Carry Me Home

by Janet Fox

  Now that the girls were back in school, their weekday afternoons were short, as Daddy cooked a meal behind the Suburban while the girls showered in the RV park shower, and after dinner they went to bed with the birds.

  “Bed with the birds,” Daddy said. “Up with the birds and down with the birds. Healthy, wealthy, and wise.” Though Lulu did use a flashlight to read herself to sleep most nights.

  Daddy taught Lulu to cook on the camp stove because it was “a skill everyone should know.” It was easy to use, but everything had to be put away every night because of the bears. But Daddy, handy as always, had made a sturdy box out of salvaged wood to store the stove and pots and pans and plates and silver together with the tiny little table under the Suburban.

  Lulu stopped asking about a house after a while. They had what they needed for now.

  They had each other.

  Lulu wasn’t super concerned on the day Daddy disappeared until they got back to the Suburban and found everything just as they’d left it and still no Daddy. Now anger was mingling, stirring, like a pot of stew with worry beans thrown in.

  “Lu?” Serena asked, squeezing her hand.

  “For tonight we’ve got some peanut butter,” Lulu said. “And bread. Daddy must be working an extra shift. We can manage.”

  After they showered and ate and before it got dark, Lulu helped Serena with the blankets—still mussed from the morning—and locked the two of them inside the car. If Daddy came back, he’d knock on the window.

  “Where’s Daddy?” Serena whispered.

  “We’re gonna be okay,” Lulu said. “Go to sleep.”

  That night, Lulu didn’t read.

  9 Way Before

  THE FIRST and only other time Daddy disappeared was a couple of months after the stuff with Mama was over. They were still in Texas, still in the house, still living, kind of, right down the street from angry Aunt Ruth.

  Serena and Lulu, trying to be good, trying to help out, and Lulu trying not to be angry herself about all that had happened, spent more time than they would have liked at angry Aunt Ruth’s house even before Daddy disappeared.

  But one evening he sent Lulu and Serena home with Aunt Ruth, who was always cross, and then he up and left them, saying, “Later.”

  “Later” turned out to be a month.

  Aunt Ruth had rules, like no talking once the lights were out. She marched around mumbling about John this and John that. Their daddy John. And she made muttering phone calls that Lulu overheard, with words that made her skin prickle.

  Words like “foster” and “can’t take care of them all by myself” and “send away” and “illegal.”

  Every night after things got quiet Serena crawled into bed with Lulu.

  “Why’s she so mad all the time?” Serena whispered.

  Lulu thought about anger. About what that felt like. “Sometimes people who are angry are really just scared,” she whispered back.

  “What’s she got to be scared about?”

  “That Daddy won’t come back.”

  “But, that’s what I’m scared about, and I’m not angry. I’m just scared,” Serena said. “Plus, that’s not her scary thing. It’s mine. She doesn’t get to have it. She doesn’t get to be scared about him not coming back.” There was a choke in Serena’s whispered words.

  Lulu squeezed Serena’s hand. “I’m here, Reenie,” Lulu said. Stepping up. Stepping in. Trying to comfort Serena when comfort was scarce. Because words like “foster” and “send away” made Lulu realize there was a big, big gap that had to be filled, the kind of gap that kids could fall through when their parents weren’t watching, for one reason or another. A gap that kids could fall through when grown-ups got scared. “I won’t let anything bad happen.”

  When Daddy finally came back after that month, he was a little less sad. He had the Suburban and said something about a plan, a plan that made angry Aunt Ruth mumble and mutter even more. A plan that involved the Suburban.

  Lulu was real careful not to let her daddy leave again on his own, and she stayed as far away as she could from angry Aunt Ruth, until Daddy’s plan came to be.

  10 Now

  ON FRIDAY, through the early hours, Lulu checked the car’s clock until she got up, got dressed, pulled out a couple of cold Pop Tarts, and woke Serena.

  “This is really important, Reenie, so listen up,” Lulu said as they were finishing the Pop Tarts. “You have to promise me.”

  Serena, eyes still vacant with sleepiness, just watched.

  “You have to promise,” Lulu said again. “Promise?”

  Serena nodded.

  “You can’t tell anyone that Daddy’s not here. Not anyone. No kids. No adults. Nobody.”

  “Where is he?” Serena asked, her voice a tremolo.

  Lulu’s left hand was behind her back. She clenched that fist. “If you tell someone, they’ll separate us. They’ll take us away. We won’t be together. Understand?” She’d heard enough of those words at angry Aunt Ruth’s, enough to know the truth of things, enough to know what adults did with kids like Lulu and Serena who didn’t have adults around.

  Plus, Daddy had said, “Let’s keep it a secret, okay, Lu? Some folks just don’t understand certain things, like us living out here,” and he’d pointed around the RV park. “Some folks think it might be bad for you girls. But I’m taking care of you, Lulu. That’s not bad, is it? We’re together. And that’s not bad.”

  And it wasn’t, until now.

  Serena let out a little sob. “But where’s Daddy?”

  Lulu tightened that clenched fist. “They don’t let little kids be alone. They’ll take you to one place and me to another. Maybe even take one of us back to Aunt Ruth. Or to someone worse. Is that what you want?” Lulu didn’t want to sound mean, but she had to make Serena understand.

  Serena shook her head, her eyes growing wide.

  “Okay, then. It’s okay. I know what to do. I’m gonna take care of everything like I did before. You know that, right?”

  Serena nodded.

  Lulu smiled, tight. She said, “I can even cook and stuff. I know what to do until Daddy comes back.”

  “Daddy’s coming back?”

  “Of course he is.” Of course. Lulu’s fisted hand was now crossed fingers, crossed for both a promise and a lie.

  When they got to the elementary school, Lulu took ten dollars from the wallet and gave it to the door proctor. “For Serena Johnson’s lunches,” she said.

  The woman looked from the ten-dollar bill to Lulu’s face. “Where’s your father?”

  “Working extra,” Lulu said. She met the woman’s eyes straight on. “ ’Cause, you know, we need some warmer coats.” Serena’s hand, interlocked in hers, was icy cold. It was gray and blustery outside.

  The woman took the money. Then she said, her voice soft, “Over at the Lutheran church they do a coat drive every fall. It’s tomorrow. Coats are free to those who need them.”

  Lulu’s heart lifted. “Thanks.”

  11

  JACK PLUNKED the milk onto Lulu’s tray without asking. She looked at it for a minute, considering. Daddy would’ve said, “It’s a sin to waste good food.” She reached for the milk.

  “I’m trying out for the lead,” he said.

  “Sorry?” Lulu asked.

  “Schoolhouse Rock. The musical. The auditions are next week.”

  “Oh!” Lulu slowly opened the milk carton, then sipped.

  “Do you like to sing?”

  Lulu regarded Jack. “Yeah. I do. I can sing.” She wasn’t going to go overboard. She still hardly knew him, just knew that he gave her his milk.

  “Great! Why don’t you try out, too? I know all the songs. I can teach you. Even if you don’t sing great, it’s the kind of musical you can fake. Plus, you can sing any song for the audition, just to show them.”

  “I can sing,” Lulu repeated, soft.

  “Want my help? What’re you doing this weekend? I could come by your house—”

&
nbsp; “Can’t this weekend.” Or any weekend.

  Jack chewed his pizza. “Okay. Maybe next week? Like, one afternoon after school?”

  “Yeah. Maybe.” The milk was nice and cold. Lulu concentrated on the milk.

  12 Before

  THEY’D ONLY been there a few days, in that flat-land drilling place with all those men and almost no women and no children. A week on the road from Texas just to be there, “where the work was,” Daddy said. With the pump jacks and well diggers and oily smells and no homes for families.

  Lulu hated the place. It was hot, dry, dusty, and filled with big men who smelled bad. Daddy had had to park the Suburban in a bare lot, squeezed between a couple of giant RVs that hummed, loud, day and night.

  “The pay is real good,” Daddy said. “Real good. We won’t have to be here too long before we have good money. Maybe just be here for the summer.” He’d started to smell bad, too. There were no showers for those without RVs. Just stinky port-o-potties.

  He worked long hours, up at dawn and not back until well after dark. Lulu was starting to learn from Daddy how to cook a bit on the camp stove, but she and Serena were bored out of their minds. They hated spending those long hot days inside the stuffy car.

  That’s how it happened.

  Lulu was reading, lying on her back on the tailgate, blanket under her head, headphones in her ears. The RVs hummed. Serena was playing in the dirt out away from the Suburban with the Barbie she’d brought from home. Next thing Lulu knew Serena was no longer saying stuff in a made-up dialogue barely audible over the hum and the music in her headphones.

  Lulu sat up. Barbie was splayed facedown in the dust ten feet away.

  “Reenie?” Lulu called. She hopped off the tailgate. “Serena?”

  There, way down the street, really far down the street, so far Lulu was shocked, was tiny Serena, holding the hand of a large man who walked super fast, kind of dragging Lulu’s sister, his back to Lulu, Serena trying to look back at the Suburban, the man making for a rusty van that was parked out by the Stop-N-Go but left running, its tailpipe spewing.

  Lulu didn’t pause to close up the car or pick up Barbie.

  When she reached them Lulu’s side ached and she couldn’t talk. She grabbed for Serena’s free hand. The big man whirled and held on tight to Serena’s other.

  “Lu?” Serena said in a tiny scared voice.

  “Let go. Let go!” the man said, yanking.

  “No!” Lulu managed. Then, “Help!”

  A woman in front of the store turned on the sidewalk, lifting her hand to shade her eyes. “Hey,” she called. “What’s going on there?”

  The man dropped Serena’s hand, made for the van, and once in, roared away.

  When Lulu told Daddy later he didn’t move for a long minute. Then he reached for Lulu and Serena and pulled them to his chest; Lulu could feel his whole body shaking. She didn’t care about the smell. She held on to her daddy and her sister so tight it hurt.

  By dawn they were on their way.

  “West,” Daddy said, not meeting Lulu’s eyes in the rearview. “It’ll be nicer a bit west.”

  13 Now

  SATURDAY, TWO days after Daddy disappeared, the sun came out. The peaks were topped by a dusting of new snow but the mountainsides were still bare, browning up with autumn, with dots of gold and red from the aspen and chokecherries. Lulu knew the Saturday routine. She knew the routes except the one to get to the Lutheran church, but the church couldn’t be far. Not in this small town.

  Lulu had to stick to the routine. Step up. Step in. Take care of herself and most especially of Serena, like she had at the drill site. Then maybe Daddy would come back, just like he had last time, back in Texas. When he’d gone last time, she’d stepped up and taken care of herself and Serena.

  When he got back this time, he’d be so proud of Lulu.

  If he wasn’t back by Monday, she could go looking for him, although she didn’t really know where she’d start. Perhaps she’d find someone he worked with. Maybe he’d said something to the guys he worked with about going somewhere. She didn’t know enough about any of the adults around to trust any of them not to take her and Serena someplace they didn’t want to be. But she’d sort it out later, because right now she could step up.

  Right now it was Saturday, and she knew what to do. They had their routine.

  The first stop was the food bank, because it opened bright and early. Daddy had found a discarded shopping cart they’d used all summer and Lulu pushed while Serena skipped beside her. Lulu loaded up the cart with all the things Daddy usually got, plus they had some fresh salad greens and carrots, which Daddy didn’t like but Lulu thought were important. And she got an extra milk.

  They dropped the food off in the car cooler before heading for the laundromat and the library, having traded out the food for the laundry.

  After the laundromat Lulu parked the shopping cart carrying their now-clean clothes just inside the library door. Ms. Maurene was at the desk in the children’s section, as usual on Saturdays.

  “Can you tell me please where I might find the Lutheran church?” Lulu asked.

  Ms. M fished around in a drawer at her desk and pulled out a town map. “We’re here, okay? The Lutheran church is right there. About four blocks west. You going to the coat drive?”

  Lulu’s cheeks went hot.

  “It’s okay, hon. Lots of people who are new to Montana discover they don’t have warm enough coats. You get the warmest you can, okay?”

  Lulu nodded.

  “Your dad all right? I saved him yesterday’s paper. I know he likes to read the news from time to time.”

  Lulu nodded again, looking hard at Serena, who chewed her lip. Lulu took the newspaper and folded it in thirds.

  She and Serena picked out four books apiece and Ms. M checked them out. Lulu had been so happy when Daddy had used the RV park address so they could get library cards, even though they never got mail. “Just for you, Lulu, ’cause you love to read.”

  “Say, Lulu?” Ms. M said.

  Lulu turned.

  “I’m thinking about setting up a corner in the laundromat with books for kids. I talked to the owner and she said it was fine with her. But I need a little help choosing the right books. Most of the kids who spend time there are your age or a little younger. You think you could help me with that?”

  Lulu tried not to register her surprise.

  “You’re a regular here since spring and I thought you’d have a pretty good idea what might work. Start thinking about it, okay?”

  Lulu gave Ms. M a big smile. “Okay.”

  14

  LULU SAT behind the wheel of the Suburban. She counted the money again and did a little mental math. She’d paid for two weeks of Serena’s and her own school lunches. She’d paid for the laundry. That left her with thirty-five dollars and seventy-five cents.

  The slip of paper that was tucked under the windshield wiper while they were at the laundromat said that they owed twenty dollars to the RV park for the next week’s rent, cheaper now that fall had arrived and the RV park was half empty, or so the note said, with a smiley face at the end.

  She snuggled inside her big new coat. Well, new to her, but definitely big. There was a whole rack of large puffy gently used (so the sign said) kids’ coats. Serena wanted a blue coat but it was already a little small, so Lulu convinced her to choose the bright pink coat that would fit for at least a year. Lulu’s coat was black, and though she thought it was kind of ugly, like a stack of inner tubes wrapping around her body, it sure was warm. The ladies at the church didn’t ask them any questions, and one even fished out a couple of knitted hats from a bag at her feet.

  “I made these myself,” she said, proud.

  Serena had pulled her hat straight down to her eyebrows and grinned at the woman.

  “My, you are a pretty little thing. So sweet, why, I could just eat you up,” she said to Serena, which prompted Lulu to take Serena’s hand tight and leave without
a thank-you.

  Now she felt bad about not thanking the ladies.

  She had to start dinner. This was her first time cooking on the camp stove all by herself, but the only healthy food they had, other than peanut butter, needed to be heated up, so she did. And it wasn’t so bad, with one of the prepackaged meals from the food bank plus some carrots. Serena didn’t complain.

  Lulu decided she’d make extra so she didn’t have to cook for a couple of nights. And maybe extra so if Daddy came home tonight he’d be able to eat. Maybe he’d come home. It was a Saturday, after all. And the day they usually all spent together.

  He must be hungry, wherever he was. He must be. Because he didn’t have his wallet, so how could he eat? Even if he was somewhere else, in some other town, in a shelter, for a reason she couldn’t possibly know, he wouldn’t just fill himself up on food and not be thinking about Lulu and Serena.

  That other time he’d disappeared, he’d left them with Aunt Ruth. This time he’d disappeared and left them alone. Last time he’d come back with the Suburban and a plan. So, was he about to come back with a new car? A new plan?

  Last time he’d left out of sheer overwhelming sadness. As Daddy put it, “an inability to cope.” Is that what happened this time?

  Daddy had to be okay… Lulu wasn’t going to think about any other possibility. He had to be out there somewhere, thinking about them, and thinking about getting back to them, and because she was sure he wouldn’t eat without thinking about them, he’d be hungry.

  Lulu wasn’t so hungry herself in this moment, with her mind chewing on everything. Chewing on Daddy’s disappearance, on his sadness, and especially on her wish that he’d come back, right now.

  It was hard, this responsibility. Hard to cook. Hard to eat. Hard to keep to the routine. Hard to worry about Serena, about Daddy. Hard to worry about money. Hard.