Never Far Away

by Marysue Hobika

  “What do you-,” she sputtered, and then stopped when her eyes landed on her camera that was in my hand. Relief instantly washed over her delicate features.

  “I thought you’d want this back.” I held it out to her.

  “Thanks.” She stepped out onto the stoop and took it. She held it like a mother would her missing child, checking it over for bumps and bruises. She turned it on and quickly scanned through the photos and then shut it off. Satisfied that it was okay, she let out a deep sigh.

  “Can I come in?” She appeared to be in a good mood now that she had her camera back.

  “No, there’s nothing we have to say to each other.” Her voice was hard and serious. She turned to go back inside.

  I realized I better hurry up with my apology before she shut the door in my face. “Stella. I made a mistake, okay. I’m sorry. I was an ass. Someone must have spiked your water bottle when you weren’t looking.”

  “No shit, really? Is that why I couldn’t remember a fucking thing when I woke up on Sunday morning.” She stabbed me in the chest with her finger when she said the words ‘fucking thing.’

  “I’m sorry.” It was a lame thing to say, but it was true and I didn’t know how to make this mess go away.

  “It’s too late for that.” She moved to open the door and I caught a whiff of her unique scent—blackberries and vanilla. It reminded me of holding her in my arms the other night. I couldn’t let her go.

  “Wait,” I shouted. I searched for the right words. All I came up with was, “Why did you take so many pictures of me? Do you like me?” My face heated. I sounded like a dorky ten-year old boy on the playground at recess. I plowed ahead anyway. “Did the kiss mean as much to you as it did to me?”

  There was only one way to find out. I took a step forward and touched my lips to hers. Her lips were warm and soft. I thought she’d slap me and tell me to get the fuck away from her, but she didn’t. She closed her eyes and sank into the kiss, kissing me back. I teased her lips open with my tongue. She responded and our tongues swirled around each other. The last kiss I shared with Stella was just a small preview. This was downright epic. I felt things I’d never felt before.

  I moved my lips down her pale throat and kissed her softly. She reached up and wrapped her arms around my neck. I pulled her closer until our chests were smashed against each other’s, and I wondered if she could feel my heart beating. It pounded hard and loud. A soft sigh escaped her lips and I knew this wasn’t one-sided. She felt things too. I returned my attention to her mouth, biting her bottom lip, losing myself in the taste of her sweet lips. It was like being pulled under by a giant wave in a hurricane and then not knowing which way was up or down. I realized I didn’t know and I didn’t care. I never wanted to resurface. I was right where I wanted to be. Lost in a sea of emotions and passion with Stella at the center of the storm. I cupped the back of her head, deepening the kiss even further.

  Suddenly she pulled away and I couldn’t breathe. I felt like a fish out of water. I wanted to reach for her and pull her back to me because nothing in my entire life had felt so right, but the look on her face told me not to. “What was that?” She narrowed her eyes at me.

  “We were kissing.” She had moaned my name at one point and pressed her hot body against mine. There was no way in hell she hadn’t been enjoying it. “And you liked it.”

  “No, Theo.” She called me Theo again. I was beginning to hate my own name. “I can’t do this with you.”

  “I know you felt that too,” I argued. I didn’t understand why she was pretending she hadn’t been affected. She’d kissed me back. It had been honest and true.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I didn’t feel anything.” It was the same words she’d said last time after we kissed, only this time I knew she was lying. Her voice was shaky. Her body still trembled with aftershocks. I just didn’t understand why she’d lie. I stood on her porch for several minutes after she went inside, trying to figure out how I was going to get Stella to forgive me and recognize what we could have if she’d give me a chance.

  Stella

  I arrived at the residence hall at Parsons, New School for Design, feeling a mix of emotions. I was both excited and nervous. But mostly excited. I had big plans to be a famous fashion photographer. I could see it now—my photos on the cover of magazines for the whole world to see. When I started modeling a few years ago, I had caught the photography bug and it hadn’t gone away. My mom used to drive me to the city, a three hour trip, once every couple of months for photo shoots. While I liked being in front of the camera—it was fun and paid well—it was being behind the camera that got me off. I was never more myself than when I was taking pictures. Now was my chance to learn from the experts and refine my technique and vision.

  My parents hadn’t driven me to college like everyone else’s. They dropped me off at the train station with my suitcase and trunk and told me they’d see me at Thanksgiving. My dad thought photography was just a whim and he’d humored me by allowing me to go to Paris one summer to take classes, but it had only fueled my desire. When I made it clear it was what I wanted to do with my life, he didn’t approve and cut me off. Refusing to pay a dime unless I came to my senses—his words not mine—and studied to become a doctor like him or a lawyer like my mom was before she married my dad and stayed home to raise me. That was so not going to happen. I was here to prove to him that photography was a real career and I had what it took to be one of the best, despite all the times he’d torn me down with his words. With renewed energy, I set off down the hall to find my room.

  I managed to locate it and haul my crap without any help. I’d brought as little as possible with me, but I had to bring everything I’d need for the next three months, which turned out to be a lot to carry. I entered the room and two girls turned to face me. They were talking like old friends while their parents moved about the room. I took a mental snapshot and my excitement vanished. Maybe I didn’t belong here after all.

  “Hi, I’m Tori.” The smaller of the two girls approached and gave me a hug. I couldn’t help but notice she spoke with a Southern accent. “Let me help you with that.” She took a bag out of my hand and placed it near the empty bed. She seemed warm and friendly.

  “I’m Stella.” My movements were awkward and stiff. I had a group of close girlfriends back home, but most of the time girls didn’t like me. I’d never done anything to the ones in my school but that hadn’t stopped them from spray painting the words ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ all over my locker. Jenna, one of my friends, said it was because girls were jealous of me. As I took a good look at the two girls who were my new roommates, my anxiety lessened. If the girls in my high school didn’t like me simply because they thought I was pretty, then I had nothing to worry about because these girls were beautiful. And this wasn’t high school. It was college—a new beginning. I smiled warmly.

  “I’m Lena. From St Paul.” The other girl in the room came over to greet me. She had big blue eyes and spiked black hair that was dyed bright red on the ends. I liked it. I’d never have the guts to do anything that drastic to my blond locks but it looked great on her. I knew the Twin Cities had a big music scene and several famous bands were from there. Lena looked like she could be a rock star. I’d have to ask her if she was in a band or knew any famous musicians.

  “We’re roommates.” Huge dimples appeared in Tori’s cheeks when she spoke that must have been the envy of every girl in her high school and it made me wonder if perhaps we had that in common. I was definitely getting a good vibe and my smile widened. “And I know we’re going to get along great.”

  “I agree,” said Lena. “As soon as our parents stop fretting and get out of here, so we can hang out.” I really liked this girl. She seemed to know that I felt awkward because I had arrived by myself. She gave her parents a hug and then pushed them out the door. Tori did the same.

  They didn’t ask me about my parents but I wanted to tell them anyway. It was like the
giant elephant in the room. And if we were going to be best friends then I wanted to be honest. “My parents are assholes. They don’t think photography is a real major.”

  They both looked shocked, but Tori recovered quickly. “Well, you’ve got us now.” She pulled me into a hug. This girl was very touchy feely and I wasn’t used to that, but there was something so sincere about her that I liked her immediately.

  We spent the next hour unpacking and settling into our room. Tori flopped onto her freshly made bed. “Let’s get outta here. We’re in fucking New York City and we’ve been trapped inside this room.” I’d learned that Tori’s accent was Texan, and for a tiny little thing she sure had a mouth like a trucker. This was her first trip to the city. She’d explored yesterday with her parents, but was anxious to get back out there.

  Lena stood. “Let’s go.”

  I hesitated. I was exhausted both physically and mentally. I wanted a long hot shower and a nap. My muscles burned from carting all my luggage around. But if I was honest the real reason I didn’t want to go was because of Teddy. I’d done everything in my power for the last year and a half to avoid him, which hadn’t been easy since he lived across the street from me when he wasn’t at college. Now he was somewhere nearby in this very same city getting ready to begin classes as a sophomore at Columbia University. What if I ran into him? What would I say? He’d been the one thing I’d wanted more than anything in my whole life, and just when it looked like he might return my feelings, I ran.

  For years I’d dreamed about Teddy kissing me, and when he finally did—I lied, letting him think I hadn’t felt anything. That his sweet kisses hadn’t melted my heart. The first time I lied because I knew he hadn’t kissed me for any reason other than to distract me from what was happening inside my own house, although he did earn points that day for trying to do the right thing in that regard, but then he lost them because he had a girlfriend. I hated when guys cheated on their girlfriends.

  The second time he kissed me I lied because I was scared. But it hadn’t stopped me from pouring my heart and soul into that kiss, believing it would be the last. My body had tingled and a moan had caught in my throat. It was everything I ever wanted and more. Finally I’d found the strength to push him away. I knew it would hurt too much to let him know how I really felt. He was going off to college to a brand new life, while I still had another year of high school to get through. The timing was off.

  I'd been hiding from Teddy ever since that gut-wrenching, bone-melting kiss on my front stoop. The panic attack I experienced when I closed the door and shut Teddy out of my life was the worst one ever. He’d witnessed several over the years, but he hadn’t seen me come apart like I did that day. I didn’t know what would happen when I saw him again. And it terrified me. I didn’t think I’d survive anther one like that and I couldn’t predict what would happen when I saw him again. I knew it would be huge. It would kick my emotions and all the feelings I had for him into overdrive and I couldn’t risk that. I was better off staying the hell away. The timing still wasn’t right.

  I wanted to tell Tori and Lena about him, but the words wouldn’t come out when I opened my mouth. It was better if I just pretended he didn’t exist. This was a big city and I’d never run into him anyway. Tori and Lena were looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to answer. “I love New York. It’s my favorite city in the world.” I’d been to New York countless times and I couldn’t wait to experience it with my new friends. I grabbed my camera and closed the door behind us. I was more than ready to move on and begin my life.

  Theo

  I walked into a café near campus to grab a cup of coffee on my way back to my apartment. I needed the caffeine. I had a quiz in Theory of Computational Dynamics tomorrow and it wasn’t going to be as easy as it sounded.

  I placed my order and moved to the side to wait. And that’s when my heart went into overdrive. I couldn’t believe she was here—in the very café that I went to almost every day for the past fourteen months. My mom had let it slip at least half a dozen times that she was in the city too, she was a freshman at Parsons, but I thought my chances of running into her were slim. This was a huge fucking city. But I’d recognize her long blond mane anywhere. I took a step toward her. She spun around and I saw her face. My mouth opened and then closed. I was wrong. It wasn’t her. It wasn’t Stella. For the first time since I was five years old I thought I might burst into tears. Fuck!

  “Sorry, I thought you were someone else,” I stuttered. I looked like an idiot for staring so long.

  “It’s okay.” She smiled and walked out of the shop.

  I grabbed my coffee and raced back to my apartment, shutting myself in my room. The guys thought I was studying, which in reality I should’ve been, but I couldn’t get what had happened back in the café out of my mind. Did I have it so bad that I was hallucinating? The girl in the coffee shop had the same natural blond hair as Stella, but that was where the similarity ended. Stella had the most beautiful blue eyes, fringed by impossibly long eyelashes. She had pouty lips that I dreamed about kissing. The girl in the coffee shop had none of those things.

  I didn’t know exactly when I fell in love with Stella, but it happened sometime during my senior year. And I fell hard. I think it was seeing her wait for me every morning, leaning up against my car and then having her ride shotgun. Those damn legs of hers stretched out on my dash made it hard to concentrate. Up until then, she’d driven me crazy, pushing my buttons, and giving me shit. That didn’t change, but that year my feelings toward her did. She rooted deep in my heart. Once we’d arrive at school, it took every ounce of strength I had to let her flee, watching her make her way over to the never ending line of guys. Stella was beautiful and it seemed like every guy wanted a piece. I was desperate to tell her that I cared for her—that I was in love with her—but I didn’t because I knew she’d never be interested in a guy like me. I was a skinny nerd back then, and she gravitated toward the bad boys that all the girls chased after. But I’d changed since then. I knew I could give her what she wanted if she’d only give me a chance.

  I ran my hand through my hair. I was still waiting for my opportunity. The last time I saw Stella was the night of my graduation party. She came over to say goodbye, but it was quick, and she ran out after giving me a peck on the cheek. I moved my hand to the spot she'd kissed and sighed. I didn’t even lay eyes on her once over the summer and she only lived across the fucking street. She’d gotten together with my sister Charlotte, they were best friends, but every time she came over I was out. I’d tried to call her, but she didn’t answer my calls and I finally gave up. For years she’d driven me crazy with her constant presence in my house, in my car, and in my life, and now it was her absence that was making me insane.

  Stella

  “Are you sure this is the right place?” I looked down the street with dread. I was hoping she said she had the wrong address. It had taken us more then forty minutes to get here by public transportation but I’d be more than happy to turn around. This place looked like something out of a scary movie. And it didn’t help that it was eleven o’clock at night.

  “Yeah, I’m sure. Look up ahead. The sign says, ‘Grim Tattoos.’” Lena walked with a purpose. “Come on. Stop fretting. Nothing is going to happen to us. I told you this guy is a friend of a friend back home in St Paul. He wouldn’t steer me wrong.” She looked at Tori and then me. “Just act natural. And let me do all the talking.” That was easy for Lena to say. With the tips of her black hair dyed purple this week, she looked like she fit in. I wore a black leather skirt with ripped stockings and a pair of biker boots, but I didn’t think I was fooling anyone. My pale skin and hair seemed to mock me. Tori looked the part and as long as she followed Lena’s advice and didn’t let anyone hear her southern accent, she'd be fine. I took a deep breath. I could do this.

  Lena pushed open the door to the tattoo shop and immediately the hair on my arms stood on end. This was the first time I’d set foot inside one an
d I knew it’d be my last. The walls were painted a dark red and were covered in thousands of drawings. Several stations ringed the outside walls and three pairs of eyes looked up when we walked in. One guy whistled. The muscles in my stomach clenched painfully. Lena took charge, walking up to the front desk. She didn’t act intimidated by the girl who sat behind the desk with more tattoos than I could count and several piercings. “We have an appointment to see Reed.”

  The girl behind the desk snapped her gum. “Wait over there.” She pointed to a couch that you couldn’t pay me to sit on. “I’ll let him know you’re here.”

  She walked to the back and disappeared behind a door. A few minutes later a guy appeared and came toward us. He must be Reed. He had as many tattoos as the other guys who worked there. He would be hot, if I didn’t find tats a major turn off. He had on a tight short sleeve shirt and they peeked out everywhere, but at least he didn’t have any on his neck or face. His hair was dark, almost black, and shaggy. His jeans rode low on his hips and I could see the band of his boxers. He looked dangerous. His eyes locked with mine and he didn’t look away. My face heated and I suddenly became extremely interested in the tips of my boots. I dated bad boys in the past, but I knew I was way out of my league with this guy. Like all the rest there was only thing he was interested in.

  “Hi. You must be Zane’s friend.” He put his hand out for Lena to shake and I noticed he had a treble clef inked between his thumb and first finger. I remembered she said that Zane and Reed had a music connection.

  “I’m Lena. And these are my friends.” He nodded at us but he didn’t shake our hands.

  “Follow me.” He led us in the direction he’d just come from. The door opened into an office area with a large desk, a couple of chairs, a small fridge and a couch along the wall. He motioned for us to sit on the couch while he opened a drawer behind the desk. “So tell me, how's my man Zane been? I haven’t been able to make the trip back to see my old man or my friends in last couple of years. I’ve been too busy.” He pulled out a brown envelope.