Forever Is Over

by Wade, Calvin

“He’s got cancer, Kelly. Richie’s got cancer.”

  Jemma

  As a couple, when you meet new friends in life, at some point, they want to know how you came together as a couple. With Richie and I, the questions tended to follow the same path. “How did you meet?”

  Followed by,

  “When did you get together as a couple then?” Then finally,

  “If there was such a long gap between when you met and when you finally got it together, when was it that you first realised that you had feelings for each other?”

  This is an interesting one as our answers were always different! I don’t mean the answers we gave were always different (although admittedly Richie did vary his answer a bit!) but we definitely recognised our feelings for each other at a different point in time. For me, the day I discovered Richie had testicular cancer was the day I realised that I had some sort of feelings for him. I didn’t fully understand what those feelings were, I just understood how I was feeling was not how I should be feeling about my sister’s boyfriend.

  When we were at school, it was undeniable that Richie was a good looking lad, but he was always outside my age radar. I was always after lads two years older to five years older, so Richie Billingham did not overly interest me. I thought he was too young for me and too old for my little sister. I chose to ignore the fact that he was less than eighteen months older than Kelly! Using my own criteria, Richie was actually too young for Kelly!

  As they became a couple, I grew to know Richie better and grew to like him. My initial doubts about him were down to “The Phantom Fucker” incident at the Birch’s party, but putting that to one side, there was no doubting that he adored Kelly. As my feelings for my own boyfriend, Ray, began to ease, I developed a thought process of ,

  “Why could I not have a boyfriend like Richie?” which eventually became,

  “Why could I not have Richie?”

  On the weekend of Vomit Breath’s death, Ray and Richie went to an Everton football match together. It turned out also to be the day of the Hillsborough disaster. Ray was not someone who was overly sporty, nor was he someone with any real social circle, outside of work, he was not a good mixer other than with older women, as he had grown accustomed to them from working in a bank. To compensate for these social inadequacies, from all accounts, he really tried to sell himself to Richie by talking about himself and exaggerating his sporting prowess. This was forgivable, I could totally understand why he would do this, but the fact that he then went on to say something abhorrent about the victims of the Hillsborough was indefensible. I imagine he did it to try to look tough in front of someone he was trying to impress, but all the same it was indefensible.

  Once Richie told me about Ray’s idiotic Hillsborough comments and his subsequent reaction to being kissed by him, I could only see Ray as an egotistical, homophobic idiot. On the other hand, the fact that Richie had reacted to Ray’s comments by grabbing hold of him, pinning him down and kissing him, I thought showed a strength of character that was excitingly individual. During those moments that Richie and I talked in Coronation Park, I knew my time with Ray and as a knock on effect, my time at the Middlelands Bank, was over. Ninety minutes after Kelly ended Richie’s testicular cancer confession by turning up unannounced and then running off, I had managed to finish with Ray and hand my notice in at work. Ray had flown off the handle when I had returned to the branch following my two hour lunch break and as I was not in the right frame of mind for an argument, I just told him what to do with our relationship and the stupid job! My arrogance did not serve me well! I did not have another job after that for more than two years and never had the opportunity to work in a bank again! It wasn’t just down to a row with Ray though!

  For a young woman, an escape route from a relationship is an important thing. If your relationship is on its knees, it is always good to know what Plan B is. A few times during that long conversation at Coronation Park, especially when I felt compelled to hug him or cradle him and kiss his salty tears, Richie seemed like the ideal candidate to be Plan B. It was only really when I mentioned Kelly’s name, that I came to my senses and dismissed this notion as the thoughts of a moron. The way Richie spoke, you could just tell he was smitten by Kelly. I also reflected on what Kelly had done for me, she had probably saved my life the night Vomit Breath died and I was repaying her by having romantic thoughts about her boyfriend. I concluded this was all wrong and attempted to redeem myself by going out on a limb for Kelly, by drumming home to Richie that he should tell Kelly about his illness.

  I was doing a great job convincing myself that I was acting solely in my sister’s interests, until Richie broke down in tears for the second time that day. When I comforted him, I just could not help myself appreciating that Richie had a warmth to his soul that Ray would never have. The fact that Richie was bloody gorgeous and Ray was bloody ugly was also a factor, even Vomit Breath had noticed that one, but the main thing that struck me was how passionately I felt about caring for this man. I wanted to take this journey with him. I wanted to be his shoulder to cry on. I wanted to be his confidant, to hold his hand in times of joy and times of trouble. I wanted to mean everything to Richie and for Richie to mean everything to me. All this was running through my brain when Kelly showed up and I expect I had guilt written all over my face.

  The moment Kelly found Richie and I together was still a debating point between the two of us fifteen years later! In my opinion, if Richie had no feelings for me at that moment, he would have just blurted out,

  “Kelly, I’ve got cancer!” and Kelly would have immediately forgotten about the suspicious clinch she had found us in. He didn’t though. He said nothing. Nothing about his cancer anyway. He just froze on the spot. In my opinion, although Richie puts a different slant on it, this was because he knew, deep down in his soul that he felt something for me. Richie argued that he was only aware of those feelings much, much later although he does confess that he was physically attracted to me from the day he started secondary school (he just thought I was a bit of a bitch)! Choose to believe him if you like, but if you do, he’s conning you!

  For my part, I think I did what I genuinely felt was the right thing to do. I tried to encourage Richie to tell Kelly about his cancer. When he stalled though and Kelly ran off, there was a moment when I was going to stop her by shouting that Richie had cancer. Just as I was about to shout, I stopped myself and just said the words, out of Kelly’s earshot. I was unsure how to interpret the events of the afternoon. By not telling Kelly about his cancer, but telling me, was there something between us? Some sort of chemistry? I wasn’t sure, but if Richie had avoided telling Kelly, why should I win her back on his behalf? Maybe he wanted to lose her.

  They say true love never runs smooth. It certainly didn’t for Richie. Within a few hours of discovering he had testicular cancer, his girlfriend had fled to Amsterdam and within a few days, there was an even more dramatic development, his future wife was arrested for the suspected murder of her mother.

  Kelly

  Despite everything I had to ring him. Twenty four hours into my time in the Netherlands, I could not help myself phoning Richie. I was a sixteen year old girl who had never been abroad before and my first experience of a foreign country followed on from my mother’s death at my own hands and my boyfriend cheating on me with my sister. Not exactly the perfect ingredients for a relaxing trip away!

  The first night, I had stopped in a Youth Hostel in the city centre called the Hostel Orfeo, but the lady at reception pointed out as soon as I checked in, that they only had a bed for one night. They were fully booked throughout the weekend. I slept well that first night as I was shattered after a traumatic day, but the following morning, on checking out, they should have given me a donkey and a bearded man called Joseph to accompany me around the city, as every bed and breakfast and every hostel was fully booked. I decided to visit Anne Frank house as I had read her diary when I was thirteen and whilst in the queue for the museum, I befriende
d two American girls, Lauren and Madison, who were eighteen. They were heading over to Rotterdam on the four o’clock train, as they could not find vacant accommodation for love nor money either, so I decided to head across with them. There was something about Rotterdam that really appealed to me, it did not have all the canals running through it like Amsterdam, but as soon as you come out of the Rotterdam’s Centraal station, there is a buzz about the city which I found infectious. The Youth Hostel was pleasant too and I even had a few beers with Lauren and Madison from the bar, all three of us excited by the fact that we were deemed old enough to be served. I did not want to be sharing adventures with two girls from Boston though, I wanted to be sharing adventures with Richie and emboldened by alcohol, I decided to use my remaining guilders that I had allocated for the day, to phone him. Given that I had bought three beers for the two girls and I, there was not a huge amount of coinage left in my pocket but a quick conversation was definitely better than no conversation at all.

  As I was feeling a little tipsy, I was determined to get to the bottom of exactly what was going on between Richie and Jemma. I had spent all my alone time up until I reached Anne Frank house trying to figure it all out in my head and the urge to solve the mystery had come back to me now. There was just no way Richie and Jemma could have been an item before Mum died, as Richie had spent every second with me, but perhaps something had gone on subsequently. The more I thought about it though, the less likely that seemed. When I thought back to the evenings over the last few weeks when Richie had opted not to see me, I had spent the bulk of them with Jemma, so he had not been making excuses to enable him to see her, that logic just did not stack up at all. So why had they been together in Coronation Park? I had to find out. Richie’s Mum answered the phone.

  “Hello Dot. Is Richie there, please?”

  “Kelly, is that you? Are you OK, dear? My goodness we’ve been worried about you! He’s been so upset, my love, so upset. Do you want to speak to him?”

  Had I not just said that!

  “Yes please, Dot!”

  Dot’s high pitched shout almost made by ears bleed!

  “Richie! Kelly’s on the phone!”

  Richie must have run down the stairs at full pelt, as, after a few seconds of silence, he arrived at the phone breathlessly, either that or his Mum had interrupted him mid-bonk with my sister! I gave Richie the benefit of the doubt this time and presumed it was the former. As well as being breathless, Richie sounded confused and annoyed,

  “Kelly! Where the hell are you?”

  “I’m in Rotterdam.”

  There was a shocked pause.

  “Why?”

  “I had to go, Richie.”

  “To Rotterdam? Why?”

  “No, I just had to go from Ormskirk. From England. Believe me, Richie, I just had to go.”

  “Because Jemma and I were together? Jemma told me you probably thought something had gone on between us, but it hadn’t Kelly, I swear it hadn’t.”

  It felt like we had come full circle. Here we were again, Richie pleading with me to believe that nothing had gone on between him and my sister.

  “Something was going on, Richie. I watched the pair of you for a while, it all looked very intimate.”

  “I was upset.”

  This annoyed me.

  “Richie, this is the bit I don’t get. Why would Jemma be hugging you if you were upset? Hugging one of your sisters or your Mum, that would make sense, but why Jemma? You don’t even like each other!”

  “I don’t dislike her.”

  I was still annoyed. More so now.

  “I know that NOW, Richie. I saw that for myself yesterday! Before yesterday though, you had always said to me that you didn’t like her, you said she was annoying.”

  “Kelly, I literally bumped into Jemma in Ormskirk. Knocked the baked potato out of her hand….”

  “And you’re telling me that’s why you were upset! You must think I was born yesterday!”

  “No that’s not what I said, Kelly. I bumped into Jemma because I was upset, I wasn’t upset because I bumped into her. I was upset and Jemma was a shoulder to cry on. Literally, a shoulder to cry on.”

  “Well, what were you upset about?”

  There was another uncomfortable pause before Richie answered.

  “Come back, Kelly. I need to tell you this face to face. I don’t want to tell you over the phone.”

  If you can imagine a garden at this point. A garden with two trees in it. One with thirty cats in, the other cat free. If I was a dog, I would now be jumping up at the catless tree barking.

  “You’ve shopped me in, haven’t you?”

  Richie did not have a clue what I was talking about.

  “Pardon?”

  “To the police. It all makes sense now. You’ve told the police what I did, haven’t you?”

  “Kelly, why would I do that?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe you thought you could get into trouble for not telling them what you knew. That you could be charged with withholding information. That’s why the police were round at the McGordons and that’s why you were crying to Jemma, because you shopped me in. That’s why I’ve come away, Richie, not because of things going on between you and Jemma, but because the police are after me, Richie and now I understand why.”

  I was talking hurriedly. I always talked quickly when I was nervous or excitable. At this point, I was both.

  “Kelly, slow down. I did not speak to the police about you. I love you, I would never do that, I promise you, I would never do that. Never.”

  Richie was either telling the truth or he was a bloody good liar.

  “Promise?”

  “Kelly, I just did but I swear on my mother’s life, I would not tell the police about your Mum and what happened to her.”

  I could tell he was being guarded in case his Mum was earwigging. She had a tendency to do that, Dot, I had seen her do it to Richie’s sister, when she’d been on the phone. I believed him.

  “OK.”

  “Who are the Gordons?”

  “The McGordons. They live next door. The police were there yesterday, talking to them. I saw them.”

  “That doesn’t mean anything. Their car might have been robbed or they might have had a funny phonecaller, there’s a million and one reasons why the police may have been at their house.”

  “I don’t agree, Richie. It was about Jemma and I. I could tell.”

  “How?”

  “I don’t know. I could just tell. They will have heard us that night. I’m not coming back, Richie! Can you not come out here? I don’t like it on my own.”

  “I can’t, Kelly.”

  That’s right! He still hadn’t told me why he was upset. If it wasn’t because he had shopped me in to the police, why was it?

  “Why?”

  “I’ve got no money for starters! Look Kelly, if you think its right to lay low for a while, you lay low for a few days, but ring me again and if nothing is happening, come back. It’s 4th July next week, Kelly. We could meet on the ‘Sunny Road’.”

  Perhaps I was being paranoid. I imagine murderers often were.

  What Richie was saying, seemed to make sense.

  “OK. I’ll ring you in a couple of days, Richie.”

  “Yes, do that, Kelly. And you believe me that there was nothing going on between me and your sister?”

  I probably did, but with everything going on, I wasn’t quite sure what to believe.

  “Yes, but you still haven’t told me why you were upset.”

  I was out of money. The phone started beeping.

  “Kelly, we’ll sit down on the ‘Sunny Road’ next week and we’ll talk this through.”

  “I love you, Richie!”

  Shit! Why was I saying that? Twenty four hours earlier I had seen my sister kissing him.

  “I love you too, Kelly Watkinson. Trust me, everything will work out fine.”

  Richie

  At eighteen years old, when cancer enter
s your life, you cannot be expected to know how to deal with it. I treated it like it was the grim reaper. It had come along uninvited and ruined everything. All my hopes and dreams lay in tatters because of cancer. Kelly and I had sat on the ‘Sunny Road’, planning our future together, our full lives were mapped out as was our happy family home, filled with offspring. Once I had been diagnosed with cancer, it felt like we had been looking at the flower but had failed to see the stem which was laden with thorns. When Kelly had sat on that hill and warned that things change, people change, little did she know that within months, I would be aware that I was a cancer sufferer and she would be aware that she was a murderer.

  Now though, many years later, if I could find a time machine that could transport me back to that diagnosis day and I could pause time, before having a choice of two pathways, one diagnosing me with cancer, the other giving me a clean bill of health, I would choose to have cancer rather than not to have it. Does that sound crazy? It probably does, but what I’m trying to say is that cancer was an awakening for me. It taught me to live life better. To treasure life more. Not at first, I suppose, but as I grew older it did. I am not saying that ultimately I would not have wanted to be cured and to have lived to see my great grandchildren grow up, but I would have rather had cancer for a short while than not to have had it at all.

  Jemma often talks about the day of my diagnosis as being the day she fell in love with me. I guess a little bit of me was in love with Jemma Watkinson from the moment I laid eyes on her, but that was purely a looks thing. Personality wise, at first, I did not like her. I think children sometimes find fault before they find positives and I could not see beyond her brashness and eccentricities. All that happened that day was that I finally began to see Jemma’s positive side, her tactile side, her loving side, her caring side, but with regards to my feelings for her, there was nothing romantic that day, my feelings just moved from the negative side of neutral to the positive side of neutral! The falling in love process for me probably started up, in some sense, that day, but it was a continuous development over the next few years, which also had to link in, I suppose, with the steady process of falling out of love with Kelly. I know Jemma disagrees with me, but at that stage in my life, both consciously and sub-consciously, Kelly was everything.