Losing It

by Cora Carmack

  I’d ever been. “Shoes are stupid. Why do people wear them?”

  He laughed, “So they don’t step on a nail and get tetanus, that’s why.”

  “Wear. Where. Wear. W’s are wwweeird.”

  He laughed, so I laughed, even though I had no idea what was funny.

  “You’re adorable. Come here. I’ll give you a piggyback ride home to save your feet.”

  “Yay!”

  He squatted, and I leapt onto his back. With my high heels in his hands, we teetered down the road. When we walked into my parking lot, I was singing a made up song that went something like,“Cade is my hero! Zero to hero!”

  “What do you mean zero? I was never a zero!”

  “Cade is my best friend! One day we’re gonna be on West End! His car smells like cheese! I just wanna give him a squeeze!”

  Rusty called, “Give him a squeeze in private!”

  “And Rusty is a douche! And the wind in my hair smells like whoosh!”

  Cade laughed, “Don’t you mean sounds?”

  “What sounds?”

  “Nevermind,” He chuckled.

  I saw my apartment come into view.

  “Aw, crap. I forgot my purse.”

  “I’ve got it, babe.”

  “You do? You’re the best!”

  I gave him a loud, smacking kiss. I’d been aiming for his cheek, but I think it landed somewhere on his neck.

  About that time, I heard Jeremy shout, “Hey! Mr. T! What’s up?”

  “There’s a wrestler here?” I asked.

  “Nah, it’s Mr. Taylor.”

  I squeaked, let go of Cade’s shoulder, and leaned back to look for him. In doing so, I threw off Cade’s balance, and the both of us toppled to the ground, him on top of me.

  I groaned.

  “Shiiiit. Cade weighs a lot. Way more than I thought!” I moaned/sang.

  I felt adrift, my world rocking like I was out at sea.

  Cade said, “Hey Mr. Taylor.”

  “Hello Cade. You all right?”

  “Sure thing.” He pushed himself up onto his knees, and then stood. When he tried to pick me up too, I got a good look at Garrick staring down at me. His hair was all sexy and his grin so gorgeous.

  It wasn’t fair that he looked so good.

  I groaned and covered my eyes.

  “Why does the world hate me?”

  They both laughed, but it wasn’t funny. SERIOUSLY. Why does the world hate me?

  “Come on, babe.” Cade tried to pull me up, but my body felt dead.

  “I don’t think I can stand,” I told him. “I feel like a wet noodle.”

  “Do you now?” Cade’s amused face looked away from me, and my eyes drifted shut. “Do you mind, Mr. Taylor?

  The next thing I knew I was in the air and I was flying. I leaned to my left, and there was the side of Garrick’s face. It was such a pretty side of a face. My arm was around his shoulder, and together, he and Cade were carrying me. Garrick took hold of me completely while Cade crouched and dug through my purse for my keys.

  I laid my head against Garrick’s chest.

  “You smell so good. Why do you always smell so good?”

  Cade laughed, “Oookay. And that’s our cue to let the professor go.”

  I let go of Garrick, and Cade’s arm wrapped around my middle.

  “Sorry, Mr. Taylor.”

  “It’s not a big deal.”

  “Listen, she’d be horrified if she knew you saw her like this. I swear she’s not normally like this. She’s just been really stressed lately for some reason.”

  “It’s fine, Cade. I promise. Goodnight, Bliss.”

  I perked up and snatched the sleeve of his shirt. “No, stay.”

  Rusty popped up then, his accordion still in hand. “Yeah, Garrick, stay. Bliss Baby has vodka.”

  Garrick smirked at me. “I think Bliss Baby has had enough. And thank you for the offer, but there are still some lines I shouldn’t cross.” His eyes met mine, and I knew he wasn’t just talking about the party. That sobered me up a little, not much, but enough to know that I was making a fool of myself.

  “You guys be careful. Have fun.”

  Then he walked away, and Cade helped me inside and on to my couch.

  The guys went about raiding my fridge, and Kelsey sat by me on the couch, and laid across my lap.

  “So, your lover was looking pretty great tonight.”

  “Kelsey! Shut up!”

  “What? No one heard me.”

  I looked around. She was right. The guys were stealing chips out of my pantry. Lindsay and Victoria were pouring vodka into glasses of orange juice. When I was sure no one was paying attention, I looked back at Kelsey.

  “He always looks good. I don’t know how much longer I can handle this. One day I’m going to spontaneously sexually combust and jump him in the middle of class.”

  She laughed, “As interesting as that would be…. you know it’s a terrible idea. Besides… you’ve already had him. Apparently he was good enough to make you want him again, but it’s not like he’s a mystery you’re dying to puzzle out. You just need a distraction.”

  I nodded half-heartedly, even though I was pretty sure nothing could distract me from wanting Garrick. And what Kelsey didn’t know was that he was still a mystery to me. And God, did I want to play Nancy Drew.

  Kelsey’s eyes gleamed, and she pushed herself up and off of my lap.

  “Do you know what game I’ve never played?” She asked the entire room. “Spin the bottle!”

  Victoria looked skeptical. “You’ve never played Spin the Bottle? Seriously?’

  Kelsey shrugged, then turned to peer at me over her shoulder, and winked. “What can I say?” She continued. “I was a late bloomer. By the time these ladies came in,” she gestured to her ginormous boobs, “People had stopped needing a game as an excuse to make out.”

  Cade raised an eyebrow at her. “And we need an excuse now?”

  She hopped off the couch, and settled Indian style on the ground, grabbing a half-full water bottle off the coffee table. “Of course not. But it’s the game that’s exciting.”

  She grabbed my arm and tugged. I landed on the floor in a heap, laughing hysterically.

  “See?” Kelsey said. “Bliss is already having fun. Vic, bring the vodka! We’ll make this a little more interesting. This is adult Spin the Bottle. Which means none of that peck on the lips stuff. I wanna see tongue.”

  “I swear, Kelsey, you’re more of a perv than most guys I know. “ Lindsay said.

  “Thank you! Now, I’m not unreasonable. You can choose to do a peck instead…. but you have to do a shot as penalty.”

  Most of the boys looked relieved. Rusty looked disappointed.

  “There are far more girls here than guys,” Lindsay pointed out.

  Victoria grinned, “Perhaps we should go find Garrick and make him join us.”

  I blanched, “No! Absolutely not.”

  “God, Bliss, you’re such a prude.”

  Kelsey sent me a knowing smile. And I definitely needed that distraction. I reached forward and set the bottle spinning.

  It landed on Rusty, and I didn’t even give him a chance to opt out of the kiss. I leaned across the circle, grabbed his collar and pulled him toward me. I was drunk enough that the kiss was a little sloppy, but we were all drunk, so what did it matter? I kissed him for several seconds longer before pushing him back down and sliding back to my seat.

  Rusty whistled, “Damn girl. If I weren’t 110% gay, I would ask you out right now.”

  I threw my head back and laughed. It felt good to let go.

  Rusty went next, and poor Jeremy was the next victim. He grabbed the bottle of vodka and said, “No offense, Rusty, but you’re just not my type.” He smiled, took a big gulp, and then planted a lightning fast peck on Rusty’s lips.

  We oooh’ed like middle schoolers.

  A knock sounded on the door, and Kelsey hopped up and skipped down the hall. She returned
with ten more people from our department.

  “You don’t mind, do you?” She asked me. It was just like Kelsey to invite first and get permission later. I shook my head anyway, way past caring.

  “Excellent, take your seats ladies and gentlemen. It’s time for some debauchery.”

  And there was really no other term for it. In a matter of minutes, I’d seen so many friends making out with friends, regardless of whether they liked each other or drove each other crazy or thought of each other as siblings. For one night we put everything aside and let a bottle of Aquafina determine our lives.

  The next time the bottle landed on me, the spinner was a girl. The guys all booed us when we both chose the penalty shot. But they cheered at our peck anyway. Laughing, I spun the bottle again and it landed on Cade.

  Cade had that cute boy-next-door look, right down to the boyish grin he fixed on me now. I shrugged and crawled toward him. Kneeling before him, I put my hands on his shoulders and leaned in.

  The kiss was just like any other kiss at first… and then suddenly it wasn’t. Cade’s hand cradled my head and his other pulled me in at the waist. His lips moved against mine feverishly, desperately, like the world was about to end and this was his last chance at happiness.

  The kiss was just hard enough to make warmth uncurl in my stomach, but gentle enough that I felt like I was being worshipped. For a moment, I forgot where I was and who I was with and I just basked in the heat, in the pleasure.

  Then someone whistled, and piece-by-piece the world came back to me. I opened my eyes to stare at my friend, who had kissed me like he wanted to be anything but.

  I returned to my side of the circle, ignoring my friends’ commentary on the kiss. Dazed and way beyond confused, I retreated into myself through the next few turns.

  I could feel eyes on me. Cade’s for sure, probably Kelsey’s, too. But my mind was focused on holding it together, because I was one crack away from disintegrating.

  We were drunk. It probably didn’t mean anything. And I was so messed up over Garrick, that I was desperate for contact with anyone. That was it.

  It didn’t mean anything.

  We’re still friends. Cade and I will always be friends.

  I stayed for a few more minutes, until my head was spinning too much for me to ignore. I was feeling a bit sick to my stomach.

  I stood and excused myself, telling everyone to stay as long as they’d like. I told them where to find extra blankets and pillows if they wanted to stay and crash, and then I retreated into my bedroom, crawling under the covers, and dropping the forced smile.

  I told myself things would be better in the morning.

  Chapter Thirteen

  When morning came, Kelsey was passed out beside me in bed, and there were five people in my living room and one in my bathtub. I smiled at that for half a second before my hangover not-so-gently reminded me how much I hated the world.

  I brushed my teeth and splashed my face with water before returning to my room. I heard my front door open and close quietly, and I peeked my head out of the curtain to see who it was.

  Cade had returned with enough greasy breakfast to feed us all.

  I took a deep breath and entered the room.

  “You are a life-saver!” I whispered.

  He looked up, smiling, and handed me a massive bacon, egg, and cheese burrito.

  “How are you feeling?”

  I frowned. “Like I got hit by a bus. A really heavy one, full of sumo wrestlers.”

  I hopped up on the counter, and regretted it for another ten seconds as my head spun. He took a seat on the barstool below me.

  The burrito was perfect. Thick, fluffy tortilla, hot eggs, delicious salsa.

  “I am in love with this burrito. I would marry it if I didn’t want to eat it so badly.”

  “The tragedy of true love,” Cade whispered.

  I sort of smiled and he sort of smiled, and for the first time in years, I felt awkward with Cade. I looked away and focused on the people littered around my living room.

  “How was everything after I went to bed?”

  “More of the same. If he wasn’t already, Jeremy’s most definitely head over heels for Kelsey. Victoria left half a pack of cigarette butts on the ground outside. And Rusty was atrociously sick in your bathroom.”

  I wrinkled my nose.

  “Don’t worry. It’s all cleaned up. I knew you’d have a heart attack if you woke up to that.”

  I swallowed and a weight settled deep in my stomach.

  “You’re too good to me, Cade.”

  He just shrugged. He’d always been too good to me.

  “Listen,” I started. “About last night…”

  He scratched at the back of his head, and his mouth pulled up in a half-hearted smile.

  “Yeah, I guess we should talk about that, huh?”

  His hands settled onto the counter beside me, like he needed to brace himself for what was coming. I cleared my throat, but it didn’t make it any easier to talk. “So… you?”

  His hands tightened until his knuckles turned white. Then, all at once, he let go and answered, “Yeah, I do. I have… for a while.”

  I looked up, but his face was unreadable.

  “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

  “Because… I was scared. You’re my best friend. And you almost never date… I just didn’t think you’d be interested.”

  Was I interested? I could feel nonsensical tears pressing at the corner of my eyes, and I blinked them away. Cade was a great guy. And I loved spending time with him. And the kiss had definitely been good. It made sense to like him. I wanted to like him, but… Garrick was the but. Could I stop thinking about Garrick? Stop wanting him?

  I heard Cade sigh. “You’re not interested, are you?”

  God, did his eyes have to be so expressive? I could read every disappointment, every insecurity in them. I loved him; that much was for sure. And I think I could one day be in love with him, but I had to get rid of my feelings for Garrick first. If this had happened last semester, would I even be torn?

  “Honestly, Cade? I don’t know. Is maybe a terrible answer?”

  He thought about it for the moment, and I couldn’t take the silence.

  “It’s not that I don’t like you. I think you’re pretty perfect actually. I just… you’re my best friend, too, and I’m not sure. I need to be sure.”

  “I want you to be sure, too.” He took a deep breath and smiled. It was a good smile, but not as bright as I was used to from him. “I can live with maybe.”

  ***

  When I arrived at the theatre Monday morning, the callback list had already been posted.

  Cast (and Callback) lists are a monster in and of themselves. It’s just a simple piece of paper on the wall, but surround it with people who already know your fate and it becomes like walking to the gallows. Eyes turned toward me. I struggled to gauge their reactions. Were they looking at me with pity? Were they just concealing their excitement? Two feet apart, and I existed in an entirely different world than them, than those people who’d already read that slip of paper. And when I would join them, the pressure wouldn’t stop. At the list, you couldn’t show emotion. You couldn’t cry over a part that wasn’t yours or bitch over whose part it became. You couldn’t scream out of excitement or out of rage. You just had to read it, and not emote at all. Which might not seem that difficult, except that we are actors. Emoting is what we do.

  Cade met me a few feet away.

  “Have you already looked?”

  He shook his head. “No, I was waiting for you.”

  Things were a still awkward from when we’d talked the day before. We hadn’t quite figured out what that all-important maybe meant for us. But at that moment, it didn’t matter. We were two actors, about to face rejection or another battle. We were full to the brim of anxiety, even if we tried not to show it, and there wasn’t any room for the other multitude of emotions we had going on between us at that moment.


  He took my hand, and I didn’t let myself worry about what that could mean. I needed the comfort. I needed him to balance me. And I was fairly certain he needed the same.

  We took the last few steps toward the list quickly, and the crowd there adjusted to let us through.

  Hippolytus was first on the list; he was the step-son.

  There were seven boys called back, Cade and Jeremy among them.

  I looked up at him, and he was completely stoic. Not a thing showed on his face. Not excitement, not nerves. Seven meant the director wasn’t sure. It meant he hadn’t seen what he wanted yet. It meant that the part was anyone’s game, whoever stepped it up the most during callbacks.

  I squeezed Cade’s hand, and immediately he squeezed back.

  I know that people talk about their hearts racing all the time, and that it doesn’t even seem like that big of a deal. But as I looked back at the list, my heart was racing like my whole life rested on that finish line. Sounds were fuzzy in my ears, and my vision had narrowed, and I felt like I was on the verge, on the edge of something terrifying and glorious that could mean flying or falling—success or disaster.

  My eyes found the bolded PHAEDRA right below that.

  And then I saw my name, nothing but my name, like it was the light at the end of the tunnel. It was better than crossing any finish line. It was like taking that first breath of air when I’d felt certain I was drowning, certain I was dying. I stifled the relief and the joy, because people were watching, and because this was only a callback list. It only meant they hadn’t ruled me out yet.

  Cade’s other hand joined our already linked ones, covering mine completely.

  My eyes kept scanning down.

  THESEUS

  That couldn’t be right. Theseus was a character. My eyes went back up, searching for what I’d missed. There were the seven names under Hippolytus. And there, under Phaedra, there was only mine.

  They weren’t calling anyone back.

  It was just me.

  I’d gotten the part.

  And then, breaking all the rules of the list, I screamed. Cade laughed, and picked me up at the waist, spinning me around. People around us were clapping, and I knew some had heard rumors of our kiss based on the way they were looking at us. But for a moment, for one blissful moment, none of that mattered.