Forever Is Over

by Wade, Calvin

  “Go with you to do a bungee jump? Tied together?”

  “We wouldn’t have to be tied together. We could each do it alone if you wanted! The site’s out in the rainforest. I’ve never been because, as I said before, I’m from Perth, but it looks great on the photos. Come and have a gander tomorrow if you like, you don’t have to jump, just see what you think. Then you can go home to England and tell your mates and your folks that you did both a horizontal and a vertical bungee!”

  “What’s your name, crazy Aussie?”

  “It’s Brad!”

  “Brad! I’m Kelly! I don’t think I’ll be telling anyone in England about my exploits, I haven’t been home for over six years! I spent a fair bit of time in Hong Kong and then came here over three years ago on a working visa that has long since expired”

  We didn’t need to shake hands, I was still holding hers.

  “So be nice to me Kelly or I may get the authorities to send you a home!”

  “You wouldn’t dare! I know already you aren’t that nasty! I promise I’ll be nice to you as long as you are nice to me!”

  “I already have been. I was cheering you on before! I gave it a good, ‘ONYA KELLY!’

  Kelly’s forehead creased. She was puzzled.

  “On you, Kelly! What does that mean?”

  Kelly started laughing at me. I didn’t know ‘ONYA’ was an Aussie expression, I just thought it was said by people who could speak English.

  “Do you not say that in England? If you’re cheering someone on, do you not say, ‘Onya Charles!’ or ‘Onya Diana’ or ‘Onya Whoever’?”

  “NO! What does it mean?”

  Kelly sounded real posh. It was like speaking to the Queen!

  “I don’t even know what it means! I guess it means ‘Good on yer!’” “Good…on…you?”

  “Cripes Kelly, you’re posh!”

  “I’m not posh!”

  “You bloody are!”

  “I’m not! They’d call me common in England!”

  “Well, you’re a lot posher than me! Anyway, how about it? Are you going to come and do the bungee? Some Kiwi called AJ Hackett started it up. It’s really safe. No-one has ever had a bad injury doing it.”

  “But a million have died!”

  “No, honestly, Kelly, no-one’s died. It’s just fun! An adrenalin rush!”

  “No offence, Brad, but I don’t fancy being in the record books for being the first one to die from doing this bungee. It may be safe, but I don’t think may heart would cope.”

  “You’d be fine!”

  “Thanks Brad, but no thanks. Horizontal bungee will do for me!”

  “Come on, Kelly, be a sport! You just go up some platform and then dive off into some water underneath. It looks awesome! If the guys at the top get your weight just right, your head dips in the water at the bottom!”

  “What if they don’t get your weight right, do you drown or does your head smash on the rocks at the bottom of the water?”

  “I told you, you ain’t gonna cark it, Kelly! Your head just doesn’t go in the water if they get your weight wrong! Look, if you don’t want to do it, don’t do it, but come and watch me. You can just veg out side.”

  “Will they let you jump tomorrow?”

  “I think so.”

  “How would we get there?”

  “By car. I’ve got my own. She’s called Lizzy, like the Queen! She’s taken me and my two mates, Brett and Joel all across Australia. She’s a beaut!”

  “Can I bring my two friends, Dani and Nicole? They’re from Western Australia like you. They’re stopping in my dorm in Caravellas on the Esplanade.”

  “You’re stopping in Caravellas? So am I!”

  “I think everyone Under 30 stays there, Brad!”

  “Whereabouts in W.A are your friends from?”

  “Melville in Perth.”

  “You’re kidding me! I’m from White Gum Valley! Just up the road! Do they play golf ?”

  “I have absolutely no idea, Brad! Not an immediate topic of conversation amongst three girls!”

  “S’pose not. It’s just I’m in Royal Fremantle, if they play, I’ll probably know them! Small world, eh?”

  Kelly pointed them out, they were on the dance floor dancing to some song by Chocolate Starfish. It was the same two girls that Kelly had been with before, I didn’t recognise them.

  “Recognise them?”

  “I’m not sure. Anyway, whether I know them or not, they’re welcome to come along too.”

  “Great. Let me introduce you to them!”

  “ I’ll just get you a drink first. What are you drinking?”

  “That’d be lovely. Vodka and diet coke. Do you dance? Whatever the next song is, you’re dancing with me! Deal?”

  “Only if you do the bungee!”

  “Good try, Brad, but no chance!”

  The following day, Kelly watched as I did my first ever bungee. I almost shit my pants but acted like it was a stroll in the park. Dani and Nicole did one too, tied together!”

  That night, Dani, Nicole and I bought Kelly a bungee t-shirt on which we scrawled with one of those permanent markers,

  “She came, she saw, she bottled out!”

  We sat on their balcony that night smoking dope, not the brainiest thing to do given it was against the law in Queensland, but it must have relaxed Kelly, because after Dani and Nicole went inside, as the night grew cooler, she gave me a long, lingering kiss. Three days later, Brett and Joel headed off to Alice Springs by Greyhound coach minus one friend who they called every name under the sun, as me and the car stayed on with Kelly and the girls! My seven week adventure became a seven month one as I fell in love, big style and toured the Northern Territories with Kelly, before making an about turn and heading back towards Sydney. Eight months later, Kelly and I did a tandem bungee at Kawarau Bridge, Queenstown, New Zealand! She loved it! Four weeks after that, it was all over and I headed back to Perth and Kelly headed to back to England. I can never quite remember what split us up but I remember something happened whilst we were at Franz Josef Glacier and that was that.

  I loved every minute I spent with that girl and I must confess occasionally, when Tyrene isn’t really doing it for me, and the big boy ain’t working how he should, I close my eyes, picture Kelly and its like mental Viagra! Works every time!

  Jim

  When Amy and I were married, I was nervous about being centre of attention for the day, all eyes being on my ugly mug, but I was not at all nervous about the speeches. Let’s face it, as a groom, you hardly have to say anything, you just have to trot out the bog standard pleasantries,

  “Thanks very much to the bridesmaids, what a wonderful job they did and I’m sure you will all agree, they looked pretty as a picture!”

  “I’d like to thank my wife (pause for cheers) for being so gorgeous and marrying a toe rag like me!”

  “Here are some flowers for the mother and mother-in-law, we are both ever so grateful for all your help, love and support in making today so special….BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!”

  Easy stuff!

  A best man’s speech is different. When the speeches start, the invited guests aren’t bothered about the father of the bride speech (‘my little princess is all grown up but I’m not losing a daughter, I’m gaining a son’) or the groom’s speech but, they want to be entertained by the ‘Best Man’. As a ‘Best Man’, you need to be amusing but not abusive, drop in a few “in” jokes for the lads on the stag-do and make the groom embarrassed and proud within the duration of your speech. I picked Richie to be my “Best Man” and he did a fine job. He ripped me to pieces a bit, told jokes about my ugliness, my reputation as a serial shagger until I met Amy, mentioned the tragic “Goth” years and reminded everyone that I was an annoying little shit of a brother for many a long year. It was all said in an endearing tone though and he managed to pull things back by talking about how I turned into a world class brother and friend. When it was Richie’s turn to get married, I was the obv
ious choice and although I am sure he was sorely tempted to go with someone less obvious, he asked me all the same! It was an honour.

  Richie’s wedding was at Christ Church, Aughton, with a reception afterwards at Briars Hall in Lathom. Richie had been promoted in the Building Society where he worked to ‘Branch Manager’ and six weeks before the wedding, he was told he would be getting posted to a flagship branch in Nottingham City Centre. Both Richie and Jemma were excited by this prospect and they knew once they returned from their honeymoon in Sorrento, their new life in Nottingham would start the following day.

  Mum did not take the news about Richie and Jemma’s relocation as enthusiastically as they did! She cried buckets, so much so, you would have thought his posting was on the other side of the moon, not a two hour car journey up the road! Richie was no doubt her favourite! Personally, I had mixed feelings, Richie, Jemma, Amy and I saw a hell of a lot of each other, but I knew we would still see them when they were in Nottingham and by all accounts, it would be a great place to visit. Jemma and Richie’s wedding went like clockwork. Vows were exchanged with glistening eyes. Infectious smiles spread like veruccas. The only rather strange aspect to the whole day was that the bride’s side of the church was virtually empty. Kelly, Jemma’s sister had disappeared abroad several years earlier following Jemma’s arrest and had lost all contact only months later. Jemma’s mother had obviously died in the incident that had led to the arrest and her father, by all accounts, could have been any drunk in the North West of England. As ‘Chief Bridesmaid’, Amy took on the role of giving Jemma away. Once the church service finished, photographs were taken and everyone enjoyed a Champagne toast on the lawn at Briars Hall on a cloudy but warm and dry day. The bride, groom and guests subsequently sat down for the meal, although I hardly touched mine and before I knew it, it was time for the speeches. Due to the lack of family on the Watkinson side and the whole host of family on ours, the speeches were made by Caroline, Richie and myself! It was certainly unique that the only three speeches being made were by three siblings, but when a replacement for father of the bride’s speech was discussed, my Mum and Dad and also Amy, shied away from doing it, so Caroline, who lives with her female partner, Donna and is unlikely to have a traditional wedding of her own, was desperate to be involved.

  Caroline’s speech was all I would have expected it to be, touching and witty. Cal and Richie always had a close bond throughout our childhood and she spoke warmly about listening to LPs in her room and then spoke about how much she had grown to love Jemma. This was a common theme, everyone in our family, including Richie, once thought Jemma was a right royal pain in the butt, but had had a change of heart over time. Quite rightly, given she was replacing the father of the bride, Caroline devoted most of her speech to Jemma and she did it impeccably well, although more than a few eyebrows were raised amongst guests of all ages when she jokingly said that both her and Donna loved Jemma so much that she was welcome over to theirs for a threesome any time! The Vicar almost choked on his chocolate mint!

  Richie’s speech was brief but he brought the house down in laughter and a subsequent standing ovation with an awful “A Cappella” version of Elvis Presley’s “Can’t Help Falling In Love”. Before I knew it, it was my turn.

  The moment I stood up to speak, the nerves evaporated and the adrenalin kicked in. I was no longer nervous, but excited. This was going to be great!

  Jim

  “Bloody hell! That was a sorry attempt at singing, wasn’t it? I don’t think my ears will ever be the same again. Torture!

  Right! There are four thousand ways I could start this speech, but I’ll just simply begin by saying, Ladies & Gentlemen, Boys & Girls, we now reach the moment of the day that I know some of you have been looking forward to for some time and Richie has been dreading since the second he asked me to be best man! The reason Richie has been dreading it, I think, is because he knows if I make a lot of boobs, he’ll end up paying for it in the end!

  I noticed a few chuckles over there from the boys from the stag do! Over there at the back! Those guys were taking bets before on what Jemma and Richie’s first dance will be tonight and amazingly, the odds on favourite is Tina Turner’s “Private Dancer”! Maybe one of them can explain to the rest of you later why that is! Unless you want to explain, Richie….”

  I turned to Richie, on cue, he shook his head,

  “Thought not! Anyway, whilst I’m talking about the guys from the stag do, let me tell you a story! Several years ago, mine and Richie’s Dad, the strange looking bloke to my right, who is twitching for me to hurry up so he doesn’t miss the three o’clock at Royal Ascot, went over to Canada for his cousin’s wedding. In Canada, Dad tells me, the best man is not really called upon to make a speech, he just acts as a ‘Master Of Ceremonies’, therefore he just introduces friends of the bride and groom to say a few words. On that basis, I want everyone to give a huge hand to Andy “Dogger” Woodward, a good friend of Richie’s, who accompanied him on his stag do and is very keen to say a small speech. The floor’s all yours, Dogger!”

  Everyone cheered and clapped, with the exception of one man! Poor ‘Dogger’ nearly stuck his head in his pint of lager and drowned himself! Everyone turned and stared at him, and, totally unprepared, with the applause still ringing out, he took to his feet,

  “Erm…bastards! Sorry, that slipped out, it’s just these Billingham brothers have a habit of stitching me up and guess what, they’ve done it again! As you can probably tell, I wasn’t expecting to be doing much this afternoon, other than drinking beer and eyeing up the one bridesmaid I am officially allowed to look at, my wife, Sandra. So, Jim’s caught me off guard here! Right, all I will say is that, despite once tying me naked to a lamppost in Brighton and abandoning me, an ordeal I will never get over, despite that, I have a lot of love for Richie. He’s one cool guy. As for Jemma, well she’s turned out to be a million times nicer than the bitch we all both fancied and hated at school….”

  There was a collective sense of disapproval amongst the audience,

  “What? Don’t tut! It was meant as a compliment! Jemma is a great girl these days! In fact, so much so, if I could have chosen a wife for Richie myself, Jemma would have been the one!

  So, can everyone please be upstanding and raise their glasses to today’s happy couple, ‘Richie and Jemma’!”

  Everyone stood. “RICHIE and JEMMA!”

  ‘Dogger’ sat himself down, necked about half a pint of lager in one go and I continued.

  “Can everyone please give ‘Dogger’ a round of applause for being my scapegoat there! I have to be honest, I wasn’t expecting his speech to go any further than ‘F OFF!”

  Everyone gave ‘Dogger’ a pleasant round of applause. Other than committing the cardinal sin, ‘Thou Must Not Slag Off The Bride On Her Wedding Day!’ He had done pretty well.

  “Thanks, Dogger! OK, before I get back to taking the mickey out of my big brother, I just want to say a few words about the newest addition to the Billingham family, today’s blushing bride, Jemma. My wife, Amy, has been friends with Jemma for more years than they care to admit, so I could, at this point, pass the buck once more and get Amy to stand up and do this part of the speech. That, however, would not be the best idea I’ve ever had! Whilst I don’t really care how much I cheese ‘Dogger’ off, it may not do anything for my future sex life if I sprung a speech on Amy, so I’m going to have to do this bit myself. When asked about Jemma, Amy said the following….”

  I took out a piece of paper.

  “Jemma is quite simply the best friend a girl could have. She’s fiercely loyal, incredibly forgiving, strong minded, passionate and truthful. Everyone knows that she spent some time in prison and those who don’t know her, would wrongly assume this makes her a bad person. This could not be further from the truth. Jemma is one of those rare people who is as radiant on the inside, as she is on the outside. Richie is a lucky man to have her.”

  Jemma stood up and walked over to Amy and ga
ve her a quick hug and kiss, before returning to her seat.

  “Thanks for that Amy! I really do have to re-iterate what Amy and ‘Dogger’ think. The more I get to know Jemma, the more I understand why Amy and Richie think so much of her. Most important to me though, is how she makes my brother feel and I know he thinks Jemma makes every second of his life worth living. Jemma, you look fabulous today, your dress is perfect and you do look truly stunning. For making my brother, the happiest man alive, I salute you. So, could I ask everyone to be upstanding once more and raise their glasses to our gorgeous bride, Jemma!”

  Everyone took to their feet, their chairs scraping on the floor and reminding me of the days back at school when the Headmaster came into class. There was no toast then though, just apprehension. This time there was only joy.

  “Jemma!”

  “OK. As much as I love you, Jemma, it’s time to move on to your cute little husband. My brother, Richie!”

  There was a mumbled ‘hurrah’ from the boys on the stag do.

  “When we were little, as my Mum and Dad are only too happy to testify, there was not a great deal of love lost between Richie and I. In fact, it would be fair to say, that we hated each other like Russians and Americans! Our ideologies were different about everything. He liked Laurel & Hardy, I liked Harold Lloyd. Richie liked Dukes of Hazzard, I liked Starsky and Hutch. I liked Tiswas, but wasn’t allowed to watch it as Richie liked bloody Swop Shop! We just had nothing in common!

  I was quiet and shy, Richie was fairly outgoing. I preferred my own company to that of groups, Richie was always in a gang. I could make things, Richie could break things! I was studious, Richie was sporty. I liked to go to sleep in a dry bed, Richie preferred to sleep in puddles he managed to create in his sleep! I won’t dwell on this point, as I would like to think I will still be alive by midnight, but as a nine year old child, I took great delight in being given the top bunk whilst Richie had the bottom one. This wasn’t always the way it was, but Mum finally took pity on me after several evenings of yellow showers! As I say, I won’t dwell on this ,but Jemma if you and Richie ever go on an overnight train and have to share bunk beds, I strongly advise you to take the top bunk and I would also recommend that you borrow these………”