Inhale, Exhale

by Sarah M. Ross

  After our amazing and unexpected kiss, we made it to the cafeteria and nibbled on a light dinner of chicken soup and ham and cheese sandwiches. I wanted to kiss her again, to pick her up and have her wrap her legs around me as I carried her to an empty room for a few hours of alone time. But I knew as much as she wanted to kiss me, she was using it as an excuse to take her mind off of why we were in the hospital in the first place. And I was okay with that. I just didn’t want her to fill with regret later.

  “How long has she been out?” her mom whispered.

  “Only about forty-five minutes. She paced for a long while, and then at one point demanded the nurse page Dr. Kush, convinced they’d forgotten we were here. A very baby-faced intern or resident or something came to talk to us around ten. He said Mrs. Mayfield was stable, but resting and not allowed visitors until the morning. Jillian tried to call and tell you, but your phone went straight to voicemail.”

  Her mom rolled her eyes. “I forgot to charge the stupid thing again. Some good it does me sitting dead at the bottom of my purse.” Her husband elbowed her, and her eyes widened with realization. “I’m so sorry. Grant, this is Jillian’s dad, Justin. Hun, this is a friend of Jillian’s from work, Grant.”

  I shook his hand. “A pleasure to meet you, sir.”

  “You too, Grant. So is that all the doctor had to say?” Dark circles plagued his eyes. He loosened his tie and unbuttoned the top button of his now-rumpled dress shirt. I felt for the man. His mother was very ill and he had been hundreds of miles away, completely helpless to do anything. And now that he was here, he still couldn’t do much.

  “Unfortunately, yes. They’re going to do the MRI and some other tests first thing in the morning. They couldn’t tell us anything beyond that.” I paused, looking down. “I think the stress of the day got to Jillian and knocked her out.”

  Her mom reached over and swiped Jillian’s hair from her forehead. “Grant, is there any way you could drive her home? We want to stay and page the doctor again and try to get in to at least see Ella for a minute, but Jillian should get some rest. I’m sure tomorrow will be just as stressful for her.”

  I nodded. “I’d be happy to.”

  I gently shook Jillian’s shoulder to rouse her, and after a twenty-minute conversation with her dad, a lot of hugs, and a few more tears, we made our way to the car. Even though it was a mild night outside, I turned on the seat warmer for her. Anything I could do to bring some comfort, I was willing to try. I remembered those long, stressful nights in the hospital and hated that I couldn’t do more to help. As I turned the key and started the engine, she slid down into the seat and lay back, staring at the stars through the sunroof.

  “Do you want to enter your address in the GPS, Jillian?”

  She sat up slightly, biting the corner of her bottom lip. “I don’t want to be alone right now. I don’t think I could handle the emptiness of my house right now.”

  She didn’t say anything further. I hesitated for a moment, nervous about her reaction to what I was about to ask. “Do you want to stay at my place?”

  Her eyes opened, and she looked at me. I quickly followed up before she got the wrong idea. “Of course, you can take my bed and I’ll take the couch.”

  “Really? That would be okay? I don’t want to trouble you, you’ve already done so much for me today.”

  Her fragile voice clenched at my heart. Of course I wanted to help her. I would cut off my own fuckin’ arm if it would take the sadness out of her eyes. “Just lay back and let me take care of you, okay?”

  She nodded and resumed looking at the stars as I drove. It was a comfortable silence, broken only by the hum of the engine. We pulled into my parking garage, parked the car, and stepped into the elevator to ride the three flights to my apartment. Jillian looked dead on her feet, and I knew she’d be out the second her head hit the pillow.

  “Your place is nice,” she quipped, looking around as we entered.

  I was so glad I had cleaned up yesterday and didn’t have used socks or dirty dishes covering various surfaces. I kicked a stray shoe under the couch and led her into the living room. “It’s not much, but it’s home for now.”

  We stood staring at each other, neither exactly sure how to proceed. We’d agreed to be just friends, but then shared an intense kiss and now she was spending the night at my house. It wasn’t the most common of circumstances. She bit the side of her thumb, which I now recognized as a nervous habit, and shifted her weight from one foot to the other.

  “Um, I don’t have anything to sleep in. I didn’t even think of stopping by my house and grabbing an overnight bag.”

  “Do you want to borrow a T-shirt or anything?”

  “Could I?”

  I walked to my bedroom and plucked an old Georgia Tech Crew shirt from my dresser. “Bathroom’s through there. Clean towels are under the sink. I think I have an extra toothbrush in the medicine cabinet too from my last trip to the dentist. Feel free to use whatever you need.”

  “Thanks again, Grant. I really appreciate everything you’ve done today. It means a lot that you gave up your Friday night to sit in uncomfortable plastic chairs in a hospital waiting room.” She stepped closer, wrapping her arms around me in a tight hug. I squeezed back, breathing in that amazing coconut smell I’d come to associate with her.

  “Tout le plaisir êtait pour moi,” I recited. I cupped her face in my hands and stared into her eyes. “It will always be my pleasure, Jillian.”

  Tears pooled, but I didn’t mean to make her cry, so I quickly changed the subject. “Okay, let’s get you to bed. I know how exhausted you are.”

  I led her to my bedroom. “Here you go. I’ll close the door so you can change, and I’ll be in the living room on the couch if you need anything.”

  I stepped out, heading to the kitchen to get a drink. It had been a long night for me too, and the cold beer with a slice of lime was just the nightcap I needed. As I settled onto the couch, I opened my iMac and scrolled through my email and Twitter feed. I was watching a new Funny or Die video when the bedroom door creaked open.

  “I wanted to say goodnight.” Jillian’s sleepy voice was sultry, and wearing nothing but my T-shirt that hung only a few inches below her thighs made me glad I was sitting. She wouldn’t be able to see my instant erection as easily.

  “Sleep well.” I shifted and tried to reposition my now rock-hard erection, thinking of dead puppies and Margaret Thatcher naked to try to get it to go down.

  Jillian half turned to go back in the bedroom, but paused. “Um, Grant?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Would you… would it be okay if you just held me for a little while? Just until I fall asleep?”

  I shuddered a breath, grateful and nervous at the same time. “Are you sure?” The last thing I wanted was for her to think I was taking advantage of her when she was vulnerable.

  She nodded. “Yes, I’m sure.”

  “Okay then.” Praying my boner didn’t dig into her back and freak her out, I followed behind her, turning out the light.

  Jillian climbed in first, turning on her side. I followed and tucked her into my side, wrapping my arm around her waist and placing her head against my chest. “Rest. You’re safe here. I’m not going to do anything.”

  She half turned her face and kissed me on the cheek. “I wouldn’t have asked you if I thought you might. I know you’re more respectful than that.”

  She turned back, and I closed my eyes. After a few minutes, her breathing evened and I knew she was out. I sighed, and mustered up courage knowing she was sound asleep to admit what I really wanted to say.

  “I’m falling, Jillian. Falling for a girl who I can’t have but want more than the air I breathe.”

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  I hadn’t slept so well in a long time, and even though I had been up until the wee hours of the morning, I woke refreshed. I thought back to the dream I’d had at the beginning of the summer, but no dream could compare to the real thing. My w
hole body felt like limp spaghetti, warm and soft in Grant’s arms. His scent was everywhere, and I was basking in it. Gloriously.

  Grant was snoring softly in my ear, his hand wrapped around me and cupping my breast. I knew it was not something he consciously did, but it still caused a series of goosebumps to form over my entire body and my nipples to harden under his touch.

  I closed my eyes and tried to recapture a few more minutes of sleep. Last night I had pushed aside my conflicting emotions about Christian versus Grant. I had adopted a “live in the moment” mentality, but it wasn’t who I was. I wasn’t the type of girl who woke up in another man’s arms—happily, I might add—while her boyfriend was out of town. I knew I should feel more guilty about the kiss we shared, and for spending the night (even though we didn’t do anything), but in the moment it was where I wanted to be. Guilt should have been gnawing at my soul, but all I felt was contentment.

  What was happening with me?

  It didn’t matter; I didn’t have the time to focus on anything but Gamma today. I took one more deep breathe, inhaling and savoring this moment before I wiggled free and slipped into the bathroom. I would need to head back to my house before going to the hospital, and probably needed to get my car at some point too. I couldn’t expect Grant to give up a second day sitting at the hospital.

  I dug my phone out of my pocket and glanced at it. It was just after seven and the sun was starting to peek out on the horizon. I was sure Gamma hadn’t been taken back for her tests yet, so I didn’t bother to call my parents for an update. I brushed my teeth and scrubbed my face clean before slipping my black pants from yesterday back on, but didn’t change my shirt. I stayed in Grant’s T-shirt. I loved sleeping in it, the worn cotton soft against my skin and his scent now lingering on my flesh. His pillow and bed also smelled like him; it was like being bathed in that amazing scent. I could have stayed in bed all day if the circumstances had been different.

  When I came out of the bathroom, Grant was awake, sprawled out on the bed and looking oh so delectable. “Mornin’,” he yawned.

  “Hey. Good morning yourself.” I sat down at the foot of the bed to put my black, strappy sandals back on.

  “How’d you sleep?” He sat up, and the sheet fell around his waist. He was shirtless. I knew he rowed on a crew team, but had only imagined how well defined his chest and arms were. The reality was ten times better. Every inch of his tanned skin was a sight to behold, the sinewy muscles begging to be touched.

  Caressed.

  Stroked.

  I stood up and looked away, not trusting myself to resist climbing back in bed with him for a little while.

  “I slept better than I thought I would, considering. Thanks.” I paused, suddenly nervous. It’s not like this was some one-night stand or hell, even a date, but I had no idea the proper protocol of what to do next.

  “Um, do you think you could drop me back at my car so I can go home and change before heading back to the hospital? I want to get there early today.”

  Grant stood up, stretching his hands over his head. His basketball shorts were slung low on his hips and a flare of lust rose up again. Good lord, was this man sexy—too sexy for my own good. He walked passed me and into the bathroom, closing the door. “I’ll be five minutes.”

  “Take your time.”

  Ten minutes later, we were pulling into the Starbucks drive-thru a few blocks away from where my car was parked. With my Venti Red Eye doused with a heavy dollop of cream and six raw sugar packets, I felt confident I could handle today. Grant pulled up beside my beat-up clunker and turned off his car.

  “I have to stop by my dad’s house, but I can come to the hospital and sit with you this afternoon if you want.”

  “You’re so wonderful, but I can’t ask you to give up another day—especially a day off. Go be with your dad. I’m sure my mom and dad will be at the hospital all day, and knowing my mom, she’s called half the church to start a prayer chain, half the neighborhood, and every aunt and cousin within three hundred miles. People will be buzzing around all day.”

  “I’ll have my cell all day. If you need anything—anything at all, just ask. I’ll be there.” He leaned toward me, his lips brushing the hair next to my ear. “Always.”

  I bit my lip to hold back a groan and slid out of the car. I shook away all selfish and naughty thoughts as I plopped into my own and watched Grant drive away. An hour later I was showered, dressed, and back at the hospital. Mom and Dad were already there and filled me in on what I’d missed, which wasn’t much.

  The day dragged on and wore me out. The MRI confirmed Gamma had a stroke, but the doctors were still unclear about the extent of the damage. She responded to stimuli, so we didn’t think she had suffered any long-term paralysis, but only time would tell how her speech or swallowing would be affected.

  I was able to visit with her and though she wasn’t conscious, it was a huge comfort just to be able to hold her hand and tell her how much I loved her. Dad rarely left her side, not wanting her to be alone when she woke up, and Mom stayed in the waiting room updating family members and friends. I tried to sit, but found it impossible to settle into any comfortable position. I was anxious and frustrated at the medical system and it only grew as the hours passed.

  I attempted to eat, but the food sat like a rock in the pit of my stomach. Finally, after finding mediocre comfort sitting on the floor with my legs tucked beneath me, I took out my ereader. After reading the same page three times, I turned it off and tossed it back in my purse. I couldn’t focus as thoughts of worst-case scenarios plagued my mind. I had yo-yoed between emotional highs and lows for the past two days, and it was taking its toll.

  “Mom, I’m going to make a Starbucks run and get more coffee. Do you want anything?” I tucked my phone in the back pocket of my favorite jeans, so old they now molded to my body, and swiped my keys out from my purse. More caffeine was not what I needed, but a change of scenery was. I’d been here for over eight hours and needed a break.

  “Your Aunt Natalie is on her way and bringing me some of her special herbal tea, so I’d better not.” Mom continued flipping through her US Weekly. “But take your time, sweetie. Between Daddy and your aunt, you may not get in to see Gamma during the next set of visiting hours since they only allow two at a time.”

  “Okay. Then I’m going to run home and check on things there. See if there are any messages or flowers for Gamma or anything. I’ll be back later.”

  I pushed the button for the elevator and was surprised to see Grant inside when it opened. I stepped inside, riding it back down with him.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked. He was holding a small African violet plant set in a black vase.

  “I wanted to give this to your grandmother.” He handed me the flowers and smiled shyly. “And I wanted to check on you, see if you needed anything.”

  “They’re beautiful. She’ll love them.” I bent and inhaled the rich, sweet aroma.

  Neither of us moved as the elevator doors closed. We stayed idle for a few seconds until I pushed the G and waited until it dinged and the doors opened at the garage level.

  I stepped out and Grant followed. “Where are you headed?”

  I blew out a breath and halted. “Honestly? I needed a change of scenery. I was going to go to Starbucks, but I don’t know if I can handle any more caffeine.” Without even realizing it, I’d leaned into Grant. He put an arm around me in a comforting hug. “Today has been so stressful, and I needed to take my mind off of it for a while before I explode. Can we just drive around for a bit?”

  “Yeah, of course. Whatever you need.”

  We climbed into Grant’s car and veered toward the highway. I didn’t know where he was taking me, but that was okay. I didn’t need a destination, just a journey.

  It was a bright summer day that any other time I would have found as the perfect excuse to put on my bikini and head to the beach. Today, I lowered my sunglasses to my eyes and opened the window, letting
the warm afternoon air rush over me. Grant didn’t say anything, or even turn on the radio, seeming to understand I needed less noise right now, not more.

  With each mile we drove, a little more of the stress that had piled on me slipped away. I forgot about everything and focused on the warm sun on my face. That warmth melted everything else away.

  I could have kissed Grant for being here for me, knowing exactly how to make me feel better. So, I decided that was exactly what I was going to do.

  “Pull over,” I ordered, sliding closer to him.

  “Um, where exactly do you want to go?” He seemed confused, and I couldn’t blame him. I hadn’t spoken in almost an hour and this came out of the blue to him.

  “I don’t really care. Just somewhere without people.”

  Grant looked around. “There’s a little beach next to the inlet at this next exit. It’s not easily accessible since it doesn’t have a parking lot or anything, so not a lot of people head there. I only know about it because JT and I went fishing there once. It should be pretty empty.”

  “That sounds perfect.” I rested my head on his shoulder, and he took my hand, entwining our fingers.

  Grant took the next exit, heading off the main road and turning onto what looked like a dirt pathway. Thick brush inhibited my view, but a few minutes later we came to an opening. In front of us lay Manhead Sound. Once parked, we got out of the car and looked around. The beach was surrounded by palms, shielding it from view of the road. Not another soul occupied the inlet beach, and being so far off the main road with more accessible public beaches not far down the road, I doubted many even knew about this place.

  I rolled up my jeans to my knees and slipped my flip flops off, loving the squish of the soft, warm sand between my toes. I walked toward the dark water and sat down a few feet from the shore, closing my eyes and letting the cathartic sound of the waves lapping wash over me. The water here was darker than other areas due to the many barrier islands around. It gave it the distinct Georgia look that made it feel like home. Stretching my legs in front of me, I laid down, allowing the sun to lick every inch of my available skin.