Fast Time

by Shey Stahl

  I knew Axel was trying and that managing all this was wearing on him, but I needed to let him know that something was going to need to change.

  Axel

  Cushion - In dirt or off-road racing, when dirt is kicked up from the track that lands near the wall after trucks drift through the corners. The dirt builds up after time and can slow a driver down if they slide too deep into it while sliding through the turn.

  THE CRISP SCENT OF freshly mowed grass and heated pavement swirled in the air. It was unlike the usual scents around me these days of red-rusted clay and the throaty burn of methanol.

  “Are all these kids five? Some look like they could be ten,” Casten remarked, watching the kids on the field.

  He was right. I didn’t know what they were feeding these kids, but apparently, Jonah hadn’t been eating the same food. Chicken nuggets and corn dogs from the track weren’t cutting it. He had fruit. Sometimes. Veggies, well, never. But trying to convince a five-year-old he needed to eat food that was green wasn’t easy…Couldn’t blame him on that one.

  The summer sun shined down on the back of my neck as we sat in wooden bleachers at the elementary school. Too fired up dads and coaches, who seemed just as intense, lined the chain link fence, ordering around thirteen five-year-old boys. The kids were more concerned with the dirt and the white bases that provided a good amount of bounce when they jumped on them.

  Jonah stood in the outfield, his mitt at his feet, his arms crossed over his chest as he glared at the man ten-feet from him, telling him he needed to pick his glove up off the ground.

  I gave the man a look, not liking that he was bossing my kid around, but understanding this was the gist of organized sports.

  Sighing, Lily sat down next to me with Jacen in her hands, his arms and legs kicking at being contained within the stands when he really wanted to have fistfuls of dirt. She pulled her hair back away from her neck, ivory skin glistening with the blazing sun. Seeing her skin that way made me think of all the places my mouth had been in that shower, and then again in our bed.

  “Stop staring at me and watch your son,” she whispered, pushing away my hand wandering onto her thigh.

  “I am watching him. He’s refusing to pick up his glove.”

  Lily side-eyed me. “And I wonder where his stubbornness comes from?” with her bare knees, she nudged my dad sitting in front of us.

  Dad turned, his eyebrows raised. “I’m not stubborn.”

  Lily rolled her eyes and pushed Jacen onto my lap. “Hold him. I need to put some more sunscreen on him.”

  I didn’t like the sound of that. Both my dad and my mom stood because they were in front of Jacen and would potentially take the brunt of this. Jacen didn’t like sunscreen, or anything on his skin. He would literally punch you if you tried to lather him in anything that left a residue on him.

  Casten leaned forward and gave Lily a head nod to where Gray was playing in the dirt, throwing handfuls of it on anyone who passed by her. “Can you put some on Gray, too?”

  Gray had that same fear.

  “No, she’s covered in dirt. It’s just going to turn into mud.”

  “So?” Casten frowned. “It’ll still protect her skin.”

  Lily held her ground reaching for Casten’s hand. She squirted a small amount of sunscreen in his hand.

  Casten eyed the white glob and smiled. “Reminds me of being thirteen again.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh, though no one else around us found the same humor in that.

  When I watch my brother with Gray, holding a lollipop in front of her face as a peace offering, I see a side of him most don’t. A father who has given his heart to his little girl in every way. It’s not a bond I understand, because it’s different with boys.

  Jack bounced in front of us, red cheeked and up to no good, one foot on the wooden bleachers, the other in the summer-wilted green grass. His lips were stained red from the snow cone in his hand, his knees dirty and hands just the same.

  Mom smiled down at us, hoping we weren’t upset that she bought him the snow cone. Jack looked up at her, bright eyes so full of love. “Don’t worry, they won’t be mad.” He assured her, looking to his mom next, and then me. “Right?”

  Lily pulled him by the shoulders and covered his freckled cheeks with kisses. “How can we be mad at such a cute boy?”

  “Ma.” He swatted at her, trying to break free since his friends were close by.

  I saw they were close by standing with their dirty knees, trying to look cool, next to the chain link fence. It was hard to believe he was turning seven next month and had friends. Declan and Arden. Kids that looked up to him. Like they were his boys. You could see it in their faces. They’d do anything to be cool like him.

  While Lily put sunscreen on Jacen, and managed to get a little on Jack as well, I watched Casten attempt to lather up Gray.

  Casten’s eyes shine with pride when Gray talked. No matter what the words may be, it didn’t matter because she called him daddy and he melted. You could easily see it, an instant light that never faded between them. When she looked at him, you could see that too, knowing he holds this unspeakable power over her. She loved him with every little piece of her heart. Her adoration is clear. He holds the mantle in her eyes that he can do no wrong; there was no passage of time, only him in her eyes.

  And then she kicked him in the shin for withholding the lollipop, making me laugh.

  JONAH’S TEAM ENDED up losing that game, but it didn’t stop his excitement that I was there—his dad who missed everything from his first steps to his first words, had managed to go to his first game.

  He came running up to me after their base running, dusty-kneed and smiling. “Did you see me hit the ball, Daddy?”

  I caught him in my arms swinging him upside down as he cackled. “I sure did. Looked like a home run to me.”

  We took the kids out for pizza after that and then headed back home.

  “Axel, they miss you,” Lily said on the way home that night, knowing I was leaving first thing in the morning.

  I knew this. She didn’t need to keep pointing it out. It irritated me that she did. As if somehow she was trying to rub it in my face, suggesting I wasn’t a good father. I knew it wasn’t that but I still didn’t like it.

  Lily grew up around racing and she understood the demand it left on families. When we had Jack, I almost thought we would only have one kid. But Lily wanted more.

  So we had Jonah when Jack hadn’t even turned two yet. It changed after we had Jonah. When Jack was little, it was easy to head out of town at any time. Two was still not that bad.

  With three, it was nearly impossible for us to take them on the road. We still did, just not often.

  “I know they do…but what am I supposed to do?” I kept my eyes on the road, almost afraid to look at her.

  “I don’t know.” Lily shrugged, her own eyes deflected as she watched the cars pass by on the highway.

  I heard what she said. It was more than them missing me. She missed me, too.

  I heard all the meaning behind those words. But it didn’t change anything.

  Lily and I talked about this lifestyle before we married. She knew what it would be like. We talked about it again before Jack was born, and Jonah. A good part of me was beginning to wonder if she’d changed her mind. When I was home, I was with them when I could be, being a part of their lives.

  Was that not good enough anymore?

  Axel

  Delaware Start - A start on dirt tracks where the leader starts in the front by himself with no cars on either side. He can choose which lane he wants to use.

  WE HEADED TO SARVER, Pennsylvania the next day, four freightliner diesel haulers lined up outside JAR Racing along with Dad and Rager’s motorhomes. Casten stood to my left, his phone in hand, texting.

  Rager and Lane were against the side of his motorhome, their hoods up and coffee in hand, appearing tired.

  As we talked for a moment, Jack bounced up from
the backseat of my truck, having undone his seatbelt and rolled down the window. “Road trip with the boys!”

  The guys all laughed. When I could, I took Jack with me. He was old enough now that I didn’t have to keep an eye on him every second in fear he’d wander off. Now, he was under our feet the entire time trying to learn. Since being in school, we had to work around that, but as it was summer break, he was my little road warrior.

  Lily was nervous to let him go with me without her, but he’d literally driven her insane until she allowed him come with us. He had no interest in the regular activities of sports or swim lessons.

  He wanted to be around cars.

  Willie and Tommy were fighting over directions, as they usually did, when I saw Dad’s black Ford pulling into the parking lot.

  I looked over at Rager when I saw who was in the truck with them. I knew Arie was going to Lernerville and Summer Nationals. She always did, but I wondered what it was doing for Rager’s mood.

  Jack got out of the truck when he saw my mom and ran to give her a hug. He was a grandma’s boy for sure.

  Arie didn’t get out of the truck. Instead, she sat in there with her phone pressed to her ear. Rager turned, bumped Lane’s shoulder and got inside the motor home without another word.

  Part of me wondered if that was going to be an indication of his mood for the weekend.

  WHEN WE GOT ON the road, Jack immediately wanted to start talking about racing. Just like I always did.

  “Think you can win?”

  I laughed, turning to merge onto Interstate 77. “I sure hope I can, but there are some fast guys at the PA tracks.”

  “Isn’t Lernerville Rager’s home track?”

  “Yep.”

  “What’s your home track?”

  See what I mean? He never stopped talking about racing.

  “They say Grays Harbor is, but when you think about it, I haven’t raced out there all that much. I’ve been to the east coast tracks more.”

  He thought for all of a second, and then smiled. “What’s your favorite track?”

  I laughed. He would fill this entire seven-hour drive with questions, but I didn’t care. It was nice to have him with me. I’d made this trip by myself before, and with various people sitting in that very seat. He was better than most who filled the silence.

  We were in the car a couple hours and Jack sighed. “Daddy, I’m hungry. Can we stop for food?”

  I looked at the clock and saw it was nearing ten that morning. “Bud, we got like another four hours to go. Can you wait at least another hour so we don’t have to stop twice?”

  His shoulders slumped, his hands toying with a die cast sprint car in his hands. “I guess.”

  Reaching inside the center console, I pulled out a granola bar for him and his eyes lit up.

  “Thanks!”

  My kids pretty much lived off granola bars and frozen waffles.

  WE MADE IT ANOTHER hour and I sent Tommy a message letting him know I was stopping for food. The guys decided they’d eat too, but my parents continued on to Sarver.

  Jack had to go to the bathroom, so I took him there before we sat down at the table. Walking into the conversation among the guys halfway through, it became clear they were talking about the days when Tommy and Dad traveled around the summer he turned eighteen and went on his quest to win the USAC Triple Crown title.

  “It came out of nowhere so we tried to hide under the freeway overpass.”

  “Why didn’t—” Willie started and Tommy threw a container of coffee creamer at him.

  “You’ve heard this story already. Stop interrupting me.”

  “Anyway…I must have been thrown at some point because when I came back around, the sky was still rumbling and I was next to a Burger King sign. I don’t remember seeing a damn restaurant in like fifty miles. And I had a cat on my lap.”

  “Where’d the cat come from?”

  Tommy glared at Willie. “Will you let me tell the damn story?”

  Laughter broke out around the table. Over the years, though they rarely got along, Willie and Tommy were best friends.

  We ordered lunch while Jack rambled on about something, when the bets started in. Never failed, someone was always being dared to do something stupid.

  “I’ll give you two hundred dollars if you lick the urinal in the bathroom here,” Tommy suggested when he returned from the bathrooms.

  I saw the bathrooms and this was one bet Willie should back away from.

  Casten gagged. “Don’t do it, Willie. Don’t.”

  It didn’t really matter what anyone said because if someone bet Willie to do something, he would. It was as if he couldn’t back down from a challenge, no matter the cost. Whether it be his pride, or health in some cases, he just didn’t back down.

  He once snorted habanero sauce at a Mexican restaurant in Texas and we had to take him to the ER.

  Still, like I said, he wouldn’t back down.

  Willie, deep in thought, leaned forward so his elbows were rested against the table that seemed to have a thick layer of something sticky on it. He scratched his jaw before asking, “Two hundred?”

  Dave, one of crew members and the guy who cooked most of our meals, tossed a fifty-dollar bill on the table. “Two-fifty.”

  Dave was a bad influence and most believed he was also the reason that Willie was now divorced. I didn’t know the whole story behind what happened, and didn’t necessarily care, but it had something to do with Willie having sex in the shop at JAR Racing with his wife and Dave capturing it on a GoPro and then loading the video on a porn site. It was a mess.

  Casten shook his head, trying to reason with the guys. “Stop provoking him.”

  The idea of Willie licking a urinal was revolting to Casten and he was to the point where I was sure he may puke if Willie went through with it.

  We sat there for another minute when Willie stood, the legs of his wooden chair sliding along the concrete floor making a screeching sound. “Okay. I’ll do it.”

  None of us believed he’d do it. Mostly because despite never backing down, he did talk a lot of shit.

  So we followed him to the bathroom. All of us. Here we were, five guys standing in a six-by-six bathroom, waiting for Willie to lick the urinal with what looked to be, a good amount of urine still in it.

  I noticed Cole had his video camera in hand, pointed directly at Willie. “What are you doing?”

  He looked away from me. “Nothing.”

  Bullshit. That video would be up on YouTube soon.

  “Think about this, man.” Casten grabbed Willie by the shoulders, making him face him. “Men piss in that and God knows what kind of bacteria is in there.”

  I really wasn’t sure if Willie was going to do it but then he got down on his knees in front of the urinal. I got a little grossed out myself and then the guys started cheering him on.

  I peeked a look at my brother, and smiled. He started gagging. If Casten gagged, he was going to puke. Never failed.

  Casten threw open the door to one of the stalls and vomited.

  See? He had a weak stomach.

  When the guys started making fun of him, he kicked the door shut.

  We turned back to Willie hovering over the urinal, taking heavy breaths, like maybe he might puke, too.

  “Just do it!” Dave roused. He then nudged Rager who was standing beside him with his arms crossed over his chest, squinting at Willie. “Think he’s gonna do it?”

  Rager shrugged, never answering, or maybe not really caring.

  Willie looked back at Tommy. “Can someone just walk me through what I’m supposed to do?”

  “What?” Tommy seemed disgusted all of a sudden. Not that he was about to lick a damn urinal in which men pissed, but that he didn’t understand the bet. “Just lick the fuckin’ thing. I don’t care where.”

  With one last heavy breath, preparing himself, Willie leaned forward with his hands on the edge of the urinal, and licked it.

  We all
nearly gagged then.

  It was quick, thankfully, and then Willie stood from his place on the floor and looked nauseous himself. He turned to Cole, knowing damn well he had caught this on video. “You post that on YouTube and I’ll cut your balls off.”

  Like Cole would listen to him.

  JACK ENDED UP FALLING asleep the final few hours it took to get to Sarver. When we got to the track, Dad was eyeing Willie with a disgusted look on his face. “What the fuck is this shit about you licking a urinal?”

  Willie looked at Tommy, the two of them busy unloading equipment in our pits. “You told him?”

  Tommy held up his hands but laughed, walking around the back of my dad’s car. “No.”

  Willie shoved him against the side where he smacked his head on the top wing. “Bullshit.”

  Dad threw his cell phone at Willie. “It’s on YouTube, dumb shit.” And then he turned to Cole. “Take it down. You loaded it under the JAR Racing account.”

  Cole’s eyes got wide and he took off running in the other direction, knowing Willie was about to kick his ass.

  Sometimes, it was a bad idea that a kid like Cole was so good at making videos. Mostly because when it came to uploading them, he wasn’t very smart.

  The gates had opened at the track and the fans started rolling through the pits, each one looking over the cars, asking questions, wanting pictures at times, but we all had a job to do, so it was a mad rush to get the cars ready to go for the night.

  I knew engine heat would be starting soon so I made my way to the bathroom. I noticed Shane at the concession stand searching for ice and moving a little slower than usual. But then again, he had twin one-year-old girls at home. I imagined it was a lot of sleepless nights for him.

  I didn’t see Shane much outside of racing anymore. Mostly because he lived in Indiana with his family, but he’d been my best friend since I was a kid and started racing myself.