through evil spirit after evil spirit until sweat was beading on Dante’s brow. His demonic energy was being drained. Once he was finished with the exorcism he would have no demonic power left. He almost pouted at the thought.

  After several hours, Dante had finally managed to rid the place of every single evil spirit, wraith, and lesser demon. It was strange that so many evil spirits had been attracted to one particular place…but no matter. Dante chose an apartment on the top floor as his own. Since he was going to be the new landlord it was only right that he had dibs. He made his way into his new bedroom and used the last of his power to send his great sword to a pocket dimension. This was a little bit risky since the pocket dimension needed a lot of demonic power to open, but his sword would be safer there. If it fell into the hands of one of these weak-willed humans chaos would soon follow.

  The apartment’s layout was pretty standard with a foyer leading into a living room and open kitchen area. Towards the back of the apartment the bedroom and bathroom were located. There was also an empty room that Dante figured he could probably turn into his training room. Just because he wasn’t leading a demonic army anytime soon didn’t meant that he could let himself get out of shape.

  The interior was covered in a thin layer of dust. There was some old furniture, and appliances that the previous residents had simply opted to leave behind. They probably thought the items had been cursed by the ghosts, or some such nonsense. Cobwebs hung from the ceiling here and there. He scowled when he realized he would have to clean those cobwebs by hand. He hadn’t cleaned anything since…well, never to be honest. That’s what servants were for after all. Ah, if Lucifer could see him now he’d be laughing his butt off.

  As images of his castle bustling with servants and butlers to cater to his every whim filled his mind, Dante’s lip curled with disgust as his eyes roved his new place of residence. “It’s a hovel.” The demon Duke couldn’t help but remember his private bedchamber in Hell with its huge, canopied, four-poster bed and blood-red silken sheets. Red was Dante’s favorite color. Sandalwood incense was always burning throughout his castle to mask the scents of rotting flesh, decay, sulfur and smoke that wafted through the windows. The heat inside of his castle was staggering but he’d gotten used to it.

  In comparison, it was extremely cold up on the surface (aka Earth)…but it was also already the beginning of November. The human world had things called ‘seasons’. Dante had already witnessed this before five hundred and eighty-four years ago. He’d seen how the Earth would change. The trees would begin to die, their leaves changing color in the most magnificent way. Fall in France had been really beautiful. He could still picture the trees with their orange, red and yellow leaves in his mind. Each leaf had been like a mini painting. Dante had always liked art.

  But Dante knew that the weather would only grow colder and colder. It was a horrible time of year. Dante hated the cold. His blood had thinned living in a place as hot as Hell. But he planned to grin and bear it. He was a demon Duke after all. There was no use moaning and groaning about the fact that the lesser demon had not opted to awaken him during the summer. Maybe he could stick his head inside of the appliance called an ‘oven’ every once in a while. Ah, it would remind him of home.

  Dante reached out and wiped away a spider’s web. The filmy substance was on his fingers. Disgusted, he wiped his hand off on his suit pants. He decided he’d worry about the filthy state of his apartment later. First, he needed to return to Central Park and speak with Fred. Dante left the building and made his way to Central Park. He entered the park and began to search around for Fred. He found the homeless man sleeping inside of a small, pitched up tent. Fred was snoring loudly. “Zzzz.”

  Dante kicked Fred unceremoniously awake by sending his boot crashing into the man’s side. “Awaken immediately, old man. I need to speak with you.”

  “Ugh…five more minutes, mum.” Fred groaned as he rolled over and put his back to Dante.

  Dante’s jaw popped in irritation. “I’m not your mother. Get up, foolish human.” The demon kicked Fred’s bum, hard.

  “Ow! Hey! Alright already, I’m up, I’m up.” Fred complained as he rubbed his sore butt and turned to face Dante with a grumpy expression on his face. “What is it, kid? Do you need your clothes? Did you find a place to stay? If not, you’re welcome to stay here with us.” Fred offered amiably, “I know it’s not much but I can find a tent for you somewhere.” He was already looking around the camp.

  Dante stared at this strange human for a moment. It was odd that the man was being so nice to him when he obviously had nothing to gain from it. It made no sense. It also made Dante feel guilty that he’d been thinking about killing all these people when the Apocalypse began. This also surprised Dante since he’d never really experienced the sensation of guilt before. “Why are you being nice to me, old man?” Dante gave the man a suspicious look. “What do you think you’ll get out of it?”

  The old man blinked and shrugged. “Get out of it? Nothing, I guess. It’s just…you remind me a little of myself when I was young. So full of potential and promise. Everyone has their ups and downs. I know you’ll get back on your feet and become an incredible bartender, Dante. I just want to see that. See one of us make our dreams come true. That’s all.”

  Dante stared at the old man. Fred thought he resembled a younger version of himself? How preposterous. Dante was a demon, but he found himself oddly…touched by the old man’s words. Did he want to be accepted by a human? How absurd.

  “I see.” Dante finally nodded. “By the way, I purchased a building - an old apartment building. I’m the new landlord.”

  Fred’s eyes widened and he gave Dante an impressed look. “Wow…I didn’t know you were so-” Fred cut himself off, coughing into his hand, and smiled at Dante instead. “Congrats, kid. You’ll be able to make good money by renting the apartments out. Good for you.” Even though Fred was smiling Dante noticed that the human sounded sad. “I guess I don’t really need to worry about you after all. You seem to have things under control.” Fred grabbed the Armani shopping bag, crawled out of his tent, stood up, and handed Dante the bag. “Here you go, kid. I guess this is goodbye.”

  The man was looking rather crestfallen and this mystified Dante. Why would the human care about him? Worry about him? They barely knew each other. Again, it made no sense. “Why do you look sad, old man?”

  “Ah, you noticed? I guess I’d never make a good poker player, that’s for sure!” Fred scratched his head embarrassingly. “I guess, I’m just going to miss you. It’ll be kind of lonely without you around. You made this place…lively.”

  Lively? Dante raised an eyebrow at that. “Did I? How strange…but you’re wrong, old man. I still need your help. In fact, I want all of you to help me.”

>   “Oh? How?” Fred gave Dante a curious look.

  “I want everyone here to move into my apartment building.” The demon said simply.

  Fred frowned. “But Dante…you know we can’t afford something like that.”

  Dante shook his head. “I would charge…let’s say a dollar per month. Would that work?”

  Fred gawked at Dante and took a step back. “We’d basically be living there for free.” Fred’s voice was tinged with awe. He obviously liked the idea but then his expression fell and he gave Dante a suspicious look. “What’s the catch?”

  Dante smiled. “Everyone must ignore any strange…happenings. I have several powerful enemies. They may come after me. And I may have no choice but to fight them. I give you my word that I will protect everyone in the apartment building, but I need all of you as my cover that I am a normal human, er, person.”

  Fred gave Dante a pensive look. Just what did this young man get himself involved in, I wonder? Drugs? Weapons trafficking? The mafia? But it seems like whatever he was involved in he wants to turn over a new leaf. Start over with a fresh slate, and why not? Everyone deserves a second chance. Fred eventually nodded. “Alright…I get it. That’s very generous of you, Dante. Are you sure we all won’t just be in your way? It would be more profitable to have paying tenants.”

  Dante shook his head. “I rather be surrounded by all of you in my home instead of some random humans, er, people I cannot trust. You all gave me food, shelter, and a place to stay when I had nothing. Now I can pay you all back.”

  The corners of Fred’s lips dipped into a frown. “We weren’t nice to you to get paid back.” The old said with a huff as he crossed his arms over his chest.

  Dante chuckled in amusement and his laugh was warm rather than its usual cruel tone. “I know, which is strange, and why I wish to help you all out even more. By allowing me to help all of you, you all will actually be helping me. A fair trade, I think. Also, I need a consultant about this world, er, country, Fred. It is so different from He- er, France.” The demon faltered over his last words.

  Fred nodded knowingly. “I understand, kid. You don’t need to say more. We’ll have your back.” The old man grinned broadly revealing the gaps in his teeth. “I’ll have to tell my wife the good news!”

  “Wife?” Dante raised an eyebrow at Fred and looked surprised.

  “Yea, Hilda is my wifey.” Fred informed Dante with an expectant look on his face as if the demon should have figured this out already. “Though she likes to forget that fact since I’m nothing but a deadbeat loser now.”

  Dante’s lip twitched. “I see. Perhaps…you will no longer be a deadbeat loser.”

  “Ha! That’ll be the day. I’ll go tell everyone the good news!” Fred rushed off to eagerly inform all of the homeless people, who were currently living in Central Park, of Dante’s good fortune. Fred also explained to them how the young man had purchased an apartment building, and wanted them to all live there for ‘almost free’ aka one dollar per month. At first, a heavy silence had descended upon everyone. They hadn’t known how to react to the news or the offer. But then again, they realized what did they have to lose? The answer to that was simple: nothing. That’s why they quickly became enthusiastic about the idea.

  Hilda put a hand on her hip and was giving her husband Fred a skeptical look. For all she knew Fred could have been drinking heavily again and he was having one of his delusions. “What’s the catch? Is he a human trafficker or something?”

  Fred let out a heavy sigh and looked over at Dante who was standing several feet away from them. “Apparently Dante has made some dangerous enemies that might come after him. They’re from France…maybe they’re assassins or spies or something. Anyways, we’re supposed to just look the other way if a fight goes down.”

  “Crazy French mafia.” “Do the French even have mafia?” “Hell if I know.” “French spies more likely…or French terrorists!” The homeless people began to enthusiastically speculate on who Dante’s enemies were.

  Dante could hear everything the humans were saying and was forced to hide a smile behind his hand. The humans were coming up with a better cover story for himself than he would have been able to come up with on his own.

  Hilda let out a huff. “Well, it’s not like our lives aren’t in danger everyday anyways. And with winter approaching only about half of us would have made it, so what do we have to lose?”

  “What do you all say, everyone?” Fred asked loudly.

  “Yea! We’ll go!” “Count me in!” “Dante is a great guy!” “Yea, thank God for Dante!” “Heaven sent Dante to help us!” “He’s an angel.”

  Fred gave everyone a curious look at that. Angel, huh? I wonder.

  Angel? Dante’s eyes twinkled in amusement. These humans were quite funny. And awful judges of character!

  Fred walked over to tell Dante everyone’s decision. “Everyone has agreed to go with you, Dante.”

  Dante nodded. He’d already heard everything. “Good. Tell everyone to pack up their belongings and follow me. We leave immediately.”

  Fred blinked at Dante in surprise before he gave the demon a salute. “Aye, aye, sir!” Fred hobbled off to tell the others Dante’s instructions.

  Dante made himself comfortable on a park bench and watched as the homeless people (or rather former homeless people) began to pack up their meager belongings and tents. There were mostly elderly people, however, there were a few teenagers and even children among them. It was signs like this that made Dante recall that the Apocalypse was drawing near. Regardless, he wanted to enjoy every moment as a human that he could until that day.

  When everyone was packed and ready to go, the people began to follow Dante out of Central Park. It reminded Dante of the human fairytale ‘The Pied Piper’. He was leading the humans somewhere…and could have very well been leading them to their doom. They were certainly much too trusting. If this had occurred more than five centuries ago, Dante probably would have been leading them to their doom. Although as fate would have it he was leading them to their salvation. It was quite ironic.

  “This is it.” Dante waved his hand at the tall, seven-story, red brick building that was located in South Bronx, when they reached it. Everyone looked up at the building with wide eyes full of hope. It was strange to be inciting such an emotion in humans when really Dante had only ever incited fear or abject terror.

  Fred let out a whistle. Hilda was at his side with a wide smile on her face. She even had her arm looped through Fred’s, Dante noticed.

  “The rent will technically be one dollar per month.” Dante explained to the group of humans. “Otherwise this wouldn’t be legal. Is that alright, Fred?”

  Fred nodded. “That should be just fine. Thank you, Dante. You’re going to help a lot of these people get back on their feet, and maybe afterwards they’ll even be able to pay you the rent you deserve.”

  Dante waved his hand dismissively through the air. Money was truly no object to him anyways. But if he was truly going to blend in with the humans it would be better to earn it just like everyone else. It would be a valuable experience. If they could do it, he could do it. “Everyone can feel free to pick out whatever apartment they wish to stay in. You all can also keep whatever furniture and appliances were left behind by the previous tenants.”

  “Hey, I know this place.” A skinny teenaged boy with shaggy, orange-brown hair and wide brown eyes that had dark circles beneath them spoke up in a tremulous voice. “Isn’t it supposed to be haunted?”

  A cat-that-ate-the-canary smile formed on Dante’s lips. “Not to worry, young one, the ghosts have all been taken care of.”

  The teen blinked at Dante in confusion, but Dante’s confidence seemed to assuage his fears. He was soon smiling tremulously back at the demon. Dante couldn’t help but notice the boy’s hollowed cheeks and skinny physique.

  Fred gave Dante a searching look. “Are you a priest or a mafia heir? I’m confused.
”

  Dante let out a bark of laughter at that. “I wonder!” Amusing humans indeed.

  The group entered the apartment building, and began to inspect the various floors as well as the available apartments before choosing the ones they wanted to live in. After everyone had selected an apartment they immediately began to clean them.

  Humans. Dante shook his head as he returned to his own apartment. He sighed heavily as he entered and looked around at all the work he had to do. He’d never done something as humble as housecleaning before and was reluctant to do it. He was incredibly tempted to summon his demon butler from Hell, but…then Lucifer would know where he was. For the time being he wanted to stay under Lucifer’s radar.

  Just as Dante was starting to clean, there was knock on his door. Curious, Dante approached the door and opened it to see Fred, Hilda and some of the others. “Yes?” Dante asked warily, noticing the smiles on their faces. In Hell when a demon smiled it was never a good thing and bloodshed and screams were soon to follow.

  Hilda held up a cleaning bucket and a mop while Fred held up a can of Scrubbing Bubbles. “To show you our appreciation for everything you’ve done for us, please allow us to help clean your apartment.” Hilda insisted with an eager look on her face.

  He tried not to look too happy with this turn of events. Dante shrugged in a careless manner. “As you wish.”

  Fred chuckled since to him the young man’s relief was obvious, even to him. “That was easier than I thought it would be. Don’t like to clean, aye Dante?” The old man teased.

  Busted. “No. I’ve just never done it before.” Dante drawled casually.

  Hilda laughed. “That’s a young mafia boss for you!” She rolled up her sleeves. “Alright let’s get to work everyone! I want this place swept, mopped and dusted until it sparkles!”

  “Yea!” The others cried out in agreement and held up their own mops and brooms.

  Suddenly, Dante was reminded of a time when he’d been greatly injured, had somehow lost his horse and ended up too close to a human village. The French villagers had roused together and chased Dante through the woods with pitchforks, blazing torches and swords held high in their hands. He shuddered at the remembrance. It had felt pathetic to be running from a group of mere humans at the time, but he’d pushed himself too far during the battle where he’d gotten wounded. “Mafia boss?” Dante echoed and shook his head to dispel it of his dark thoughts.

  Fred laughed nervously. “Don’t worry, Dante, your secret is safe with us.”

  Dante gave Fred a bemused look as he walked over to the couch and reclined upon it. “Indeed.” Even though the couch was in tatters he still managed to look like some kind of deposed prince.

  It took several hours for Hilda, Fred and the others to clean Dante’s apartment. Afterwards, they cooked dinner using his kitchen without his permission (not that he really minded). Fred watched the women in the kitchen and a twinkle came to his eyes. “This looks like it’s going to be a party. And what every party needs is a spiked punch bowl. Do you remember the recipe for a Long Island Iced Tea, Dante?” Fred asked the demon.

  Dante nodded. “Yes. Long Island Iced Tea. Fill a cocktail shaker with ice. Pour one ounce of vodka, one ounce of gin, one ounce of white rum, one ounce of white tequila, a half an ounce of Triple Sec and the juice of two squeezed lemons into the shaker. Cover and shake vigorously to combine and chill. Pour the mixture, ice and all, into two glasses and top off with coca-cola. Garnish with lemon wedges.”

  “Well done.” Fred gave Dante a proud look. “Now I’m going to teach you how to make Jungle Juice Long Island Iced Tea! A bartender called Tipsy Bartender came up with this recipe. First we need a large punch bowl.” Fred went over and found a large glass bowl in one of the cabinets and carried it over to the kitchen island before setting it down. “Now, slice two oranges and place the slices inside of the punch bowl.” Fred explained as he sliced the oranges and placed them into the bowl. “Next put one bag of ice into the bowl.” Fred dumped an entire bag of ice into the punch bowl.

  “Now for the fun part, add an entire bottle of orange vodka, a bottle of gin, a bottle of triple sec, a bottle of Bacardi white rum, a bottle of tequila, an entire carton of lemonade, a carton of pink lemonade, a small bottle of orange juice, and to keep things authentic a couple of cans of coca cola!” Fred began to pick up the various bottles of alcohol and simple began to empty them out into the punch bowl. Steam rose up from the ice as Fred poured the alcohol into the bowl.

  “Whoo! Fred what are you doing, man?” “That looks totally wicked!” A couple of young men cheered Fred on.

  Hilda caught sight of what Fred was doing and her lips thinned into a grim line. “Fred! Just what do you think you’re doing? That is a month’s supply of booze for the entire community. You can’t just waste it all in one go like that.”

  “Don’t be such a bah humbug, woman!” Fred argued as he continued to pour another bottle into the punch bowl. “This is a party. A celebration. And we haven’t had a reason to celebrate…in like forever. We have a roof over our heads for the winter. Tell me that isn’t cause for celebration?” Fred gave Hilda an expectant look.

  Hilda sighed. “I suppose you’re right…alright fine. Waste all our booze. What do I care?”

  “Yea! Pour! Pour! Pour!” The humans chanted as Fred made the drink.

  Dante had to admit the drink looked like it was going to be incredibly strong. It might even have the ability to make even him tipsy. After the coca-cola was added the drink was completed, the entire mixture was stirred, and Fred began to serve everyone glasses. Once everyone had a glass in hand Fred raised his glass into the air. “To Dante!”

  “To Dante!” Everyone echoed.

  Dante’s eyes widened at the humans in surprise, and a strange warm feeling washed through him. He took a gulp of the drink and his eyes widened even more. It was incredibly strong! “Good.” He said and everyone started laughing for some reason.

  After that everyone gathered around the dinning room table and Hilda served them plates of food. Dante had taken the largest dinning room table that had been left behind in the apartment building as his own. Dante ate slowly and pensively while surrounded by smiling and chattering humans. The food was surprisingly good and Fred had helped to prepare it. The food was met with several compliments, and Fred was happy to get the chance to tell everyone about how he used to own his own restaurant and how before that he’d worked as a bartender. “Tom Arnold, Sandra Bullock, Chevy Chase, Bill Cosby, Kris Kristofferson, and Bruce Willis are all former bartenders!”

  Dante had no idea who those people were, but he smiled and nodded like everyone else. He’d been surprisingly hungry. His human body was a bit of a hassle. It was strange eating among humans, but not…unpleasant. They were simple creatures, but not bad people. They had accepted him, thanked him, and helped him. The humans also seemed comfortable in his presence. He must have been doing a good job of acting human. Tomorrow he decided that he would go out into the city and try to get a job as a bartender at a pub or bar, and he would let nothing stand in his way.