A Thousand Yearnings

by Ralph Russell

  Giving and Taking

  Akbar once asked Birbal,‘Why are there no hairs on the palms of my hands?’ Birbal said,‘Your constant giving of bounty has worn them away.’Akbar said,‘And people who never give anything,why are there no hairs on their palms?’ Birbal said, ‘Because constantly taking has worn them away.’ Akbar said, ‘And those who neither give nor take? Why are there no hairs on their palms?’ Birbal said, ‘Because they are always wringing their hands with regret that they live in a world where they can neither give nor take.’

  An Appetite for Stones

  One day the Emperor Akbar and his queen were sitting together eating mangoes. Birbal too was present. As he ate, the Emperor put the stones down in front of the queen. When he had finished he said to her, ‘What an appetite you have! Look at all the mangoes you have eaten!’ The queen was very embarrassed. Birbal said, ‘Your majesty, there’s no limit to your appetite. You haven’t even left the stones.’ It was Akbar’s turn to feel embarrassed.

  A Pit of Honey

  One morning Akbar said to Birbal,‘Birbal, last night I dreamt that I had fallen into a pit filled with honey and you into one filled with refuse.’ Birbal at once replied, ‘Lord of the World, I too had just such a dream, but in my dream I was licking you and you were licking me.’

  The Eunuch’s Questions

  Akbar once showed his pleasure with Birbal’s services by promising to award him a large grant of land. But he soon forgot his promise. One day he and Birbal were taking the air when they saw a camel standing there with its head turned away. Akbar said, ‘Birbal, why is he standing with his head turned away like that?’ Birbal replied, ‘Your majesty, he too has promised someone a grant of land.’Akbar was put to shame and at once fulfilled his promise.

  One of Akbar’s eunuchs said to him, ‘Your Majesty, Birbal always has a ready answer for every question, but he should be asked questions that he cannot answer.’The king replied,‘He shall be asked whatever you say.’ The eunuch said, ‘Let him be asked where the centre of the earth is, and how many stars there are in the sky, and how many men and how many women there are in the world.’ The king said,‘Very well, let him be sent for.’ But before the words were out of his mouth Birbal appeared. The king thereupon asked him the questions the eunuch had proposed. Birbal listened to them and said he would give his answers the next day. Early the next morning he appeared with a hammer and a large iron pin and came into the king’s presence. The king, as soon as he saw him, asked if he had brought the answer to the questions he had been asked. He replied that he had, and taking the iron pin to the centre of the palace, he drove it into the floor and said,‘The centre of the earth is here. If you do not believe it, have measurements taken.’ The king made no response to this but asked him for the answer to the second question. Birbal had a ram brought in and said, ‘Your Majesty, the number of stars in the sky is exactly the same as the number of hairs on this ram’s body. If you doubt it, you may count them. And I have also brought the correct answer to the third question except that one thing makes me uncertain. These eunuchs—they are neither men nor women, so which category should I count them in?’

  The Portrait in the Toilet

  [Rajahs were princes who ruled over territories of varying size in different parts of India. Many were unwillingly obliged to recognize the Mughal emperor as their overlord.]

  A rajah who had heard Birbal’s praises sung invited him to his court. Akbar granted him leave to accept. He was greeted there with great pomp and ceremony. The rajah had planned to insult the Emperor, and for this reason had had the Emperor’s portrait put up in the lavatory. When Birbal had occasion to go there he saw it and at once understood what the rajah intended. When he came out he went straight to the rajah and said, ‘Do you suffer from constipation? I imagine you do, because I see you have had the Emperor’s portrait hung there. When you see it you are so frightened that your bowels open. Am I right?’The rajah felt very ashamed. Birbal returned to Delhi and related the whole thing to Akbar, who was very pleased with him.

  Mullah Dopiaza

  Who is the Fool?

  One day a merchant came to Akbar’s court bringing several fine horses for sale. Akbar greatly admired them and asked him to bring more of the same kind. The man asked for an advance payment, and Akbar had him paid a hundred thousand rupees.

  Some time later Akbar ordered Mullah Dopiaza to make him a list of all the fools in his court. When he brought him this list Akbar saw to his astonishment that his own name topped the list. He asked Mullah Dopiaza to explain. Mullah Dopiaza said, ‘Without even thinking about it you gave that merchant a hundred thousand rupees. Do you think he’ll bring the horses? Do you think you’ll ever see his face again?’ Akbar said, ‘And what if he does bring them?’ Mullah Dopiaza said,‘In that case I’ll cross out your name and put his in its place.’

  Cloths Stained in Blood

  [Sunnis and Shias are the two major sects of the Muslim community. Akbar and the ruling family of India were Sunnis, while the kings of Iran were Shias. Shias hold in especial veneration the family of the Prophet, including his grandson Husain who was martyred at Karbala.‘Istinja’ is earth used after urinating or defecating to clean oneself when water is not available.]

  One day the Emperor Akbar handed over a number of locked boxes to Birbal with instructions to take them as a gift to the King of Iran. Birbal took the boxes home, broke the locks and opened them. He took out all the contents and filled them instead with earth that had been used for istinja and clothes stained with menstrual blood. He then re-locked the boxes and returned with them to the Emperor asking him to hand over this task to Mullah Dopiaza. He calculated that when the King of Iran opened the boxes and saw what was in them he would have the Mullah executed, and thus Birbal would be rid of him. The Emperor granted his request, and handed over the boxes to the Mullah. He, suspecting nothing, and knowing nothing of what was in them, at once set out for Iran, and on the very day of his arrival presented himself at the King’s court and conveyed Akbar’s greetings. Two or three days later he presented the boxes he had brought from India. The King ordered them to be opened in his presence, and when this was done he saw the things which Birbal in his malice had put in them. The Mullah was astonished, anxious and deeply embarrassed, but his quick mind came to his aid at once and he said,‘This is the gift His Majesty sent, but he also gave me a verbal message to deliver along with it. May I do so?’

  ‘Yes,’ said the king,‘do so.’

  The Mullah said,‘My King had obtained from Exalted Karbala this cleansing earth and these clothes stained with the blood of martyrs. But knowing that in India they would not be accorded the respect which is due to such precious things, he dispatched them to Your Majesty.’

  The King and his courtiers were delighted, and the King said to the Mullah, ‘If all the wealth of the world had been sent me I would not have been so pleased as I am with this gift.’

  The Full Moon and the Crescent Moon

  While Mullah Dopiaza was in Iran he worsted many of Iran’s learned men in religious controversy, and they laid a plan for his downfall. They proposed to the King of Iran that he should be asked, in the presence of the King and all his courtiers, to say who was the greater king—Akbar or the King of Iran. They reckoned that if he said ‘Akbar’ the King of Iran would be insulted and have him put to death; and if he gave precedence to the King of Iran, then Akbar would hear of it, and on his return his life would be forfeit there too. The King warmly approved of this plan,had him summoned to court and had this question put to him. Mullah Dopiaza was silent for a moment and the whole court waited in silence. Then the King himself spoke,‘Mullah Sahib, why are you silent? Give your reply.’

  Mullah Dopiaza had by now recovered himself. He said,‘Your Majesty, I am your humblest servant. By God’s grace you are the full moon and he is the cresent moon.’The King was greatly pleased. Along with other gifts, he conferred on him a costly ceremonial robe. And at the same time he sent word
to Akbar of what Mullah Dopiaza had said.

  Akbar was exceedingly angry. He sent for Mullah Dopiaza and said, ‘Tell me, sir, how is it that you abuse me before foreigners, breaking the vessel from which you eat your food? You must pay the penalty. Tomorrow you will be executed.’ Mullah Dopiaza, joining his hands in supplication, asked to be told for what fault he was to be punished. The King then told him of the report he had received from Iran. Mullah Dopiaza kissed the ground at Akbar’s feet and said,‘First,Your Majesty, ponder the meaning of what I said.’

  Akbar replied angrily,‘You tell me what it meant.’

  Mullah Dopiaza replied,‘When your humble servant described Your Majesty as a crescent moon, he spoke the truth. Your Majesty grows in lustre every day. And the King of Iran, like the full moon of the fourteenth day, is at the beginning of daily decline. What comparison can there be between him and you—between the atom and the sun that lights the world?’

  The king was pleased with this answer. He conferred on him more gifts and more favour than the King of Iran had done and gave orders that he should never leave him.

  Shaikh Chilli

  ‘She Told Me Herself’

  One day when Shaikh Chilli was away from home some mischief-maker went to his wife and told her that he had died. His wife and children began to cry, and his wife took off her ornaments and began to wail in lamentation,‘Alas! I am widowed. Alas! my children are orphaned.’

  While this was happening Shaikh Chilli returned home. Seeing that his whole family was crying he too began to cry. The sound of their crying brought all the neighbours round to ask what had happened. Shaikh Chilli did not know, so he asked his wife. She said,‘Someone told me that you had died and I was a widow.’ He, still weeping, repeated these words to the neighbours.‘My wife has been widowed!’ One of them said,‘What nonsense are you talking? You’re here—alive and well, fit and strong. How can your wife be a widow?’ He said,‘I may be well and strong, but my wife told me herself that she was a widow. How can I doubt her word?’

  The Barber’s Clothes

  One day Shaikh Chilli went to visit his in-laws, and a barber went with him. When they got near his father-in-law’s village it occurred to him that the barber was better dressed than he was, and that people might think the barber was him and he was the barber’s servant. So he at once had the barber exchange clothes with him. When he got to his father-in-law’s house his father-in-law asked him,‘Who is this man with you?’ Shaikh Chilli said,‘He’s the man whose clothes I’m wearing.’

  His father-in-law was greatly surprised at this answer and said to him,‘When anyone else asks you don’t say that. Let them think that they’re your clothes.’

  Shaikh Chilli took due note of what his father-in-law had said, and now when anyone came to see him he would say,‘These clothes I’m wearing are mine; they’re not my companion’s.’This upset his father-in-law even more and he said to him,‘Why mention your clothes at all?’

  Next day when some more people came to see him he said, pointing to the barber,‘This is my companion’, and then, pointing to his clothes,‘but I won’t say anything about these clothes because my father-in-law has forbidden me to say whether they’re mine or his.’

  Guarding the Horse

  Once when Shaikh Chilli was employed as a servant he went on a journey with his master. They stopped for the night at an inn. When night came his master said to him,‘You go to sleep; I’ll keep an eye on the horse so that no one can steal it.’ He said,‘Impossible! Can a servant sleep in peace while his master stays awake? Don’t worry; I’ll stay awake all night. No one will dare even to look at the horse.’ His master was reassured by this speech, and Shaikh Chilli was soon lost in his own thoughts.

  After some hours his master awoke and asked him what he was doing. He said, ‘I was wondering how God keeps the sky above us without a pillar to hold it up.’ His master said,‘If that’s the state you’re in, it’s goodbye to the horse. I’ll stay awake.’ But Shaikh Chilli again reassured him, and he went to sleep again.

  About midnight he again awoke and asked Shaikh Chilli what he was doing. He said, ‘I was wondering why God made some people rich and others poor. For instance, why did He make you the master and me the servant? Why didn’t He make everybody equal?’ His master was alarmed and said,‘That’s it! You sleep and I’ll keep awake. Otherwise it’ll be goodbye to the horse.’ But Shaikh Chilli again reassured him and he went to sleep.

  Some hours before dawn he awoke again and asked Shaikh Chilli what he was doing. He said, ‘I’m thinking God has made us equal in one thing. You and I will both have to walk; and I’m wondering who’ll carry the saddle—you or me?’

  ‘Your turn’

  One night it was raining, and Shaikh Chilli and his master, each on his own bed, were reclining indoors. After a while the master said,‘Just take a look outside and see if it’s still raining.’ He said,‘No need for that. The cat has just come in and her fur’s dry. I stroked her to see.’ Some time later his master told him to put out the lamp. He said,‘Close your eyes and you’ll think I have put it out.’

  A little later his master said,‘All right, get up and shut the door.’ He said,‘Sir, I’ve already done two things. This time it’s your turn.’

  ‘I don’t know how to’

  On one occasion Shaikh Chilli went on a journey with someone. When they stopped for the night his companion lit a fire and asked Shaikh Chilli to knead the dough. Shaikh Chilli said, ‘I’m sorry, I’ve never done that before.’ So his companion had to do it. Then he said,‘I’ll clean the plates. You cook the bread.’ Shaikh Chilli said, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know how to.’ So he cooked it himself. After a while he said,‘I’ll be serving the food. You go and fetch some water.’ Shaikh Chilli said, ‘I don’t know where the well is. Besides, there might be no water in it.’ So the poor man went for water himself.

  When the food was on the table he said,‘Come on then. Have something to eat.’ Shaikh Chilli said,‘I feel ashamed that all those times I didn’t do what you wanted me to. This time I’ll do as you tell me.’

  Tales of Famous Men

  Ibrahim [Abraham]

  Ibrahim was famous for his hospitality. Anyone who was passing at mealtimes would be invited to join him. One day an old man came to Ibrahim’s house. When he sat down to eat he did so without offering thanks to God, and Ibrahim, seeing that he must be an idolater or a fire-worshipper ordered his servant to turn him out of his house. At this a voice from the unseen said,‘I have fed him all his life, though he opposes Me. Are you afraid to feed him even once? If he worships fire, why should that affect your generosity?’

  Yusuf [Joseph]

  In the days when Yusuf governed Egypt he never ate his fill of food. People would ask him why and he would reply, ‘If I eat my fill I shall forget the plight of the hungry.’

  Musa [Moses]

  Musa complained to God,‘People tell lies about me. Do something to ensure that they tell nothing but the truth.’ God replied,‘I cannot make them do that even about Me.’

  Idris [a prophet]

  Idris expressed a wish to visit paradise. The angels made him promise that he would return, but when he reached paradise he refused to go back. The angels said,‘Sir, you must keep the promise you gave us to return.’ He replied,‘One keeps promises in order to go to paradise, not in order to be expelled from it.’ The voice of God came saying,‘Let him stay.’

  Luqman [a wise man whom some considered a prophet]

  The ruler of Aden gave Luqman a goat, telling him to slaughter it and bring the best parts to him. Luqman brought him its heart and its tongue. The next day the ruler gave him another goat and told him to bring him the worst parts. He again brought the heart and the tongue. The ruler said, ‘You’re a strange man! You think that “best” and “worst” mean the same thing.’ Luqman replied,‘No. When the heart and the tongue are good there is nothing better, and when they are bad there is nothing worse.’

  Bu
qrat [Hippocrates]

  Buqrat once told a chatterbox,‘There is pleasure in speech when for every one thing you say you listen to two.’ He said,‘How so?’ Buqrat replied,‘Because you have one tongue and two ears.’

  Sikandar [Alexander the Great]

  Sikandar once confided an important secret to one of his officers, telling him he must not tell anyone else. The officer did tell someone else. Sikandar was very angry and asked a wise man what punishment such a person should be given. ‘None,’ said the wise man.‘When you could not keep a secret, why should he?’

  Aqlidas [Euclid]

  The ruling king sent for Aqlidas. He refused to go and sent a message to him saying, ‘I can’t come to you for the same reason that you can’t come to me. You must excuse me.’

  Isa [Jesus]

  Isa was walking with his disciples when they came upon a dead dog. It lay there and the stench was overpowering. The disciples all complained of it. Isa said,‘How beautiful its white teeth are!’

  Ardeshir [a legendary king of Iran]

  Ardeshir asked, ‘Who is that man who fears no one?’ The reply was,‘That man whom no one fears.’

  Qabad

  During Qabad’s reign an innocent man was condemned to death for the murder of a woman. He was about to be executed when the real murderer confessed. The king pardoned them both. Qabad was asked why. He replied,‘One was innocent, and the other had both taken a life and saved a life. He has squared the account, so why should he be hanged?’