Fast Time

by Shey Stahl

  I just couldn’t do that anymore.

  WHEN WE ARRIVED IN Hillsboro around nine, my mom was waiting in the driveway. Dad was still in Florida, more than likely aware of everything that happened between Axel and me last night. I pulled the car up to the driveway right behind her car. She stood in view of the headlights, teary-eyed, her hands cupping her mouth. It wasn’t sadness I saw; it was happiness that we were here.

  I unbuckled Jonah first, then Jacen, and though it was late, they both ran to her. It was a familiar sight seeing her hold them but also wrong. Jack was missing. Usually by now, Mom would have been kissing his cheeks and telling him how adorable he was.

  What I wouldn’t give to do that right now.

  Slowly, I approached them, my bag on my shoulder and clothes for the boys in hand.

  “Welcome home,” Mom whispered, hugging me with one arm, the other carrying Jacen inside. When we were no sooner inside the door, Mom took my hand in hers and gave me a locket. Like one you would carry in your hand as opposed to wearing it. At first I wasn’t sure what the heart-shaped locket meant. Sitting down at the kitchen table, I held the locket in my hand and then slowly opened it. Inside was a picture of Jack taken just days before he’d passed, same bright smile I’ll always remember. Instantly, I was crying as I read the engraving on the other side.

  Love you forever, love you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be.

  He would always be my baby. No matter how far I ran from this feeling, one thing would never change. I would love my son forever.

  I would grieve his death forever.

  Jacen fell asleep on my parents’ couch within a few minutes of us arriving and Jonah was close. Approaching him with his blanket in hand, he looked up at me with sorrow-filled eyes. I hated that he was feeling this way and only five-years-old.

  “I miss Daddy.”

  Axel

  Invert - The portion of the field which is started by reverse qualifying speed. With an invert of five, the fifth-fastest qualifier starts first and the fastest qualifier starts fifth. The rest of the field starts by their qualifying speed (sixth fastest starts sixth).

  LILY WAS GONE the next morning.

  My mind replayed everything that had happened the previous night. I understood her wanting comfort. I get that. I wanted that too and sometimes it was hard to find that with her. It was hard to get that comfort from her because when I looked at her, I saw how sad she was. I didn’t want to make it worse. The last thing I wanted was for her to be sad.

  But she turned to him.

  My best friend.

  Why would she do that to me?

  To us?

  Had I ignored her that much?

  And then my thoughts quickly changed from blaming myself to the glaring obvious. No. She ignored me. She wasn’t going to place this blame on me.

  My stare fell to the bottle in my hand, wishing it would just take the pain away. Only it wouldn’t. Instead my mind wouldn’t stop. My chest burned with the memory of her walking down the aisle, white dress, smile so bright.

  Now what did we have? Something so broken that it couldn’t be fixed.

  Taking in a deep breath, I brought the bottle to my lips then took another drink. The burn down my throat offered nothing. Absolutely nothing. And then I was sorta pissed that the alcohol in my hand wasn’t working as it should. Fucking crap was useless. No wonder I wasn’t a heavy drinker.

  FOR THE ENTIRE DAY, I drank away my pain. It didn’t help. There wasn’t enough whiskey in the world to take away the ache and void I now felt. The guilt I felt over Jack, and now letting Lily walk away, it wasn’t easy.

  I put my trust in her and this was what I got.

  I was going to race. Fuck what she thought right then. So I went to the track Thursday night. I didn’t even look Shane’s way. I knew if I did, I would have hit him.

  The rumors started after that night. They were from me cheating on Lily to even her with my dad. It was bizarre the shit people came up with. It was even more bizarre the shit people believed. My aunts did their best to keep people calm and me away from the media, but it wasn’t easy.

  I slipped once and said, “She did what she did. There’s no answer for it.”

  That started a whole mess of shit. After that I kept my mouth shut around everyone.

  “What’s with you?” Lane asked, watching me screw the cap back on the bottle and shove it inside my bag under my helmet.

  “Nothing.”

  I’ll admit that I was lit before I even headed to the track. Once I arrived, I was a little more lit.

  In fact, I was pretty much barely able to stand.

  If Lily was leaving me, all I had was racing and whiskey. The two suited me just fine because they asked for nothing in return.

  “Your car’s ready to go.” He gave me another look then nodded, knowing I wasn’t up for conversation. I knew my car was here. They brought it down this morning when I called my dad and said I was racing. I had no sponsorships on the car, just an all-black car, much like my mood. Black. Tainted. Tarnished.

  Dad caught me as I walked out of the hauler. “You’re drunk.”

  I wasn’t going to say anything because one word and he’d know. I wanted to punch him in the mouth for the look he gave me. I didn’t care then that he was my dad. I didn’t want to be judged right then.

  He stared me down.

  I cracked under the pressure of those eyes that seemed to weigh on me like a thousand pounds. “No.”

  “Yes, you are.” Shaking his head he gestured toward my car with a lift of his chin. “You’re not getting in that car like this.”

  That pissed me off. My eyes darkened as anger spread throughout. It wasn’t an anger like before. Now it was almost rage that someone was going to tell me what I could or couldn’t do. “Says who?”

  “Me. I own that car and I say you’re not.”

  I threw my helmet at him and then held my palms up walking away.

  When I looked back at him after retrieving the bottle from my bag, he was ready to kick my ass. I knew it.

  Bypassing everyone, I took my bottle and headed toward the pit stands.

  The longer I sat there, the angrier I became at everything. Arie approached me as I was walking away. I made it as far as Rager’s hauler and she was standing there trying to take the bottle from me. “If Jerry see’s you with that in the pits, he’ll suspend you.”

  “Shut up,” I told her, moving around her. She grabbed my arm and made me stay.

  Arie opened her eyes, narrowing them as she looked at me. “Stop being a dick and think. Just go back to the hotel and take the night off.”

  “I don’t need your goddamn advice, Arie,” I drew out with distinct mockery. “You’re married. Had you forgotten that? I haven’t. He hasn’t.” I gestured to Rager just a few feet away. “But yet here you are hanging around a dirt track every night because you can’t make up your fucking mind on who you want, your husband or Rager’s dick.” Scrubbing my hands over my face, I tried to bring myself back to reality but it wasn’t happening. “Stop fucking with his head.” I pointed at Rager sitting in the chair beside his car, who glared at me, willing me to shut my fucking mouth. “Don’t make him believe there’s something when there’s nothing!”

  Arie’s face paled, her features contorted in shock. “No, you don’t get to call me a slut or judge me, Axel,” she seethed with mounting anger. “You have no idea what it’s like to be with somebody and love them, but have someone else hold your heart captive in the palm of their hands!” And then she shoved me back into the side of the hauler and I nearly dropped the bottle in my hand. “You’re an asshole.”

  A word of advice…don’t get on my sisters bad side.

  Rager stood from the chair, his hands shoved in his pockets, his shoulders hunched forward. “I’m not going to get in the middle of this.” His tone remained relatively civil, despite his distaste for what I had said. “Don’t talk to her like that.” His blue eyes blazed as
he turned away.

  I took everything I had been feeling out on Arie, just like I had done with Casten that day…and it wasn’t fair. But it still didn’t stop me.

  “HEY, ARE YOU AXEL Riley?” A girl to my left asked, soft spoken and red faced. I turned my head to look at her and her friend beside her. They looked young, maybe nineteen at that, tight shorts and revealing clothes. The sun had done a number on them today, blonde hair pulled back under trucker hats that sported JAR Racing. I recognized the design. It was the hat my sister had designed.

  “Yeah, so?” I kicked my legs up on the wooden bench in front of me and leaned back on the other one, letting the bottle in my hands hang there.

  “Shouldn’t you be out there?” There was a bend in her smile I found endearing. Or maybe a reminder of a girl who used to hold my heart in the palm of her hands. Now it was at her feet covered in the darkness she’s given me.

  “Probably.” Bringing the bottle to my lips, I took a drink. “But I’m not.”

  She didn’t say anything as I once again, took another drink.

  “Want some?” I offered the bottle her way, my bloody knuckles wrapped around the longneck.

  The way she looked at me let me know she wanted some all right, and not from the bottle.

  We ended up back at my hauler after the main race and inside the hauler. It’d been three months since Lily and I slept together, and I was more than willing to change that now. If she could fuck around, well then so could I.

  I was up for anything.

  Back to the hauler I had my hand down that girls pants while her hand was down the front of my jeans as we kissed, the other one working on my belt.

  Within minutes, there was a knock on the door.

  “Go away!” I growled, never moving my mouth from hers. In an act of frustration, I pushed the girl against the one open wall and began working on getting her shirt off.

  “Who is that?” Her eyes were wide, hesitation in her movements.

  “Who cares?” I kissed my way down her right shoulder to her breast. She was smaller than Lily and it threw me a little. Deep down my brain was telling me this was wrong and this girl was more than likely too young.

  Only whoever was at the door, wasn’t leaving. In fact, he opened the door and I was staring at my dad.

  He looked at the girl, and then at me, shaking his head in disappointment.

  “GET OUT!” I hollered back at him, my nerves unraveling.

  Dad scowled and then looked at the girl. “You need to leave.”

  How dare he try to tell me what I could do or who I could fuck.

  The liquid haze sent my nerves sailing, remembering burning lies that swam circles around me. I tried to go after the girl but my dad stepped in front of me.

  “MOVE!” I screamed with rage, my fists clenching as another rush of anger moved through me.

  “I won’t move until you calm down.”

  My chest heaved up and down, struggling to gain control. I picked up the shock on the counter and hurled it at the wall. It crashed with a sharp bang bouncing off the metal walls. “You have no idea what I’m going through.” I shoved him backwards.

  His eyes seemed dark, fixed on mine. I was ready to hit him. I was. Here we were, a father and son holding a stare. Neither one of us was going to back down.

  “Hit me, Axel.” Hardened eyes didn’t let go. Ordinarily, I was nothing like my father when it came to his legendary brash temper. I was more silent, but I guessed I had finally been pushed over the edge. “Do it. If you think that’s the answer, go ahead and hit me.”

  So I did.

  I reacted and swung. How dare he stop me and try to make me see any rational thoughts. Fuck him. So I hit my dad in the face, much like I did my brother a few months back.

  Dad’s head turned with the hit, and when he looked at me, his eyes were so cold and unrecognizable I felt like he was mirroring my heart.

  “That’s your one shot, kid.” His voice was rougher than usual, as if he was struggling not to just kick the shit out of his own son for reacting this way.

  Immediately, I realized what I had done and fell to my knees. It was hard being vulnerable when all I did is put myself out there. I never wanted to be weak. And now I was.

  It took a minute or two for me to realize my dad stood before me.

  “Come on, let’s go have a beer and calm down.”

  I didn’t answer him. I couldn’t.

  “YOU ALMOST GOT IN a car, drunk. You could have killed yourself.”

  “Maybe I wanted to.”

  Dad sighed, and for a moment, he studied me intently. “Don’t say that.”

  “It’s how I feel.”

  We sat in silence for a while at the bar, drinking, well, he was having a beer while I was having water. We sat in silence longer than I would have thought he wanted to. I think he knew that nothing he could have said to me right then was going to make a goddamn bit of difference but still, he was there for me like any dad would be.

  Even after I’d punched him.

  I looked over at him and the redness of his jaw. “Sorry.”

  He smiled, raising his beer to take a drink. “Like I said, that was your one shot. You hit me again and I’ll teach you thing or two about a left hook.”

  I nodded. I didn’t doubt him one bit. My thoughts went to Shane again, and Lily, and how badly this hurt. I understood her pain. I did. Losing Jack changed everything but the fact that she let Shane in and not me didn’t sit well.

  “What would you do?” I asked, staring at the beer in my hands.

  “What?”

  “If mom cheated on you?”

  It wasn’t something I would have ever asked my dad, had I not been drinking all day.

  “I… uh… honestly, buddy, the longer you’re married, the harder that question is to answer.”

  “Why?”

  His expression took on a faraway look and I had no doubt right then he was imagining himself in my shoes.

  “Like say, Justin… or even Tyler, or Cody, slept with Mom.”

  That got him. His body tensed with my words. Without any words, he gave a nod, bringing the beer in his hand to his lips. He hesitated before it reached his lips and then took a long pull from the longneck.

  When he rested the glass bottle on the bar, he didn’t look at me as he spoke. Instead, his eyes were focused on the bottles behind the bar, the color drained from his face. “I wouldn’t do anything.”

  Shock took the words from me for a moment. “You wouldn’t?”

  “No. I love your mother with all my heart and one lapse in judgment, or infidelity, wouldn’t change that for me.”

  “What if she…continued it?”

  For a second, his thoughts were dull and disquieting. “Well, I’m not sharing her so she’d have to make up her mind. Him or me.”

  “What about the guy? What would you do?”

  “What guy?”

  “The guy she was with.”

  “Oh, well, he’d be dead.” I was impressed with the obvious confidence he held as he spoke. “There’d be no continuing it.”

  “So I should kill my best friend?” I laughed. “Great advice, Dad.”

  “I didn’t say you should. And I can’t say I’d honestly kill Justin or Tyler, or even Cody. Tommy? Maybe.” He laughed. “Just kidding. But really, Axel, Shane has been your boy for years. Talk to him. I know it’s hard but maybe it’ll be worth it.”

  “Would you?”

  “I would because I would want to know why my friendship with them meant so little they thought they could take what was mine.”

  Dad had years of experience that I didn’t, and though at that very moment, I didn’t want to hear what he was saying, or was suggesting, he was the only man I looked up to. It was certainly going to take some convincing though.

  If anyone could have persuaded me to talk to Shane, it was him.

  “You were right. A part of me did die that day.”

  “And you have every
right to feel that way,” Dad agreed. “I think part of all of us died that day. You’ve been through a lot. You have every right to be angry. I don’t know what’s happened between you and your brother, or your sister, but you need to stop taking your anger out on them. They’re just trying to be there for you, and had this happened to them, I’m sure you would have done the same.”

  Well, he had a point there, didn’t he?

  UNSURE OF WHAT I would be met with, I flew home to Mooresville Saturday morning to see that Lily had served me papers. Separation papers. She’d filed for legal separation in two days. Two fucking days.

  She hadn’t wasted any time.

  Not knowing what else to do, I wadded up the papers, tossed them in the trash and went to the shop knowing my dad would be there, probably unloading equipment from Florida.

  When I got there, Dad’s brow scrunched. “Hey, bud.” He was hesitant, waiting to see what I was going to say next. Lately, I had been all over the place with my mood. He was probably trying to judge whether I was going to yell, cry, or try to punch someone again.

  “Can we get sponsorship for this season?” I didn’t waste any time.

  He gave a nod, his arm raised, blocking the sun coming in through the open bay doors. “I’m sure Donco would be willing to work something out.”

  “Let’s do it then.”

  “What about Lily?” His voice was deep-timbered, drawing my eyes to his.

  I struggled to maintain an even, conciliatory tone. “She filed for legal separation.”

  “Oh…”

  I left the shop before he could respond and sat in my truck staring out the windshield. I still didn’t have any answers, so I called Lily to see if she would even answer.

  Surprisingly, she did.

  “So that’s it.” I asked immediately. “You’re done?”

  Again, I wasn’t wasting any time.

  “Admit it, Axel. You were done a long time ago.” The insolence in her voice was present and damn if it didn’t set me off.