Steeling My Haart

by Lizzy Roberts

  As if he could sense her watching him, Bruce turned his head and flashed her a crooked smile. “Hey, pretty lady, you checking me out again?” He chuckled, the laughter sticking in his throat as he saw the desire creeping across her face. “Emma, you know this is a bad idea, but if you keep looking at me like that…” He stopped short as she shuffled nearer to him, gently rubbing her hand up and down his solid thigh. He flinched then froze at the contact, as if he was not quite sure what to do with himself. Staring down at her hand that was inching closer to his groin, he coughed nervously and took her hand in his.

  “Come on, Emma, I think we need to get you to bed before we both do something we might regret in the morning.”

  She exhaled and nodded, but the frustration boiled from within. He stood, helping her out of the booth and across the lobby to the elevators. Emma followed sheepishly, swaying slightly behind him, her hand held firmly in his and the contact was causing tingles to radiate from where his hand met hers. As the elevator arrived, she swayed a little too much as she started to walk and stumbled. As she felt herself falling, a strong arm reached out and grabbed her, pulling her tight against his firm and well-toned chest and into the elevator. As Bruce hit the button for the floor, they were both panting. He bowed his head towards her neck and rested it lightly just by her collarbone.

  “You know this is a really bad idea,” he whispered still, holding her close to his perfect, chiseled body. She moaned breathlessly at the contact, and as the elevator signaled its arrival on their floor he scooped her up into his strong arms. She ran her hands up his chest, over his shoulders and round the back of his neck and she could feel his lean muscular body through the thin dress shirt as he carried her to their suite door. He placed her gently onto her feet so he could open the door and swaying again, she threw her arms around his neck and went to kiss him. He froze again, but slowly started to respond to the kiss. Closing his eyes tight, he began thrusting his tongue hungrily into her mouth. Emma was surprised in the midst of the passion of the moment to notice he was quite harsh with his kissing, brutal almost. Very unlike any other time she had been kissed, and it was actually turning her on more.

  She hated that the earlier incident where she swore she saw Charlie in the hotel had caused this desperation to surface again. It was the same every time she thought she had spotted him. She needed to seek solace in someone to make the hurt go away. Chasing thoughts of Charlie out of her mind, she turned her attention to Bruce. Had she been thinking straight, she would have been able to stop herself, but the kiss felt too good, and although it wasn’t the leg weakening feeling she had every time Charlie had kissed her, it was enough. She wasn’t thinking right then that this could jeopardize everything, but she just needed to not feel for a while.

  Strangely, Bruce just kept on kissing her and held her tightly as he explored her mouth more thoroughly with his tongue. He was powerful in his delivery and she was almost in pain with the ferocity of the kiss. She quickly ditched her heels, and after inching up the skirt of her dress, jumped to wrap her legs around his waist. Had she been thinking clearly, she would have perhaps have noticed the lack of hardness she should have felt beneath her damp groin. Bruce broke the kiss and carried her to her bedroom, gently laying her on the bed. Lowering his head again, he took her mouth in another harsh assault, Emma groaning at the contact. He reached down with his left hand and went to cup her breast, giving it a squeeze. All of a sudden, something didn’t feel quite right. She started to realize that this wasn’t right for a number of reasons, and as she sobered enough to break through the fog of the evening’s alcohol, she tried to back away. Bruce was relentless, though, and as intoxicated as he was, she began to panic slightly when he wasn’t responding to her.

  As Emma opened her eyes, she saw that Bruce appeared to be in a world of his own. His eyes were closed and he looked like he wasn’t there with her at all. She couldn’t decide if it was a mixture of the alcohol clouding his thoughts or the events of earlier this evening that were troubling him. She was acutely aware that he was not putting the same feeling and effort into the kiss, and it caused the brewing panic to bubble within Emma. He continued his passionless assault on her mouth. She felt like it was as if his mind was drifting and he was barely registering what was happening.

  Suddenly, as she started tapping him frantically on the back he shrugged her hands off. She hit him harder and tried to scream at him to try to get him to let up and stop. She tried pulling her mouth away, but he just grabbed her face with both hands and ruthlessly kissed her until she had no choice but to bite his lip to get him to stop. Immediately he backed away and as if he was awakening from a cruel dream, he realized what was happening and leapt away from Emma in one movement, cursing repeatedly to himself.

  “Fuck, fuck, FUCK,” was all she could hear over her thundering heart and own heavy panting. She was left on the bed, her lips sore and her chest heaving after the exertion she had to put in to get Bruce to stop. She wiped her lips and noticed there was a spot of blood there, no doubt from the bite she had just inflicted on him. Sobs erupted violently from her chest as she slowly curled herself into a tight ball on the top of bed.

  “Fuck, oh my God, I am so sorry, Emma. I can’t do this. Fuck, I don’t know what came over me. Are you okay?” His concern was genuine and he looked utterly desolate as he glanced down on the small cowering form on the bed. He took in the scene in front of him and dragged his hands through his now messy hair, pulling at it painfully as if punishing himself for his own actions.

  “Just leave please. I’m sorry if I led you on, but this is all wrong. I’m sorry for doing what I did tonight. I hope it doesn’t ruin anything between us.” Her quiet voice emerged between sniffles, giving away the panic and shame she was feeling.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Emma, please, let me explain…” he replied, the pain and regret clouding his face instantly. He started to walk toward her and stopped as she cowered further away from him, like a small, frightened child.

  “There is really no need, Bruce, just leave. I know I asked for it tonight and for that I am very sorry. It’s my problem and I’ll deal. I’m sorry to have put you in this position.” She sniffed as she rolled away from him and curled into a tighter ball, grabbing a pillow from the bed and hugging it tightly.

  “Emma, you did nothing. It’s my fault. All that bullshit tonight on the text and it’s ruined our evening and now I’ve gone and ruined everything. Stay, please. I’ll pack and I’ll be gone by the morning. You won’t have to see me again if you don’t want, but please I’m so sorry. I’ve led you on too and it’s unfair. Oh God, this is all my fault. Fuck!” He shouted as he turned to leave the room.

  Looking up, Emma felt a little stunned. “I was the one who jumped all over you, Bruce, so I should be the one to leave. Let me sleep this off and I’ll be on the first flight out of here in the morning. You have been nothing but a gentleman today and I’ve repaid your kindness with my appalling behavior.”

  “Emma, if only you understood… You are beautiful and are the most amazing person I have ever met, but it was as much me as you, trust me. Fuck! I don’t know how to say this or whether I should, but I guess now is as good a time as any… I’m gay, Emma, and I’m very much in love with another man. I don’t know what point I was trying to prove today, but certainly hurting you was not my intention at all. I don’t know what has come over me.” He raked his hands through his hair again and turned towards the door as he carried on verbalizing his thoughts. “You didn’t deserve that, and I think I was possibly trying to prove a point to my father in my own mind. I don’t know. Please, Emma, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for using you, for making you believe I was interested in you, and most of all, for getting carried away just then. I have no excuse, and being an asshole doesn’t make it all right. Lou threatened to leave me by text tonight if I don’t come clean to my father, but I think I’ve blown it all. Lou is packing now and leaving me until I can get my shit sorted and now
I’ve totally screwed up everything for you, too.”

  Sobs wracked his body as he leaned towards the wall beside the door and slid down, collapsing to the floor in a crying heap. Emma jumped up from the bed and knelt in front of him. She threw her arms around him, pulling him tight to her. She rocked him gently like a baby, tears streaming down her own face at her own stupidity and in sympathy with his desperation. “Shh, Bruce, it’s going to be okay. I’ve got you,” she soothed and stroked his hair tenderly whilst he took hold of her and wept uncontrollably, soaking her beautiful dress with his tears.

  Many minutes passed as the two distraught figures sat on the floor of the hotel suite that evening. Both of them dealing with their own demons and using each other as a strange source of comfort after the unfortunate events that had led to their individual meltdowns.

  Making a move to stand, he lifted Emma to her feet and quietly spoke, “Come with me, I think we both need a drink and it’s confession time. I’ll tell you everything and hope that you can forgive me for what I’m about to say to you.” Slipping her trembling hand into his, she acknowledged him by giving him a shaky smile and led him out to the huge couch overlooking the strip. It was late and they had already consumed a lot of alcohol but they didn’t need to be at the conference until late morning, but she sensed Bruce needed a friend and a shoulder to cry on as much as she did that night.

  Curling up in the corner of the L-shaped couch and clutching onto an overfilled, throw pillow, she watched Bruce pour two large brandies from the decanter on the sideboard. He handed one of the full glasses to her and reached for a blanket he found and draped it over them as he took a seat.

  He took a long drag of the dark liquid as he turned away from Emma, staring into the distance out of the huge window in front of them. After clearing his throat, he said, “I was at an all-boys boarding school, when I realized I wasn’t into girls like the others. I was never bothered when the other boys used to share stories of conquests and couldn’t care less when they tried to share their stash of dirty magazines. Instead, I found myself as a hormonal teenager struggling during our sports lessons. I probably don’t need to tell you, but as the guys all grew older and their bodies changed and sports lessons, in particular, became my worst nightmare. You can imagine what it could have been like for me as a teenager with raging hormones and having to share locker rooms with other teenage boys. It was nothing short of torture.” He paused to take another long drink of the brandy and continued,

  “I had no one to turn to. How could I say anything to people at school? I would have been ridiculed, bullied, and most certainly ostracized. It took all of my effort to just get through until I left for college. Anytime an obstacle was put in my way, I had to simply put up and shut up. That has always been my father’s motto, and it still is today. There was no way then, and even now, that I could even mention this to my parents. My mother is a pretentious society wife who enjoyed the status of being married to my father, and well, you know my father…” He stood and started to pace the floor, agitated.

  “So, I had to get through three painful years at school, each day becoming more withdrawn and more of an outcast as I couldn’t join in the normal teenage boy discussions. College was better. I was away from home, and in a place where being gay wasn’t taboo like it is elsewhere, but I had to hide myself. I had a few secret relationships there and it was when I really knew what I wanted. I still had to be really careful because of my father, though. He was, and still is, a very generous donor to the business foundation there and he has friends in the right places. He could have crushed me if he ever found out, just like he would now. I’m almost past caring now though and he certainly doesn’t scare me like he did all of those years ago. I’m not the scared little boy I once was and I certainly am not confused. Do you realize you are the first woman I have ever kissed?” He stopped pacing long enough to turn to her and as she was quietly nursing her brandy, listening to his story.

  “I don’t know whether to be honored at that or not,” she tried to joke.

  “If I wasn’t gay, Emma, I’d have swept you off your feet the moment I met you. Some guy is going to be very happy the day you settle down with him, he truly is. You are beautiful, and even though I’m not into women, I can see how absolutely amazing you are,” he admitted.

  Emma blushed. “Thanks, but we all have our secrets, Bruce, and I am so touched that you have shared this with me.”

  “You might not when you hear what I have to say.” He appeared to hang his head in shame and inhaled deeply before continuing. “I planned this trip to be just the two of us. I planned to seduce you, as best I can, to get my father off my case. I feel like a king-sized asshole for that and I need to get this off my chest. My father has expectations, as I mentioned to you earlier, and he has dropped more than enough hints that he would love to see you and I get together and marry. Because I take you to all of the trade functions, he thinks we already have a secret thing going on and I feel ashamed in more than one sense that I haven’t set him straight. You have been a useful excuse for me to sneak around and meet Lou. I am so sorry, Emma, I truly am. I hope that you can forgive me, and I will do everything that I can to set the record straight I promise,” he admitted.

  “Oh, Bruce, I am sorry for everything that has happened tonight, but I am truly touched that you have shared this all with me. Trust me when I say I’m here for you, too. For the record, I’m pretty glad now that tonight happened and that I’ve been able to be here for you. Don’t you worry about me, I’m a big girl and I will get over this I promise. But you need to do something for me?” She smiled weakly as she looked up at him.

  “Anything, Emma, just name it.”

  “Get Lou back. He obviously means the world to you. I saw how defeated you were this evening when you got that text. Don’t make the same mistake I did and let the one thing you love the most in the world walk away and leave you broken.” She said with a voice filled with emotion. Her lips started quivering as another flood of big fat tears ran down her already wet cheeks.

  “Hey, don’t cry for me. And I wish it was so easy, but I think I’ve burned all my bridges with Lou after tonight. God, I don’t even know where he has gone, but I can’t do anything right now, being so far away. His phone is off and the last message I got was pretty final.” The sadness and regret in his voice broke Emma’s heart just a little bit more.

  “You have to do everything you can if you really truly love him, Bruce. I let the best thing that is ever likely to happen to me walk away and I’ve regretted it for the last eight years. Do whatever you can to keep him if you know he is the one. Unless there is something more important to you than him, you have to fight,” she almost shouted, then downing the rest of the brandy she stood a little too quickly and tried to get to her bedroom, her cheeks now wet with the constant stream of tears.

  “Steady there.” Bruce reluctantly slipped his arm around her waist and moved her back to the couch as she stumbled. “You know I’m a great listener, too. I knew from the moment we first met that you are shouldering a lot on those pretty shoulders. I’m here if you want to talk.” The genuine concern on his face blasted the walls that Emma had built to keep her emotions in and the floodgates opened.

  “He was my life. He literally saved my life twice in one night, then made such sweet love to me I almost broke. But the morning after, the bastard just up and left me with nothing more than a letter. A fucking letter.” She paused and took a deep breath just as Bruce across the couch to sit next to her and took her hand in his, rubbing his thumb up and down across her knuckles in a soothing motion, urging her to continue. “Do you remember the super-storm that hit Oklahoma back in 2008? The one that killed many people and completely destroyed much of Glen Springs?”

  Bruce nodded and said, “I remember that, it was a dreadful night and made the national news. I was with Lou that night, we had only just started seeing each other and I was sitting snuggled up to him on his bed. He was pretty moved by th
e scenes we were watching on the television.”

  “I was right in the middle of it, with Charlie. And if it hadn’t been for him, I’d be dead. He was my high school sweetheart and I loved him with all my heart. We were so happy. I’d loved him right from the moment I saw him in the school cafeteria. He was amazing, and you know when you meet someone and there is that spark? Well, it felt like I was on fire when he looked at me that first time. Seriously, as if I broke out in blazing flames all over my body with that one from him look across the crowded room. That was the nickname I gave him, Blaze, because when he looked at me that very first time it felt like my skin broke out in an inferno it was that hot. I never got the chance to tell him that. He used to ask me all the time why I called him that.” She laughed a single bitter laugh.

  “What happened? Why did he leave you?” he asked.