by C. A. Harms
Colt lowered me to the ground and chuckled. “I think we shocked her stupid, Jake.”
Jake smiled in return and took a step into the house. “Didn’t Momma tell ya we were coming?” I only shook my head and stepped aside so they could enter. “Figures,” he chuckled.
“What are you guys doing here? Not that I ain’t happy to see ya, but you do have to admit it’s not common for you two just to stop by.” I walked toward the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge.
“We, um, well, we were in Savannah handling some business and we thought it was time for a visit.” Colt tried to appear nonchalant, but I could tell he was leaving something out.
“Cough it up, Colt; you can’t hide shit. You’re a terrible liar.” I leaned back against the countertop and crossed my arms over my chest. “What’s going on?”
Colt started to answer me, but Jake held out his hand to stop him. “I think it’s best if we wait for Momma to get home.”
“Bullshit, this is my home too. I deserve to know what y’all are hiding,” I said.
Jake watched me closely as Colt just looked back and forth between the two of us. He seemed nervous as we glared at one another. Jake and I were having a stand-off that was only broken by the sound of the front door coming open.
“Oh my god, get yourselves over here and give me some lovin’, boys.” I had to give it to my two youngest brothers; even after my daddy walked away, they always made sure my momma had the money to survive. Yeah, they did it all behind my asshole of a father’s back, but they did it. They provided for my momma even when she insisted she didn’t want their money.
Watching her hug the both of them as tears fell down her cheeks only caused my own to surface. She was a woman who held no grudges, and she loved deeply. Hell, she has even forgiven my father for being the sorry bastard that he was. I refuse to let go of the fact that he deserted us. What kind of man walks away from his wife and daughter when he decides he has had enough? No man in my book would ever be that heartless.
When my momma saw me standing there staring at the three of them, she smiled gently. “Well, by the looks of Maria, I would say there’s some explaining needed.”
“I’m thinking somebody better start explaining what’s going on. These two wouldn’t show up for no reason.” The last time I’d seen Colt was last Christmas, for just a few hours as he was passing through. It had been even longer with Jake; for some reason, he and I had a hard time seeing eye to eye.
I watched the three of them walk into the living room and take their seats as they motioned for me to join them. I leaned against the arm of the couch and remained silent.
After a few moments, Jake spoke. “We came to try to convince you to go back to Montana with us.”
I stood up quickly and looked at him like he had lost his mind. “And why the hell would I do that?”
“Maria, just listen, please. Give them a chance to explain.” My momma insisted.
Jake ran his hand over his face, frustrated at my obvious resistance. He had a very hard time maintaining his cool when he got pissed off. I didn’t give a shit, because there was no way in hell I was going back with them.
Colt cleared his throat and moved forward to the edge of the chair cushion. I have always felt a sense of closeness with Colt. Out of all my brothers, he is the one I have that sibling connection with.
He cleared his throat. “Mar, he’s dying.”
I swallowed hard and looked at all their faces. I could feel the emotion boiling within me. I continuously blinked to fight back the tears that were trying to spill over. I wouldn’t allow myself to feel anything for that man. He didn’t deserve anything from me.
I shrugged my shoulders. “What do you want me to do about it?”
Jake stood up and snarled, “He is your father, Maria.”
“No, he’s not, because a father wouldn’t run away with his tail tucked between his legs when times got tough. He wouldn’t turn his back on a daughter who deserved a father. That man is not my dad.” The overwhelming sensation to cry was taking me over. Fisting my hands at my sides, I tried to even out my breathing.
“Please listen to us,” Colt spoke once again. “He has so many regrets. He’s stubborn, though, and you know he hides behind that stubbornness.”
Colt stood up and took a step toward me. “He doesn’t have much time left. They’ve done everything they could, but he’s done fighting it. He told us not to say anything, just to let him be. He said he doesn’t deserve forgiveness, but we can’t allow him to hide behind the guilt of what he has done. He has reached the end, sis.”
I don’t know why hearing that my father was dying hurt so much. It’s not like I ever had a relationship with him. It’s not like he ever cared about me. I spent my life wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him to stick around.
“I’m not going,” I declared, shrugging my shoulders. Turning quickly without allowing any of them to respond, I turned toward the hallway.
I took the stairs two at a time as I raced toward my room before the tears fell. Once I was inside and had locked the door, I let my back rest against it. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks as I pictured my father from all those years ago. I had created this image of him in my head. A dark, angry man with no sympathy for weakness.
Now all I could picture was a frail, weak form of the man I had grown to hate over the years, and it pissed me off that I felt like I owed him closure. I didn’t want to feel anything for him but the hate I had felt for the last twenty-one years of my life.
How would I let go of all the hurt and anger in me? How could I forget the struggles my momma and I had gone through…or the nights we both cried ourselves to sleep?
I’ve watched my momma struggle to keep her head above water on a daily basis. But we made it through and are stronger for it. We learned to rely on one another and let go of the man we both had hoped would return and make things right.
He never looked back, and the hate grew daily.
Chapter Five
“Acute Myeloid Leukemia,” I said, as I looked down at the cup of coffee in my hands. “He, um, he went through treatment last year. It went well apparently, because he was in remission.” I looked up at Kori from across the table. “Now I guess it’s back with a vengeance, and the treatments aren’t doing much for him. He has decided to um…” I took in a shuddering breath. “He’s not going forward with any other treatments. He has chosen to let go of life and say goodbye.”
Kori stood up and walked around the table, taking me into her arms. I wiped away the tears that had run down my cheeks. “I don’t even know why I’m crying for that man.”
“Because regardless of what he did, he’s still your dad. You don’t have to be tough all the time; you know that. It’s okay to cave and lean on someone for a change.” She stepped back and cupped my cheeks with her hands. “Maria, you are a compassionate, loving person. I know how your father’s leaving all those years ago has affected you. You don’t think you deserve anything good, but you are so damn wrong. You deserve the kind of happiness that leaves you feeling like you’re floating. Like nothing in the world could hurt, because the happiness you feel is too strong.”
I stared back at her, as my throat burned from the intense feelings inside of me. “You need closure just as much, if not more, than he does. If you don’t take this trip, you’ll regret it later. I know you, and I know there are things you need to say, things you need to hear. It’s time to go say goodbye and let go of all the things that hold you back when it comes to your father.”
That was all it took for the tears to spill over. Damn him for making me feel anything for him.
***
The trip to Montana was uncomfortable. I had to miss out on the last two weeks of school. They called in a substitute to finish out the year.
I shut down and curled into myself, as I dreaded seeing him again. I had no idea what to expect. I didn’t even know what I would say.
What would he sa
y?
When we pulled up to the rundown property with the shutters weathered and worn, I was shocked. I had pictured him living in luxury. I figured he’d have sprawling land with a big old beautiful home, but not this. It almost looked deserted, with tall grass and weeds growing along the garage. There was a rundown old truck I remembered as the one my dad used to drive when I was a toddler. Some of the pictures my momma still had of him showed that very same truck. Now it was deserted and rusted.
My eyes immediately connected with Jake’s in confusion. “Everything’s not what it seemed, Mar. He lost the Custom woodworking business; he lost everything. All the tools, saws and equipment—it’s all gone.” I was dumbfounded and confused as hell.
My brothers climbed from the truck and grabbed my momma’s hand to help her down. I followed behind, as all three of them walked toward the front door. With each step my chest grew tighter.
I stood on the front porch even after they had all entered the house. I was suddenly terrified of what I might see once I entered. It was as if my feet were so heavy I couldn’t lift them.
Randall stepped out onto the front porch and I blinked up at him. He looked just like the pictures Momma had from when Daddy was younger. He was handsome.
“Hey, little bean,” he whispered cautiously.
The emotions overtook me. It was hopeless to attempt to stop them. Randall took me into his arms and pulled me against his chest. I cried into his shirt, gripping it tightly in my fisted hands.
The boys had told Momma and me on the way that they had brought hospice in a couple of days ago. I knew things were bad, but I was still finding it hard to see him face to face. I wasn’t sure now that I could follow through with it.
“I don’t know if I can go in there,” I said against Randall’s chest.
“You can.” He pushed back and forced me to look up at him. His eyes held a warmth in them that seemed to calm me. “You’re a Thompson,” he winked. “You got this, Maria. I know you can do it.”
I was not close to my oldest brother, not in the least, but I couldn’t have done this without his push. I took in a deep breath as he nudged me through the doorway.
I slowly scanned the house and its contents. Everything looked so old and worn out. The furniture had to have been as old as I am. Torn and faded. The hardwood floor and walls held the same aged look as the exterior.
Standing in silence, my chest constricted when I heard a raspy whisper. “Maria.”
Squeezing my eyes tightly, I gave myself a mental pep talk before turning to face the man who I had spent my entire life hating. The frail man lying in a hospital bed in the center of the bedroom, just off the living room, was not the man I had pictured. He had sunken eyes and dark spots covering his skin, and it was shattering to find him in this form.
He motioned with his hand for me to come closer, and I swallowed past the emotions. I took a step into the room and found my brother Billy sitting at the foot of my father’s bed. He was holding in his arms a young boy who I immediately pinned to be his son, because they were so similar. It was so strange to discover I had a nephew I didn’t even know existed. I forced a smile, and he nodded his head.
“You look just like your momma,” my father whispered, causing me to turn my gaze back to meet his. His eyes appeared glossy and saddened. “Such a beautiful girl.”
I couldn’t speak, because my throat felt like it was on fire. I stared back at him, mirroring his sadness. For so many different reasons, I felt lost. I had been cheated out of life with him, and now I had to choke back all the hate I had for him. I had to hold in all the harsh words I wanted to scream at him. I had to make peace while there was still a chance.
Billy stood from his chair and pushed it to the side of the bed. “We’re going to step out, let you two talk,” he said. I could only nod my head. He closed the door behind him, and I immediately felt panic seep into my chest.
“Take a seat, girl. I think I have things to say you may want to hear.” His voice was so weak, as if it pained him to speak. I listened as I sat down and worried my lower lip, trying to hide the fact that it was trembling.
After a few silent, uncomfortable moments he spoke. “You and your momma did nothing to make me leave. That was on all on me. I got in some gambling trouble and began drinking heavy. When you were born, I’ll admit it drove me further away.” I looked up at him. “Not for the reasons you’re thinking. I knew that I was in over my head. I was on the verge of losing everything, and I didn’t want to take your momma down with me. With another child to feed, I lost it. I ran and I lost it. I drowned myself out for years. I ran from my problems and hid them well from your brothers.”
He took a deep breath and shook his head. “I’m a selfish bastard. I used your brothers to make me money so I could feed my addictions. In the end, I’ll lose it all anyway. I spent years making the boys feel guilty, like they caused it somehow. It’s all on me, Maria, and it took being on my death bed for me to own up to it.” A tear escaped and ran over his cheek, dripping onto the pillow beneath him. “You deserved better than the man I was.”
“Deserved better? Are you saying that disappearing out of my life and taking my brothers with you was best for me? I’ve spent my entire life thinking you ran because you didn’t want me. I have tried to find acceptance in all the wrong places and have forced myself to believe it was all I deserved.” I was doing everything I could not to get angry.
“I’m sorry, baby girl. I am so sorry I did you and your momma wrong. I know that don’t change anything but I am sorry. You both deserved so much better than I ever gave you. All of you deserved better, even the boys. I split our family apart when I should have fought like hell to hold it together.” There was a light knock on the door just before it came open.
My momma was standing in the doorway, looking on with unshed tears. “Your nurse is here.” My father nodded, and momma pushed the door open a little more. A middle-aged woman entered the room, and I excused myself to get some air.
I walked outside and found a tree stump just beside the rundown garage, at the side of the house.
Taking a seat, I pulled my phone from my back pocket. Looking at the screen, I noticed I had three missed phone calls from Gavin. My heart ached even more, seeing his name on my screen. Opening up his profile, I ran my finger over his photo with that sweet smile I captured on one of our good days together. My throat burned, because all I wanted to do was cry.
I didn’t have the strength to call him back at that moment. I was sure that hearing his voice would push me over the top and crumble away what was left of my aching heart.
Instead I called Kori, because I really needed her. I needed someone who would let me cave and fall apart without judgment.
I had to get it all out—everything inside that felt like it was tearing me up. In the end, I knew I could count on her to pick me back up and give me the strength to move forward. She always seemed to know what I needed to hear. She didn’t sugar coat and say what I wanted to hear. She told me exactly what I needed to hear.
Kori was sometimes the biggest pain in my ass, but mostly she was the person who reminded me that I was strong. She helped me face reality and knew that, in the end, I could get through anything.
Kori is one of the strongest people I knew. My soul was in desperate need of a push I knew Kori was capable of giving me.
Chapter Six
We’ve spent the last four days with my father. With each day, he became weaker and more disconnected. It broke my heart to watch my father slowly let go. We all sat at his bedside until he took his last breath.
An unexpected sob escaped me when the flat line stretched out over the monitor. I cried for the years I had lost. I cried onto my brother, Colt’s shoulder as he held me tightly. I would never get the image of my daddy, lying helpless, out of my mind.
The funeral was a small service with a few of my father’s friends and his family. He was now at peace, and I hoped that my last conversation with him had g
iven him peace as well.
“I’m sorry I failed you, Maria. it is one of my biggest regrets.”
I squeezed his hand gently. “I forgive you, Daddy. I need you to know that I forgive you.” His eyes pinched together tightly as his jaw trembled. He nodded his head lightly, and then he took a shuddering breath.
The silence of the room was calming, as I continued to hold my father’s hand while he slept. I sat watching him and listening to his unsteady, strained breaths.
I let go of my anger toward my father that day. I needed to let go of the hurt and move on. It was time for me to stop blaming him for all my wrongs. I needed to own up to the mistakes I had made in my life.
I sat beside him until he took his last breath—an image I would never be able to let go of, one that would forever sit heavy on my heart.
My brothers, Colt and Jake, would be taking care of the house and all my dad’s belongings. There really was nothing worth any value. Colt actually planned to move back to Georgia once everything was done. He said there was nothing left here for him. Jake was moving on as well, but he is more independent. It would be nice to have Colt around for a change.
It was time to get back to Georgia myself. Kori’s wedding was less than two weeks away, and there were still things to do. I was in need of something new to focus on. For the last week, I have felt so groggy and tired. The stress was really getting to me.
When I turned onto our road, my heart rate sped up. Gavin’s truck parked out in the street, in front of our house, was unexpected. I pulled into the driveway and grabbed for my bag. “Who is that?” my momma asked.
“Just a friend, Momma.” I didn’t offer any more explanation. Because if I were being truthful, I really didn’t know exactly how to explain who Gavin truly was.
