Losing It

by Cora Carmack

  want us to be how we’ve always been. God, that’s stupid. I know we can’t be. I know things can’t be how they were before, but… I don’t know. Nevermind. Just… let me know you’re okay. You’re not at my car, and I don’t know how you got home, if you got home. Just call me. Please. Let’s talk about this.”

  A few minutes later, I was sitting beside my car in the gravel, my jeans smeared with dust, and I got a text.

  I’m fine.

  I tried to call again, straight to voicemail again.

  And as hard as I tried to feel otherwise, as hard as I tried to hope that we’d get past this… I already felt it. I felt burnt out.

  Maybe it was the grief. Maybe I’d just finally gone crazy. Maybe I just didn’t have anywhere else to go. But when I got back to my apartment complex, I didn’t go to my apartment.

  Hamlet in hand, I went to Garrick’s.

  I don’t know what I looked like when he opened the door. I don’t really want to know. But he opened the door wider almost instantly, gesturing me in with no questions asked.

  I’d never been in his apartment. I should have taken it all in or asked him to show me around. I should have said something, but the only thing on the tip of my tongue was a sob, and it took all of my energy, all of my concentration to hold that inside.

  But even that wasn’t enough when his fingers tilted my chin up. He spoke my name, and I saw the worried look in those eyes. The tears streamed out of me like a cup overflowing, and I couldn’t control it, couldn’t breathe right, couldn’t explain.

  He took Hamlet’s box out of my hands and wrapped an arm around my shoulder. He led me down a hallway almost identical to mine into a living room that was vastly different. It was filled with books, some in shelves, some in stacks on the floor. The furniture was simple, slightly modern, but not so modern that I hesitated to sink into the cushions of the black couch, snatching up a white pillow to hug to my chest. Then Garrick was beside me, pulling the soft pillow out of my hands, and replacing its comfort with himself. He pulled me into his lap, cradling me like a child, wiping away tears, brushing back my hair, rubbing at my back.

  “He hates me,” I finally managed. He hadn’t asked, but his concern tugged at me anyway, tugged the words right from my mouth.

  “Who does, love?”

  Quick, short breaths puttered from my lips, little whimpers that I couldn’t seem to control.

  “C-Cade.”

  “Cade could never hate you,” he said.

  “He does. He left. He won’t even talk to me.” I dissolved into another fit of tears, and he just pulled me in close, tucking my head underneath his chin, against his chest.

  He let me cry, murmuring things all the while. You’ll be okay, love. Things will work out. Calm down. Breathe, Bliss. I’m here. It will be okay. Whatever it is we’ll take care of it. It’s okay, love.

  He must have whispered a thousand variations. But he never stopped trying, no matter how much I wasn’t hearing him. When I was finished crying, I was too tired to do anything else. I lay limply against him, doing nothing but breathing in and breathing out. And he held me still. Finally, a noise broke through the fog. A low, annoyed groan.

  Hamlet. I’d left Hamlet trapped in that box this whole time.

  Filled with purpose, I sat up, clear headed again for the moment.

  “I’m sorry, I need to take her home.” I was standing and reaching for her crate, when Garrick took me by the elbows.

  “Stay, love. You’re upset. I’ll take care of the cat.”

  No. I couldn’t let him do that. Because then he’d see that all the cat stuff I’d bought the night before was still brand new and unused.

  “No, it’s okay. I really should go. I’m okay, now. Thanks.”

  “Bliss, please, talk to me.”

  My body was leaning toward him against my will, aching for his comfort again, but I hadn’t made a decision yet.

  “I don’t know…”

  “How about this—you go home and take care of the cat, and in a little while, I’ll bring dinner. We can talk or just watch a movie or whatever you need to do. I just… if you leave like this, I’ll go crazy worrying about you.”

  After a moment, I nodded.

  “Okay.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes, just give me an hour, okay?”

  He smiled, and I knew… I was in trouble.

  ***

  I was pretty sure my new cat hated me.

  Not that I blamed her, after I left her in that box for so long.

  No matter what I did, she let out that closed mouth growl every time I took a step anywhere near her. I set up food for her in the kitchen, which she ignored. I made a litter box and put it in a storage closet. I picked her up, and carried her to the box, placing her inside so she’d know where it was. She hissed once, and then ran, kicking up litter in her wake. She disappeared under my couch, only her glowing, evil eyes visible in the darkness.

  Why hadn’t I told Garrick I had a cat named Lady Macbeth? That would have been so much more fitting.

  For the rest of the time, I was left alone with my thoughts, which were about as pleasant as the Ebola virus. I straightened up the living room, then thought about running away. I straightened up my bedroom, then rushed to the bathroom, certain I was going to vomit. I didn’t. I almost wished I had. I could have said I was sick.

  Before I really got the chance to talk my self into or out of this… there was a knock at the door.

  My heart felt like someone was using it as a trampoline. I took a deep breath. I hadn’t promised him anything. He’d said we could talk. Or watch a movie. Or do whatever I wanted. This didn’t have to be a big deal.

  When I opened the door, Garrick looked so cheerful that it was hard to keep dreading his presence.

  “I forgot to ask what you wanted, so I got pizza, a burger, and a salad.” He was balancing all three in his hands, and I was all at once overwhelmed with how much I liked him. Not just in a romantic way. In general. He was kind of amazing.

  I smiled, “Pizza is good.”

  I moved back, and he stepped inside my apartment. As much as I was freaking out earlier, it felt natural to have him here. Not that I wasn’t still nervous, it was just… he felt like he belonged.

  We made our way into my kitchen/living room, and he set the food on the small circular island that jutted out from my kitchen counter. I busied myself getting us both drinks and plates, and when there was nothing else I could distract myself with, I pulled out one of the barstools tucked underneath the island counter, and took a seat beside him. I pulled a slice of pizza on my plate, and he opened the salad.

  I narrowed my eyes at him.

  “You are not seriously going to sit there and eat a salad while I stuff my face with greasy goodness, are you?”

  He dumped dressing on top of his lettuce and grinned. “Oh, I’m going to eat the burger, too. And some pizza, if you leave me any.”

  I rolled my eyes. Guys sucked.

  We talked. Not really about anything that mattered. He balked when I dipped my pizza in ranch. When I made him try it, he puckered his face up like it was gross, but I saw him dip a slice again later when I was up refilling my drink. It wasn’t until I was so full that I felt like I was going to burst that he brought up my earlier breakdown.

  “So, can you tell me now what happened with Cade?”

  I picked at the pepperoni on the half-eaten slice of pizza on my plate.

  “We had a fight, I guess. I think. I’m not sure. We’ve never really had a fight before.”

  “About?”

  I pushed out the air I’d been holding in my lungs, and set about returning things to the fridge, and placing our plates in the sink.

  “About the kiss.”

  I could imagine Garrick’s reaction without seeing it, so I decided to go ahead and wash the dishes… by hand… even though I had a dishwasher.

  “He likes me,” I continued. “He told me after the kiss, and we
’ve been trying to act like nothing changed, but it was awful, and I just got tired of pretending things were normal.”

  He appeared beside me, taking a plate, and drying it for me. He must have realized by now that it was easier for me to talk, when we weren’t looking at each other because he kept his eyes focused on the plate long after it was dry.

  “So, what did you do?”

  “I told him I didn’t think it was going to happen.”

  “You weren’t even a little interested?” Garrick asked.

  I didn’t think Garrick really wanted to hear this, but he was going to get what he asked for. I needed someone to vent to.

  “I thought about it. Cade is sweet, and I like being with him, but he doesn’t really make me feel anything.”

  He stopped staring the plate, and turned toward me, leaning his hip against the counter beside me.

  “Do I make you feel anything?”

  I glanced up at him just long enough to see if he was joking. He wasn’t. I looked away.

  “That’s a stupid question.”

  “Is it? You’re harder to read than you think you are.”

  I dried my hands on a towel, and moved to the couch, pushing myself into a corner, and dragging a pillow into my lap.

  “I’m serious,” Garrick continued. “Sometimes you react… like, well, how I want you to react. But then other times, like outside during callbacks, you push me away like you’re not affected by me the way I am by you.”

  I squeezed the pillow tighter to my chest.

  “I’m affected, Garrick. I’m just also confused… and worried. And I don’t understand why you aren’t.”

  He took a seat on the opposite side of the couch, the entire middle cushion separating us.

  “I think that’s all I do is worry,” he said

  “And you still think this is smart?”

  He shook his head, laughing. “Oh, it’s definitely not smart. I know that. But honestly, Bliss? I’m miserable here. It’s great to have a steady job, and I’m enjoying teaching, but I don’t have any friends left here. I go to work, and then I go back to my apartment. And I think about you because I can’t help it, and there’s nothing else to distract me. Especially when I know you are only one building away. The night we met… Bliss, I don’t normally do things like that. But I was second-guessing everything about coming here, and you were everything I needed. I don’t know how many times I’ve stopped myself from coming over here and knocking on your door. And yes, seeing you with Cade was definitely motivation, but more than that… I just like you, Bliss. As a teacher. As a person. As a guy.”

  It was hard to keep my breathing steady, hard to keep the longing from showing on my face, hard to keep from reaching for him.

  “So, what now?” I asked him.

  “I have absolutely no idea.”

  I had so many ideas. That was the problem.

  “If we do this…” I started, and then stopped. His entire posture had changed, and I felt it echoed in my own. We were about to cross a line, and we both knew it. “If we do this, we have to be careful.” He nodded, his eyes fixed on me. “And I think we should take it slow. If we get caught up in this too fast, we’ll get sloppy.” And I needed more time to think about this, about sex with him, and whether it was something I wanted to do.

  I wasn’t sure slow was something we could do, but it was the only way I could do this without freaking out. Who was I kidding? I was going to freak out regardless. The difference was whether it was a feel-like-I’m-going-to-be-sick-freak-out or a lock-myself-in-my-apartment-for-a-week-freak-out.

  “Okay,” Garrick slid closer to me on the couch, halfway on to the middle cushion. “I can do careful… and slow.”

  My skin was invaded with goose bumps when he reached a hand out to me. I let myself be afraid for a second, but then the need to touch him overpowered even my fear. I pushed the pillow out of my lap, and slid toward him. I put my hand in his, and he pulled it up to his mouth, holding it there against his lips. He closed his eyes, and the simple touch soaked into my body, soothing my anxiety.

  Like a key into a lock, my body fell into his, fitting perfectly. With my head on his chest, and his arm around my shoulder, I took a deep breath and knew there was no going back.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The easiness of the night before evaporated by Friday morning. Cade wasn’t mad per say, but he wasn’t much of anything really. He didn’t talk to me in the greenroom or sit by me in class. When I joined a conversation, he left it. I was a habit, and he appeared to be quitting cold turkey.

  Garrick’s gentle smile in Senior Prep helped. We’d commandeered the computers in the Design lab for the day to do post-grad research. Some were researching graduate schools, others scouring for internships. Kelsey was looking at airline tickets and hostels in random cities around the world.

  I was looking at the search engine homepage.

  Hands curled around the back of my chair, and Garrick’s body leaned in close to mine. The proximity was altogether distracting.

  “What are you thinking, Bliss?”

  I should have said, you. Naked. That would have shocked him. Not that I was actually thinking of him naked… well, now that I mentioned it I was… damn.

  Like I said, distracting.

  I shook my head, because I didn’t have an answer, not one I could say out loud. He stepped around me and leaned on the table, looking at me.

  “Acting or Stage Management?” The gaze he fixed on me felt too personal in this room full of my classmates, even if none of them were looking, well, other than Kelsey. She watched pretty much any time Garrick talked to me, which reminded me that we had to be careful.

  “I don’t know,” I muttered.

  “Okay, well what about a city? You can start looking at apartments. That’s certainly something you’ve got to think about, especially if you’re going to New York.”

  I stared at the search engine box. It was taunting me.

  “I can’t afford New York,” I told him.

  “That’s okay. Most people can’t. There are plenty of regional markets to consider. Philadelphia.” I jerked around to face him. Was he telling me to look at Philadelphia? Where he lived? Was he trying to tell me something or was I reading too far into this. His face was blank as he continued, “Dallas and Houston both have a fair amount of work. Chicago. Seattle. Boston. D.C. There’s plenty to choose from, actually.” I turned back toward my computer, my heart still beating a little too fast. I was definitely reading into this. It wasn’t like we were serious. We’d spent the evening cuddled on my couch. That didn’t mean we were together or that I was ready to move halfway across the country with him.

  “Just explore. Look up something,” He said before leaving me to continue walking around the room.

  I placed my fingers on the keys, but they felt like lead, too weighted to move. I stared at the key with the letter “P.” I could see Kelsey watching me out of the corner of my eye, and as curious as I was now about Philadelphia, I typed “Stage Management Internships” into the search engine.

  Then I clicked from webpage to webpage, watching the clock in the corner of my screen, willing the numbers to change faster.

  When class was over, my relief was short-lived.

  The cast list had been posted.

  I was still Phaedra, which was good. How embarrassing would it have been if Eric had changed his mind? Kelsey got Aphrodite like she wanted. Rusty did get a soldier, just like he’d predicted.

  And Cade was Hippolytus.

  ***

  I knocked on Garrick’s door that evening, nervous despite our agreement to take things slow. We hadn’t really talked about doing anything tonight, and despite our tenuous relationship, we’d yet to exchange numbers. So, I hoped I wasn’t being needy by seeking him out a second night in a row. Hamlet, definitely, was glad to have me out of the apartment. We still weren’t coexisting very well.

  My worry eased when he opened the door and said, �
�Oh thank God. I’ve been thinking about coming round to your place for over an hour, but I was afraid I’d knock on the door and you’d have people over or something.”

  I laughed.

  “Maybe we should actually exchange numbers then.”

  He said, “Are you going to put me in your phone under some secret code name so that no one knows who I am when I text you dirty things?”

  My eyes widened. “Are you planning to text me dirty things?”

  His eyes danced with amusement and that blinding grin was back on his face. “I’m not ruling it out.”

  Oh. Oh. My nerves shot back up.

  He took my hand, and pulled me into his living room where a book was open on his sofa. It was poetry, of course, because he was perfect, and woefully out of my league. He marked his page, and placed the collection on top of a pile of books at the edge of the sofa.

  He reached and laced our fingers together in the space between us. I wanted to lean into him, wrap myself around him, and not move from his arms until I had to, but I still felt awkward. Were we in that place yet where we could just do that? Or did we have to work our way up to it?

  “So… Cast list?” He asked.

  I groaned and leaned my head back against his couch.

  “It’s not that bad, is it?”

  “That depends on whether or not Cade is speaking to me by the time rehearsal rolls around in two weeks.”

  I didn’t have to worry about easing into it, because Garrick had no qualms about pulling me to him. My head fit perfectly onto the curve of his shoulder.

  “Cade seems like a reasonable guy. I’m sure after a while to process everything, he’ll be better.”

  I nodded, hoping he was right, but not feeling confident. Cade was reasonable. Trouble was… reason probably told him to stay the hell away from me if he didn’t want his heart stomped on. And maybe that would be for the best.

  He deserved someone better.

  “All right,” Garrick said. “Enough about that. I don’t like that sad look on your face. Unfortunately our options for the evening are limited, since we can’t actually go anywhere. So how about a movie?”

  I pulled a smile onto my face. When he smiled back it took less effort to hold it there. “A movie sounds good.”

  He picked something funny, probably in an effort to cheer me up. Then he flicked off the lights, and joined me again on the couch. As the opening credits began, He leaned back, pulling me with him. He was stretched out on his back, and I was on my side, fitted between him and the back of the couch. I hesitated a moment before laying my head against his chest.

  I tried to watch the movie, I really did, but it was hard to concentrate with his steady, even breaths ruffling my hair, and his hand tracing up and down my spine. It was somewhere between ticklish and seductive. I was hyper aware of the way every once and a while, his finger would continue a little farther down my back, until he barely touched the stretch of skin between the bottom of my shirt and the top of my shorts. He would stay there for only the barest of seconds before returning up my back. Then his finger danced up to the sensitive skin at the back of my neck, and I had to hold back a moan. I glanced up at him quickly, but he was focused on the movie, completely unaware of the madness he was driving me to.

  Finally, I decided it was time for him to get a dose of what I was feeling. I uncurled the fist I had resting on his chest, pressing my fingertips ever so slightly into his chest. I started by tracing the abstract design on his t-shirt, something from a band, I think. But once I’d done that I kept trailing my hands across his chest, across the curve of one pec, down the sternum to his ridged