When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  "O-Okay..."

  "You see em' over there?"

  (The window? this open one in the living room?)

  "I... yeah, I think, um, it looks like... some guys over there, or something, maybe three? four? they're one story below us in the building next door, just across from this one."

  (I'll take a good close look, see if I can make out what's going on... )

  "... I see them through a couple of windows near their fire escape, a guy dressed in black sitting on a desk. He has short-ish dreadlocks... darkish skin. He's watching, one? two? no... three others playing instruments and singing. They're the ones making all the noise?!"

  "Yep."

  "So it isn't?"

  "Nope."

  "I, uh... apologise."

  "Yeah, well, whatever, that's the way it goes, we have to live next to it n' all! 'ow do you think I feel?"

  (Honestly, I'm still trying not to laugh at this guy's ridiculous mono-brow... It looks like a hairy-black-caterpillar that got stuck to his head in a random gust of wind, and he just left it there 'cos he's lazy!)

  "It must be awful..."

  "Nah, well, yeah, sometimes, but it's that large fucker with the spiked mohican an' all the tattoos that's the worst! did you see 'im?"

  "Uh, yes. In all honesty though, he'd be pretty had to miss..."

  "He's pretty hard to shut up!"

  "So, they're some kind of... band?"

  "I suppose, if you'd call 'em that, the black one's only been there a while, first it was only the big fucking punk idiot, the guy with long 'air, and the short un' drumming to begin with, they was bad enough then! but since he came, all 'ell's been breakin' loose!"

  ("The black one?" ...Really?! Jesus, I'm starting to think this guy's missing a Klan rally somewhere.)

  "... Really?"

  "Yeah, I'm talkin' fights, instruments being thrown out of windows, that sorta shite."

  "Wow, really?!"

  "Yeah, I said! absolute fucking chaos! at all hours of the day. You want something done 'bout it? go talkin' to them!"

  (Fuck that, most of them look crazy!)

  "Uh, that's... alright. Anyway, looking at them, they seem to have stopped for now... no... wait a second, now some other guy is in the room with them... but he's much older looking and wearing a long green coat, and he's carrying a large black duffel bag..."

  "Yeah, well they're all fucking nutcases if you ask me, it's probably drugs."

  "Drugs?!"

  (...Probably.)

  "Yeah, people like that, druggie losers all of em."

  "Me and my girl spend nearly half the time 'ere wearing earplugs, cos' of these bastards!"

  "Oi! Mandy! c'mere! come meet th.."

  "..What's your name anyways?"

  (I don't know if I want you knowing my name. You seem like more than a bit of a twat to be honest...)

  "Uh... Jack."

  "Come meet "Jack!"

  "Mandy! Fuckin' c'mere!!"

  "...WHAT!!!"

  "Mandy! Come. Fucking. 'ERE!! NOW!!!"

  "I'm washing up... I thought..."

  *A young woman walks in from the kitchen, she looks familiar*

  "All that stuff that you... Jack?"

  "... A-Amanda?!"

  TWENTY TWO

  The school bell rings with its own distinct obnoxious timbre, two guys run down the hallway passing Amanda on either side, she continues walking nonchalantly, barely reacting to either of them, instead, she looks straight ahead as they pass her giving minimal reaction. She's clutching her green text book firmly against her chest, a crystal pendant swings side to side in the middle of her partially unbuttoned white shirt, that lies under a open navy blue school blazer.

  The two both look behind and laugh as they pass her, one of them clutches a football for dear life as they are both being hastily and poorly pursued by a shouting, sweating, overweight teacher, who is nearly completely bald save for the very top of his dome, what little left of his hair forms kind of a toilet seat look around his entire head.

  The sun shines outside, its brilliant rays shine through the school windows. Amanda walks alone down the hall towards class, her long silky black hair flows as it catches a draft from the science classroom's door as it opens, just as a teacher enters it behind her as she passes by. People watch her, mostly males, a few of the girls that are watching her, do so with obvious dislike in their eyes, as they whisper to their friends. Amanda gives any of this perceived dislike right back, in the form of a short, sharp, look of disdain.

  She passes two grinning guys cheshire catting at her as they lean on the lockers, one of them noticeably taller than the other, just as she passes by barely giving him a glance, he shouts something towards her "Hey Amanda!" he says as he furiously waves to the back of her passing head "Hi, Bill..." she replies, sighing in a matter of fact way, he continues frantically shouting and waving behind her "Uh, it's Jeff! Hey! are you still thinking about it hottie?! me an' you?!" He obviously couldn't see her as she rolled those baby blues, and so she gives a appropriately minimal response "Still thinking about it." she says as she continues walking slowly down the hall, just then, she hears the repeated sound of quick beating footsteps behind her.

  "Amanda! Hey Mandy!" the fairly attractive blond girl shouts as she closes in, frantically trying to catch up before the bell rings once again. Amanda quickly looks to her right as she notices that she's now walking directly beside her, making it harder for all the other students to pass "Sarah?! Hey, how are you!" Amanda asks with feigned concern, energy, and interest, continuing to slowly walk with "Sarah" who is now in lockstep "Going to class?" Sarah asks with practiced routine. "Yep" replies Amanda, also with routine.

  Sarah looks to her left, just after slinging her formerly hand-held school bag over her shoulder. "Did you see last night's show? those last four guys were sooo sexy wern't they?!" Sarah says, greatly overemphasizing. "Maybe, I don't remember" Amanda replies after an unsure attempt at recollecting. Sarah starts laughing to herself "Ha-ha, I saw you outside, talking" she says obnoxiously while briefly adjusting her shouldered bag, as she turns around to quickly look at the double doors that are now much further behind her, Sarah continues babbling and asking her question with the same obnoxious tone in her voice that is more than likely permanent "what is it with you and losers?" she asks, noticeably trying not to laugh.

  Amanda frowns as she looks at Sarah "what?" she asks her abrasively, as her friendly facade starts to crack slightly, Sarah shakes her head and wags a finger "don't try to deny it!" she exclaims, before continuing her recent "eyewitness account" of the "incident" I saw you outside near the tree walking away with spot-fest!" she says, now breaking out into open laughter a little. Amanda continues looking at her, frowning "who?" she asks mildly annoyed. Sarah's laugh turns into a giggle "oh you know, the king of the nerds!" Amanda cuts her off, probably before she goes to far "Dale? and he's not!..." Sarah begins talking over Amanda using her patented "bitchy reverse cut off™" technique. "I'm kidding! honestly!" she says, sarcastically contradicting herself before she continues inconsequentially prattling on.

  "Anyway who was that other guy?" Sarah continues "at least HE was cute! again weird! but cute!" she grins to herself. Amanda thinks for a brief second. "Hmm, well he said his name was Jack... sort of" she says unsure. Sarah looks confused "Sort of?!" are you sure you heard him right? and he wasn't just saying "Oh, Amanda PLEASE will you "Jack" me off!" Sarah says using her patented "bitch™" technique. Amanda senses this, and tries to call her out for trademark infringement on behalf of bitchy women everywhere. "God Sarah, you're such a bitch!" she says angrily, Sarah confirms ownership "You know it! So, who are you going with?" Sarah asks while looking Amanda in the eyes, carefully.

  Amanda tries to avoid her gaze, instead looking straight ahead, and trying to speak with conviction "Not this again! I told you already I don't know, I may not even go to the prom, I may just stay home and read." Sarah's eyes roll as if by reflex. "... Sure you will! wh
at-ever! you know you'll be there! and I'll be there as well ready to upstage you!" Amanda tries hard to ignore her, instead simply saying "Class" as she walks through the fully wedged open door to the room, Sarah sarcastically waves goodbye "See ya" she says before giving a sly middle finger directed towards Amanda's back, before turning around to run back down the hall the way she came, just as the school bell rings once again.

  It's midway through class, and half the class is giggling with laughter as some guy in the back is laying on the floor, still on his chair, his legs sticking up in the air, still dazed and confused as he slowly brings himself to his feet.

  At some point, he must have fallen asleep while leaning his chair against the wall, and the guy with red hair, freckles, and braces who's madly grinning next to him must have took it upon himself to give his chair a stealthily "nudge".

  The middle aged teacher stands in front of the noisy and unruly class, she's all brown plaid skirts, thick reading glasses and condescension. She knocks hard with her fist once on the blackboard that's filled up with various representations and diagrams to once more subjugate everyone’s attention. After looking at her hand, understatedly, she wipes the chalk on the rear of her dress as she addresses the class. "So... Shhh! Quiet! Now I know you are sick and tired of it, because we've already covered it before, but you can be sure, all this will be on the exam!" She explains with sternness, as she persists with talking to the newly-quieted students.

  "Now continuing on... so, as you can see, the electrical force exerted between two objects coincides with Newton's law of action-reaction, any force is simply a result mutual interaction and in the same sense as friction, tension, resistance are forces. Now, what causes this particular force to react?" she asks, alternating between talking to class and motioning at the board.

  She notices the pupil with his hand up, a skinny guy, Asian looking "Yes?" she asks, pointing at his risen hand, he begins to put his hand down as he answers. "Uh, energy?" he says hesitantly.

  She stops to think about what he may have meant for a second before answering "Partially correct, I suppose... but what causes this "energy" to interact then? and how does it react specifically? remember, we're talking about electrical force here" she states just an she notices the other rising hand from the girl in the front right of the class.

  "Yes, Amanda?" she says, with optimistic anticipation. Amanda puts her right hand down wearily, as she agitatedly twiddles the pen in her left, occasionally tapping it on the textbook laden desk, cautiously making sure to always pull the blazer over her wrist "Opposite electrons?" Amanda asks, as she answers somewhat confidently.

  The teacher nods hopefully "Yes, how so?" she expectantly asks once again.

  Amanda straightens herself up on her chair a little "well, two charges of the exact same nature repel, where as two charges that are unlike each other attract" she says, biting her pink-colored bottom lip after she's finished talking.

  The teacher points at Amanda "Correct!" she says before going back to addressing everyone. "Also remember, that the force actually gets weaker as the two charges get farther apart, so as you can see..."

  Amanda rest's her chin on her right hand, and begins to slouch into her chair.

  (God I'm so bored... Sarah, I'm right about her, she is such a bitch! why does she keep talking to me anyway? I'm not her friend, and you know why? because of the shit she says, like "what is it with with you and LOSERS?! Hur-huh!" Well what is it with you and no-neck assholes? Slut.

  I like Dale, and yeah, so what if he's a humongous nerd? I like him, he's funny, and he doesn't try to treat me like I'm stupid... I can't wait until next time to tell her he's one of the many guys that asked me to the prom! hee-hee. Still, I told him that I'd think about it, because honestly I wasn't lying, I don't even know if I want to go yet, let alone if I'm going. I mean, it's just some stupid dance! big whoop!

  Y'know? maybe I'll go with him, just to see the look on her face! Yeah... Fantastic! hmm, I might even fuck him afterwards too... just because I can!

  I'm so sick and tired of acting like I'm innocent or something, every guy you meet expects you to be pure as the driven snow, and then they all go crazy when they find out you're not! They're completely impossible! and if we were all so "pure" nobody would ever date, and everybody would be a permanent serial monogamist, forever and ever, Bor-ing! so because of that contradiction, most of us girls simply just ACT like we are, "pure" that is. Oh, if people only knew how filthy I am!

  What about... "cute" is he cute? "Jack" I mean. I don't know... he's weird though, I'll give her that one. Oh, who am I kidding he's cute alright! but, there's something about him... something familiar... then there's the fact that nearly every inch of him screams "leave me alone!" Wait, I know what it is! he reminds me of Dad a little... ew!)

  TWENTY THREE

  *Door slams*

  "...Hi. Wow! it's been years, how are you?! Hello, I, I'm fine.. well, sorry I'd better go... I think I left the oven on. S-See ya!"

  "Sometimes, in life, the only lesson is pain, and sometimes there is nothing but the lesson, and absolutely no reason for it!"

  "...What was she doing there?!"

  "WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?!?!"

  "I WAS ONLY EVER WANTING TO STAY OUT OF THIS WHOLE ENTIRE SHITFEST!!!!"

  "Lock your door, just.."

  "I-I can't... I... "

  "Why am I looking in the kitchen?"

  "At the knives..."

  "I have this overwhelming urge to simply stop thinking... and just pick up the large one, and then forcefully jam it into my aorta!"

  "....No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! No!! No!!! I can't!"

  "I've been through this before, over and over! It goes gunshot, jumping, then train... or a shuttle, then maybe hanging? THEN blade, and lastly overdose! and in that order!"

  "I, I said hello, apologised and then I-I just left, I walked out... Him! I knew he seemed familiar! I swear it was him! ...he doesn't recognise me?... I, I'm not surprised, he probably didn't see me. THAT'S the guy who punched Paper... I mean, Dale that day! He beat the absolute shit out of him, threw his clothes away and ruined his entire life! ...What, and now she's just living with him?! ..Living here?! HOW?!!!"

  "...That two-faced bitch! That fucking treacherous, traitorous whore!"

  "FUCK YOU!!!"

  TWENTY FOUR

  What am I doings here...

  ...I don't, I don't really mean that in a kind of Plato'ish and Aristotle-y way.... all that "why doing I exist?" crap.... Well I do, to be honest, nah... yah... No, y'know... I really do, I really, really, really, really do. Forget... this time, but I mean literally... What the hell am I dong here?

  Why am I standing on the side of the sheet?

  ...It's true, that I have spend the last couple of days drinking, heavy, heavy... Heavily. Much more heavy than normal... A lot.

  That's it! I remomber now, I'm waiting!

  Why does one wait? ...why does wait one?! why do I wait? ....for what? what am I wasted for? Nothing... yeah. No, no, it's somethin' alright, but I just don't know what it is, yet.

  Dunk, can't remomber... but I, I'll know when it gets hair, or I get there, let me tell you that!

  I wasted to come outside for some fresh air, and I feel, that I reached the point where I have had enough gin to do so... oh, and I'm waiting for a package. That's right, package for me!

  Chain-a-ton... good place, pretty lanterns, nice arcutecturezz. It smells terrible here tho, 'cos of all the junk in the alley hebind me.... Not looking again... maybe I should sit in the small bark a loss, I mean.... over the toad.

  ...What?

  Wait a minus... who's this pulling up in the back of the taxi? that looks like...

  ...It's him!! one of the weirdos from across the way! the one that was shitting down, all hush hush, and listening to the noisey, noise those others were making. There's something... somethin' not quite right about this guy...

  ...Oh well, says I, unwashed, unkempt, wearing lit
tle more than a sock and a vest, and wrapped in a quilt standing on the pavement outdoors in the middle of the fucking day...

  But then, it's all about prospective, I suppose...

  TWENTY FIVE

  ...Ow,

  Man, I gotta' get out of bed more, my back's killing me! not to mention I also have the hangover from hell...

  I don't believe it.... I still can't believe it! Amanda's here? and she's living with that, that... caveman?!

  Come to think of it, isn't it a little too "convenient" that she is here? It's like a damn conspiracy or something!