Journey to the Centre of Myself

by Andie M. Long

  Shaun raises his hand. ‘No, we don’t want to hear another word. We’re here and I promise that Mirelle will keep her hands off me so you’re not uncomfortable.’ Mirelle punches him in the arm.

  ‘Here,’ Mirelle hands me a huge box. ‘Merry Christmas.’

  ‘But we already exchanged gifts?’ I question.

  ‘This is from me,’ says Shaun.

  I open the box. It’s a set of kitchen knives. ‘I figured you’d probably broken the last one. On the sofa,’ he says, looking pleased with himself.

  ‘Yep, funnily enough, it didn’t do it a lot of good.’

  ‘Well, seeing as you've got a turkey to carve this afternoon, I thought it would make just the right gift.’

  I kiss him on the cheek. ‘Thank you, it’s very thoughtful.’

  He beams.

  ‘You’re such an ass-licker,’ says Mirelle.

  ‘Now, Mirelle. I told Amber that you’d desist from talking about our undercover action.’

  Mirelle’s jaw drops.

  ‘You are so owned by that one.’ I shake my head. ‘Who’d have thought it?’

  ‘Yes, well, I’m still me, so maybe you could explain what you’re wearing.’

  ‘I thought I was spending the day alone.’

  ‘Well, you aren’t, so for God’s sake do something with yourself.’ She goes to sit on the sofa and has to pick up plates to get to it. She hands them to me. ‘Give those to Shaun and bring me a dustpan and brush. You’re living like a hobo.’

  I salute her.

  ‘Appearances at all times, Amber. What if Ian Somerhalder turned up at the door?’

  ‘I’d turn him away and tell him I’m only interested in a man in a blue box who, I might add, could go back in his Tardis and turn up at a time when I looked nice.’

  ‘What if the tenth and eleventh doctors turned up at the same time? Which would you turn away, clever clogs?’

  ‘Well, none of course. I’d wish myself a very Merry Christmas.’

  I walk off with the plates in my hand and a smile on my face. If only, eh, if only?

  Shaun has insisted on taking over the majority of the cooking, saying he finds it relaxing. Myself and Mirelle are pulling crackers and generally getting rather merry on the Christmas sherry. Food will be at three, so I’m working my way through chocolates for brunch.

  Just after twelve the doorbell rings.

  Karen stands there. ‘Hi, Amber. Is it okay if I come for lunch after all? I tried to call and text but it said you were unavailable, so I popped round on the off chance.’

  I remember I haven’t put my phone back on since last night. ‘It’s no problem, come in.’

  We wander through to the lounge. I do introductions. ‘Shaun, who you saw briefly at the party and Mirelle, of course you already know each other from work.’

  Everyone shakes hands and then the doorbell goes again. I shrug. ‘Don’t know who that could be.’

  It’s Steve.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ I ask.

  ‘I’ve been sitting in my car.’ He points across the road. ‘I’ve been wondering whether to come over. After you sent me that text last night, I didn’t know where I stood. I tried to ring you back…’ He runs his hands through his hair. ‘Look, I just came here to say Merry Christmas, see if you’d talk to me. I’d have come last night, but I’d been drinking… Then while I’m trying to get up the courage, I see my sister walking up the driveway.’

  ‘I have an invitation,’ Karen says to him, having come to the door. ‘You were told to wait it out and see what happened,’ she says to him.

  ‘I couldn’t, okay? So here I am—Merry Christmas, Amber. There, I’ve said it and made a total fool of myself… I’ll go now.’

  ‘Plenty of extra food, Amber,’ pipes up Shaun from the kitchen doorway.

  Karen looks at me.

  ‘Oh, what’s one more?’ I say. ‘You may as well stop for lunch.’

  Karen’s mobile beeps and she reads it.

  ‘Err, Amber, while you’re feeling like that. It’s Adrian—he’s just turned up at the house to spend Christmas with me, except obviously I’m here.’

  ‘Well, it would be nice to meet the ‘real’ Adrian,’ I say dryly, glaring at a floor fascinated Steve. ‘So what the hell—get him to come round.’

  Everyone walks through and starts hanging up coats and getting drinks.

  Mirelle takes me to one side. ‘Once again, Ambs, I have to ask. How do you get yourself into these situations?’

  ‘Shut up and pass me the sherry.’

  Chapter 27

  Karen

  I wake on the morning of Christmas Eve and smile as I stretch my legs out in bed. I take my time getting ready, putting on some old clothes while I try my hand at DIY. A mental image of people getting drunk in bars comes to mind while I put up shelves; the two sides of being hammered.

  I open the instructions and assemble the pieces; shelves, wood glue, little wooden pegs and some nails. Covers to cover the nails. Everything seems present and correct. It’s a miracle. I try to follow the instructions. They aren’t easy, but I persevere, and after an hour or so I have an assembled bookshelf. It seems solid enough. I leave it so the glue can dry and stand back and admire my work. Before, I’ve handed any jobs like this to Adrian, as a man of the house job. My satisfaction lasts for as long as it takes me to spot the other flat pack and realise I have to do it all again—twice.

  By the evening, being on my own in the house has worn thin. I flick through some of my books, looking at pictures of different cities in the travel guides. I could have spent Christmas anywhere in the world, I realise, and yet I’m stuck at home in Manchester, and my husband isn’t even here.

  He phones me that evening, letting me know that he doubts he’ll get home for Christmas Day.

  ‘Mum’s really unwell. I’m so sorry, love. But I can’t leave at the moment.’

  ‘I understand. How is she anyway?’

  ‘She’s improving on the antibiotics—gradually. With any luck, she’ll be on the mend in the next couple of days and I can get back home. I’m missing my own bed.’

  ‘Yes, I did when I was away.’

  There’s a silence. ‘Did you miss anything else?’

  ‘Having my own things around me, I suppose.’

  ‘I meant me.’

  ‘How could I have missed you? You bloody well turned up.’

  ‘Not on your first trip I didn’t. Did you miss me then?’

  ‘If you want the truth, no, Adrian, but then I was angry, and I needed space. That’s why I went. Before you ask, no, I didn’t miss my brother either.’

  ‘I guess I’m just trying to figure out how you are.’

  ‘Bored. I’m alone at Christmas.’

  ‘I’ve said I’m sorry.’

  ‘It’s not your fault your mother’s ill, Adrian, but I have been thinking I could have gone somewhere.’

  ‘You’d still be alone.’

  ‘There’d be other travellers, like in Paris, and anyway, it would be difficult to get bored if I was looking around Rome or Monaco.’

  I hear a shout in the background.

  ‘It’s Mum, I need to go. Take care of yourself, Karen, I’ll see you soon.’

  It seems there’s going to be no Merry Christmas for myself and Adrian.

  The morning of Christmas Day I make a decision. If the offer still stands, I’m going to Amber’s. I can’t spend another minute alone in this house. I try to ring, but it says the person I’m calling is unavailable, so I send a text and wait. An hour later there’s still no reply.

  I put my books on the shelves, stand back and admire them. That eats up a few seconds of time on this interminable day.

  Fed up, I drag out my boots. I’m calling at Amber’s, she’s either in or she’s not and I can’t see her inviting me round and then not being there.

  About forty minutes later I ring the doorbell and Amber appears, looking surprised. Oh, God, have I made a mistake?
<
br />   ‘Hi Amber, is it okay if I come for lunch after all? I tried to call and text but it said you were unavailable so I popped round on the off chance.’

  She explains she’s forgotten to put her phone back on from the night before. She invites me in and introduces me to her friends. Then the doorbell rings and I find my brother on the doorstep.

  After an awkward few minutes, Steve is invited to join us for lunch.

  I’m about to ask him if he thinks this is a good idea when my phone beeps and interrupts me.

  ‘Err, Amber, while you’re feeling generous. It’s Adrian—he’s just turned up at the house to spend Christmas with me, except obviously I’m here.’

  She holds up her hands in a surrendered gesture. ‘Well, it would be nice to meet the ‘real’ Adrian.’

  I note at this point she glares at Steve.

  ‘So what the hell—get him round.’

  Shaun is a great cook and the fact that Amber absolutely loves Christmas becomes even clearer. She has the largest grin on her face. We’re a mismatched group of strangers and yet she brings us all together.

  At three, just prior to dinner, she makes us wear the paper hats from our crackers and sit and watch the Queen’s speech. She sits with her yellow crown on while the Queen talks about baby George and I wonder if she’s thinking of her husband.

  She has set the table with candles and more crackers. There are all the trimmings—cranberry sauce, stuffing, and applesauce—and we have a starter of Melon with Raspberry coulis, followed by turkey, with roast potatoes, Yorkshire puddings, sprouts with bacon lardons, red cabbage, and thick gravy. It’s delicious. Of course, for dessert she brings in a huge Christmas pudding. There’s so much food. Shaun informs us that he brought a bagful round and then found out that Amber had bought enough to start a soup kitchen. I look at her happy face, wondering how she’d have been if we weren’t here and had spent the day alone; a fridge and freezer full of food and no-one to share it with. I’m glad we came.

  During dinner, I get to know Shaun and Mirelle a little better. Despite her snarkiness with him, I can see she really likes him. It’s sweet to watch and reminds me of my early dates with Adrian.

  Adrian is seated to my left and beside Amber. She takes the time to include him which I could thank her for dearly as I don’t know what to say to him other than pass small talk. We can’t exactly have a heart to heart in the middle of dinner.

  I hear her ask him about his mother and he launches into a long conversation about things. Poor Amber, she must be bored, but appears sympathetic and reaches out to touch his hand. I realise I should be the one doing that. I am a poor excuse for a wife.

  Steve has seated himself at the other side of Amber and has been largely ignored. I can’t really blame her—she was cornered into having him here. Shaun keeps him engaged in conversation about football and the Christmas Number One.

  Steve insists on helping Amber with the washing up and she acquiesces. I watch them walk off into the kitchen.

  Adrian looks at me. ‘He’s got it bad, hasn’t he?’

  ‘Yep, the fool.’

  ‘He’s not a fool. He’s trying to win her over.’

  ‘No, he was a fool lying about himself. How can she trust him again?’

  There’s a silence.

  ‘Well, I’m not surprised he’s smitten. She seems really nice.’

  ‘Yes, she’s lovely. Did you know Amber’s the one who took over my job at work? The temp?’

  ‘No. Is it? Well, I never. The Lord certainly moves in mysterious ways.’

  ‘I’m glad you made it back for Christmas. It’s been nice here, hasn’t it?’

  ‘It has. Thank goodness Jan came through to take Mum for Christmas. I’ve had a right job getting her to pull her weight. She didn’t believe Mum was that ill.’

  ‘Well, your sister’s always been a bit that way. Can’t think where she gets it from.’

  ‘Adrian smirks. She’s a carbon copy of my mother. Well, they can drive each other mad over Christmas. I won’t be worrying about it.’

  ‘Do you want another beer, mate?’ asks Shaun.

  ‘I’d love one,’ says my husband, ‘but I need to be able to drive home.’

  ‘I’ll drive back,’ I say. ‘We can pick the other car up later.’

  ‘Oh, thanks love. Well, in that case, I’d love another.’

  We play various stupid board games and it’s so enjoyable. I resolve I won’t let another Christmas go past without properly celebrating it.

  ‘It’s nice to see a smile on your face love,’ says Adrian. ‘Even if I didn’t put it there.’

  I lean over to kiss him, but he turns his head to listen to something Amber says and I get his stubbly cheek instead.

  He gets his phone out and takes down Amber’s number. ‘Are you sure it’s okay for me to leave my car here until tomorrow?’

  ‘Leave it here as long as you like,’ she says. ‘Don’t rush back if you and Karen have something planned.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know if Karen has any plans or not. We’ve not made any with me being at my mums.’

  ‘Are you doing anything tomorrow, Amber?’ I ask.

  ‘I’m going to have a lazy day, stay in my onesie and get up about noon.’

  ‘Do you know, that sounds like a plan,’ I say. ‘Well except for the onesie, I don’t have one of those.’

  ‘Thank God for that,’ says Mirelle, ‘someone with taste.’

  ‘I bought myself a Christmas jumper, though.’

  Amber leans over Adrian to high five me. ‘Go girl.’

  Mirelle looks at me with downcast eyes. ‘I had hopes for you, but you’ve gone and spoilt them now.’

  ‘You’ve bought a Christmas jumper?’ asks Adrian. ‘Where is it?’

  ‘I don’t know if I’m confident enough to wear it out in public.’

  ‘Spoilsport,’ Amber and Adrian shout in unison.

  ‘I’ll wear it tomorrow,’ I promise him and he smiles.

  Later Steve corners me to one side. ‘She’s told me that she still hasn’t decided whether I’m forgiven or not.’

  ‘Oh, Steve, leave the poor girl alone. It’s only been a fortnight since her husband left. She doesn’t need you going all stalker on her.’

  ‘She says she’ll give me a ring or text sometime this week, so that’s a start.’

  He looks so hopeful, my heart breaks for him.

  ‘You need to give her some space. She’ll come around, and I can have a quiet word, put in a good one or two for you.’

  ‘Cheers, sis. You and Adrian seem to be getting on all right.’

  ‘Yeah, we’re muddling along. I’m glad he’s back from his mothers. That’s an additional stress he doesn’t need right now.’

  ‘So what’s happening with his mother?’

  ‘She’s at his sisters. Jan finally offered to take her.’

  ‘Oh, good. So are you going to decide what you’re doing?’

  ‘I didn’t really want to have a big talk over Christmas so I’ll see how it goes. I’m definitely enjoying today, though, no heavy conversations.’

  ‘You’ll work it out, sis.’

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘Aren’t we a pair? Shall we resolve to sort our private lives out this next year?’

  ‘Okay.’ I shake his hand.

  ‘What’re you two up to?’ asks Mirelle.

  ‘We’re making resolutions,’ I tell her.

  ‘Oooh, great idea, let’s all make them. Hang on, I’ll get a pen and paper,’ shouts Amber.

  She writes our names on the paper. ‘It’ll be in writing so it’s official and you’ll have to stick to it. Okay, in alphabetical order, so I’m first.’

  She holds up two fingers like Scout’s Honour. ‘I resolve to not be so impulsive and to think before I act.’

  Adrian falls about laughing. ‘Well you’ve already broken that one because my name comes before yours but you rushed in before I had a chance to say anything.’

 
She mock slaps herself on the forehead. ‘Oh God, so it does. Sorry Adrian. Well, it doesn’t count until New Year’s Day anyway, so I’m excused.’

  ‘I resolve to look at my life and make changes,’ says Adrian, looking at me.

  I’m next. ‘For me, I resolve to do more travelling this next year and see more European Cities and possibly New York.’

  ‘Oh, can I come?’ says Mirelle. ‘I resolve to not judge books by their covers,’ she says as she looks at Shaun.

  ‘I resolve to make this lady very happy.’ He winks at her in a wicked way, pinches her bum and she yelps.

  ‘So it’s just me,’ says Steve. ‘I resolve to be honest over the next year, to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.’

  ‘Right, well that’s all written down then folks. So you have six more days free to misbehave before they start,’ says Amber. ‘Now can I get anyone anything?’

  ‘Just our coats,’ says Shaun. ‘It’s time to leave you in peace, it’s getting late.’

  We all agree and head off back to our respective homes.

  Chapter 28

  Amber

  So I’m sitting surrounded by friends who weren’t in my life a year ago, rather than with the husband I expected to be seated with. Shaun has been amazing prepping dinner. I’ve hardly had anything to do with the food which meant I could get all my decs out and trim the table up. I’ve put my bauble print vinyl tablecloth on the dining table and thrown Christmas confetti over it. There are tiny Christmas trees, baubles, Santas’ and the words Merry Xmas. Everyone seems to be making an effort to speak to the people they haven’t met before.

  Steve sits to one side of me and I end up with Karen’s husband at the other. I turn myself towards him so I don’t have to engage in conversation with Steve.

  ‘Well, it’s nice to meet you, Adrian, albeit under quite unusual circumstances.’

  ‘I’ll say. Thanks for letting me stop for dinner, and such a beautiful one at that.’

  ‘Oh, it’s no problem.’

  There’s a silence as I’m not sure what to say.

  ‘Erm… how’s your mum doing? Karen said she’d been poorly.’