Never Far Away

by Marysue Hobika

  “They left yesterday.” I rolled my eyes. She had an answer for everything. I’d forgotten how that drove me fucking nuts. “I didn’t want to waste time stopping at a pay phone. I got up, threw on clothes, and grabbed my shit. I didn’t even brush my hair or put on any makeup.”

  She was wearing yoga pants and her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. It was true—she wasn’t decked out like she usually was, but it hardly mattered. She was still fucking gorgeous. She’d look beautiful wearing a paper bag. I sighed. There wasn’t time to stand here and argue further. We’d have to run as it was or we’d miss our train.

  “Let’s go.” I wasn’t sure why I did it, but I grabbed Stella’s hand and took off running in the direction of the track, practically dragging her with me. I felt the same electric shock at her touch, but I ignored it. There was no way in hell I’d let her fool me into thinking I had a chance. As soon as we climbed aboard I dropped her hand. The train pulled out of the station.

  “That was close.” Stella was out of breath as she took her seat. She didn’t run miles every day like I did.

  “Too fucking close.” I rested my head against the window and closed my eyes. Sprinting to catch a train wasn’t helping my hangover. My head pounded. And I wasn’t sure if I believed her bullshit excuse. The most likely scenario was that she was up all night banging Reed, the asshole who sent her the text. I so didn’t want to picture her with another guy. I guess she really was seeing him. She never called me like she said she would. Not that I felt like talking to her, but she said she’d call and then she didn’t.

  “You’re going to sleep?” She sounded surprised, and maybe even a little hurt. I kept my eyes closed. I didn’t want a reason to be nice to her and I knew if I looked into her blue eyes I wouldn’t be able to help feeling something for her. My hand still tingled from holding her's.

  “Damn straight. I got up early to be here on time. I was out late and I’m exhausted.” Being a dick did make me feel better, but I knew the only reason I was able to say that was because I wasn’t looking at her. Otherwise I’d never have the balls. Hurting her hurt me. And that made me even angrier. I had every right to be pissed. She was the one who’d wounded me by not being upfront and telling me she had a fucking boyfriend!

  I shifted around until I was as comfortable as I could get, crossing my arms over my chest and stretching my legs out in front of me. I felt her eyes on me. Then she let out a sigh and settled into her seat. I didn’t open my eyes again until the train slowed at our stop. Almost three hours had passed, but I only slept twenty minutes. And I didn’t feel any better. My hangover was still kicking me in the ass.

  Stella

  I waited an hour before going over to visit Charlotte. We didn’t spend as much time together as we once did, but it didn’t matter. We kept in touch and were able to pick up right where we left off. I hadn’t seen her since the summer, but as soon as I burst into her room it was like only minutes had passed since we’d last seen each other.

  “It’s about time, bitch. What took ya so long?” Her greeting made me laugh. Some things never changed. Charlotte gave me a squeeze.

  “I had to unpack.” And shower. I felt gross after waking up late and then traveling for three hours. I looked more like myself now than I had earlier this morning. Thank God. I didn’t even want to think about that disaster. The trip home had been a giant disappointment. Teddy had been rude to the point of being cruel. It was completely unexpected and I’d almost burst out crying. Teddy couldn’t see the tears in my eyes because he never bothered to look at me. I held them off until I got home. I knew he was pissed about me being late, but he took it too far.

  “I heard you and Teddy took the train home together.” Charlotte patted the bed next to her, signaling me to join her.

  “Yeah.” I really didn’t want to talk about it.

  “Well, whatever you were ribbing him about today, he seemed to take it hard.” She smirked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I just figured you were going back and forth like you usually do because he was in one piss-ass mood.”

  “No. We barely talked. He slept the whole ride.” That pretty much summed it up. I didn’t tell Charlotte that I was in love with Teddy and had been forever because it didn’t matter any more. We were never a thing, and we never would be. Teddy shut me out. We’d had such a good time on our date and then he went and acted like a total prick on the train ride home.

  Charlotte shook her head. “My mom made him go on a run. She believes in prescribing physical exercise over medication. But enough about my dickhead brother. What’s new with you?”

  What should I tell her? I couldn’t tell her about Teddy. The last time I talked to Charlotte, I was dating Aidan and thinking about having sex with him. “I broke up with Aidan.”

  “Why? You really liked him.” I’d backed myself in a corner. I couldn’t tell her I broke up with him because I was in love with her brother.

  “He wasn’t the one.” It wasn’t much of an answer, but it was the truth.

  “I’m sorry.” She touched my arm. “You’re young. You’ll find him. He’s out there somewhere.”

  I laughed to myself. Yeah. He was right here living in this very house. The thought depressed me. “Yeah.”

  “Well at least you didn’t walk in on your boyfriend having sex with another girl.”

  I put my hand over my mouth. “Oh my God, Char. Alex cheated on you?”

  “Yeah. Last week I stopped by his room after class and they were going at it.”

  She looked pissed, and she had every right.

  “Shit!”

  “All he had to do was tell me, ya know. I didn’t need to walk in on that.” She shivered. “All I have to say is paybacks are a bitch.” I knew Char would make good on her threat. “Hey, I got an idea. After dinner let’s you and me go out and get wasted like old times.”

  “I’m in.” There was a time back in high school when I gave up drinking and getting high because I didn’t think Teddy would date a girl who got trashed every weekend. That obviously wasn’t an issue any more, and right now it was just what I needed.

  I hung out for another hour and then I went home to eat and get ready.

  I didn’t see Teddy as I slipped out of the house, nor did I expect to. It was over before it even started.

  Theo

  I picked up Eli. “Hey, man. What’s up?” He slid into the passenger seat.

  “Not much.” I needed a drink or two in me before I was ready to unload about Stella. He didn’t know that I’d seen her, but I knew it’d come out by the end of the night. “Been busy with school. You?”

  “Same.”

  “Where to?” I stopped at the end of his street, debating which way to turn. We were hanging out tonight with Mike and Charlie. The four of us were a group. I was driving, so I’d left it in Eli’s court to come up with a plan.

  “I told Mike we’d pick him up. Charlie’s parents went out for the night. We’re going there.”

  I turned left. “Works for me.”

  Half an hour later we were hanging out in Charlie’s basement with a beer in our hands. I slammed mine back and reached for another. Charlie’s parents were always well stocked and they never missed it when we drank their beer.

  Eli nodded at me. “Tough semester, huh?”

  “You could say that.” I took a long pull on my second beer. “I got a question for you guys.”

  “Lay it on us.” Charlie was also working on his second cold one.

  “Would you send your girlfriend a dirty text?”

  “Fuck, yeah. I do it all the time. The girl I’m dating now is really into that shit,” Mike answered.

  “I don’t have a girl, so I don’t know.” Charlie shrugged. “They come with too much fucking drama.” I silently agreed.

  “What about you, Eli?” I prodded him. He hadn’t answered right away. “You dirty text Melissa?”

  He looked at his beer, avoiding my eye. I knew his a
nswer before he spoke. “Sometimes.”

  Damn it! I was screwed. A week after Stella broke up with Aidan she had a new guy sending her dirty text messages and according to my friends they sent their girlfriends dirty texts too. Everyone did. Fuck—that wasn’t what I wanted to hear. It meant Stella had a boyfriend. I drank half my beer in the next sip. I couldn’t get too wasted. I was driving, but we weren’t leaving for a few hours. I had time to release some of my anger before I needed to sober up and drive home.

  “Why?” Eli looked at me curiously.

  “No reason. I read an article about it, so I thought I’d collect my own data.” It was only a half-truth, but my friends seemed to accept my answer. It was something I’d do. Trying to change the subject I said, “So sounds like things with you and Melissa are still going strong.”

  “Yeah. We’re good. What about you? You ever run into Stella?” And that’s what I got for asking Eli about his girlfriend. I inadvertently opened up Pandora’s box.

  All three of these guys were good friends and knew that I liked Stella, but only Eli knew how deep my feelings ran for her. “I saw her at a party.” I didn’t mention it was a Halloween party. They knew I didn’t like Halloween and I didn’t feel like listening to their shit. I tried to make it sound like running into her wasn’t a big deal.

  But nothing got by Eli. “You saw Stella?” I nodded. “How’d it go?”

  “Fine.” There was no way I felt like talking about how my heart had stopped when I saw her and how we stood there on the sidewalk staring at each other until her dickhead boyfriend appeared and caused her to almost have a panic attack. I wasn’t nearly drunk enough for that conversation. And I never would be.

  “Is she still smokin’ hot?” Every guy had a thing for Stella, including Mike.

  “Yeah.” I remembered how beautiful she looked the day we met for lunch. Her blue eyes sparkled and her hair shone in the sunlight. I’d wanted to tangle my fingers in it. My throat felt tight and I didn’t want to talk about her anymore. Eli was still giving me strange looks from across the room. I needed to say something to end this conversation. It had gone on long enough. “I met her the next week for brunch. She has a boyfriend and apparently they’re pretty serious.” I didn’t really know that, but if they were sending dirty text messages, I decided it must be true.

  “Sucks, dude.” Eli nodded. I knew he thought there was more to the story and he’d probably ask me about it later, but for now the topic was closed.

  “Who do you think is going to be in the Super Bowl this year? Did you see the way the Giants played last weekend?” Mike was a runner like me, but he loved football. And the Giants were his favorite team.

  We spent the next two hours talking sports and all sorts of shit. I stopped drinking so I could drive home, while Mike, Charlie and Eli kept up a good pace. I didn’t mind. Tomorrow was Thanksgiving and my mom would be pissed if I was hungover.

  After I dropped Mike’s ass back off at his house, Eli gave me the look. He was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget to ask me about Stella. “What was it like when you saw her?”

  “Amazing.” I was a guy and I wasn’t going to talk about my feelings and shit, not even with Eli, but I knew he’d get my one word answer. How I felt about seeing her was written all over face.

  “She has a boyfriend, huh?”

  I didn’t want Eli’s pity. “Yeah. Some things never change. She’s got one on her arm, while another waits in the wings.” And this time the person waiting wasn’t me. I was done.

  Stella

  The turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing that sat in the middle of the table smelled delicious, but I wasn’t hungry. My stomach was in knots. I didn’t like family gatherings. They were a source of tension. I tried my best to avoid them, but sometimes, like today, I was forced to attend. I piled my plate with food, taking small bites, trying to blend in with the tablecloth.

  “How is college, dear?” My aunt always tried to engage me in conversations. She didn’t understand that the less I spoke, the better.

  “It’s great. I really love it.”

  “Your parents must be so proud of you.” I was sure my mom never told her sister that I was doing it all on my own and that they didn’t approve of my career choice. It wasn’t like I was out hooking on the street corner, but to them I might as well be.

  “Stella, pass me the turkey.” My dad stabbed it hard with the serving fork. I thought it was his attempt to change subjects, so I was surprised when he said, “We’re not proud of her.” I heard gasps all around the table. “She’s studying photography. That’s a useless degree. Where is she going to get a job when she graduates? Sears portrait studios, making barely above minimum wage?” He cut his turkey with such force the whole table shook. “It’s fucking ridiculous, is what it is. A waste of goddamn money.”

  I pushed away from the table. I couldn’t take it any more. He’d gone too far. “It’s not like you’re paying.” Tears welled in my eyes and I ran out the door, grabbing my coat off the hook. I didn’t get far before I slumped to the ground, trembling. Numbness settled in and I didn’t even notice the cold. The week’s events had taken their toll and I was on the verge of having another anxiety attack. I took deep breaths and willed my heart to stop pounding so hard inside my chest. It took a long time for me to calm down. I missed Teddy’s voice and gentle manner. He always made them seem less frightening. I think this one was especially bad because he’d been such a dick to me on the train ride home that thinking about him and using the tips he’d taught me made it worse this time instead of better.

  Eventually my mom came and found me, dragging me back inside. I couldn’t help but notice that everyone was done eating and the dishes were cleared. It made me sad to think it had taken her that long to come looking for me. We left shortly after. When we got home I went straight upstairs to my room.

  I wondered if Teddy was having a good Thanksgiving at his grandparents’ house. Many times over the years I’d wished I was a part of his family—they seemed so normal. I frowned. I had a better chance of becoming President of the United States. As I stared longingly at his empty house across the street an idea for my final photography project came to me. It was a self-portrait project. The image was supposed to convey a hidden truth. It wasn’t due for a couple of weeks, but I was inspired.

  I had a small collection of cameras in a box in the top of my closet and after carefully rummaging through it I found what I was looking for. An old Polaroid camera. A search of another box revealed ten boxes of film. I had 100 pictures to say what I wanted. I just hoped it would be enough.

  First, I took pictures with the Polaroid of my individual body parts—my eyes, my elbows, my feet, my knees—until I ran out of film. Then I painstakingly arranged them on a blank wall in my room, overlapping them, creating a collage. Next, I pulled off the clothes I was wearing and put on Teddy’s old track T-shirt over top my bra and underwear. It was what I’d slept in every night for years because it made me feel close to him. Lastly, I set up the tri-pod with my digital camera and stood flat against the wall with my head looking out to the side. Anguish filled my face. The result was a stunning self-portrait in black and white, revealing my hidden truth—this was the way I felt when I feared losing Teddy and had an anxiety attack—shattered. But I was also the one who had the power to put myself back together again.

  Theo

  The next day Stella and I were taking the train back to the city. I wasn’t looking forward to it. The ride home was torture and I wasn’t expecting the ride back to be any different. I couldn’t get that dirty text out of my mind. She'd probably be anxious to get back to lover boy. I wondered if she'd be hooking up with him tomorrow night. The thought of someone else’s hands on Stella made me sick to my stomach. I vowed not to think about it anymore. I didn’t know how I was going to get through the three hour trip, but I was going to have to think of something. I already pretended to sleep the last time. I didn’t think I could pull that off again. It
was near impossible to fake sleep when all I wanted to do was touch my lips to hers and see if they were as soft and sweet as I remembered.

  I tied my sneaks and pulled a hat over my head. Time to run off some of this aggression. I turned out of our neighborhood and ran hard.

  When I got back to my street a little over an hour later, my eyes instinctively drifted to Stella’s house. I hadn’t seen her since the day we arrived. I wondered if she had a good Thanksgiving. Things always seemed tense at her house. Right now I didn’t hear anything or see anyone, which was a good sign. Then I remembered I wasn’t supposed to care. She had a boyfriend for that shit. I walked up my driveway and slammed my door.

  I showered, pulled on clean clothes, and sat down on the couch to watch TV. I flipped through the stations, settling on a show on the History channel. The doorbell rang. I sighed and stood to answer it.

  “Hi. Is Char home?” Her voice was small and she looked tired.

  “She’s upstairs.” I held the door open and she went straight up without trying to talk to me. She must still be pissed at me. I should be happy that she was ignoring me, but I realized I wasn’t. Shit! Why did everything involving girls have to be so damn complicated? I didn’t understand them at all.

  I didn’t want to be home anymore. I called Eli and he picked me up. It was my turn to get shitfaced.

  We ended back at Charlie’s place again. His parents were never home. I knew beer wasn’t going to cut it, so I’d grabbed a bottle of rum from my dad’s liquor cabinet on my way out and made Eli stop at a gas station, where I bought Coke. I mixed a strong drink and took a sip. It burned all the way down. Halfway through my drink, I didn’t even notice anymore.

  Eli dropped my ass off at home a couple of hours later. As it turned out, I hadn’t been much fun. I only had that one drink because I didn’t want to be hung over for the trip back to the city. I’d learned that lesson the hard way. And no amount of alcohol could change the fact that Stella never had and never would see me as a potential boyfriend. I was nothing more than her neighbor and her best friend’s brother.