Harold Pinter Plays 1
Page 12
GUS. Why not?
BEN. Fetch one of those plates.
GUS. All right.
GUS goes towards the door, left, and stops.
Do you mean I can keep the Eccles cake then?
BEN. Keep it?
GUS. Well, they don’t know we’ve got it, do they?
BEN. That’s not the point.
GUS. Can’t I keep it?
BEN. No, you can’t. Get the plate.
GUS exits, left. BEN looks in the bag. He brings out a packet of crisps. Enter GUS with a plate.
(Accusingly, holding up the crisps). Where did these come from?
GUS. What?
BEN. Where did these crisps come from?
GUS. Where did you find them?
BEN (hitting him on the shoulder). You’re playing a dirty game, my lad!
GUS. I only eat those with beer!
BEN. Well, where were you going to get the beer?
GUS. I was saving them till I did.
BEN. I’ll remember this. Put everything on the plate.
They pile everything on to the plate. The box goes up without the plate.
Wait a minute!
They stand.
GUS. It’s gone up.
BEN. It’s all your stupid fault, playing about!
GUS. What do we do now?
BEN. We’ll have to wait till it comes down.
BEN puts the plate on the bed, puts on his shoulder holster, and starts to put on his tie.
You’d better get ready.
GUS goes to his bed, puts on his tie, and starts to fix his holster.
GUS. Hey, Ben.
BEN. What?
GUS. What’s going on here?
Pause.
BEN. What do you mean?
GUS. How can this be a café?
BEN. It used to be a café.
GUS. Have you seen the gas stove?
BEN. What about it?
GUS. It’s only got three rings.
BEN. So what?
GUS. Well, you couldn’t cook much on three rings, not for a busy place like this.
BEN (irritably). That’s why the service is slow!
BEN puts on his waistcoat.
GUS. Yes, but what happens when we’re not here? What do they do then? All these menus coming down and nothing going up. It might have been going on like this for years.
BEN brushes his jacket.
What happens when we go?
BEN puts on his jacket.
They can’t do much business.
The box descends. They turn about. GUS goes to the hatch and brings out a note.
GUS (reading). Macaroni Pastitsio. Ormitha Macarounada.
BEN. What was that?
GUS. Macaroni Pastitsio. Ormitha Macarounada.
BEN. Greek dishes.
GUS. No.
BEN. That’s right.
GUS. That’s pretty high class.
BEN. Quick before it goes up.
GUS puts the plate in the box.
GUS (calling up the hatch). Three McVitie and Price! One Lyons Red Label! One Smith’s Crisps! One Eccles cake! One Fruit and Nut!
BEN. Cadbury’s.
GUS (up the hatch). Cadbury’s!
BEN (handing the milk). One bottle of milk.
GUS (up the hatch). One bottle of milk! Half a pint! (He looks at the label.) Express Dairy! (He puts the bottle in the box.)
The box goes up.
Just did it.
BEN. You shouldn’t shout like that.
GUS. Why not?
BEN. It isn’t done.
BEN goes to his bed.
Well, that should be all right, anyway, for the time being.
GUS. You think so, eh?
BEN. Get dressed, will you? It’ll be any minute now.
GUS puts on his waistcoat. BEN lies down and looks up at the ceiling.
GUS. This is some place. No tea and no biscuits.
BEN. Eating makes you lazy, mate. You’re getting lazy, you know that? You don’t want to get slack on your job.
GUS. Who me?
BEN. Slack, mate, slack.
GUS. Who me? Slack?
BEN. Have you checked your gun? You haven’t even checked your gun. It looks disgraceful, anyway. Why don’t you ever polish it?
GUS rubs his revolver on the sheet. BEN takes out a pocket mirror and straightens his tie.
GUS. I wonder where the cook is. They must have had a few, to cope with that. Maybe they had a few more gas stoves. Eh! Maybe there’s another kitchen along the passage.
BEN. Of course there is! Do you know what it takes to make an Ormitha Macarounada?
GUS. No, what?
BEN. An Ormitha –! Buck your ideas up, will you?
GUS. Takes a few cooks, eh?
GUS puts his revolver in its holster.
The sooner we’re out of this place the better.
He puts on his jacket.
Why doesn’t he get in touch? I feel like I’ve been here years. (He takes his revolver out of its holster to check the ammunition.) We’ve never let him down though, have we? We’ve never let him down. I was thinking only the other day, Ben. We’re reliable, aren’t we?
He puts his revolver back in its holster.
Still, I’ll be glad when it’s over tonight.
He brushes his jacket.
I hope the bloke’s not going to get excited tonight, or anything. I’m feeling a bit off. I’ve got a splitting headache.
Silence.
The box descends. BEN jumps up.
GUS collects the note.
(Reading.) One Bamboo Shoots, Water Chestnuts and Chicken. One Char Siu and Beansprouts.
BEN. Beansprouts?
GUS. Yes.
BEN. Blimey.
GUS. I wouldn’t know where to begin.
He looks back at the box. The packet of tea is inside it. He picks it up.
They’ve sent back the tea.
BEN (anxious). What’d they do that for?
GUS. Maybe it isn’t tea-time.
The box goes up. Silence.
BEN (throwing the tea on the bed, and speaking urgently). Look here. We’d better tell them.
GUS. Tell them what?
BEN. That we can’t do it, we haven’t got it.
GUS. All right then.
BEN. Lend us your pencil. We’ll write a note.
GUS, turning for a pencil, suddenly discovers the speaking-tube , which hangs on the right wall of the hatch facing his bed.
GUS. What’s this?
BEN. What?
GUS. This.
BEN (examining it). This? It’s a speaking-tube.
GUS. How long has that been there?
BEN. Just the job. We should have used it before, instead of shouting up there.
GUS. Funny I never noticed it before.
BEN. Well, come on.
GUS. What do you do?
BEN. See that? That’s a whistle.
GUS. What, this?
BEN. Yes, take it out. Pull it out.
GUS does so.
That’s it.
GUS. What do we do now?
BEN. Blow into it.
GUS. Blow?
BEN. It whistles up there if you blow. Then they know you want to speak. Blow.
GUS blows. Silence.
GUS (tube at mouth). I can’t hear a thing.
BEN. Now you speak! Speak into it!
GUS looks at BEN, then speaks into the tube.
GUS. The larder’s bare!
BEN. Give me that!
He grabs the tube and puts it to his mouth.
(Speaking with great deference.) Good evening. I’m sorry to – bother you, but we just thought we’d better let you know that we haven’t got anything left. We sent up all we had. There’s no more food down here.
He brings the tube slowly to his ear.
What?
To mouth.
What?
To ear. He listens. To mouth.
No, all we had we
sent up.
To ear. He listens. To mouth.
Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that.
To ear. He listens. To GUS.
The Eccles cake was stale.
He listens. To GUS.
The chocolate was melted.
He listens. To GUS.
The milk was sour.
GUS. What about the crisps?
BEN (listening). The biscuits were mouldy.
He glares at GUS. Tube to mouth.
Well, we’re very sorry about that.
Tube to ear.
What?
To mouth.
What?
To ear.
Yes. Yes.
To mouth.
Yes certainly. Certainly. Right away.
To ear. The voice has ceased. He hangs up the tube.
(Excitedly). Did you hear that?
GUS. What?
BEN. You know what he said? Light the kettle! Not put on the kettle! Not light the gas! But light the kettle!
GUS. How can we light the kettle?
BEN. What do you mean?
GUS. There’s no gas.
BEN (clapping hand to head). Now what do we do?
GUS. What did he want us to light the kettle for?
BEN. For tea. He wanted a cup of tea.
GUS. He wanted a cup of tea! What about me? I’ve been wanting a cup of tea all night!
BEN (despairingly). What do we do now?
GUS. What are we supposed to drink?
BEN sits on his bed, staring.
What about us?
BEN sits.
I’m thirsty too. I’m starving. And he wants a cup of tea. That beats the band, that does.
BEN lets his head sink on to his chest.
I could do with a bit of sustenance myself. What about you? You look as if you could do with something too.
GUS sits on his bed.
We send him up all we’ve got and he’s not satisfied. No, honest, it’s enough to make the cat laugh. Why did you send him up all that stuff? (Thoughtfully.) Why did I send it up?
Pause.
Who knows what he’s got upstairs? He’s probably got a salad bowl. They must have something up there. They won’t get much from down here. You notice they didn’t ask for any salads? They’ve probably got a salad bowl up there. Cold meat, radishes, cucumbers. Watercress. Roll mops.
Pause.
Hardboiled eggs.
Pause.
The lot. They’ve probably got a crate of beer too. Probably eating my crisps with a pint of beer now. Didn’t have anything to say about those crisps, did he? They do all right, don’t worry about that. You don’t think they’re just going to sit there and wait for stuff to come up from down here, do you? That’ll get them nowhere.
Pause.
They do all right.
Pause.
And he wants a cup of tea.
Pause.
That’s past a joke, in my opinion.
He looks over at BEN, rises, and goes to him.
What’s the matter with you? You don’t look too bright. I feel like an Alka-Seltzer myself.
BEN sits up.
BEN (in a low voice). Time’s getting on.
GUS. I know. I don’t like doing a job on an empty stomach.
BEN (wearily). Be quiet a minute. Let me give you your instructions.
GUS. What for? We always do it the same way, don’t we?
BEN. Let me give you your instructions.
GUS sighs and sits next to BEN on the bed. The instructions are stated and repeated automatically.
When we get the call, you go over and stand behind the door.
GUS. Stand behind the door.
BEN. If there’s a knock on the door you don’t answer it.
GUS. If there’s a knock on the door I don’t answer it.
BEN. But there won’t be a knock on the door.
GUS. So I won’t answer it.
BEN. When the bloke comes in –
GUS. When the bloke comes in –
BEN. Shut the door behind him.
GUS. Shut the door behind him.
BEN. Without divulging your presence.
GUS. Without divulging my presence.
BEN. He’ll see me and come towards me.
GUS. He’ll see you and come towards you.
BEN. He won’t see you.
GUS (absently). Eh?
BEN. He won’t see you.
GUS. He won’t see me.
BEN. But he’ll see me.
GUS. He’ll see you.
BEN. He won’t know you’re there.
GUS. He won’t know you’re there.
BEN. He won’t know you’re there.
GUS. He won’t know I’m there.
BEN. I take out my gun.
GUS. You take out your gun.
BEN. He stops in his tracks.
GUS. He stops in his tracks.
BEN. If he turns round –
GUS. If he turns round –
BEN. You’re there.
GUS. I’m here.
BEN frowns and presses his forehead.
You’ve missed something out.
BEN. I know. What?
GUS. I haven’t taken my gun out, according to you.
BEN. You take your gun out –
GUS. After I’ve closed the door.
BEN. After you’ve closed the door.
GUS. You’ve never missed that out before, you know that?
BEN. When he sees you behind him –
GUS. Me behind him –
BEN. And me in front of him –
GUS. And you in front of him –
BEN. He’ll feel uncertain –
GUS. Uneasy.
BEN. He won’t know what to do.
GUS. So what will he do?
BEN. He’ll look at me and he’ll look at you.
GUS. We won’t say a word.
BEN. We’ll look at him.
GUS. He won’t say a word.
BEN. He’ll look at us.
GUS. And we’ll look at him.
BEN. Nobody says a word.
Pause.
GUS. What do we do if it’s a girl?
BEN. We do the same.
GUS. Exactly the same?
BEN. Exactly.
Pause.
GUS. We don’t do anything different?
BEN. We do exactly the same.
GUS. Oh.
GUS rises, and shivers.
Excuse me.
He exits through the door on the left. BEN remains sitting on the bed, still.
The lavatory chain is pulled once off left, but the lavatory does not flush.
Silence.
GUS re-enters and stops inside the door, deep in thought. He looks at BEN, then walks slowly across to his own bed. He is troubled. He stands, thinking. He turns and looks at BEN. He moves a few paces towards him.
(Slowly in a low, tense voice.) Why did he send us matches if he knew there was no gas?
Silence.
BEN stares in front of him. GUS crosses to the left side of BEN, to the foot of his bed, to get to his other ear.
Ben. Why did he send us matches if he knew there was no gas?
BEN looks up.
Why did he do that?
BEN. Who?
GUS. Who sent us those matches?
BEN. What are you talking about?
GUS stares down at him.
GUS (thickly). Who is it upstairs?
BEN (nervously). What’s one thing to do with another?
GUS. Who is it, though?
BEN. What’s one thing to do with another?
BEN fumbles for his paper on the bed.
GUS. I asked you a question.
BEN. Enough!
GUS (with growing agitation). I asked you before. Who moved in? I asked you. You said the people who had it before moved out. Well, who moved in?
BEN (hunched). Shut up.
GUS. I told you, didn’t I?
BEN (standing)
. Shut up!
GUS (feverishly). I told you before who owned this place, didn’t I? I told you.
BEN hits him viciously on the shoulder.
I told you who ran this place, didn’t I?
BEN hits him viciously on the shoulder.
(Violently.) Well, what’s he playing all these games for? That’s what I want to know. What’s he doing it for?
BEN. What games?
GUS (passionately, advancing). What’s he doing it for? We’ve been through our tests, haven’t we? We got right through our tests, years ago, didn’t we? We took them together, don’t you remember, didn’t we? We’ve proved ourselves before now, haven’t we? We’ve always done our job. What’s he doing all this for? What’s the idea? What’s he playing these games for?
The box in the shaft comes down behind them. The noise is this time accompanied by a shrill whistle, as it falls. GUS rushes to the hatch and seizes the note.
(Reading.) Scampi!
He crumples the note, picks up the tube, takes out the whistle, blows and speaks.
WE’VE GOT NOTHING LEFT! NOTHING! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
BEN seizes the tube and flings GUS away. He follows GUS and slaps him hard, back-handed, across the chest.
BEN. Stop it! You maniac!
GUS. But you heard!
BEN (savagely). That’s enough! I’m warning you!
Silence.
BEN hangs the tube. He goes to his bed and lies down. He picks up his paper and reads.
Silence.
The box goes up.
They turn quickly, their eyes meet. BEN turns to his paper.
Slowly GUS goes back to his bed, and sits.
Silence.
The hatch falls back into place.
They turn quickly, their eyes meet. BEN turns back to his paper.
Silence.
BEN throws his paper down.
BEN. Kaw!
He picks up the paper and looks at it.
Listen to this!
Pause.
What about that, eh?
Pause.
Kaw!
Pause.
Have you ever heard such a thing?
GUS (dully). Go on!
BEN. It’s true.
GUS. Get away.
BEN. It’s down here in black and white.
GUS (very low). Is that a fact?
BEN. Can you imagine it.
GUS. It’s unbelievable.
BEN. It’s enough to make you want to puke, isn’t it?
GUS (almost inaudible). Incredible.
BEN shakes his head. He puts the paper down and rises. He fixes the revolver in his holster.
GUS stands up. He goes towards the door on the left.
BEN. Where are you going?
GUS. I’m going to have a glass of water.
He exits. BEN brushes dust off his clothes and shoes. The whistle in the speaking-tube blows. He goes to it, takes the whistle out and puts the tube to his ear. He listens. He puts it to his mouth.