by Cameron Dane
He’s not afraid of me. Nothing had terrified Garrick more than worrying that Devlin would fear the man living inside Garrick who could kill without mercy when needed. The violence that had to remain inside Garrick in order to maintain his ability to kill in case someone found him one day again. But he’s not afraid of me. Tears burned behind Garrick’s eyes, threatening to fall once more.
Garrick exhaled and then inhaled deeply as he fought through an overwhelming wave of love that pushed to burst a floodgate he was working with everything in him to keep intact. “I’m glad you became a firefighter.” He desperately needed to change the subject so he could regain his equilibrium. “You seem so comfortable in your skin now.” A smile came naturally as Garrick thought about the man with enough balls to come looking for his former lover who had denied being that. “It makes you even more attractive than you were before.”
“Thank you.” Even in the shadows, Garrick could see the pink flood Devlin’s skin. “I don’t know if I ever would have let myself go for it if we had not had that talk.” He ran his fingers down Garrick’s shoulder to his chest, and that sweet little smile appeared as he teased the tips in a circle around Garrick’s nipple. “You remember that one?”
“Yeah.” Garrick’s voice was strained as Devlin scratched his trim nails over the already-stiffened peak of Garrick’s nipple. The man brushed the pad of his thumb over the sensitized area, and Garrick grunted as his cock twitched. Not right now. He clamped a hand over Devlin’s, halting his arousing play. “I see your big brother is home too. From what Maddie says, you’re all pretty close now.”
Devlin nodded. “Aidan came back three years ago to take over as chief of the Redemption fire department. He came back for Ethan too.” Shadows suddenly filled Devlin’s eyes, putting Garrick in mind of a stormy sky. “Turns out my mother sent him away. That’s why he disappeared.”
Garrick forgot all about foreplay in a second. “I wish I could have come help you when your mother died.” He dipped down and pressed a kiss to Devlin’s shoulder, holding the connection for a moment. “I was having the tattoos removed and prepping for the new job when you called and told me she’d passed, and there was no way I could have up and left.”
“It’s all right.” Devlin dug his fingers into Garrick’s hair and moved him so they were facing one another again. “I got your sympathy card. I still have it.” The dark slate swirls continued to churn in Devlin’s eyes. “Turns out my mother wasn’t as open-minded as she claimed to be. On his graduation night, Aidan told her he was gay and in love with Ethan, and that Ethan wanted him too. He said he was so fucking happy, and her first question was if he’d ever molested me.”
Garrick’s heart stopped, and then broke for the younger Aidan. “Jesus Christ.”
Devlin’s lips pulled downward, creating harsh brackets around his mouth. “My mother held Maddie and me over his head. Told him he’d never have contact with us again if he chose Ethan and a gay lifestyle. Aidan walked away from what he had with Ethan so he could keep his relationship with us. Tough to hold a grudge against him after we found out about that.”
“But Aidan ultimately ended up with you, Maddie, and Ethan after all, so that ended well.” Garrick cupped Devlin’s cheek and rubbed his palm against the beginnings of stubble. “Right?”
Devlin reached out and duplicated the way Garrick held him. “It could end well in Redemption for you too,” he said softly, “if you decide to stay.”
The floodgate inside sprung a leak and a rush of adrenaline pumped through Garrick’s veins worse than wildfire. “With someone still possibly after me, and after I killed that guy in cold blood... I don’t know.”
Devlin clamped his hand over Garrick’s mouth. “That hired assassin who would have done the same to you.” Passion infused Devlin’s voice. “That is who you killed, Garrick, not some innocent on the street.”
Garrick pried Devlin’s hand away as the need to purge himself overtook any previous vows. “I left that man on the floor of that house and I ran. I had nothing but the cash I had stashed in the house. I trusted Joe--he was my FBI handler--but it was obvious to me that someone else in the FBI who had access to the undercover operation and my relocation status was on the take and selling us out.”
“That would be my uneducated guess.”
“I bought a disposable cell phone and placed one call to Joe. I told him what happened, and he agreed that someone on the inside was bad. He told me he would take care of it, but that he would only be able to call me one more time, so to give him a few days to put something together. During that time--I don’t even think I realized I was doing it at first--I was making my way north, to you.” He could hardly get the words out through the clog in his throat. “I didn’t know what in the hell I would do when I got here, I just knew I needed to find you.”
Devlin squeezed Garrick’s hand, and it gave strength to Garrick’s voice so he could finish this.
“Joe called me five days later. I was already hiding out in a motel on the outskirts of Redemption by then. He wired me ten thousand dollars from a dummy account; he had a new identity for me--Garrick Langley--that he trusted one person to create, someone not part of the FBI.” Hearing this surreal story aloud for the first time, when previously Garrick had lived with working things out in his head, drove the insanity of it all home for him. “Joe quietly did his magic at my crime scene too. By the time he was finished, there was a record of two dead bodies found in that home, charred from a fire that got out of control. As part of his ruse, Joe said he was going to kick up a good amount of internal fuss about one of his operatives being murdered and demand to know what the hell happened. He knew nothing would come of it. The government rarely admits to a fuck-up, but Joe figured it would make the mole believe I really was dead, along with the assassin, and that Joe was fucking pissed about it.”
Devlin had a rapt look on his face that put Garrick in mind of someone watching a terrifyingly intense thriller.
“I’m scared to ask how this Joe guy came up with another body,” Devlin said.
“Don’t know.” Garrick shrugged. “My guess is a John Doe from a morgue somewhere in DC.” He rolled onto his back and tunneled his fingers into his hair. “Shit, I don’t even know if the ruse Joe created was successful because I can’t have any further contact with him. It’s too big a risk. I can’t dig too deeply for information via the Internet, because who the hell knows who might be tracking for patterns or particular word searches? Whoever wants me dead might be tracking key words and come looking if they see enough of them strung together by one person.” He rolled his head on the pillow and met Devlin’s gaze. “I’m still close enough to Gradyn Connell in physical appearance that if I were scrutinized by someone who wants me dead, they would see through my new name and altered appearance and know who I used to be.”
“These people can do that?” Devlin now looked like he had slipped into watching a horror flick. “People can monitor random Internet activity?”
“It’s not probable,” Garrick admitted, “but it’s not impossible either. Nothing done via the web is truly secret. That’s why this is all still so up in the air.”
Devlin took Garrick’s hand and tucked it against his heart. “I’m glad that when you didn’t know where to go, you came to me.”
“Christ,” Garrick chuckled softly, “I didn’t know what the hell to do when I got here. My two marketable skills are law enforcement and mechanic, and I definitely couldn’t get back into law enforcement.” He shook his head and rolled his eyes. “You should have seen me when I walked into Corsini’s and saw the girl who was going to interview me. She didn’t have to introduce herself as Maddie Morgan; she lifted her gaze, said hello, and fuck, it was almost like looking into your eyes. I didn’t know shit about what your sister did for a living, but I knew it had to be her.”
Garrick sobered as he relived the moment he came face to face with Maddie Morgan. “Meeting your sister scared me,” he confessed. “It drove home
how unprepared I was to see you again. I didn’t know how I was going to deal with having to be a different person, on top of knowing that you would be mad as hell at me as Gradyn. I went back and forth in my head between praying that you wouldn’t recognize me, and desperately hoping that I was important enough to you that you would know it was me the second we met again.” Garrick’s heart hurt as he faced Devlin and unloaded all his heavy, crap-filled baggage on a man he wanted to have love him and admire him more than anything in this world. “I admit that I hid from you. I wanted to see you and be near you more than anything, but I was spinning from everything that had just happened, and I didn’t know if I could handle anger from you. I thought it might break me, when more than anything else I needed you to embrace me, and even to hold my hand while I got these new feet under me.”
Devlin continued to clutch Garrick’s hand, encouraging him without words. Garrick could feel the steady beat of Devlin’s heart under the connection, and Devlin’s heartbeat pumped new life into this new man, Garrick Langley.
“During this last month,” Garrick went on, “as much as I was terrified of your reaction to me, there was also this big piece of me that was terrified Joe’s cover-up wouldn’t fool anybody, and that another assassin would find me. And if he did, and if I was with you, you could be killed too.” Garrick’s core screamed a line of white-fire pain right through his being with just speaking words of losing Devlin. “You’re the only one in this whole world, other than Joe, who knows who I really am. If you had changed, and if you’d decided to be spiteful... I knew showing myself to you could expose me as a fake. You could have said my old name, and that would have brought hell down on me. Fuck,” Garrick sweat bullets right here in bed, much as he had a few days ago under that Accord, “I was not even close to prepared for you to walk into Corsini’s the other day. You didn’t even have to look at me to know who I was. One sound of my voice, and you knew it was me.”
“I would know you anywhere.” Not even a sliver of hesitation inched into Devlin’s voice. “I’m amazed I didn’t feel you the second you stepped foot in Redemption. When you pretended not to know me,” Devlin’s chin suddenly wavered, and Garrick wanted to cry for him, “I felt played for a fool all over again.”
“No.” Garrick surged forward and kissed the tremble in Devlin away. “Not a fool,” he promised. “Not you.” Chagrin burned slashes of heat across his cheeks. “What you saw is what I look like when I panic. It doesn’t happen often, but you’ve managed to see it a couple of times now.”
“I was so pissed when I walked out of the garage that day,” Devlin said. “Then the more I started thinking about it, the more I knew it couldn’t be a coincidence that you had suddenly shown up in Redemption. I became determined to find out the truth.” He quirked a brow Garrick’s way. “I drove around town and half the neighborhoods looking for your truck before I came upon you playing outside with the kids.”
“I’m so glad you did. Shawn and Chloe are important to me; Grace is too. But not in a romantic way,” Garrick added quickly. If Garrick could see himself this second, he knew his entire body would be flaming red. He faced Devlin anyway, and finished. “She knew I was gay even before I told her.”
Devlin’s brows went even higher. “Oh yeah?”
“I didn’t look at her tits enough.”
Devlin threw back his head and let loose a sharp bark of laughter. “Classic dead giveaway.”
Garrick threw himself back on his pillow. “Apparently.”
“You’re good with Shawn and Chloe. A blind man could see how much they love you.”
“I already love them too. I don’t know...” Garrick was so unused to sharing himself with people that he had a hard time formulating his thoughts. “Maybe they’re just good kids and I like them, or maybe I’m working out some absentee father issue of my own with them, but I can’t help feeling like they need me.”
Between their prone bodies, Devlin tapped his open hand against Garrick’s in a comforting rhythm. “And you need them. Grace too.”
“I don’t have my sister anymore. I can’t ever get her back. We were close before I started taking undercover assignments. Grace reminds me of her a little bit,” Garrick shared. “A fighter.”
Devlin stopped toying with Garrick’s hand and linked their fingers together instead. “I’m so sorry you can never have them in your life again.”
“Me too.” Garrick’s emotions swayed the pendulum again, and he fought the wetness that wanted to fall. “I knew the risks when I started taking undercover assignments. On an intellectual level, I knew I might have to change my identity, lose my family, and start over again on my own. But when you’re young and filled up with your own talent, the potential lifelong sacrifices don’t quite penetrate your brain. There’s a part of you that thinks you’re invincible. And in truth, to do that kind of work, you have to believe you are indestructible, or you’ll get made. It gives you the swagger to step into a dragon’s den and believe you can slay them.” He turned his head and latched onto the comfort of Devlin’s presence beside him in bed. “It also blinds you to the long-term consequences of a case going bad. It was my choice to do the job. My only regret is that my family is mourning someone who isn’t really dead,” his voice cracked, “and I can’t do anything to make it better for them.”
“Oh, baby.” Devlin rolled himself into Garrick and tugged him close. “You’ve been living so many different lives for so long that it must be tough to know who you really are anymore.”
“I know myself when I’m around you.” Garrick held Devlin’s face. He pulled it so close his lips snagged on Devlin’s with each guttural word he confessed. “Your presence settles something inside me. I can feel the instincts and the ingrained things that Gradyn Connell understood and believed in still alive in me when I talk to you. He’s in this body, with this longer hair. He has blue eyes instead of green, and he has a new job, and a different name, but his identity is still intact, and can exist because you know it too.”
The very deepest of Garrick’s fears, that he had refused to let himself examine and mourn, broke down the damaged gate inside him and roared through his being. “Otherwise, how can Gradyn ever have been real if I’m the only one who knows him, and he always has to stay inside me? He would fade away, and I don’t want to forget him.” Tears that Garrick had successfully suppressed finally won out and filled his eyes. “I don’t want to forget his family. I don’t want to forget that he was a good person.” Ugly tears streamed down Garrick’s face, and thickness coated his every word. “I don’t want to forget that Gradyn had a dog named Turbo who slept in his bed for ten years. I don’t want there to be no one who ever knows that when Gradyn was seventeen, and the dog got sick, he had to put him to sleep. I don’t want to never be able to tell anyone that Gradyn had to pretend to his buddies that he was cool about losing his dog but that he really cried himself to sleep every night for two weeks afterward, and he still gets teary if he sees a chocolate-colored Lab.”
Devlin brushed the mess of Garrick’s hair away from his face, and moisture filmed his eyes too. “You don’t want Gradyn to disappear forever as if he never existed.”
Garrick heaved an uneven breath. “I know I need to but--”
Devlin stopped him with a kiss. “You don’t need to, baby.” He touched their foreheads together, and Garrick swore he could see past the blur of pale eyes right into Devlin’s soul. “You’ll tell me stories when we’re alone, and I’ll listen. You don’t have to worry about keeping Gradyn buried so deeply all the time that you begin to question if those memories are real or figments of your imagination. It’s going to be okay. You’re safe with me.” He pressed lingering kisses to Garrick’s cheek, temple, and into his hair. “I promise.”
“Thank you.” Garrick breathed Devlin in, and the acceptance within this man made him shudder. “For everything.” Old Gradyn memories surged through Garrick. Suddenly stricken, and understanding that Devlin needed to know so he could make an i
nformed decision, Garrick said, “You have to know, I’ve killed other people, Devlin. In my old job, as Gradyn--”
“Shh, shh.” Devlin put two fingers to Garrick’s lips, and masterfully shut him up. “Save it for tomorrow. I’m not going anywhere. No matter what you tell me,” more of that strength coated Devlin’s voice, “I’m still going to love you and want you in my life. You don’t have to get it all out in one night.” He rolled onto his back and pulled Garrick with him. Devlin tucked Garrick into his side, and tilted his head back with a fistful of his hair until their gazes connected. Softness and full acceptance shone clear and bright in Devlin, turning the color of his eyes silver. “You have to be exhausted. Why don’t you try to get some sleep?”
“Yeah?” Garrick croaked the word. He didn’t think he could get another out just then.
Devlin put Garrick’s head against his chest, kissed the top of his head, and brushed his hair as he whispered in return, “Yeah.”
Maybe Garrick actually could close his eyes for more than a few minutes at a time tonight. Devlin held him so tightly, and he continually grazed his hand back and forth over Garrick’s hip and ass, soothing Garrick and settling his breathing more completely than Garrick had experienced in ... years.
He won’t leave me. He won’t spill my secrets. I can trust him with my life.
Shit.
I just did.
The truth of everything Garrick had just spilled punched him right in the chest ... and it didn’t speed up his heartbeat or make him sick to his stomach one iota.
Everything is going to be okay.
Garrick snuggled in closer to Devlin’s warmth, blanketed by their bond, and comforted himself with the steady beat of Devlin’s heart pumping under his ear. “’Night, beautiful.” He pecked a kiss to Devlin’s chest. “I’ll see you in the morning.”
Devlin squeezed him in return. “You absolutely will.”
