Because I Love You

by Tori Rigby

  But they only made it past his butt when the door to the cabin flew open. In one swift motion, Neil spun me around, leapt off the couch, and yanked his jeans to his waist. I slapped my arms over my naked chest, thankful Neil blocked me from view.

  A familiar voice let out a half-cough, half-laugh and said, “Well, I’d say I came at a bad time.”

  “Owen, get out,” Neil replied. “Now.”

  Oh, God. My cheeks burned.

  Owen chuckled. “Dude, relax. I didn’t see anything. But, really, man, does Andie know you’re with some other chick right now?”

  Neil sighed. “This is Andie.”

  My head drooped. Kill me now.

  “Oh. Well, in that case, I’m guessing you don’t need my help setting up for—”

  “No. Out. Now,” Neil said.

  “Right. Um . . . later, Andie.”

  I didn’t reply—I didn’t think I could, even if I wanted to—and waited for the door to close before lifting my chin off my chest. Neil’s face was in his hands. I wrapped my arms around him from behind.

  “I’m so sorry,” Neil said. “I thought I locked the door.”

  I don’t know what came over me—I burst out laughing. Like the kind of laughing that makes your friends disown you at the movie theater. Neil looked at me over his shoulder. His cheeks were almost purple. I’d never seen him so embarrassed.

  “You think that was funny?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

  “Yeah. I don’t know why. But that was hilarious,” I replied between cackles.

  He smirked. “You are not right in the head.”

  My giggling waned. “I know. I’m sorry. Baby brain.”

  “You can’t blame everything on the baby, you know. That includes stealing food and calling a pee break when you know you’re going to lose at a video game. And, my God”—his gaze fell to my naked chest—“you’ve either got to put your clothes back on, or we need to continue where we left off.”

  I grinned and snatched my bra from the other side of the couch. After all that, the mood was definitely ruined. He mumbled something that sounded like “freaking Owen” and grabbed his own clothes.

  “So, I need to ask”—I said as he slipped his shirt over his head—“why did Owen stop by? He mentioned helping you set up for something?”

  Neil cleared his throat, avoiding eye contact with me, and took the medical supplies from the coffee table. “Yeah, well, you weren’t supposed to come till tomorrow. So, there’s some, you know, stuff missing.” He hurried to the bathroom as I narrowed my eyes. For a master of manipulation, he was a terrible liar.

  But I decided not to pry. Neil wasn’t one to keep secrets, unless he had a good reason. In fact, I often thought him incapable of keeping his thoughts to himself. Until he decided to spill, I would just have to not let it bother me. The truth always made itself known, anyway, even when you didn’t want it to. I touched my belly. I was proof of that.

  chapter twenty-four

  We crawled into bed around 3:00 a.m., after hours of unpacking Neil’s stuff and watching movies—in between make-out sessions—and I awoke seven hours later with his cheek pressed against my shoulder blades. His arms were wrapped around my ribs, and he snored softly. Grinning, I untangled myself and ran to the bathroom before my bladder exploded. After scarfing down a banana, I returned to the bedroom. Neil was still on his side. Good to know you’d sleep straight through a tornado. With a smile, I lay back on the bed, facing him.

  He looked so peaceful, so opposite of how I’d found him barreling out of his mom’s house last night. Even with the dark stubble growing on his face, he appeared years younger, like he didn’t have a care in the world. Seeing him so serene stole my breath, and I skimmed my fingertips along his tattoo.

  Soon, Neil’s soft snores disappeared, and he smirked without opening his eyes. “Just can’t keep your hands off me.”

  “Oh, shut up.”

  He kept smiling, like he wasn’t sure if he really wanted to wake up or not. I continued to trace the tattoo. Ten years ago, his father died. Did he feel like the murderer his mother screamed he was?

  “You got this for him, didn’t you?” I asked.

  Neil’s smile fell. He opened his eyes, removing my fingers from his skin. “Today’s my birthday, which means I decide what we talk about. And I’m not in the mood to get all sappy. Now, why don’t we continue where we left off?”

  He tried to pull me to him, but I pressed my hand on his abdomen, stopping him. Why would he never talk to me about the tough stuff? Well, his tough stuff. He knew everything about me and saw me cry a thousand times, but he still wouldn’t let me in.

  “Neil, don’t,” I said. “Things got . . . heated last night.” My cheeks warmed as I thought about how far we’d almost gone. “But you know I heard what your mom said, and I can’t stop thinking about it—worrying about you.”

  “Oh, for God’s sake.” He rolled onto his back and covered his face with his arm. “Yes, I got the tattoo last year for my dad. Yes, my mother hates me. And yes, I miss him, but I’m done crying about it.”

  I frowned. The entire speech felt rehearsed, but at least he didn’t sound angry. And he didn’t sound like he was going to break down. Yet, why would he keep avoiding the topic? A part of him had to still be hurting.

  I lay my head on his chest and draped my arm over his stomach. I really wish you’d open up. But pushing him wouldn’t help, and I didn’t want to fight today. “Okay.”

  He uncovered his eyes. “That’s it?”

  I shrugged. “If you don’t want to talk about it, then okay.”

  Neil threw his arm around my shoulders and kissed my forehead. “I love you.”

  “I know,” I said in my best Han Solo impression.

  He grinned. “I’m proud of you, applying a movie line to an intimate moment.”

  Star Wars was one of the movies we’d watched last night, and I’d laughed so hard at how much the character reminded me of Neil. I wasn’t surprised he’d picked up on my snark.

  “I learn from the best.”

  “Wait, say that again. I’m the . . . ?”

  “Egotistical maniac.”

  He laughed, and I smiled.

  Then something in my belly twitched. Not painful, just awkward. It happened again. No way. I shot up with a gasp and put my hand on my stomach.

  “Whoa, you okay?” He touched my lower back.

  My heart danced. “Give me your hand.”

  Seeing me grinning, Neil relaxed a little and sat up. I placed his palm on my bare belly, right where I felt the twitches before.

  “Wait for it,” I said.

  The room was eerily quiet, and my heart raced. I was terrified I wouldn’t feel the baby again, but then another flutter tickled my stomach. I laughed. “Did you feel it?”

  “What—is he moving?”

  I nodded, beaming.

  “Shit, no, I didn’t.” Neil slid closer until my back was against his torso and a knee was on either side of me. I leaned into him. “Are you sure I’ll be able to?” His hand remained exactly where I’d put it.

  “I don’t know. Maybe not.”

  Again, we sat silent and unmoving, my hand over Neil’s. After a minute or so, Neil said, “Dance, puppet, dance.”

  “Really?”

  He chuckled. “Sorry.”

  I frowned. “I can’t feel him anymore.”

  Neil kissed the side of my head. “Well, it’s not like the kid can do exercises all day. Although, it would be pretty sweet if the guy came out ripped from the start. He’d get all the ladies at daycare.”

  “Oh my God. You teach him any moves before he’s thirty, I’ll kill you.”

  “You didn’t mind my moves last night.” His voice was mischievous, and his hand wandered down my stomach.

  I trembled, remembering again how far we’d gone, how close I’d come to being with him. Oh, I wanted him so bad, but we couldn’t lie around in bed much longer. I’d already made plans for his bir
thday.

  Neil nibbled my neck, and I almost lost my willpower. His kisses were like mythological sirens. I sat up straight and removed his palm from the inside of my thigh before I gave in. He chuckled as I jumped off the bed.

  “Actually, I know plenty of guys who kiss better,” I joked, crossing my arms with a smirk.

  He raised an eyebrow. “Well, then I think you need to help me practice.”

  He leapt from the mattress, and I ran from the room, giggling.

  A few hours later, I took Neil to an arcade-restaurant in Denver for his birthday. Jill and Owen met us there, and the four of us filled our stomachs until we thought we would puke. We spent hours—and lots of Owen’s money—in the arcade. His birthday present to Neil. The night turned into a boys versus girls event, and seventy percent of the time, Jill and I were victorious. Which was awesome. There was nothing like hearing a boy shout “rematch” after losing to a girl.

  Though I’d only met Owen a few—awkward—times, I’d come to enjoy his company and saw why he and Neil had been best friends since childhood. The two of them bickered like an old married couple, and Owen matched Neil’s sarcasm in ways that left Jill and me clinging to each other in uncontrollable fits of laughter. I’d never seen Neil smile so big and for so long, and by the end of the night, my sides hurt from laughing so much.

  Jill was still laughing at all the inside jokes we’d acquired as she sat with me during my last OB/GYN appointment of the year. Why I didn’t mind Jill being in the room with me, I didn’t know. Maybe I was finally ready to share some of these moments with someone. I’d have to muster up the courage to let Mom in, next time.

  Dr. Brandt wheeled the ultrasound machine into the room. “Hello, ladies. How are you feeling today, Andie?”

  “Fat.” I smiled. Sort of. I was really not looking forward to ballooning even more than I already had.

  Dr. Brandt chuckled. “It’s only temporary. A few more months, and you’ll be able to see your feet again. Ready to get started?”

  Ethan was so much clearer now. I could finally make out some intricate details of his features, the shape of his nose, his fingers, his toes. I swallowed my tears, silently pleading with my ridiculous emotions to stop striking the string in my brain that made me cry. Luckily, Jill began chatting about all the things she was going to teach Ethan as he got older, and soon all I could do was laugh. Then Dr. Brandt announced everything was progressing nicely, and I was free to go.

  “I do get to be called Aunt Jill, right?” Jill asked as we left the building.

  I smiled at the ultrasound photo in my hand. “Of course you do. I never would’ve gotten through all of this without you and Neil.”

  My phone buzzed in my purse when we reached the parking lot. I snatched the device from my bag and glanced at the screen. Twenty missed calls from a number I didn’t recognize. What the heck?

  I tilted the screen for Jill to see. “Do you know this number?”

  Jill eyed my phone and squinted. “Yeah. That’s my dad. Maybe he was trying to find me. Hang on.” She pulled her cell out of her purse and frowned. “That’s weird.”

  I jumped when my phone vibrated again. “It’s your dad.” I thumbed the ‘Answer’ button. “Hello?”

  “Andie? This is Mr. Anderson, Jill’s father. I need to talk to you about something. Do you have a minute?”

  Tingles ran down my limbs. Jill tipped her head slightly. I pointed that I was going to stop for a second and stuck a finger in my other ear.

  “Um, yeah, Mr. Anderson. What’s up?”

  My heart vibrated in my throat, my knees, my fingertips. Why was Jill’s dad calling me? I’d given him my number in case of emergencies, but I never thought he’d dial. Had the police discovered we’d hacked the adoption agency?

  Jill watched me, her face full of worry.

  “There’s, uh, well, hon, it’s your mom,” he said.

  My legs wavered. I’d heard similar words from the police before, the night they stopped by to tell me my dad was dead.

  “Why? What happened? Is she okay?” I blurted, my voice at a borderline scream.

  “Hey, just stay calm, all right? Come to the hospital, and I’ll explain everything.”

  The phone nearly fell from my hand. No. A wave of nausea rolled through me. This couldn’t be happening. Not now.

  “Andie, tell me you’re going to drive safely.”

  I tapped the end button without a response and pressed the back of my hand against my forehead to stop the world from spinning.

  “Andie, what’s wrong?” Jill said, touching my arm.

  I shook my head, my pulse thrashing in my ears. “The hospital. We have to go to the hospital.”

  “What? Why? What happened?”

  “My mom. I need to go. I need to go.” I pushed off her, bounding into a car’s bumper when my knees weakened.

  “Whoa, slow down.” Jill reached out to help me balance, but I shoved her away.

  I needed to get out of here. I needed to find out what happened to Mom.

  Trembling, I ran for Jill’s car and climbed into the passenger’s seat as she hopped behind the wheel, gunning the engine. I took deep breaths, trying to hold myself together, as we sped through the city. When Jill swung her car up to the hospital’s main entrance, I flung my door open and raced into the building.

  “Can I help you?” the woman at the front desk asked, her eyes worried.

  “My mom. Please, I need to see her. Susan Hamilton.”

  The secretary typed something into her computer. “Are you family?”

  Did you not just hear me? “Yes! Now, let me back there, please!”

  “I’m sorry. You’re going to have to have a seat in the waiting room. I’ll let the officers know you’re here.”

  “What?” I shouted. “She’s my mom!”

  Jill, appearing out of nowhere, tugged me toward the chairs. “Hey—”

  “No! I want to see her. You have to let me see her!”

  “Andie, stop!” She gripped my shoulders. “They’ll let you back there as soon as they can. But she might be in surgery right now, and it could be there’s nowhere for us to go yet. We have to wait. There’s nothing else we can do.”

  The woman at the desk shot Jill a look—an apologetic thank you. I nodded and followed her to the waiting area, but I couldn’t sit still. Not while Mom might be in surgery. Not while she might be—

  Don’t, Andie. Don’t think it.

  Neil and Owen dashed through the door a few minutes later, and the woman at the desk pointed in our direction. I stood to give Neil a hug, but as soon as his eyes found mine, I broke. Quickly, he crossed the waiting room and gathered me into his arms. I clung to him and cried into his chest, unable to form words. I couldn’t lose my mom. I couldn’t.

  Neil eased me into a chair when my sobs slowed. He wiped the tears from my cheek and planted a kiss on my forehead. “Don’t give up on her, all right?” he said. “It might not be as bad as you think.”

  I nodded, another tear falling, and he caught that one, too.

  “Neil, come here a minute,” Owen said, separating from Jill.

  Neil looked me over, silently asking if I’d be okay. When I nodded, he stood and sat in the chair next to his best friend. One hand folded over the other, he leaned on his knees, pressing his fist to his lips. The tension in his face was stronger than I’d ever seen. Out of the corner of my eye, Owen whispered something in his best friend’s ear. Neil’s head drooped. My heart ricocheted off my ribs.

  “They’re talking man stuff.” Jill plopped down next to me. “No need to worry.”

  Neil sat back in his chair and put his hands on top of his head. His eyes were glassy. He and Owen spoke in hushed voices, but the rage—no, the fear—on Neil’s face reminded me of when I showed up at his house unannounced.

  “But—” I started.

  “Just sit with me,” Jill said. “Hey, tell me how things with Neil went. I got bits and pieces from dinner that Owen walked
in on you guys. Did you end up, y’know, doing the touchdown dance?” She wiggled her eyebrows.

  My chin trembled, and the room blurred. I didn’t want to talk about sex, not now.

  “Oh, God. Jill, what if—?” I covered my mouth with shaking fingers and grasped the locket around my neck with my other hand.

  She rubbed my back. “Let’s not jump to conclusions here. Would Hermione panic until she had all the facts? No. Maybe all they’re doing is resetting her arm or something.”

  Neil balanced on the edge of his seat, watching me, his face lined with concern. I shrank into the curve of my chair and rubbed my eyes, determined to keep any tears from falling.

  Jill stuck her hand in mine.

  “Thank you for calling him,” I said.

  I lay my head on her shoulder, and we sat like that for at least an hour. Then Neil perked up in his seat. I turned my head. Behind me, Jill’s dad approached wearing his cop uniform. I was on my feet in seconds, Jill by my side. My pulse pounded in my ears, my chest, my knees.

  “Sit down, Andie,” Mr. Anderson said.

  Oh, no. It was two years ago all over again. My knees gave out, and Jill guided me into the chair.

  Mr. Anderson took a seat in front of me. His dark eyes were kind but full of sorrow and anxiety. He leaned forward, rubbing his chin. “I don’t know what to tell you, kiddo. Your mom made me promise to keep this to myself months ago, when you girls first started hanging out.”

  I held my breath. I couldn’t take any more secrets. I thought back to how Mom had acted the last several months. Yes, she’d lost a lot of weight, and yes, she seemed to be sleeping a lot more, but that was just stress. Between work and me—and lately the added weight of our bankruptcy—I understood. What could she possibly have been hiding from me this whole time?

  I caught Neil’s stare. His face was so white, and the crease between his eyebrows was deeper than I’d ever seen it before. His anxiety only added to the heart-wrenching panic in my gut.

  “Andie.”