by Clara Bayard
“Hang on,” Vincent said. In a second he was back on the phone and leaning out the front of the bus. “Julia, we’ve got to catch this. Rain check?”
“What? I-” But he was already gone. The crew broke down the lights and were off the bus in a flash. I peered out the window but the only thing I could see was Joe standing next to their bus, waving his arms and talking to someone. I could hear both of their voices but not well enough to know what they were saying, or who the other person in the conversation was, invisible around the side of the bus.
“Okay, then.” I headed down, wondering what could possibly be so exciting. Vincent and the camera crew had set up their customary distance away, but every camera was trained on Joe. I slipped around behind them and saw he was talking to Matthew. And now that I was outside, I could hear them clearly, arguing. I’d never actually heard Matthew be that loud. I was intrigued, if a little embarrassed to be skulking around like this.
But then my phone buzzed in my pocket and I checked it. A message from Rick.
Tired of band bullshit. Drinking in my dressing room. Come distract me.
I smiled and shoved the phone away. Whatever drama was going on had nothing to do with me for a change and I wasn’t going to get involved. Besides, it seemed like progress that Rick was staying out of it too. Usually he’d feel obliged to get in the middle of things. And I could think of plenty of ways to keep his mind and body occupied.
THREE
Right before the buses were leaving the next morning, Becca appeared on mine.
“Hey,” I said, getting up to greet her. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, sure. I just thought I’d ride down with you today. Is that cool?”
“Of course. Don’t the guys need you?”
She shook her head and fidgeted with her ponytail. “Not today. They’re all…it doesn’t matter. I just need a little break from them.”
She was trying to be casual, but I could tell she was upset. “Come in the back with me. Janine is doing yoga or something, but we can talk.”
“Okay. It’s not a big deal.”
“I know. But these idiots are in the middle of a horrible cartoon marathon.” I gestured at the members of my backing band, lounging around the space. “Trust me; you don’t want to be in the middle of it. Fred does all the voices – terribly.”
She smiled and followed me into the back. My bus was the smallest, but the nicest, I thought. The others were all dark chrome and leather. Mine had lighter wood and suede accents. More like a cool sitting room than a mobile strip club.
We passed the rows of bunks and headed into my room. Well, technically it was mine. But Janine did an hour of yoga every day and most times on the road that meant she needed to do it on the bus, so I always let her have the privacy. The bed folded up to allow just enough room for her to roll out her mat and do her thing.
I knocked on the door as I opened it. “Can we come in?”
“Sure,” the singer said from the floor. She was sitting with her legs crossed and eyes closed, breathing deeply. “I’m done, just centering myself.”
I rolled my eyes. “Save that Zen bullshit for someone else, buddy.”
Janine giggled. “Shut up.” She opened her eyes and smiled at Becca. “Hey. Don’t mind me, I’m just getting some fake exercise.”
“It’s more than I do,” Becca replied, sinking down onto the floor. “Unless running around backstage counts.”
“It does.” I joined them, leaning against a wall with my legs stretched out in front of me.
“So, what’s up?” Janine pulled a hoodie on over her tank top.
“I needed to spend a little time with girls. That bus, even excusing the stench, is just a bit much today.”
I laughed. “I can imagine. Well, you’re always welcome here, Becca. You know that.”
“Thanks. What are you guys doing for the ride?”
“What do we have, five hours?”
“About.”
I shrugged. “I didn’t make any plans. Actually slept okay last night so I’m not tired.”
“I know what we should do,” Janine said.
“What?”
“Grab some beers and lock the door. No boys allowed.”
Becca smiled. “I love it. I can’t remember the last time I had some good girl talk time.”
I nodded in agreement but realized I hadn’t really ever had girl talk time. Maybe with my friend Jessica when I was a teenager. Before she died. But since then I’d been all business. Friends were something I never really learned how to make. I spent most of my life surrounded by people, but feeling lonely. Isolated. But now here I was, on my tour bus with two relatively new but good girlfriends. And the guys in the front were great too. Hell, I could call pretty much everyone on the tour a friend. Except for the suits, of course. And my mother. And then there was Rick. He was…something else.
It was weird to discover how much my life had changed without me really noticing. Weird, but nice.
“Earth to Julia?”
I grinned and shook my head. “Sorry. Daydreaming, I guess.”
“Well pay attention. Becca asked you an important question.”
“She did?” I turned to her. “You did?”
“Yeah. Do you have any ice cream?”
“I do. Secret stash in here. Anything in the main kitchen gets sucked into Fred’s black hole of a stomach.”
“Tell me about it,” Janine said. “I’ve been with those guys for two years and he never stops eating. And still weighs nothing. Whereas just thinking about ice cream makes me gain five pounds.” She patted the swell of her stomach and frowned.
“Hey. None of that.” I held up a hand. “Look, we’re all three big girls here. And beautiful and sexy. No getting down on ourselves, okay? The rest of the world is happy to do it, we don’t need to help.”
“Amen to that.” Becca slapped my hand in a “high five” gesture and went over to the small refrigerator in the closet.
She came back with beers and ice cream. We sat around on the floor, chatting and drinking and eating as the freeway zoomed past through the window. As more alcohol and sugar made their way into our systems, the conversation turned more personal. Away from celebrity gossip and clothes to relationships and drama.
“So, Julia, can I ask you something?”
I nodded. “Anything.”
“You’ve been…different lately,” Becca continued. “Happier. Is it just comfort, getting used to things or is something else going on?”
I ducked my head. “Little of both I think.”
Janine leaned in and poked my knee. “Spill it, girl.”
I bit my lip and looked out the window for a moment. “Honestly, I’ve never been happier. The work is great, and I’ve always wanted to do something like this. I guess all my dreams are coming true and it’s even better than I thought it could be.”
“Come on. No one is that smiley about singing onstage.”
Becca smiled. “It’s okay, Julia. We know about you and Rick. Don’t worry, none of the guys do. They’re clueless. Unless it’s a videogame, booze, a naked girl or a fart noise, they’re not interested. And…” She held up a hand as I started to interrupt. “You know I’ve had my issues with him. And at first I thought you were crazy to go anywhere near him. But he’s different too. Still a jerk, but less…I don’t know, less vicious I guess. Like we’ll never be best friends, but I don’t cringe every time we’re in the same room together. If that’s your influence, I’m glad.”
I shrugged. “I dunno. I mean, yeah, I guess we’re…something. We don’t talk about our relationship or anything like that. I just like hanging out with him.”
“Can’t blame you, really,” Janine added. “He’s smoking hot, hon. Nothing wrong with a sexy jerk every now and then, as long as he treats you right.”
“He does. I mean, we argue constantly. But I give as good as I get.”
“I bet. But come on, give us the juicy details.”
&n
bsp; “No,” I said, covering my mouth with mock horror. “A lady never tells.”
She snorted and looked at Becca. “Are there more beers? I bet we can get it out of her with a few more beers.”
“There aren’t. And besides, I’m not sure I want details.”
“Of course you do, Becca. Maybe Rick can give your man some tips.”
Becca tossed her shoulders back and smirked. “I sincerely doubt that.”
I stared at her for a minute and then we all collapsed into giggles. I thought, this is what regular girls do. Laugh and joke with friends. Talk about boys and silly things. Have nothing better to do than bullshit all afternoon. I could get used to it.
“Anyway, it’s just fun right now. I’m trying not to think too much about anything. Don’t want to jinx it.”
Janine sat up and wrapped her arms around her knees. “I know exactly what you mean. When everything is going well, it’s like you can’t stop waiting for it to end.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “It’s like there’s a timer running, can’t be happy too long or it explodes. And I’m just waiting for it to ignite.”
“Been there.” My backup singer smiled wistfully. “But you gotta just do your thing. Enjoy life while it’s good because if you don’t, if you worry too much…you’re screwed. Then everything goes to hell and you realize you never enjoyed what you had. It’s true about relationships and work. Appreciate what you’ve got while you have it.”
She looked away and I thought might have been blinking away tears. I wanted to ask her what she meant. Clearly that advice was based on personal experience. But all this friend stuff was so new to me. I didn’t know how to approach it without seeming like I was prying.
So, I settled for just putting a hand on her arm, hoping she knew I was open if she did want to talk about it. “You’re right, I know. But it’s hard to do. I spent my whole life trying to get here and it’s weird. I don’t know how to not be worrying about the future or striving to get somewhere.”
Janine nodded. “Yeah, I get it. I used to be a big planner you know? Always knew where I was going and what I was doing. Everything organized and plotted out.”
Becca laughed. “I’m still like that.”
“It works for you, hon. But I was making myself crazy. How will this end, where will it go. All that. But whether it’s a job or a guy, everything ends, eventually. Some things sooner than you want. But I really believe everything happens for a reason, even if we don’t understand at first. People and opportunities come into your life when they need to. And if you just go with the flow you’ll probably figure out why. And no matter what happens down the line, if you just go for it, you’ll know that you did the right thing. Accepted the gift the Universe gave you.”
We were all silent for a while until Becca broke the moment. “That was way too deep for girl talk, Jan.”
“Sorry.” She grinned. Can we go back to talking about Julia’s sex life?”
I laughed and we went back to talking about silly things, but what Janine said stuck with me. Maybe Rick wasn’t a long-term option, but he was here at exactly the right time. Enhancing a wonderful experience. And couldn’t that be enough? Shouldn’t it?
I was getting up to fetch a bottle of water when the bus swerved and then lurched to a sudden stop and I almost fell over. “What the fuck?”
Becca’s phone rang as Janine jumped up to look out the window.
“Did we blow out a tire or something?” I asked.
“Maybe,” Janine said. “We’re on the side of the freeway.”
“I wonder…” Whatever I was going to say disappeared from my thoughts when I saw Becca’s face. Normally unflappable, she was pale and clearly panicking.
“I’ll be there in a second. Tell them to keep them separated.” She didn’t say anything to us before flinging open the door and heading out to the front of the bus.
Janine and I followed, of course. By the time we reached the front, she was already gone. Out the window I could see Dream Defiled’s bus in front of us on the shoulder. The back bumper was scant feet from the front of my bus and I realized our driver must have swerved to keep from crashing into the other bus. Very strange. There didn’t seem to be any damage, but from the way it rested half off and half on the road, obviously they’d stopped unexpectedly and without time for the driver to pull safely off the road. These drivers were real professionals and the fact that they’d done such a shoddy job told me something was very wrong.
As traffic streamed past, I climbed down the stairs and went after Becca. I saw her blond head disappear around the corner of the bus. I could hear the others behind me, following and speculating.
What I saw next stopped me cold and dread sent my stomach flipping. Dex was standing in front of Becca. All four of their hands covered his face, but I could see blood dripping down onto his t-shirt.
“Oh my god,” was all I could say. But within seconds I was struck entirely speechless. Joe came barreling out of their bus with Rick, Matthew and Red, their head of security following him and yelling and trying to stop him.
“You fucking coward,” he shouted, running at Dex full-speed with hatred in his eyes.
Dex spun around, tucking Becca behind him as he faced the lead singer of his band, and best friend. “Take another step and I’ll wring your neck, mate.”
“Try it.”
The two men were soon standing chest to chest, both breathing heavily. The air was thick with tension as everyone looked on in shock.
“Come on, asshole, make a move. I’ll break your nose again and send you crying to the bottom of a bottle.”
Dex swung his fist and it connected with Joe’s face. I gasped and Becca screamed.
Rick was the first to reach the battling pair and wrapped his arms around Joe from behind, lifting the smaller man into the air and flinging him away towards the front of the tour bus. “Get him back inside, Red,” he shouted before turning his attention to Dex, who was trying to reach past him to get to Joe again. “Gonna hit me too?”
Dex’s voice was thick with blood when he replied. “If I have to. Get out of the way.”
“Not a chance.” Rick’s face was granite, expressionless. But I knew that look. Knew that behind it was a heart that was breaking. This was his worst fear realized. His bandmates fighting, and he hadn’t been able to stop it. Between the shock of the incident and worry for him, I was shaking. Janine put a hand on my shoulder. I covered her fingers with mine and squeezed to thank her.
Some of the guys managed to wrestle Joe back onto the bus, and Becca wept as she begged Dex to move, let someone look at his nose. He eventually relented and they strode past us onto my bus.
I went to Rick. Once I got close I saw his jeans had blood on them, as did his hands. “Are you hurt?”
He shook his head. With the lights of cars going by throwing dark shadows over his face, Rick looked like a stranger. But he wasn’t. And I knew no one else would understand what was happening in his head. How he was hurting. “Let’s get out of the road,” I prodded.
He didn’t speak, but let me take his arm and lead him around the side of my bus for a moment of privacy.
I leaned against the concrete barrier on the side of the freeway and stroked his arm. “What happened?”
“I…” Rick cleared his throat. “I’m not really sure. Joe was on the phone in the back as usual. Dex went back to ask him something I think and then they were shouting at each other. It happened so fast. Before I knew it they came up front and were shoving back and forth. At first it was just regular shit. Guys, you know? But then…it just changed. Joe sucker punched Dex and then they were on the floor. I tried to break them up and the driver yelled and pulled off the road and it just…” He looked down at the smear of blood on his jeans.
“It’s okay; you don’t have to tell me anything else.”
“Jules…” He looked into my eyes and I could see the pain. The flash of scared little boy beneath the big strong man. “What’s t
he hell is happening?”
I wrapped my arms around him and held him close. “I don’t know, but it’s going to be okay. I know everything will be okay.”
We stayed there for a few minutes, not speaking. My heart rate slowed to normal and the tension in Rick’s shoulders relaxed a little. I pulled back and looked up into his eyes. “I meant that, Rick. It will be okay.”
He nodded and crossed his arms, closing himself off from me. But I didn’t mind. I understood.
“Maybe everyone just needs some time to cool off. All the build up to the tour and stress of going so hard, it’s a lot to deal with.” I wasn’t sure I thought that was all it was, but I felt the need to reassure Rick, and myself.
Before he could answer, my bus driver, Clark, appeared. “Hey guys, we need to get going. Rick, your manager is looking for you.”
‘Thanks. We’ll be right there,” I said.
“Fuck, I do not want to deal with Ryan right now.”
“Want me to go with you?”
“Nah,” he said, tucking a lock of hair behind my ear. “But…thank you.”
I smiled. “Anytime.”
He ran his thumb over my lower lip before turning to walk away. I had the feeling that whatever happened with his band, something had changed between us, and would never be the same. I just wasn’t sure if it was good or bad.
FOUR
There are things that happen in life and you look back and wonder when it all changed. What the thing, or person, or experience, or moment that made it impossible for anything to ever be the same again. It turned out that stupid fight was one of those moments for me, and it didn’t actually have anything to do with me.
The next week of the tour was strained, to say the least. Dex and Joe were barely speaking to each other, which spoiled the delicate balance of things for all the members of Dream Defiled. During shows they were fine. Consummate professionals doing their thing. Watching from the wings I would never have guessed at the tension behind-the-scenes. But as soon as the last note was finished, they all went separate ways. The fan meetings that had started out extending into nights of fun became short. Raucous group partying gave way to separate lives.
