Pretty in Plaid: A Life, A Witch, and a Wardrobe, or, the Wonder Years Before the Condescending,Egomaniacal, Self-Centered Smart-Ass Phase

by Jen Lancaster

  47

  They’re so tight around the crotch region that I technically may not be a virgin anymore.

  48

  Like, it’s my fault her grody boyfriend asked me to dance?

  49

  I mean, as long as I keep them on.

  50

  I could absolutely pick it out if given a multiple choice quiz.

  51

  Why do all the boys in my class think being a gymnast is so hot? What’s so erotic about a balance beam?

  52

  Wait, did he just touch my butt? And did I like it?

  53

  I suspect it’s because I’m a terrible singer. Sigh.

  54

  Or, for that matter, bending.

  55

  It’s the Paris of Indiana.

  56

  Yet I stand by my decision not to feature the soil judging competition.

  57

  By the way? Last I heard Kari was doing nails for a living in a little shop down by the jail. Who’s laughing now?

  58

  My favorite one reads “My mother thinks I’m at the movies.” Although, unfortunately, I probably am at the movies.

  59

  Hi! My name is Jennifer! I speak French! I like your shoes! I’m going to France! Maybe I will buy your shoes!

  60

  Kahlua or other coffee-flavored brandy and cream. Yum. I will have these again.

  61

  For now, she hopes!

  62

  Las Vegas Tourism Board, you totally owe me.

  63

  And false bravado.

  64

  The Methodist church I went to used to be pretty clear on the notion of loving and accepting everyone. Their Jesus would totally have gay friends. The Baptists? Maybe not so much.

  65

  Even now, almost twenty-five years later, it remains one of the greatest nights of my life.

  66

  So. Very. Grounded.

  67

  Dad said I had a choice of Purdue or IU.

  68

  And really, what’s more Roman than salty white bread dipped in nacho cheese?

  69

  In my day, we didn’t have Internet memes! We had paper quizzes! And we answered them in longhand! Uphill! In the snow!

  70

  Wham, naturally.

  71

  Facts of Life. I so want to be Blair Warner. Were Gossip Girl around at this time, I’d have wanted to be Blair Waldorf.

  72

  Late that night, my brother locked my friend Mary and me in his room. He said nothing good happens in a fraternity house after three a.m. But from the sounds of the party in the hallway, he was all wrong.

  73

  It’s called outsourcing and American businesses should totally look into it.

  74

  Well, maybe. I mean, dude, the seventies are over.

  75

  Yet she wonders why I’m a smart-ass.

  76

  If it weren’t weird to do so, I mean.

  77

  And thrusts them up so high I could rest my cheek on them.

  78

  And my boobs in my ears.

  79

  We’ve had more DUIs than acceptances to Notre Dame.

  80

  I blame all of tonight’s accidental teen pregnancies on the juniors, too.

  81

  Above the fold!

  82

  Also, every time I get a high mark on a composition, she sends it to them. I imagine they’re a bit tired of reading my English homework, too.

  83

  Despite her penchant for frosty white eyeliner.

  84

  P.S. No, I don’t care to be your pen pal.

  85

  Not sure what “ancestry” we’re celebrating—our town’s unofficial fondness for racism? Having the highest rate of cardiovascular disease in the state?

  86

  Try and guess who’s in the lead car. Hint: not me.

  87

  Lie. I’m more like 135-140.

  88

  Lie. I’m more like five feet seven.

  89

  Lie. She enjoys reading a book by the pool and eating candy.

  90

  This is a trend I embrace for almost the next twenty years.

  91

  This is a trend they embrace for almost the next twenty years.

  92

  Mandatory due to a city noise violation.

  93

  As for Jimmy . . . three days after he dropped me off at campus, I called him and said, “Um, yeah, I’m a little sister at a fraternity now and we won’t be dating anymore.” What could I say? Seventeen’s synonymous with fickle. Jimmy was furious and gave me the choice of dating him or dating other people. I chose other people and we never talked after that. I heard through the grapevine that he started dating a very pretty, complacent blond girl who was still in high school. They started d-o-i-n-g it days af ter they went out for the first time and she totally let him boss her around. As a result, she wasn’t able to stop him when he started experimenting with drugs. She didn’t fight back when he slapped her around. She did nothing when he began to break into people’s houses, stealing their electronics so he could fund his habit. And she was shocked when he was finally sent to prison for robbing a home with a sawed-off shotgun. Oh, Jimmy. That’s why you never choose a Marilyn.

  94

  Also, silk flowers? No.

  95

  nd what’s wrong with my jean jacket? It was a huge hit when I went to Europe.

  96

  I didn’t know how to spell this, so I Googled “Irish stick for hitting.”

  97

  If those letters automatically up my perceived level of hotness? All the better.

  98

  But what do I know? I’m just a freshman hoping to become a notoriously flighty pledge.

  99

  Aside from making yourself more likely to get burned up in a fire.

  100

  Delicious! I ate every bite.

  101

  Plus it looks great with my jean jacket.

  102

  Sidebar? His fraternity got banned from booking dances in hotels in a two-hundred-mile radius because each place they visited had to drain the pool due to high counts of urine (and pool furniture). At their last event, my friends tore the beds off the wall and tossed a phone through a plate-glass window. How could this possibly be considered a lesser house??

  103

  Except I probably wouldn’t.

  104

  Leather inside a purse? Whoa.

  105

  Prada bags. And then I will carry them to the unemployment office. But that’s a whole ’nother story.

  106

  Why do so many people assume dressing room = restroom?

  107

  Yes, plural.

  108

  By being leisurely, I guess.

  109

  More important, this is not where we hide all the good stuff. Please, everyone, stop perpetuating that myth.

  110

  And begging.

  111

  Now they’re called “new members.” Ah, the end of an era.

  112

  Simulating sticks and asses.

  113

  Greek term meaning “Prank the members and then pack up all your shit and go drink grain alcohol punch on another campus for the weekend.”

  114

  Purdue’s big spring go-kart race-party weekend. Way less dumb than it sounds.

  115

  In the name of sisterhood, of course.

  116

  That’s what she said.

  117

  See: Week, Hell.

  118

  Getting to live by the muffin shop is an extra bonus.

  119

  I hooked up, just not with her.

  120

  Named for the long-defunct hearth that still dirties pan
ts and coats.

  121

  I’d say I stole the look from Amy Winehouse, but she was eight at the time.

  122

  On the plus side, no one’s heard of the Internet yet so no worries of photos showing up on Ted’s Facebook page.

  123

  Not sure her grades are so great, though.

  124

  Discussing how I barfed on my date at the Screw-Your-Sister mixer does not constitute “interesting conversation”.

  125

  Even though I’m already a member, the best house would have to vote on me if I wanted to live in their house.

  126

  Granted, she looks really good for her age. But come on—seeing your mom in terry-cloth, Three’s Company-style booty shorts is just wrong.

  127

  I still blame ponchos for my fear of motion. Acoustic guitars, too.

  128

  Of course he was in a fraternity. President and founder of his chapter!

  129

  A boyfriend is the deciding factor between “compassionate about animals” and “crazy cat lady.”

  130

  Guess which one I eventually choose?

  131

  Deeply, profoundly.

  132

  I brought a calculator just in case.

  133

  Shut up, I can be affable. I can be anything for $24,000.

  134

  I agree that no one wants to eat blue food. But blue condiments? Genius!

  135

  That douche cost me about $80!

  136

  Much to the cats’ chagrin.

  137

  It’s not that I don’t care how my customers’ day has gone. It’s just that I don’t want to hear about it. Okay, that’s a lie. I truly don’t care.

  138

  At all.

  139

  His George Michael phase rocked.

  140

  Taking advanced French, philosophy, and three upper-level poli-sci courses, you assholes.

  141

  Lip liner.

  142

  And it’s also why I begin to twitch every time I see a cap and gown.

  143

  Flavored cream cheese?! Are we living in the age of miracles or what?

  144

  Walkmen?

  145

  Read panic.

  146

  Later I find out she was on to me the whole time, which explains why she narrated the entire process. Bless you, Stephanie.

  147

  Unless they’re too chickenshit to come into work, in which case they don’t call him anything. Yeah, I’m apparently still mad about that.

  148

  By the way? Bullshit. The company lays more than a quarter of its workforce off within the next two months. And I was right—my department isn’t touched.

  149

  Read desperate.

  150

  My guess is no.

  151

  Read desperate.

  152

  After getting the flu seven goddamned times last year, I finally smartened up.

  153

  Why don’t any of you bastards pay for people to shovel past the sidewalk?

  154

  Second shelf, second unit.

  155

  The sharing is called “hotel-ing.” I call it “company is too cheap to spring for another half floor in our office building.”

  156

  Read eliminate.

  157

  It’s so gas efficient that I actually make money on my mileage. That’s why I’m able to buy groceries.

  158

  Who aren’t Gordon Gekko?

  159

  If we’d been on the bridge one more second, I’d have frozen in place, like Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining. Yes, I want to live life like it’s a movie, but not that movie.

  160

  Cheap conditioner.

  161

  If I live in one of the biggest cities in the world, how come I have to drive out of town to do anything fun?

  162

  Or get that haircut.

  163

  Great, now I’m obligated to work with orphans.

  164

  No worries, everything arrives the next day.

  165

  How fucking hard is it to find a forty-story pyramid?

  166

  Egyptian?

  167

  I’m soaking in it!

  168

  Pressure, density, temperature, and vertical component of magnetism. Thank you, Dino Kraspedon, for explaining it all so neatly.

  169

  To be fair, I am up seven dollars.

  170

  Pun intended.

  171

  I should get a life!

  172

  Which I thought was problematic until I learned what problematic really looked like.

  173

  I prefer my bubbles in a glass where I can control them, thanks.

  174

  I’m totally open to it, though.

  175

  Meaning they hate men but want to have sex with them.

  176

  Although I’m still in pink puffy heart love with how Muffy Tepperman dressed. Argyle socks and saddle shoes! Swoon!

  177

  Note I said “I wonder if,” not “I know.” No need to murder me John Grisham-style, thanks.

  178

  Read compensates.

  179

  Though she might b-a-n-g opposing council in a broom closet afterward. Again, this is where we differ.

  180

  I can hear Fletch watching military programming through the bedroom door on Sunday nights. That totally counts as training.

  181

  Heh. I could call it my sock compartment.

  182

  That is, if I wore jeans anymore.

  183

  Mr. Big’s best trait!

  184

  Yeah, we didn’t let him in.

  185

  Stoli up, dry, twist of lemon and God have mercy on you if you don’t shake it long enough.

  186

  Not his real name. But it should be.

  187

  I wonder if Mr. Big would whiz on a knob for Carrie? Doubtful.

  188

  BTW, whoever came up with pink drinks? Is genius.

  189

  There’s nothing more appealing than a good suit on a man. Fletch’s making money now and he’s been shopping at Brooks Brothers. He looks amazing.

  190

  E.g., driving to fucking Knoxville.

  191

  Big is the new black?

  192

  Yes, I spent $2,000 to go to Mexico specifically so I could cook my own meals.

  193

  Do I even need to mention this week has been a long one? I’ve pretty much worn all the skin off my finger.

  194

  Crocs—isn’t that an awesome nickname for a pair of shoes?

  195

  Fake.

  196

  Even though I’m not sure how I’d mesh the whole Irish whiskey-driving home conundrum. My mom isn’t driving three hours to get me.

  197

  Read be screamed at about.

  198

  Someday he’ll see the irony here.

  199

  Also, there’s snow outside and I don’t want to get my shoes wet.

  200

  Because felony kidnapping? Is a total laugh riot.

  201

  He also told me I made lousy coffee and could therefore not be his secretary, either. I’m thinking he just doesn’t know what coffee without spit in it tastes like.

  202

  I don’t advocate his behavior. But I do advocate calm, rational customers.

  203

  My brother is still a jerk, though.

  204

  Please feel free to buy all these books if you’d like the complete s
tory.

  205

  Chicago—Come for the shopping; stay for the vehicular manslaughter.

  206

  Although I’m tempted to beg him to never let the less-talented kids on American Idol sing his songs ever again. I’ve yet to recover from Kevin Covais’s version of “Part-Time Lover.”

  207

  Thank you, Barbie.

  208

  I am the fail whale of diet-book-tour healthy eating.

  209

  Later in Dallas I eat three cupcakes and have half a bottle of wine and then throw up in the wet bar’s sink. I believe this is the universe’s way of telling me how not to eat on a diet-book tour.

  210

  I didn’t know what it meant. Note: if you’re curious, do not search images. That’s something you can’t un-see.

  211

  Who has seen David Bowie naked!

  212

  If Bridget Jones didn’t change her life, too, we might not be able to be friends.

  213

  A sandwich consisting of a Twinkie and Ding Dong. It’s a beautiful thing.

  214

  Which you’re totally reading right now!

  Table of Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright Page

  Dedication

  Part One - The Seventies

  Sock Lobster - (Navy Knee-Highs)

  You Say Extortion Like It’s a Bad Thing - (Green Dotted Swiss Dress)

  How About a Nice Hawaiian Punch? - (Girl Scout Uniform)

  The Green Badge of Courage - (Kelly Green Speedo Tank Suit)

  Miss New Jersey Has Everything - (Brown Tasseled Clogs)

  A Series of Unfortunate (Pant) Events - (Bloomingdale’s Underwear)

  Part Two - The Eighties

  Take a Picture, It Lasts Longer - (Jordache Jeans, Part One)

  Plan B - (Jordache Jeans, Part Two)

  Gay Paree - (Jordache Jeans, Part Three)

  Clipped Wings - (Pfft, Who Cares Because I May as Well Be in Prison Stripes)

  Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Singing a Billy Ocean Song - (White Satin Gown)

  They’re Quite Aware of What They’re Going Through - (Bass Weejun Penny Loafers)

  Dying to Belong - (Gucci Bag)

  Which Is an Entirely Different Chapter - (Not Even My Yellow Argyle Sweater)

  Absolute Power? Absolutely! - (Gold Lavaliere, Part One)

  First She Was a Seed and Then She Was Trouble - (Gold Lavaliere, Part Two)

  Dénouement - (Gold Lavaliere, Part Three)

  Part Three - The Nineties

  We Need a Montage - (A Variety of Stained Aprons)

  You Sank My Battleship - (Navy Suit, Part One)

  Just the Fax, Ma’am - (Navy Suit, Part Two)

  Brass Something, Anyway - (Navy Suit, Part Three)

  Worst Movie Ever - (Canvas Book Bag)

  Pretty (Average) Woman - (Utilitarian Snow Boots)

  My Kind of Town - (Cubs Bucket Hat)

  Carrie Bradshaw Made Me Do It - (Not Manolos—But Close)