My door opens and I know someone has come in. I feel a familiar voice begin to sooth me before she touches me, her way of preparing me. Charlie wraps her arms around me and I hug her back with all my might, needing her like never before. She uses one of her hands to rub my back in a circular motion, telling me that everything will be okay; that I’m not alone.
My crying begins to ease off and I realize, in this exact moment, I can’t do this anymore; I’m sick of crying and feeling scared. I’m tired of feeling broken, and accept there are things that have to happen if I’m going get any better and put this behind me. I have to move on. Not for anyone else; for me.
I lean back and look at Charlie, “Can you go get mom please? I have something I need to say, and I really need to say it to both of you.”
“Of course, be right back,” she says before walking out the door. Not a minute later, she and my mom rejoin me in my room. I hold my head up for the first time in days, my shoulders up and my back straight, hoping to gain some confidence with what I need to say, and do.
“I know I need to do something, and I can’t continue to cry anymore, I can fight.” I think I’ve finally finished the crying stage, at least I hope so and now, I’m starting to just get pissed. I feel broken and I’m tired of feeling this way, but I know I can’t do this on my own. I need help. I am finally admitting I need help. I come to another realization. “The truth is, mom, we may never know who the guy is. I never knew his name.”
They both watch me carefully waiting for me to continue. But on my mom’s face, I see a glimmer of hope begin to rise up and take its place, shoving the gloom aside that’s been there for several days.
“I need help with these nightmares. I can’t live in fear of falling asleep, and constantly waking up bawling my eyes out. You were right mom, I can’t do it alone.”
My mom and Charlie simultaneously walk over to me, throw their arms around me, and give their love and support. I can do this, I tell myself. I have my mom and my sister right here to help me along the way, I will do this!
Chapter 12
My mom made an appointment this morning for me to see a counselor. Today is also my last day of spring break and I’m spending it in therapy, who’d have thought? Oddly enough, making some difficult decisions that put me first was actually very freeing. I feel like all these burdens that I’ve been carrying don’t need to be mine alone anymore. I have a family that is willing to help carry these burdens with me, and I feel lighter. I know Will and I need to have to have a talk eventually, but I am definitely not ready, or prepared for that, yet. One step at a time.
It feels good to get up, take a shower and get ready to go somewhere with no secrets lingering, or hiding anymore. I’m nervous as hell about going, but my mom’s assured me I will be fine. On top of seeing a therapist, who I’ll be seeing every week, but I’ll also be attending a support group. The group scares me more than the one-on-one with the therapist. I’m not very keen on sharing my story with others, especially when I had a hard enough time sharing it with those I’m closest to.
The second we arrive my stomach flops to the ground, I begin to sweat and I’m shaking like a leaf. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. Who am I kidding? I have to do this. With my decision made, a small spark of the old Tori begins to peek through. It’s small, but it’s there; I can feel it.
Wiping my hands down the front of my shorts, I look to my mom for assurance and she grabs my hand. “You’ll be fine Tori, don’t worry. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but I do think it will help.” Taking a deep breath I exit the car and walk to my destination, albeit a little slowly. I am in no rush to begin what I believe will be a torturous experience.
Standing at the door I turn to see my mom still parked, sitting in her car watching me. She gives me what I assume is a small attempt at a reassuring smile, but to me she still looks concerned and maybe a little heartbroken. Facing the door again, and taking a deep breath, I turn the knob, knowing the action will lead me back to my nightmares I’ve been so desperately trying to avoid.
One last glance back at my mom for good measure before I pass through what is sure to be the threshold of my impending doom. I shut the door behind me and stop, making no move to continue walking.
I command my feet and legs to start moving but they want to stay firmly planted to the ground.
Get a grip Tori. Okay feet, start moving!
Miraculously they become unglued and continue on to our destination. I walk up to the reception area, and as I approach, an older lady sitting behind the glass partition lifts her head, revealing a kind face.
“Hello there, do you have an appointment?”
I feel like I have cotton mouth and I can’t seem to force any words out, and barely manage a slight jerky nod of my head. I start breathing heavily and feel like I'm going to pass out. Light headed, I bend over at the waist and begin to shake all over.
I hear a voice say, “Oh dear,” and footsteps move closer to where I’m standing.
I feel hands begin to touch me and I let out a blood curdling scream, “Don’t touch me! Please God, don’t touch me.” I begin sobbing uncontrollably, and I can’t stop. This is too much, too fast.
I barely register another set of shoes in my blurry vision and the next thing I know…
I wake disoriented, feeling dizzy and not sure where I am. Attempting to sit up, I notice I'm on a rather hard coach.
“Careful, you might be dizzy, and if you get up too fast you might make yourself sick.” It’s a female voice I can’t recall. “I’m sorry, but I had to give you something to calm down. We couldn’t calm you and you wouldn’t let either one of us touch you. I’m Dr. Heart and you must be Tori?”
Barely registering a nod, I can’t help but smirk a little. Heart, how appropriate; when mine feels like it’s been shattered into a million pieces, I wonder if she can fix it.
“Why are you smirking Tori? My name? Let’s talk about that.”
Feigning confusion I ask, “What do you mean?”
“You smirked when I told you my name, why?”
I feel kind of bad for doing that, but I don’t think she’s upset with me. She seems to genuinely want to know. Taking a deep breath, and telling myself it can’t hurt to talk just a little bit, and I’m already here. I begin to speak, “Your last name is Heart and mine feels broken. I just thought how appropriate that I would come to a therapist with the last name Heart.”
She looks at me thoughtfully. “Why does your heart feel broken, Tori?”
Well shit, what do I have to lose?
I look her straight in the eye and say, “Something bad happened to me and I feel battered, bruised and broken. Not only does my heart feel broken but as a whole I feel beaten and battered.”
“How long ago did this happen to you?”
“A little over a year ago,” I tell her.
Dr. Heart looks at me and I can see wheels turning, but I have no idea what she’s going to say and ask.
“You haven’t always been feeling like this have you?”
I decide to just go with it and continue. I can do this and I’m slowly feeling a little more comfortable. She’s not looking at me like I’m crazy, in fact the opposite. She looks at me with compassion, as if she really wants to help. So I take a leap. I take a leap of faith and plunge head first into the very depths of my very broken soul.
“You see I had a date with a special guy and I needed a little courage, so I drank a little before we left. I wasn’t drunk and he never even knew I had drank anything. We went to a party. Will stepped away to get us something to drink. I was stupid and went outside to get some fresh air because I was warm. Probably from the alcohol I had digested.”
Before I can say anything else she asks, “Why do you think you didn’t tell anybody about your rape?”
I cringe at the word and have never used it. That word has never escaped my lips.
She notices the cringe, “Tori, you do realize that you were raped, righ
t? What happened to you is and will always be, rape. Without you going into any detail of that night, which we will explore, but not today, you were raped. The way you reacted in the waiting room was enough confirmation.”
I sit, listening to her say the word ‘rape’ several times with tears cascading down my face, once again. All I do is cry and I’m so sick of crying and in this moment I have an epiphany: I. Was. Raped. I’ve never been able to say the word, or admit to myself I was raped. I knew what happened to me was wrong, but I’d never said I was raped. As this begins to finally sink in, Dr. Heart begins to speak again.
“Is the reason you never told anyone you were raped, because you had a drink of alcohol prior to Will picking you up?”
I look at her and softly say, “Yes.”
“Tori, a drink of alcohol, doesn’t make this your fault. This was never your fault.”
I absorb every word Dr. Heart says and absorb it like a sponge.
“This is all we are going to explore today. I would like you to come back on Tuesday to see me, but I think it would help to go to a group session on Monday. Is that okay with you?”
“Yes,” I say. “I think it would.”
I left my first session with Dr. Heart feeling, for the first time in a long time, everything might eventually be okay. Maybe there’s hope for me, after all.
Chapter 13
My mom and I don’t talk the whole ride home, nor do we talk when we get home. I think she senses that I need the space. I will come to her when I’m ready. I head straight up to my room, my head filled with so many conflicting thoughts, like a sensory overload of some kind. There are things I need to process and they can only be processed by me. No one else can do this for me, as much as I know they wish they could.
Charlie isn’t home when we got there; she’s probably out with Maverick. I’m glad she’s enjoying her last day of spring break, she deserves to be happy, and I’ve taken enough of her time this week. I never in a million years thought this was how I would spend spring break my senior year of high school. Of course, I never thought I would have been raped, either.
Just thinking the word ‘rape’, causes chill bumps to erupt on my arms and legs. My mouth starts to get a bitter taste, and I feel frozen in fear sitting in the one place I should feel safe; my room. I lay down pulling my comforter over me and grasping at my pillow like a life line; the way I’ve done all week since I finally broke. My body starts to shake with what I now understand to be fear, and I close my eyes begging my mind to shake it off. Closing my eyes doesn’t help, it only makes things worse, and flashes begin to appear in my head, just bits and pieces. I see a flash of pearly white teeth inside a mouth with a sinister grin attached to it, and evenly matched pair of wicked eyes. For as long as I live I will never forget those eyes.
Like being controlled by a DVR remote, my flashes begin to fast forward. It stops at my fight and when I struggle to get one hand loose and slam it against the glass above my head. Roughly pulling my hand back down and holding it again in his strong grasp, he smiles his sinister grimace enjoying this more than any human being should. Then I’m fast forwarded to the moment I hear Will, calling me and I’m pleading and screaming for him to please find me. I don’t feel the slap this time because I’m rewound back to the beginning, when he first found me. I see myself standing innocently, enjoying some fresh air when I’m approached. The whole thing plays out and I can see my struggle and his fingers that dig into my arm yanking and pulling me roughly.
I throw my eyes open as understanding begins to dawn, and a new feeling begins to creep through my body as I realize something so very crucial and evident. Words begin to echo throughout my head. I couldn’t have fought him off, even if I never had anything to drink. He was way too strong. I was never going to get away from him.
I begin to cry as the guilt that I’ve carried and buried inside of me for over a year slowly starts to seep away. “It wasn’t my fault,” I declare, solely for myself. The moment those words leave my mouth I discover I need to say them to someone else. I want to scream and cry it from the rooftops. The more I say it out loud and think it, the more I’ll believe it.
I jump from my bed feeling more energy than I have felt in a very long time and run out of my room searching for my mom, “Mom, where are you?” I frantically call out.
“Tori, what’s wrong baby?”
Meeting me at the bottom of the stairs with concern written across her face, I look at her and pronounce, “It wasn’t my fault.”
Her eyes grow big as she sucks in a breath, letting it out while tears begin to trickle down. “No, baby it was never your fault; never.” Opening her arms wide open, I rush into them feeling a small weight slowly being lifted off of me. I hug her with all my might while I cry tears of relief.
“I felt so guilty mom, like it was my fault. I kept telling myself if I never drank anything, then it wouldn’t have happened. I would have been stronger, and I could have fought him off.”
My mom pulls slightly away and places a hand on each side of my face, looking straight into my eyes and says, “Tori, there is absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent the horrific things that happened to you. You just happened to be the girl that monster picked out that night. If it wasn’t you, it would have been another victim.”
Without really thinking, and with more strength I’ve had in a while, I blurt out, “Mom, I don’t want to be a victim, and I certainly don’t want to be his. I am nobody’s victim!”
Hugging me to her she whispers in my ear, “You, my girl, are a survivor, and you will get through this because you are mine and you are strong as hell. You have a fire in you that nobody can ever put out, unless you let them, and don’t ever let anyone put out your fire.”
I pull her as close to me as humanly possible, “I love you, mom.”
“Oh Tori, I love you more than you will ever know.”
Chapter 14
I have not been able to think of anything else but Tori since the day I stopped by her house.
Shit who am I kidding? She’s always on my mind.
The conversation with Tori’s mom replays over and over in my head. Watching Tori in the upstairs window with a look of complete and utter helplessness kills me inside. I toss and turn in bed wondering what I’m missing because something tells me that I’m missing something crucial.
I let out a deep sigh and wonder what I can do.
Finally giving up, I call Maverick, not caring about what time of night it is. The phone rings several times, but just when I’m about to hang up, I hear a very groggy voice.
“Hello?”
“Maverick, its Will.”
Maverick clears his throat, “What’s wrong, everything alright?”
“No, it’s not,” I sigh. “I have some things I need to talk to you about. I keep thinking about things, and nothing is making any sense, I just don’t know…”
Maverick interrupts, “Why don’t you start at the beginning.”
Because I know how Maverick feels about Charlie, I don’t ever have to worry about him judging me. He just gets it and understands completely. Taking a deep breath I lay it all out.
“Well at the lake…”
Maverick sighs and interrupts me again. “No Will, at the beginning. How about starting at the very beginning, the first date you never talk about. You’ve never spoken about that night. I’ve always wondered, and I’ve asked you but you wouldn’t tell me so I didn’t push you. What did happen?”
I take myself back to that night over a year ago.
“You know I’d been crazy about her for a while, and I’d finally gotten the balls to ask her out. I was nervous as hell like a pansy ass, but she didn’t even hesitate when I asked her, which took me completely by surprise. Like the generic lame ass person I was, I decided to take her to a party. You remember that huge party Ty had when his parent’s went out of town?” I don’t even wait for him to answer before continuing on, lost in the memory.
“I pi
cked her up and she was so excited see me. God, she was gorgeous. She had this hot short denim skirt on with a tank top that hugged her curves just right. I remember thinking how lucky I was that she would be at the party with me, and no one else. As soon as I parked at Ty’s, she tried to open up her own door. I put my hand on her bare knee to stop her, and I swear, just innocently touching her made sparks fly, at least for me they did. She just looked at me and smiled her sexy grin. I got out, walked to her side and opened her door. That smile never left her face. As soon as I shut her door, she reached over and grabbed my hand. That’s how we walked into Ty’s house, hand in hand. When we walked in, we continued holding hands and it felt like we were there as a couple. It felt amazing.”
I take a second to remember that feeling when Maverick pipes up. “What happened then? What changed? It seems like everything was going great.”
I sigh loudly and lay down on my bed. “I don’t know. I looked at Tori and asked if she was thirsty and she smiled, nodding, saying she could use a drink. I swear she wasn’t really talking about the drink. I will never forget the look in her eyes when she said that. I left her there because it was so crowded, and I went to get us both a drink. I was held up by some of the guys on the team, and when I went back, she was gone. I looked all over, I called for her everywhere, but I couldn’t find her. I guess it was maybe, I don’t know thirty minutes later when I saw a truck door open in the back by the bon fire. All I know is when that door swung open, she was sitting there. Shocked, I quickly spun around and immediately walked away. I never went back. I figured she’d find her own ride home and didn’t need me. I guess I read too much into how I thought she was feeling about me.”
As I lay there thinking, Maverick begins to speak, “Wow, I couldn’t even begin to imagine how I would feel if I was in your position. I can’t imagine what I would’ve done if it were me and Charlie and I’d seen her get out of some dude’s truck. I know that it would have killed me to see that. I’m sorry bro. Why didn’t you ever say anything to me?”
Heartstrings Page 5
