Crazy scenarios ran through her head, desperate attempts to try to hide the pregnancy and child. Maybe even claim the child was stillborn, but the suspicion would always be there. She would never escape it, or the spies.
It wasn't just Raufasger that had spies, other houses did too. Lorcan, no doubt, did. For all she knew, she perhaps did herself but didn't know about it. It could be some man turned up one day and imparted a whole slew of information that Torunn had tasked him to gather.
No, her secret was out and she had to readjust herself to the idea. Her plans had to change; she just didn't know what to yet. She was nowhere near having a decisive plan.
A knock sounded on the door and Ashra froze. It could only be one person who would come knocking on her door at this point. Worrying her lip, she wondered if she should pretend not to be here, put this off to some other time—maybe some time when her thoughts weren't racing madly around her head and she'd found some balance.
Then again, her worry about what was going through his mind was prominent in her head, a large chunk of the uncertainty that dogged her every step.
Moving over to the large entrance door, she took a breath and pulled it open. As expected, Lorcan stood on the other side, looking calm and collected. This might be easier if he was livid, but he wasn’t. It was rare he lost his cool and not even this seemed to ruffle his feathers.
"You've been keeping something quite important from me," he said, his eyes piercing into hers as if trying to see the honesty of her words. He didn't trust her and never had. Perhaps he was right not to. She owed him no allegiance, certainly not any that would harm her own house.
Was there any point in denying it?—claim that perhaps she didn't know it was material to him? If she claimed there was some other man in the picture, he would certainly go discover the truth. Dig, persuade and hound until he knew everything. How far he would go, she wasn't entirely sure. Did he have limits in getting what he wanted?
No, there was no point in lying, and she wouldn't feel proud of herself for being so cowardly.
"Come in," she said and stepped back.
"Yes, it does appear we have some things to talk about."
"I wouldn't go that far."
"Wouldn't you?" he said and stepped inside her apartments. It was strange having him there, as if he was intruding into her sanctuary, the place where she had felt herself safe from him. He wandered slightly, taking in the things around her. "You are carrying my child—my heir."
"No, I am carrying my child," she stated. Her mouth was dry. She hated everything about this conversation, but it had to be done.
"Are you saying I am incidental to it?" He turned and watched her, his cool blue eyes taking her in. There was always a part of her that felt she didn't have the needed defenses against him.
"Yes." Ashra met his eyes without flinching. It was time to make her position clear, even if her throat felt tight and scratchy, and all she wanted to do was push him out the door and lock everything and everyone out.
A half smile crossed his lips. "Then I guess we have found our point of contention, Lady Greve. I will very much have this child."
"You have no claim to the child. We are not married. This child is a bastard and will be a member of the House of Greve, and will remain so."
Lorcan shifted his head as if assessing her statement. "You think you can keep this child from me?"
"I know I can. Your involvement with this child is completely irrelevant."
"But then you know full well that I need an heir," he said in a lower tone.
"Not my child."
"It is the only child I have. I intend to claim it."
"Then I will fight you."
"There is no need, you know. As my heir, his future would be assured. Are you right in consigning this child to poverty, to no influence in this court and land for the rest of his life? Is that the sign of a good mother? As my heir, it wouldn't be a bastard with no place in this world."
"There is more to raising a child than wealth. As the mother of this child, it is my duty to protect it."
"Protect it from its sire, from its rightful place in the world?"
"From people who wish it harm."
"I can assure you that I would never wish this child harm."
"Could you say the same for your wife?"
He remained silent and didn't lie to her about the threat Amethyst would pose to the child. "I am more in need of this child than I am of my wife."
"Are you saying that you would rid yourself of your wife for an heir?"
"An heir is my primary priority."
"And you expect I would give my child, my child, to the most cold, calculating man in existence? I would rather the child die than to allow it to go through life without love."
His sharp eyes turned to her. Was it his turn to lie, to say he would love the child. Love was not something he professed capable of and they both knew it. The entire idea of opening herself up to him, letting herself be seduced by him seemed utter insanity now. She had been weak; she'd wanted him, even knowing he wasn't capable of love. He'd even been proud of that fact. Maybe there had been something stupid in her that believed her love would change him.
"You are clearly capable of having children. You must find some other way of having another." Even saying it, her heart ached for this poor child that would have to serve as his heir, whoever it ended up being. It would not be hers.
"It will be easier for all if you are cooperative in this."
"Well, I am not and I never will be."
"There is a great deal to gain from aligning our estates. If you insist on being irrational, we can come to a compromise. You can raise the child, love it as much as you deem it needs."
"I also have another child, the current Lord of the House of Greve."
"Who could be very powerful in conjunction with his brother." Lorcan wasn't looking her in the eye, which proved he wasn't entirely sincere. No, he was too ambitious to give such a lucrative prize as the Greve estate away. No matter his short-term intentions, eventually he would claim the estate. It had been his objective from the start, and Ashra suspected he couldn't help himself in the end. Brotherly love was not something that featured in Lorcan's life and he would have defeated his own brother for his own gain if he'd had one. Roisen was raised to fight and to do whatever it took to get ahead, to promote the interests of his family. Sharing was not part of that agenda. Winner takes all.
It was not the environment she would allow her child to be raised in. Bargaining the child's soul for wealth was not something she would consider, even as she knew Lorcan would never understand her objections.
She had to protect this child, and she had to protect Tabain. They would be raised as brothers, supporting one another. Lorcan would never comply with such a vision and agreeing to something with him would be like letting the fox into the hen house. No doubt, he would promise all sorts of things, but he couldn't change his nature.
Lorcan could see her decision and determination in her eyes. He smiled. "Then we will fight." He placed down the small statue he was holding. "Which leaves me in a bit of a quandary because I must also protect you. Physically, I cannot have anything happen to you, and my wife will definitely be a threat when she finds out. So will likely others when they learn, because they will know that your resistance will eventually crumble."
"If she or they find out."
"Eventually they will. Amethyst might be mad, but she is not stupid."
"Are you going to tell her?"
Lorcan shifted, his attention traveling to the paintings on the walls. "No," he finally said. "I have nothing to gain by telling her." That was it with him. Everything was calculated for the benefit it provided to him and his estate. He cared about nothing else. Had Amethyst been completely mad before she had been married to him, Ashra wondered. Or did his coldness create her? Even as she said it, she knew there was also something else, a craving for intimacy that he let slip only on the most rare occasions. But
she knew now that he would never give himself over to it. There was a duality to him, but the cold predator would always be the stronger part. Mostly because he believed that to be right. "You must have a guard. I will provide your food. You can't trust anything in the kitchen."
"And I should trust you instead?"
"No one is as motivated as I to ensure you and the child survive this pregnancy." His back was turned to her now and they were speaking of simple logistics. "Promise me you will trust only the food I provide you, even at the dinners and events in the citadel. You cannot trust any of it. Amethyst is a particular fan of poisons," he said bitterly, "and she will try to eliminate you."
"I can provide my own food."
"I would trust my food supply more, because I can assure it is not tampered with, even from the spies that no doubt crawl around your estate."
She hadn't considered that she couldn't trust the food from her estate. It was unlikely that Amethyst had such reach to perform sabotage on her estate, but Raufasger certainly did. Was Raufasger motivated to take Amethyst's side in this? If that was the case, she might actually need Lorcan's protection, which she seemed to have whether she wanted it or not—except when it came to him.
She was now in the curious position that he was the only thing she needed to worry about. He would keep all other threats away from her, as much as he was capable. It meant she could shore herself up against him and the claim he had to this child—a claim that wasn't legal.
Chapter 33:
* * *
Whispers followed Ashra wherever she went. Her unconfirmed pregnancy was the topic on everyone's lips, although no one was uncouth enough to blatantly ask. Not since the first day she'd shown up here had she felt quite so isolated and watched, but there was nothing she could do about it.
Hopefully, the interest in her would pass eventually. If she continued to not declare who the father was, they would stop talking at some point, surely. Or then every move she made, every person she spoke to, was now fodder for speculation. Well, this had to be borne, there was nothing else for it.
After thinking it over, she'd decided that it would only harm her if she ran away. Nothing would change. Her belly would grow and then one day a child would be born. She would keep it here for a while, nurse it until it was strong enough to be sent to the estate. The dowager Lady Greve was a kind woman and Ashra had no qualms about leaving her children in the woman's care, but she missed Tabain every single moment.
Everything felt uncertain and up in the air, but was it really so? It was time to review.
What she wanted was to spend more time at the estate with her children. It was a fairly simple goal. Everything else didn't matter. It might not seem achievable, but if she expressly knew what she wanted, she could work her way toward that. Oh, and she was absolutely not going to lose this child to Lorcan.
He perhaps understood how far she would go to protect her children. Over her dead body was she giving her child up to him, and she was prepared lose the entire estate before that happened. It wasn't her problem he needed an heir. That was his problem, and this child was not going to be raised in that environment simply because he needed someone to fulfil that role.
Pausing in front of the large, ornate door, she took a deep breath. Another evening in Raufasger's court. Giving a nod to the pages, they opened the door to the hall. There was music playing, string instruments playing slow and melodious tunes. The hall was set up with tables and chairs. There was some kind of performance on tonight.
As she entered, all eyes turned to her and the murmur of conversation quietened. Lord Wierstoke stood by one of the tables. Since Amethyst's declaration, she hadn't spoken to him and didn't know if this had impacted on their alliance. With them stealing Lorcan's land, they knew Lorcan was gunning for her, but probably not how especially motivated he was. Then again, Lorcan taking her estate would leave him stronger and more powerful, and he absolutely did not want that.
Lorcan stood on the other side of the hall, his eyes following her as she progressed into the hall. She didn't look over, not wanting to see in his eyes if he had worked out whatever leverage he was looking for to twist her arm to his bidding. His very presence emanated. She could feel his strength, but if he pressed too hard, he would lose this child completely.
Raufasger sat on his throne ahead, his eyes on her like everyone else. He clearly knew what everyone else knew. The child in her belly was a move in the game that was their existence here, and Raufasger was the wildcard, the one who could change the rules any moment he felt like it. To him, this child was really just some half caste bastard. It could be of no interest to him other than what it meant in the game and if it changed things.
Then there was Amethyst who was sniggering in the corner with Fiedra and some of the other ladies, dressed in the finest silks available. Her face was made up beautifully. It seemed she had made particular effort tonight—expecting another victory perhaps. That gleam of malice was still very much sparkling in her eye.
Out of the lot of them, she hoped at least some of them didn't mean her harm. Lorcan would not allow any physical harm to her—anything that threatened the child she carried. Wierstoke, hopefully, had concluded that keeping the alliance was the only thing he could do, or else invite Lorcan that bit closer to him. She was the buffer. Raufasger—who knew? At this point, there was no reason for him to venture in, at least not until someone made a move that changed the balance of power in the court. Balance was the key.
Wierstoke and Raufasger would want to keep the status quo. Technically, he wouldn't want Lorcan to move on Wierstoke and become even more powerful in the court. His games all revolved around the fact that no one single house was all powerful, certainly not enough to threaten his position as entrenched leader. Lorcan would have to clear Raufasger before taking her out. All this kept things in balance.
Then there was Amethyst. She was the one who would be a problem, the one who would continue to cause problems until she was dealt with. If not for her, this situation could find an equilibrium. In this game, the one with the least amount of power had the loudest voice.
Attention soon drifted away from her arrival and people started talking amongst themselves again. She wasn't actually in the mood to talk to anyone this evening. It had an express purpose, one she didn't relish but had to be done. It was also one she didn't quite know how to achieve. Somehow she needed to get Amethyst to back off.
The smell of food made her stomach lurch. Everything smelled so very intensely right now. Things she normally didn't mind turned her stomach, but just at the moment, there was little her stomach felt like tolerating—and that wasn't just the company, unfortunately.
At least with her pregnancy, everyone would understand if she retired early, which might be a small silver lining in a large, dark cloud. It might make her the topic of speculation, but it also gave her an out. Not yet, though.
Milling around the room for a while, Ashra watched Amethyst, who watched her back. It was time to deal with her, and ideally without the woman knowing all the details. Amethyst had very different expectations for how this evening would play out, and one of them would win.
Ashra couldn't help but to question if this was the right thing to do. Was she trading in a lesser evil for a worse one? It was impossible to tell.
Predictably, Amethyst approached as Ashra had left herself alone, and hence vulnerable, in Amethyst's books.
"Feeling a little under the weather?" Amethyst asked sweetly. There wasn't an ounce of kindness or sympathy in the woman's bearing.
"Actually, I am starting to feel much better," Ashra said. In a way, it was true. All the tumultuousness of the last few days was settling and she had a vision of a new equilibrium, if only Amethyst would stop causing waves.
Amethyst's eyebrows arched in surprise. "You don't seem to mind being the topic du jour. They're all wondering who the father is. Are there wedding bells in the future? That’s if you got yourself topped by an unmarried man." Ame
thyst winced, but her eyes were piercing, searching for a clue in Ashra's expression. "Thought so," she said with amusement.
"He is married, actually."
"Oops. So just a useless little bastard, then. How embarrassing." Amethyst looked pleased, because she had new gossip to divulge, and Ashra wouldn't put it past her to shout it out right now.
"But these things get very complicated."
"They're always complicated," Amethyst said with faux pity. "Especially when you make yourself look like a fool. Your late husband would be turning in his grave."
Anger seared through Ashra. This woman felt no qualms about what she'd done. "I admit, it was certainly not planned, but it has eventuated and we must all deal with it as best we can."
Amethyst stepped a little closer. "Some missteps actually sink you."
"Amethyst," Lorcan's deep voice said calmly and Amethyst looked over at him with surprise. Ashra hadn't noticed him moving closer. Whether she wanted him to or not, he was her protector.
"Some missteps have consequences for a lot of people," Ashra said.
The woman's look of triumph faltered slightly as she looked between her and Roisen. The pieces were falling into place, and it had been Lorcan himself that had initiated this by stepping in. Ashra had wanted to make allusions rather than blatant statements, but he'd rather bluntly announced that he was involved with this.
"You filthy whore," Amethyst hissed. "What exactly do you think this achieves for you?" She turned her attention to Roisen. "You think in a million years he'll grant you a divorce?" she said indicating to Raufasger. "Think again." Her attention turned back to Ashra and there was steel in her gaze, full of unbridled hatred. "You think you can threaten me, you Solmnite whore?"
Dark Court: The Summons Page 18
