When It's Cold I'd Like to Die

by K. G. Laurence

  (I'm flat broke until I've cashed that cheque...)

  "... It's hot out here."

  (I couldn't have even come outside and sat here like this a few weeks ago.)

  "Hot? yep it sure is, just a little while ago it still felt pretty cold, you heard what they said on the weather forecast didn't you Jack? I heard it's going to be a full blown heatwave!"

  (Why am I here? what did I even come out for? to talk about the fucking weather?! I'm actually risking a broken neck to talk about the weather?)

  "...Yes. Hot."

  (You already said that you clown!)

  "They were talking about record temperatures on the TV!"

  (Look at all this stupidity...)

  "... Hello? Jack? are you listening? is, is there something wrong?"

  (What, are you blind?! yeah there's something wrong, just use your damn eyes and look around!)

  "What?! n-no it's... well, nevermind."

  "No, it's alright you can tell me, what is it?"

  "It, it's just that... I look around and everything's... changing... Changed, you know? I used to walk down this street with my father, and now I don't even know where I am anymore..."

  "What do you mean, Jack?"

  "I-I mean I'm sitting here, right? watching people go by, a, and I can't relate to any of it... it's like I missed a meeting or something... For instance, look, over there, H-Phones! nearly everyone’s using them now."

  *Jack points to a man in a suit walking by, he's holding a small, thin, piece of black and transparent colored plastic that is seemingly bendable, the part where the screen should be is hollowed out and instead projects text and content outwards into three dimensions*

  "You mean... people's phones? Holographic tech? So, what's so special about that? ...they're only phones."

  "I know that, Amanda, but back then we were kids, we didn't have crazy technology like holographic phones! also, the world was... different. Now suddenly everyone started using them one day, and now? well, now they're everywhere! I mean, we never had this kind of stuff when we we were kids, right? we only had normal phones... Well, not that I ever owned one, I never had much reason for keeping in touch with people... they really are awful... well, uh... present company excluded, of course!"

  "It's new technology Jack, it makes things better, not worse! Learn to move with the times a little!"

  "It's not just that, it's all the other stupid things that I hate as well, and it's just another socially accepted part of this, this so-called "Generation Z".

  (God, am I hoping the letter "Z" means that it might have a chance to be the last...)

  "I don't know what it is with you Jack, I can't even begin to figure you out, *sigh* maybe, maybe you're just old before your time..."

  (What?!)

  "...What?!"

  "Maybe it's because your always so... ambivalent about everything..."

  "It, it's not me! take a look around, seriously! look at basic everyday things, like the way people choose to dress now!"

  *A partially naked young woman walks by with what little there is of her underwear showing*

  "The ones that still bother to get dressed, anyway... It's that and, and, their stupid hair! and the things they choose to pierce and tattoo! and the horrible music they listen to! that, as well as the crap they watch all the time. All this garbage that passes for "normal" now simply because everybody is shallow, sheep like, and stupid enough to smile and go along with it! ...I mean, it's all terrible... how can you not tell!"

  (The faint possibility you once had of having sex with her, is now about equal to the chance you have of seeing the Hindenburg fly again.)

  "I don't care!.. uh.. I mean, look, I know most mainstream and popularity based things have always been completely dreadful, obviously, popularity never has been, or will be a gauge of quality. Still, it's more than that, it-it's like I left a halfway decent planet behind for a while, then I came back, re-entered the atmosphere and everything's... changed... while I was away, y'know? It's like the entire word has just gone and left me behind, and decided to go totally fuckwhack insane, completely forgetting that it had any basic standards of taste and decency in the first place! or even any sanity whatsoever! ...oh, and it forgot a long, looong time ago too! Now its just given up altogether, like a retard trying to use a can opener, and has taken to cross-dressing like a cheap Thai hooker and has started smoking crack!"

  "You... you don't get outside much, do you?"

  "No, no I don't, are you even listening?! and if you're not, then have you at least looked around? Everything's a disaster!"

  "Here's another thing, look at that, that sandwich board over there... the one in front of the newsagent, well, I say "sandwich board" but in truth it's mostly just another hologram, projected on top of some kind of blue ion-charged plasma thingy, but forget that for a second... Look at the headline!"

  "Jack?"

  "Yeah, Amanda, it's ok, go ahead, just read it out loud."

  "Ok, it says "Exchange's John Moss Linked To Alleged Delegate Murder!" So? it's nothing that strange, it's just more Exchange stuff and the news is always like that nowadays."

  "Well, that's what I'm talking about Amanda, that's the problem! here's the thing, right? who the hell are "The Exchange" Wh, where did they come from? what do they want? why are they killing people, and taking over by starting big gangland style massacres on top of blowing shit up?!"

  "See, th, they just appeared one day and started doing this kind of thing all over the place, all across the city! I mean what the hell?!"

  "Jack, I know what you mean, and I know where you're coming from, but it's not just that, is it? it's the times themselves that are changing fast, and because of that... bad things can happen in general. This is all about that explosion the other month, isn't it? and because of that you're probably worried about another collapse happening, right? I know, it's ok... I was there the day of the explosion too, I was scared as well, so you're not alone."

  (Oh great! on top of everything else, now she thinks you're a complete wuss as well... Well you are, but it's still annoying, regardless.)

  "Amanda, you mean... you're talking about the Chinatown explosion? ...the murders? and, that's why you think I'm acting like this because... because I'm scared? I... yeah... *sigh* maybe you're right, I don't know, maybe. I suppose."

  "Jack, listen to me, your problem... problems, are that you think your the only one in the world WITH problems... but see, you're not. There's no point in always worrying about things, about all of the problems in the world you can't control, and can't change."

  "You see if you choose to keep on worrying, and focusing on the wrong things by being so negative all the time, then eventually you completely lose touch with others, with reality, then where are you? you become a pessimist, and then you finally lose touch with yourself, and everything else altogether, so it's just not worth it, you can't let everything in life forever drive you crazy, Jack. So let's bring the conversation back down to earth for a while, ok?"

  (She's right, I think.)

  "... Maybe you're right."

  "I am right! you can't change the past and what's already happened, so why keep stressing about it? but before we change the subject first... um, you do know about it, don't you?"

  "No. What are you talking about, Amanda?"

  "That building! you know, the one the band practises in? that place right next to us? WelI, the way I hear it is, that before they were even there, the place was used by The Exchange for... you know? some of the awful things they did, well, still do to people... Then for some reason it was abandoned for a while, and since then, no one around here even wants to go near it, and most won't even set foot inside!"

  "Y, you're kidding?! ...in the building next door to us?!"

  "Yep, the same one, just a little something I heard through the grapevine, anyhow... what was I saying again, Jack? something about coming back down to earth? so shall we?"

  (Fuck me! why did she tell me that!
! Now I'm probably going to have nightmares!)

  "So... Jack. What do you for a living?"

  (Right next door...)

  "I... What?"

  "Well, y'know, because I never see you leave your apartment, so I was just wondering what you do."

  "I already told you last time we spoke, didn't I?"

  "No, I asked, and you mumbled something and then changed the subject!"

  "I did? well, uh, maybe I did..."

  "So?"

  "Uh, yeah. I work from home, online. I'm a day trader."

  (... and a pretty mediocre one at that, if do say so myself.)

  "Day trader... sounds... interesting, what's that?"

  "It's simply trading in stocks, bonds, you know? stuff like that. It's very boring actually... so boring in fact, I don't do it that often anymore."

  (Yeah, because you're living off your meagre savings and handouts from your parents now. Tell her that!)

  "Ah... so, uh, what do you do for a living, Amanda?"

  "Oh, me? well, nothing really. I was trying to go back to collage, but other things kept me from doing so..."

  "Other things?... Like what?"

  "Oh, you know Jack? problems, life, things like that..."

  "I understand completely Amanda."

  "Oh really? you do, do you?"

  "Yeah, sure, of course, you see Amanda... what you are is your own undoing, this is what people don't understand in life. Your actions, or lack of them are causing your current situation, and with it, all your problems whether you know it or not. See, it's simple math, if you don't know what your doing, or where you're going, then you obviously don't know where you're going to end up, and eventually it becomes a vicious, never ending cycle."

  "I was the same, well in truth I probably still am... but if you can identify what you are, or not doing right, and so, in turn, what you want to change and then work out, y'know? and all the logical reactions and outcomes related to it, kinda, kinda like a formula, or, or a equation or something... so, then you can change practically anything in your life, well, in theory. Unfortunately I'm not really strong enough to change my actual, or so-called "fate" as it were, but I know the theory behind it, I know the science. Look, I know that's probably not much comfort coming from a recluse like me... but."

  "...Wow, I'm Impressed, Jack! you came up with all that just now?!"

  (Now she wants your dick, dude...)

  "Well, uh, to be honest, no, not really. See, I have a lot of free time..."

  "Ha-ha! I'm sure you do Jack, I can tell that you're usually lost in your own world!"

  (Yeah, maybe, but it sure beats this one...)

  "You're pretty good at this whole thing, huh?"

  "What do you mean, Jack?"

  "Well, y'know? the whole "social" thing.... I'm different, it's not like I was born to be sociable like you..."

  "Are you kidding me?! Jack, social skills need to be worked on, you aren't just "born" with them!"

  "Yeah, well, I don't know about that Amanda. For me, it goes WAY beyond simply being introverted... Wh,"

  (...Holy shit! ...Look at this guy coming towards us!... wait a second... he looks familiar... too familiar!... uh-oh... oh, what the hell?! now he's seen me?! oh shit! and he's coming RIGHT at us! ...RIGHT AT ME!!)

  "What the fuck you starin' at momma's boy?!"

  (Shit! now I know... It's that mohawk from that band of assholes across the way! Oh fuck! ...that was directed at me, wasn't it?! ... But Jesus he's tall!.. is that?... that's their drummer with him too?)

  "You starin' at me head?!"

  "Um, Jack? be careful..."

  "Me?! s-s staring! N,no I would never!"

  (Oh shit! up close this guy is terrifying! I don't know what's more intimidating! the tattoos? the blood stains on his boots? or his t-shirt with the phrase "WARNING: KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN!" emblazoned across the front! man, I'm feeling more than a little yellow here...)

  "Cos' you looked like you was starin' at me fuckin' head! well, listen here and listen good! at least my mother doesn't cut my fuckin' hair, you weak fuckin' tossend!"

  (What?! ..oh no, he did NOT just go there! ...Fuck him! I know all about assholes like this! this guy thinks he's tough because he's a big-fucking-punk! ...but I bet he doesn't have the guts do do anything right here in the middle of this busy street! I'll bring him down a few notches! ...Watch this Amanda!)

  "...Oh yeah? Well at least I have a mother that cares enough to cut my hair!"

  (Uh-oh... I probably shouldn't have said that! Now he looks REALLY angry!)

  "...WHAT?! WHAT DID YOU JUST FUCKIN' SAY!!!"

  (Shit, now people are starting to stop and look...)

  "Vincent, can we go? Zack and Jake are waiting..."

  (...The drummer?)

  "Shut the fuck up Ed! ...yeah, alright, we're goin' just you remember this! The next time I see you, you fuck! you're gonna' be dead or dyin'!"

  "We're fuckin' out of 'ere Ed! move it!"

  "Hey! I love your music!"

  (Amanda?!... what the? Shut up!)

  "An' you can piss right off, girly!"

  "Well, he's not very nice in person, is he Jack?"

  (Phew, he's gone... my god... and I actually managed not to get my face smashed in, that's always a good end to the day, I suppose.)

  "... I ... I actually stood up to him?! Did you see that Amanda?!"

  "Ha-ha! Yes I did! you stood up to him, even though he was nearly twice your size! impressive Jack! very impressive indeed, still, he was fairly terrifying wasn't he? but to be honest, I'll let you in on a little secret! More often that not guys like him all all bark and no bite!"

  (I dunno, he looked like he could have bitten pretty damn hard to me...)

  "Jack, he looked pretty angry when you brought his mother up, didn't he?"

  "Yeah, guys like that usually have mother issues..."

  (... you should know.)

  "Ha! you know what Amanda?"

  "What Jack?"

  "I lied about the whole "my mother cares enough to cut my hair thing" because, y'know, she really doesn't... but he didn't know that. Heh!"

  THIRTY SEVEN

  (Maybe we shouldn't walk back together? I don't know anymore... but it's getting late, and besides, home isn't to far from the Northern Quarter anyway.)

  ".... Jack? are you listening?"

  "Huh? wha? ...oh, yeah.. Keep going..."

  "I did, but I asked about your parents..."

  (My parents? ...Ah. Shit.)

  "They're not really worth talking about Amanda, believe me..."

  "Come on! remember what I said? I said no rules! so we can ask each other anything, but you have to answer honestly!"

  (...Even if I said no, she probably won't stop going on about it anyway, will she? alright, fine...)

  "Well, I suppose my family is a little more well off than others... nothing too crazy, but my parents run a publishing house, and so I grew up just a bit more "wealthy" than most. However, I didn't just want to sit back and leach of them my whole life.. I wanted to walk on my own and stand on my own two feet..."

  (.... and such a good job you're doing as well!)

  "What are they like Jack, your parents?"

  "My parents?... what's to tell? *sigh* ...My parents would... grind me down, ceaselessly, until there was nothing left. I could never, ever, do or say anything that didn't earn their disapproval, their scorn, or their contempt... and so in the end, they were the ones I should thank for making me this broken, self-conscious mess of a man I am today! ....and I wish they would just!... so I could go and!!"

  (Asgrlfktsmpghf!!!.... Wait! ..remember what your therapist said... Breath...)

  "... but that's just me, what about yours, Amanda?"

  "Well, I was never exactly how should I say? "supported" besides, it was only me and my dad, my mother wasn't around."

  "What do you she mean wasn't around, why?

  "It's be... she... well..."

  "Amanda, it's fine
if you don't want to talk about it, really..."

  "No, it's ok, my mother she... died during childbirth, actually, it was a few minutes before, she had an already existing medical condition and her heart simply, gave in. My dad... would always tell me that I was a mistake, that she made the wrong choice..."