Journey to the Centre of Myself

by Andie M. Long

  I sigh. ‘Oh Steve, what a pair we are.’

  ‘The only thing we were attached to was the bloody dog. It killed me when she took that dog away. Is that right Karen, to be more bereaved that you’ve lost your pet dog than your wife?’

  I shrug.

  ‘Then the night of your do, I met Amber. We just clicked. She told me she was married, and I thought I couldn’t do it, participate in what my wife had done to me. But I couldn’t help myself. Nothing happened while she was still with her husband though I’m not sure I would have stopped if she had been. But that dickhead left her, all broken like a china doll. That’s what she reminded me of with that auburn hair and porcelain face.’

  I note Steve looks wistful and off into the distance when he thinks about her.

  ‘She tries to make out she’s over it already, that her marriage wouldn’t have worked, but I can tell she’s hurting. I know what it feels like because I’ve been there. Yet, there’s something between us. It makes the pain go away when we’re together.’

  ‘Does she feel the same way?’

  ‘I don’t know. I thought so. But then she thought she was in a relationship with a builder called Adrian.’

  ‘Why on earth did you use another name?’

  ‘I told you, I didn’t want to be myself that night. Adrian was the first name that came to mind. He’s always been a bloody charmer, enough for me to want to smash his face in on your behalf,’ he pauses, ‘but I thought I’d channel him a bit, be more confident.’

  ‘You’re a bloody lunatic.’

  ‘Takes one to know one.’

  I look at him with my mouth agape. It’s the first time he’s ever mentioned my breakdown in such a flippant manner. I crease up with mirth. Hysterical laughter pours out of me. Steve joins in and we grab each other’s shaking shoulders, not able to contain ourselves.

  I gather myself. ‘Oh God, it’s good to have a laugh. I’ve missed it.’

  ‘Have things been that bad?’

  ‘Yes, they have. For a long time.’

  We talk for hours and I let Steve in on my world, so he knows what Adrian has been through, as well as myself.

  ‘I think I’ve misjudged him, Karen. I didn’t appreciate what he’s been through. He was just trying to protect you too.’

  ‘He was, but I don’t want protection. I want to be left alone.’

  ‘You seem quite clear about that, from where I’m sitting. You don’t sound like someone who wants to save their marriage. More like someone who needs to be by themselves.’

  ‘True, but I don’t want to rush making a decision, especially at this time of year when it can be so emotive anyway.’

  ‘I suppose. Karen, can I ask you something?’

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘Why don’t you put any decorations up, you miserable cow?’

  ‘Because one year it sent me over the edge and I tried to off myself.’

  He looks at me and I think I’ve gone too far.

  ‘Only ever get them from M&S. Magic and Sparkle will see you right.’ He grins.

  We burst out laughing again.

  I wake Steve up the next morning, having given him a duvet for the sofa. ‘Come on, wake up.’

  ‘Gah, what time is it Kaz?’

  ‘Nine.’

  ‘Nine! On a Saturday, after a late night? You freak, get back to bed.’

  ‘Nope.’ I drag the quilt back while he tries to turn over and wrap it round himself.

  ‘Get off.’

  I tickle him round his neck where he’s always been sensitive. He screams like a girl.

  ‘Not fair.’

  ‘Come on, it’s your fault I’m up early, complaining about the lack of decorations. You can come with me to town. Christmas shopping.’

  ‘It's three days to Christmas. It’s the last Saturday before Christmas. Are you insane?’

  ‘Well, I have been, kind of, so the jury could be out on that one. Get up.’ I’ve gone round the back of the sofa and tipped it. He hangs on for as long as he can, but it’s no good and he rolls onto the floor.

  ‘You are an evil little sister.’

  ‘Mwah ha ha. Come on, there are baubles to buy.’

  He looks up at me from the floor. ‘Kaz, I like your place as it is—minimalist.’

  I give him a light kick.

  The city centre is absolutely heaving but I’m determined to get some good Christmas stuff. This year will be different. I’m going to trim up, have a bit of festive cheer to mark the new Karen. Steve drags a fake tree around in a box while I carry bags of tinsel, baubles and tree lights. Then we pass a coffee shop chain. ‘Oh, gingerbread latte, yum. C’mon let’s call in.’

  ‘Karen, what on earth has got into you? I haven’t seen you like this since we were little.’

  ‘So? I’m regressing.’ I stick my tongue out at him. ‘Last one to the counter has to pay.’

  ‘That wasn’t a fair contest,’ Steve says after negotiating his way past people with the over-sized box.

  We stand in a corner, against a high counter. ‘So what are you going to do about Amber?’

  ‘I texted her a couple of times this morning and I’ve tried ringing too, but her phone’s off. I’ve apologised and asked if she’ll meet me to talk further, but I don’t know. She’s just had one liar leave her. She probably thinks she’s had a narrow escape.’

  ‘Who was that guy with her and her friend last night?’

  ‘What guy?’

  ‘Smallish guy, young, but balding. He was sitting with her friend, but they’d all come together.’

  ‘Maybe it was her mate’s boyfriend?’

  ‘I seriously doubt it.’ I chuckle. ‘With what I know of her friend.’

  ‘I don’t know then.’ He takes a sip of his drink. ‘Ow, that’s bloody hot.’

  ‘Give her a few days, maybe she’ll come round. What’re you doing for Christmas, are you going to see Mum and Dad?’

  ‘Nope. I’m planning on a quiet first Christmas alone.’

  ‘Stop at ours.’

  ‘I don’t want to be in the middle of whatever’s happening between you and Adrian, but thanks for the offer.’

  ‘Fair enough.’

  The house looks lovely. The silver tree is decorated with black and silver baubles and swirls of tinsel. Little present box lights twinkle through seven different settings. I bought Adrian a jumper, just a token, and have wrapped and placed it under the tree. There are snowflake decals on the windows and I bought the Michael Bublé Christmas CD that’s playing in the background.

  ‘I’m going to get going now, Kaz.’

  ‘Aww…’

  ‘I need to set off now so I’m not driving around with Christmas drink-drivers.’

  ‘Okay.’ I kiss him on the cheek. ‘Let’s meet up more often and do the sibling thing. It’s been fun, in a tragic kind of way.’

  ‘It’s been great, and it’s good to discover my sister’s really back. That time away has done you some good.’

  ‘It has.’

  ‘Don’t get weighed down in all that emotional stuff again. Try to stay detached and think about what you need over the next year.’

  ‘Yes, bro.’

  When he’s gone, I pour myself a sherry, a Christmas tipple I haven’t had in years and then I sit on my sofa singing along to Mr Bublé singing White Christmas.

  I admire my tree. There’s no snow forecast but I wish it would. Snow me in, so I have to watch pointless Christmas TV.

  My mobile rings and I pick it up expecting to hear from Steve, that he’s arrived home safely, but it’s Adrian.

  ‘Hey, there,’ I say, feeling mellow.

  ‘Karen,’ he says croakily, like he can hardly form words.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘My mum… she’s really ill. They’ve admitted her to hospital.’

  ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

  ‘That’s not why I’m ringing.’

  ‘No?’

  ‘I’ll be staying here for the next
day or so until I know how mum is.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘But then I’ll be back. No, scrap that. Arjan will be back.’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘I’m coming to get you, Karen. Give me a couple of days and I’ll be there—fighting. I’m not letting you go without doing my damnedest to make you stay.’ He hangs up.

  A couple of days until I have to make a decision about our future. This could be the trickiest Christmas of all. My phone beeps with a text. What does he want now?

  ‘Can we meet?’ reads the text. ‘I got your number from Jo.’

  It’s from Amber.

  Chapter 24

  Amber

  After Steve confesses at Jo’s, I pull my bag over my shoulder and escape into the night.

  I am inebriated and angry. It’s the time when people drunk-text exes, but this is me. I go one better. I hail a cab and give the taxi driver Sam’s address.

  Even now, I could not tell you what time it was, but I run up to the door and hammer on it so hard I have to hold my hand afterwards with the pain.

  Will comes to the door.

  ‘Amber. Is everything okay? What’s the matter?’

  ‘You’re the matter,’ I say. ‘You bastard. You’ve ruined my life—and you.’ I point at Sam behind him. ‘You’re a whore. He wasn’t yours, he was my husband. You fucking tramp. You had Olly. If you weren’t pregnant, I would smash your fucking face in. I hate you.’

  Will looks at Sam. Sam nods. He takes hold of my arms and drags me into the house.

  Alfie comes downstairs. ‘Auntie Amb.’

  I look at him, all innocent faced and genuinely pleased to see me and sober in seconds. ‘Alfie.’ I cry and I give him a huge hug. ‘I’ve missed you.’

  They make me a drink of coffee and I realise that yet again I’ve made a complete fool of myself, plus I’ve almost scared an innocent young child. It’s not his fault his mother couldn’t keep her legs together with my husband.

  Sam takes Alfie back to bed and I promise I’ll visit him some time though I know that’s a lie. I’ll probably never see him again.

  ‘I’m sorry, Will, I didn’t realise until I was drunk how much I was hurting.’

  ‘Amber, are you sure that’s it? Not that you still have feelings for me?’

  I clutch my hands. ‘Of course, I have feelings for you. You’re my husband. I can’t switch them off overnight.’

  ‘Amber, listen to me. You only have to say the word and I’d come back. I miss you.’

  ‘What?’ I scrabble backwards, the chair legs scraping along the floor. ‘Oh, no. Oh my God, Will, no. We were done the minute you cheated, never mind the fact you’re having a baby with another woman.’ I shake my head. ‘Well, I guess Sam’s got what she deserves. Whatever you do, whatever you decide in this relationship, or whatever it is with Sam, please think of that new baby—and Alfie. God knows he must be confused about being taken away from his father.’

  ‘Kids adapt.

  ‘No, they don’t.’ I bang my fist on the table. ‘My childhood was spent being moved from one place to another, making friends only to find we were moving again. That’s the reason I can’t keep a lasting relationship now. If you’re not serious, Will, get out now.’

  Sam has returned and stands near me with her arms folded across her chest. ‘I’ve called a taxi for you, Amber. I think you should go home.’

  ‘Yes, I do,’ I say. ‘To my home. The one I will turn around and make my own because it’s time I put down some roots. You might have my husband, but you’re not having my home. Find your own.’ I get up. ‘I’ll wait for my taxi outside. I hope you two are very happy together because you really do deserve each other.’

  With that, I stomp out of the house and wait at the top of the driveway for my taxi. For the first time ever I feel I’ve made an impulsive decision that I’ll still be pleased with when the morning comes.

  As I get home, I see the lights are on and thank God I’d given Mirelle a key, or she would be ready to fillet me by now. I sling my handbag onto the sofa and head into the kitchen for a glass of water. Then I hear giggling. I stand at the foot of the stairs and try to work out where the noise is coming from—it’s my spare room. Who the hell has Mirelle brought back to my house for a quick shag? It had so better not be Smithy, I’ll kill her.

  Then I spot some very familiar looking black shoes just inside the front door.

  Shaun’s.

  Mirelle is in my spare room with Shaun?

  My head can’t take this information on the top of everything else and I slump on the sofa and go to sleep.

  Chapter 25

  Karen

  I’ve arranged to meet Amber at the same coffee shop I went to with Steve, which is kind of ironic. Despite it being a Sunday, the fact that it's two days before Christmas means the city centre is once again swamped with panic buying people. It’s nice to be among the crowd but without the stress of a shopping list.

  Amber walks in, looking over the heads of various people before she spots me. She’s wearing a red jumper with a Rudolph on the front. The red clashes with her hair, green would have been better.

  ‘Thanks for meeting me,’ she says.

  I shrug. ‘It’s no bother. I wasn’t doing anything anyway.’ My eyes widen. ‘Sorry that came out wrong. I mean I had no other plans.’

  ‘What? Two days before Christmas?’

  ‘It’s a long story. Anyway, what can I do for you?’

  ‘Basically, I wanted to apologise to you, face to face. It must have been a shock to find out I’d been seeing your brother, and then to just run off like that. I wanted to point out that I’m not some kind of stalker trying to take over your life or anything.’

  I laugh. ‘Oh, Amber, you’re apologising again and there’s absolutely no need. My brother was a fool not telling you who he was. In his defence, it was out of character. I’m afraid his soon to be ex-wife did a real number on him. He is really very sorry.’

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Yeah, really. You should answer his texts.’

  ‘I… I need some time to think. It’s complicated.’

  ‘Oh, believe me, I understand complicated.’

  Amber pulls her chair closer and whips off her gloves. ‘Do you want another coffee?’ she says.

  ‘Yeah, go on.’

  She comes back with our drinks and pushes mine towards me.

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘S’no problem. Ha, snow problem. Get it?’ She blushes. ‘Gosh sorry, that was a bit juvenile.’

  ‘Amber if you apologise to me once more I may actually punch you in the face.’

  She places her hands on her cheeks. ‘Oh my, I did. I apologised again. I shall be very careful not to apologise to you for anything else in the future.’

  ‘Thank goodness for that.’

  ‘So if you don’t mind me asking, no Christmassy plans two days before Christmas and you said the other night you weren’t sure if you’d be married this time next year. It sounds very similar to my predicament. Are you having problems with the real Adrian?’

  It’s here that I begin to open up to this younger woman, who seems to encompass everything I’m not. She’s impulsive, spontaneous, and silly. She has a joie de vive about her, a freshness that makes her seem younger than the almost thirty she tells me she is. I feel like an old forty-two, like I need to be on Ten Years Younger or some other life makeover show.

  ‘Karen, from what you’re telling me, I can’t see why you’re fighting to save your marriage, not if you both want different things.’

  ‘I’m not sure we do, though. I think we got bogged down in the general drudgery of married life when what we craved was adventure.’

  ‘But most people settle into married life as you term it. Apart from the annual holiday abroad. For most people its work, home, sleep, and then work again.’

  ‘But you must feel a little like that yourself? You didn’t want children.’

  ‘No, I don’t want children ri
ght now. I can see them in my future.’ She seems surprised as she says that, as if it’s new to her. ‘Perhaps I didn’t want them with Will. I was the same as you, though. I was bored. My marriage was so exciting at first, and then it waned off. Do you suppose with the right person, it’s not like that? That’s what I’m hoping anyway.’

  ‘Are your parents still together?’

  ‘Yes. They live in New Zealand at the moment. They’ve always travelled around because of my dad’s job. He was in the Army. They caught the travelling bug.’

  ‘That’s how I’d like Adrian and me to be.’

  ‘But my mum and dad have been like it all their life. You and Adrian haven’t had that sort of relationship and now you’re trying to change everything. You need to decide if you still want Adrian because he isn’t Arjan from twelve years ago.’

  I sit back and sigh. Blow the top of my coffee. ‘I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘You and me both.’

  ‘You could text Steve.’

  ‘I could… and I might, but I’m not rushing into it because that’s what I do. Steve isn’t who I thought he was. He pretended to be someone else, and no offence, but do I want someone with all that marriage baggage? I’ve only been separated from Will for two weeks. It could be I need some time on my own. Of course, Steve could be the love of my life and I’ll miss out. It’s all such a headache.’

  I nod. ‘Yes.’

  ‘So, will your husband be back for Christmas?’

  ‘I’m not sure. If his mother’s still ill, then I guess not. He’ll stay with her.’

  ‘Aren’t you going to help?’

  ‘No. We’ve never seen eye to eye and Adrian’s better off without me there, without us getting into more conversations about the future.’

  ‘But surely you could call a truce and be a support.’

  ‘I don’t want to go there, so I’m not going to.’ I snap without meaning to, but I’m irritated at the suggestion that I should drop my new life and immerse myself back in the old one because of a sick in-law.