Dark Surrendering

by Chelsea M. Cameron

  “So, that was how long you lasted?” He probably didn’t want to talk about this, but tough. He had to talk to someone.

  “Yeah. I got a little mouthy, and that was it. They’d already taken a risk hiring me, so I was on thin ice there, too.” I hopped up on the counter and swung my legs.

  “So, what did you do all those days when you were supposed to be working?”

  He shrugged and didn’t look at me. “Walked around.” That was the answer he’d given his brother. I didn’t buy it.

  “No, really. What did you do? Because that was a hell of a lot of time to spend strolling.”

  He dropped a glass and it shattered in the sink.

  “Fuck,” he said, yanking his hand back.

  “Did you cut yourself?” I asked, jumping off the counter and rushing to him.

  “Yeah.” He ran his hand under the water.

  “How bad is it? Let me see.” I grabbed his arm and yanked it towards me so I could see if the cut was bad. Fortunately, it was shallow and only about a half-inch long. Still, it was bleeding.

  “Hold that under the water,” I said, and went to the bathroom to find some ointment and bandages. Ryder let me patch him up, and then I shoved him to the side so I could finish the dishes.

  “You’re good at taking care of people, Sloane,” he said as I fished the rest of the glass out of the sink so it didn’t go down the drain.

  I snorted. “Um, all I did was put a bandage on you. No big deal.” I finished the dishes, and we both sat on the couch.

  “No, you’re good at taking care of people. You may not see it, but I do.” Okay, sure. I wasn’t going to argue with him.

  “Hey, it’s snowing!” I said, jumping up and going to the window. I loved the first snow. Not so much the rest of it, but the first snow was always the best. In a perfect world, it would only snow once every winter. Maybe then people wouldn’t complain about it so much.

  Ryder joined me at the window. The snowflakes were just what they should be. Soft and floating down slowly from the sky. It was too warm for them to stick to the ground and actually form drifts, but it didn’t matter. I still loved watching it.

  “Let’s go for a walk,” he said in my ear.

  I turned and found our faces only inches apart. The last time we’d been this close, we’d been kissing. I had to stop thinking about stuff like that. Shut it down, Sloane.

  “A walk?” I said. I couldn’t stop staring at his lips. They were so tempting.

  “A walk,” he said, then pulled back. “Take a walk in the snow with me.”

  “We probably shouldn’t tell Rory and Lucah,” I said as we strolled through the falling snow. The streets were relatively quiet, making the whole experience feel like it was just the two of us.

  “About what?” he asked.

  “About the walk. I’m not sure if it’s on the list of approved activities for you.”

  He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. “They gave you a list of things I was allowed to do?”

  I nodded, keeping my face totally serious. “Yes, they did.”

  “And what was on the list?”

  “Checkers. Chess. Reading the Bible. Scrimshaw. Poetry.”

  He raised his eyebrows. It was hard to keep a straight face.

  “Really? Scrimshaw? Now that’s a hobby I could definitely get into.”

  “You don’t even know what scrimshaw is,” I said, poking him with my elbow.

  “No, I have no idea.”

  We kept walking, matching each other’s pace. The snow was melting in his hair, coating the strands with little bits of water that picked up the light.

  “Can I ask you a question?” I said, looking ahead again. I didn’t want to stare too much at him. He scrambled my brain and killed my common sense.

  “Sure,” he said.

  “How did you get that scar on your face? I’ve never asked.” I’d wanted to ask so many times, but he’d always been so touchy about his past.

  Ryder ran a finger down the cut on the side of his cheek. To be that long and deep, it had to have quite the story.

  “It’s stupid. The reason I don’t tell anyone is because I’d rather have them think that I got it in a street fight or something. That’s much better for my cred than the real story.” He did have a point, but I didn’t care about his cred. I cared about who he really was.

  “Okay, well, I won’t tell anyone so you can keep up your cred. But I want to know. I promise I won’t think it’s stupid.”

  He thought about it for a second, fighting with himself.

  “You are well aware I’ve done a lot of stupid things. A lot of beyond stupid things. It’s honestly a miracle I’ve survived this long. I seem to attract danger. Or maybe I seek it.”

  “I think it’s a little bit of both,” I said, interrupting. “But continue.”

  “When I was seventeen I got drunk and put my head through a window. There was this one shard of glass that got me. Most of the other scars on my face have faded, but that one’s here to stay.” He touched the scar again then put his hand back in his pocket.

  “Why did you put your face through a window?” There were so many possible scenarios.

  He looked up at the sky and his face got red.

  “See? This is why I don’t like talking about this. I did it on a dare. A very drunk dare. I told you I was stupid.” Yeah, that was pretty stupid. Sure, we’d all done dumb things when we were young, but I couldn’t put that on my own list of moronic decisions.

  “Ouch. It must have hurt.”

  “It did. When I sobered up.” He grinned and we both started laughing.

  “Can I ask you something?” he said after a few more steps.

  “Fire away.”

  “Why don’t you hate me?” Whoa. I wasn’t prepared for that. I thought he was going to ask something about my own mistakes. I had plenty and I was willing to talk about most of them, though some things I’d buried in the back of my mental closet, never to be seen or heard from again.

  “I don’t know,” I said, being honest. “I really wanted to hate you. Even in that moment, I thought I did, but I was more angry.”

  “Yeah, I was pretty mad at myself too.” The snow started falling more heavily, the flakes collecting and melting on my eyelashes. I wiped them away.

  “I was mad at you for a lot of reasons. You were doing so well and then you threw it away. I know you have a problem with addiction, but that shouldn’t excuse your actions. You have to be a fucking grown up and take responsibility for yourself. There are millions of other people who have had shittier lives than you that manage to suck it up and make something of themselves. And I don’t just mean being a dishwasher and living in a shitty apartment. That may be fine for some, but I don’t think that’s enough for you. I think you could do more.” Wow, I did not mean to make any sort of speech.

  Ryder was silent for a few steps.

  “I think I’ve just been fucking up for so long I don’t know how to just . . . let things happen. Let life happen. I guess I know that I’ll inevitably mess something up, so I screw it up on purpose.”

  “A self-fulfilling prophecy,” I said.

  “Exactly. But I want to change. I want to be better. And not so my brother will get off my back. I can’t explain it, but this time is different. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of living this way. I want something different. Something better.” God, I wanted to believe him. But I couldn’t do that until he showed me.

  “Good. That’s really good, Ryder. But now you have to walk the talk.”

  He sighed. “Yeah. That’s the hard part.”

  “That’s what she said.” The words came out before I could stop them. Ryder burst out laughing, throwing his head back.

  “I never want to do anything to drive you out of my life again. Ever.”

  Oh. Wow. I looked down so he wouldn’t see the grin on my face.

  “I’d really like that too, Ryder.”

  We got lunch at a sub shop the
n walked back to the apartment. The snow had stopped, and the only residue left was the wetness on the sidewalk and in the air.

  I was thinking about babies. Maybe it was the thing with April that brought it to mind. If anything, this had just made me even more secure in my decision not to have children. It wasn’t just the child raising part. I didn’t think that I could go through losing a pregnancy. No way.

  “What are you thinking about?” Ryder asked. I’d been silent for a while.

  “Stuff,” I said. Brilliant. But I couldn’t come up with something else and I didn’t want to talk babies with Ryder.

  “Uh-huh.” The elevator doors opened to our floor. Without even asking, I followed Ryder down to Rory and Lucah’s apartment.

  Ryder shut the door behind me and tossed his keys onto the kitchen counter. It hadn’t escaped my notice that he was wearing another one of my ensembles. Good thing I’d made a winter coat.

  “Can I talk to you about something?” he said as I crashed on the couch. The room was like a sauna compared to outside. Still, I wanted to put on thick socks and drink cocoa. For the millionth time, I wished our building had units with fireplaces. Someday, I’d have a place with a fireplace. And a giant tub. But definitely a fireplace.

  “Yeah,” I answered Ryder, still thinking about snow and fireplaces.

  “I think I’m going away.” I looked over my shoulder at him. He stood with his forearms braced on the back of the couch. I turned so I wouldn’t have to break my neck trying to see him.

  “What do mean by ‘away’?”

  He took a breath and looked down at his hands. “I think I’m going to treatment. An inpatient treatment.” I knew he’d been before, without much success.

  “Yeah? Do you think it will help?”

  He nodded. “I think this time it will. I can’t let all this shit eat away at my life. I’m only twenty-three and I don’t want my life to be over yet. Not when it feels like it hasn’t even started.”

  “I think that’s a really mature thing to say and a very mature decision to make. Have you talked to Lucah and Tate about it?”

  He walked around the couch and sat down next to me.

  “No, I haven’t yet. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. I found this place online that looks amazing. It’s out in the mountains of Colorado. You get to hike and climb rocks and do all sorts of things while you get therapy. The only thing is that it costs money. Money I do not have.” His face went red again. I didn’t know why he was suddenly embarrassed by his lack of money.

  “I’m sure your brothers would pay for it. You really should talk to them if this is what you want,” I said, touching his arm.

  “Yeah, I know. I just . . . I don’t want them to think that I’m going to disappoint them again. I know I have every other time they’ve had faith in me, but I really think this time I can do it.”

  My phone rang, interrupting us.

  “Hold on just a sec. It’s your brother.” I got up from the couch to answer. I didn’t feel comfortable talking about Ryder in front of Ryder.

  “Hey, how’s it going?” I said.

  “Hey, Sloane. I just wanted to let you know that April is out of the woods. She went into early labor and they gave her something to stop it and it finally worked. They’re going to keep her here a few more days to make sure and then she’s going to be on bed rest for the rest of the pregnancy.”

  “Oh thank God. That’s so amazing. I’m so happy for all of you.”

  “Thanks. How are things going with you?”

  “Things are going good. No problems. He’s been a perfect gentleman,” I said, winking at Ryder.

  “Are you being sarcastic? It’s really hard to tell right now.” I heard something muffled in the background that sounded like Rory and then there was a childish voice laughing hysterically.

  “No, I’m not being sarcastic. We’ve been fine. He made me dinner last night.” It was soup and grilled cheese, but still. It required some skill in the kitchen.

  “He did?” Lucah sounded shocked, and I hear Rory say something.

  “Look, everything is fine here. We might do some scrimshaw.”

  “What?” Lucah said. I grinned at Ryder and he shook his head at me.

  “Nothing. Look, you’re busy. We’re fine here. We’ll see you soon.”

  “Okay, okay. I’ll let you know when we’re coming home.”

  “Sounds good. Bye, Lucah. Say hello to Rory for me.”

  “I will.” We hung up and I found Ryder staring at me.

  “What the hell is scrimshaw?” Ryder said. “I’m seriously curious now.”

  Lucah called again that night and said they’d be coming home on Sunday night. April’s mother was coming to stay with them for a while to take care of the girls until they could figure out a solution for the rest of the pregnancy.

  The rest of the weekend with Ryder was somewhat uneventful, but it was . . . comfortable. Sweet. Sure, we had a few awkward moments when he accidentally (or so he said) grazed my boob when he went to hand me something, or his hand brushed my ass.

  I couldn’t lie and say I didn’t enjoy it, and I also couldn’t lie and say I hadn’t pretended to trip so I could grope his arms. For a guy who didn’t work out much (that I knew of), his arms were roped with muscle. He would look so majestic in a flannel shirt and posed on top of a mountain. The beard was just an added bonus.

  Sunday afternoon was spent with me drawing new sketches for bridesmaids’ dresses and Ryder criticizing them. I should have been offended, but I wasn’t, so I started making bad designs on purpose.

  “Now you’re just being cruel,” he said when I showed him something that looked like it was ripped from a bad 80s prom.

  “And if we do it in metallic? How awesome would that be?” I said. He started laughing and snatched the sketchpad away from me, holding it just out of reach.

  “Ryder!” I struggled to get to it, but he stood up and held it aloft.

  “No. I can’t give this back to you. I think all this fashion power has gone to your head, and you’re mad with it. I’m only doing what’s best for you and for all of us.” His face got serious as he tossed the book from hand to hand. I stopped trying to get it. If I did, things could get really intimate, really fast with all that grabbing.

  “Fine, keep it. It’s not like I don’t have a million more of those at my apartment. And you gave back my key.” I gave him a smug smile, but he didn’t give back the sketchpad.

  “Shit. I shouldn’t have given you that key back before I made a copy.” He shook his head. I, for one, was glad he no longer had a key. I kept having this nightmare that he’d walk in when I was doing something like clipping my toenails. I didn’t care so much if he saw me naked, but there were a lot of things I did that I didn’t want him to know about.

  “Yeah, well. You lose.”

  He pouted and handed back the sketchbook.

  “Thank you. And you know I’d never put Marisol and Chloe in such awful dresses. They’d both kill me then dispose of the body.” My friends were smart and wily. They knew how to get away with things.

  “Yeah, they would. And they’d never get caught.” Ryder had met my friends a couple of times but hadn’t seen them in a while.

  “Maybe we should all hang out or something. You know, with Lucah and Rory, and maybe Fin,” I said. Or maybe not. It might feel too couple-y if we did it that way.

  “Maybe. I don’t know. I’m not that much in the mood for hanging out these days,” he said. To me, that was one of the problems. Ryder spent the majority of his time in the apartment. That was bound to drive anyone crazy. When we used to go stay with Rory and her family up in Maine, we’d joke that if we were stuck there for too long we’d go cabin crazy.

  “And it’s not exactly easy to make friends,” Ryder said. Yeah, that was a real problem. It wasn’t like he was in college, or on a team, or had a job, which were all the usual places people made friends. I had a few guys working for me, but a lot of them had their o
wn groups, and most were slightly fabulous. Not really Ryder’s type of friends.

  “Maybe you’ll meet people in Colorado.”

  He raised one eyebrow. “Make friends with other addicts? Probably not the best idea. Although, I do hang out with Gil.”

  “Yeah, there’s Gil. He’s a good guy. And if you were around people who were struggling with the same thing then maybe it would help. Not that I know anything about this. I’m just guessing.” It sounded right.

  Ryder shrugged. “I don’t know. I really don’t know. The thing is, if I want to do this, I have to go now. It’s going to be winter in the mountains as it is.”

  “So you’re going to be camping in the woods in the middle of winter? Is that even safe?” That didn’t sound safe at all. What about frostbite?

  Ryder laughed. “Yeah, it’s safe. People do it all the time. You just have to get special winter camping gear and have an experienced guide with you. They have all that there. Besides, it sounds pretty badass.” It sounded pretty crazy to me, but if he wanted to do it, then that was great. This was the first thing, other than sex, that Ryder had shown an interest in for a long time. It was nice to see his eyes light up again.

  “So, what else do they have there?” I asked, wanting to hear more about the program. He pulled up the website and showed me all the things he could potentially do. The only thing I noticed was the length of the session. Thirty days minimum. One whole month in the Colorado wilderness. In the snow.

  “I really want to do it,” he said.

  “I can tell. You should.” I scanned the cost per day for the program and had done some quick math. Apparently camping in the winter in the Colorado mountains wasn’t cheap. There was definitely no way Ryder could come up with that kind of cash on short notice.

  “I’m going to talk to Lucah when he gets back. Speaking of that, when are they coming back?” he asked, glancing at the clock on the wall.

  “Soon,” I said. Soon my weekend with Ryder would be over. Somehow, we’d made it through without having sex or even getting close.