That’s a good question, I tell myself. The only explanation I have is I guess I was embarrassed and I kind of wanted to forget about it and pretend it didn’t happen. The sad thing is, I will never forget that. It felt like my insides were being ripped in two.
“I don’t know Maverick, I guess I was ashamed.”
Maverick doesn’t say anything for at least a minute and we sit there in silence. “Dude, you had nothing to be ashamed about, but the thing I don’t understand is that I saw how crazy Tori was about you, and what you saw doesn’t make any sense. You know she’s not like that. She’s never been that kind of girl. But I can see how you felt that way, I’m sorry man.”
“It’s just that none of this makes any sense. I felt deep down that we were on the same page, at least I thought we were.” Shaking my head to clear it I say, “I just don’t get it.”
“I talked to Charlie, Will, and I know that Tori seems to be going through something but she said it wasn’t her place to tell me. Tori’s tough, so whatever it is, it doesn’t sound good. I know you still care about her, I can see it every time you see her. You do still like her a lot, right?”
I don't even have to think about it. And it’s not just like, and hasn’t been for a long time. “I never stopped caring about her and wanting her. Just being around her causes every feeling I’ve ever had for her to come roaring back. Even after seeing her come out of that shittin ass truck, my feelings never changed. I’m a glutton for punishment, aren’t I?”
“No Will, you love her. People make mistakes all the time, but that doesn’t mean you stop loving them. You really need to talk to her about it, if you want to entertain the idea of being with her.”
“I tried; I went over to her house.” I tell Maverick about the conversation with her mom.
“I know I need to talk to her. I guess I’ll see if she’s willing to talk to me at school on Monday.”
I thank Maverick for being a good friend, for talking to me in the middle of the night, and for listening. I lay in bed after hanging up, just thinking. It feels good to have talked to him about all of this, now to do something about it and talk to Tori. If she’ll talk to me, anyway.
Chapter 15
Monday morning came way too soon. My nightmares are still here but I’m beginning to manage them a little better. My mom gives me the go ahead to stay at home, but I decide to go to school. I feel this deep need to keep things as normal as possible, and stay on a regular schedule. However, the thought of seeing Will not only terrifies me, but my stomach does flip flops anticipating being near him again. It’s strange how you can feel fear and anticipation at the same time.
I have a group session today after school, my first one. I’m extremely nervous but mom, Charlie and I have been talking about it. They think that by hearing others talk about their own experiences will help me. I don’t know, I’m undecided.
I come down the stairs to hear Charlie and my mom whispering. Unfortunately, eaves dropping doesn’t do a bit of good because I can’t hear a thing. I stand in the foyer and stare at myself in the mirror. So many things start moving through my mind.
Will anyone know? Do I look any different?
I think the thought that scares me most of all, is how is Will going to act towards me? I know that this past week has changed everything and I can’t bear to have him look at me different. Staring at myself, I don’t seem any different, but my eyes look tired, and they have dark circles under them even makeup can’t hide.
I hope and pray I can do this without causing a huge scene, and I can at least act like the old Tori.
I barely register Charlie’s reflection come up behind me in the mirror, when she asks, “Are you okay? Are you sure that you are ready for this?”
Not wanting to alert my mom, I turn to her and quietly say, “Honestly, no, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. If I don’t dive in, head first, and do this, I don’t think I ever will. We only have a month and a half left, right?”
I’ve been going to school since I was raped--the word itself igniting goose bumps to chill me all over, making me shiver.
But since I’ve begun to come to grips with my reality and everything is out in the open with my family, in my head it feels like going to school right after it happened. It feels fresh, and raw. I can’t explain it. It’s like being raped all over again. As I replay the last statement in my head, I realize it’s true.
“You ready to go?” Charlie asks me.
I snort, “Sure. Let’s do it and get it over with.”
The moment we get in her Jeep and she starts driving she asks, “I know this is a very sore subject, T, but when are you going to tell Will?”
Sadness takes over and crashes through my entire being. I glance over at Charlie, “I know I’m not ready for that just yet. I’ve just now come to grips with what’s happened to me.”
She quickly glances at me with a look of understanding.
Continuing on I say, “I know he probably thinks I’m crazy as a loon now, considering how I’ve reacted and everything.”
Charlie sighs and says, “No T, I think you will be surprised. Will’s not the kind of guy to be scared off easily.” Quietly she says, “I think he cares about you more than you realize.”
A thought quickly runs through my head. “If that were true, wouldn’t he have talked to me after that night? At least asked me what happened?”
As we pull into the school parking lot, I feel my courage begin to quickly slip and start to rethink this going to school thing.
“I don’t know if I can do this Charlie.”
She grabs my hand, squeezing it, not realizing what that small amount of simple comfort does for me; giving me just a little bit of her strength.
“Tori you don’t have to, you can stay home, even for another week.”
I realize no, I can’t. I have to do this impossibly hard thing for me. I have to put a brave face on and go in there. Hiding at home and not speaking to anyone isn’t going to help me at all.
“I got this Char,” I say.
Taking the biggest breath I swear I’ve ever breathed and pasting a small smile on my face, I look at her. “Okay, let’s do this.”
I open the door and slowly close it, prodding my feet and legs to move forward. Oddly enough, they do. I meet Charlie at the tail end of the Jeep and she loops her arm through mine.
Glancing around I ask, “Where’s Maverick? He’s never not here standing at his car waiting for you.”
“Um, I thought this was something we needed to do together.”
I glance at her nervously as she rushes out, “No T, I didn’t tell him. I just said that you and I needed some time before school started and he didn’t press. He said he would see me later.”
I glance at my best friend who’s become a sister in every way that matters and I can’t help but feel so grateful to have her in my life.
As we trudge forward and near the senior lounge we begin to see students and classmates talking amongst themselves. I begin feeling nervous and scared, and my steps begin to falter, and then I see Will. He’s surrounded by several of his fellow football players, and Maverick.
As if sensing me standing there, he looks up and our eyes catch. A look of indecision crosses his face, but he decides to walk over.
“Are you going to be okay?” Charlie asks.
“Yes, I am, I need to talk to him. Not about the ‘other thing’, but he and I still need to talk. I can’t ignore him forever.”
“Okay if you’re sure. I’ll go and see Maverick then. If you need me, just signal and I’ll come right over.”
I don’t get a chance to thank her before Will’s standing in front of me. She gives my arm a squeeze, and walks over to Maverick. I watch as his eyes light up when he sees her and wraps his arms around her waist, pulling her to him, then kissing her sweetly.
I turn to look at Will seeing a very similar look in his eyes, but mixed with something else.
“Hey, can we talk for a mi
nute?” he asks.
“Yeah, sure.” I say and follow him out to a quiet place in the courtyard.
As we stop, he turns to me and looks at me intently.
So many emotions swirl around, and inside me. I glance up and look directly into his face. A face I could have once lost myself in, and stared at for hours.
He clears his throat. “I came by, did your mom tell you?”
I nod my head and force words to come out. This is so much harder than I thought it would be. “She did.”
“'I've been worried about you Tori, are you okay?”
I think hard before I answer, “I will be. I’m not yet, but I will be, eventually.”
He lightly nods and turns his head to the side looking somewhere past me.
Finally turning back and looking me straight in the eyes, he asks the one question I’m dreading and know deep down is coming. “What happened?”
Forcing myself to breathe in and out and not go nutzoid on him I murmur, “I can’t tell you yet.” I turn my head away and look out at nothing in particular. I can’t say this and look at him just yet. “I want to, I really do, but I’m not ready yet.”
After a few moments he abruptly speaks, “Tori, please look at me.” I hear the pleading in his voice and it breaks my heart, so I give him that. I turn my head and stare into the very depths of those deep green eyes that caught my attention so long ago.
He lifts his hand up to place it on my cheek, but thinking better of it, he lowers it back down. The funny thing is, I didn’t flinch. It’s Will, and I know he would never hurt me. The truth of this causes something inside me to loosen, and I feel a bit triumphant.
Sighing he says, “Did your mom give you my message?”
I know what he’s talking about and I’d give anything to hear him actually say words to me.
“She did.”
“I just want, no I need you to know that I mean it and…”
Before he can finish, I surprise even myself when I say, “Say them to me, please.”
His eyes grow wide then soften. Walking a little closer to me he asks, “Is this okay?”
I feel like an emotional basket case, and my heart is beating so fast at his nearness. It’s scary, but I’m not scared. His kindness and tenderness towards me makes me feel cherished in a small way, and I simply nod.
He’s whisper close when he says, “I’ve never stopped caring about you, not even from a distance.”
I close my eyes, as tears begin to trickle slowly down my face. I never thought I would hear these words come out of his mouth, and I allow them to sink into the very center of me. I’ve felt such guilt and shame I didn’t think I deserved to hear anything like this, ever again. I open my eyes to see a tender look on his face, meant only for me.
“Thank you. Will, I needed to hear that.” I don’t know what to say to let him know I care, but I do something so shocking and unexpected, even to me. I take my right hand and place it lightly on his cheek, just to feel something good. He leans into my palm and closes his eyes, doing things to my heart.
My heart actually begins to beat again. Not in fear like I’ve been so used to, but for life. It beats because this guy, who’s been so patient with me, still cares. But the most terrifying part is, I realize I want him too.
The bell rings and Will’s eyes open. We stand there for just a moment longer staring at each other before pulling apart. Throwing me a lop-sided grin he asks, “Can I walk you to your class?”
“I’d like that.” I smile back.
We walk in silence to my class, but before walking in, I turn to him and promise, “We’ll talk later.”
He smiles that hopeful grin and jams his hands into his front pockets as he begins to back away, all the while watching me walk in. I can still see him when I take my seat.
He pulls one hand out and gives me a little wave and a smile before walking to his class.
I sit and contemplate the time he and I talked, or just stood there, more accurately. I can’t squelch the fear that begins to creep in as I sit thinking this is all fine and dandy, but what happens when I do tell him? Will he see me as used and damaged? He’s a good guy, too good for me actually. Doesn’t he deserve to be with someone who doesn’t have all the emotional garbage I have? Someone he doesn’t have to ask permission to move closer, or even touch?
The teacher begins talking, cutting off all of my thoughts and I decide to quit worrying and focus on school.
Yeah right, school. Because that’ll be easy.
Chapter 16
Walking to my class is harder than hell. I want nothing more than to grab her and hold her. I want to tell her that whatever is hurting her I can help. I honestly don’t think there’s anything that would make me not want her.
I reach my class a little late and sit down in my seat across from Maverick, who has an eyebrow raised at me in question. I just nod my head at him and face forward.
I hate the tortured looks that cross her face. Walking over to her when I first saw her this morning, I knew I had to talk to her. It hurt when she said she couldn’t talk to me and tell me what was going on, but I won’t let this deter me. I have a gut feeling she will eventually explain, I just have to be patient.
When she asked me to tell her I cared about her, it took everything in me not to pull her close to me. I knew I couldn’t, but God I wanted to. I could sense she needed to hear it, but until that moment, I didn’t know what effect my words would physically have on her. Watching her close her eyes as she absorbed them completely was nearly my undoing, until I saw the tears. The tears practically killed me.
I could see the courage it took her to reach out and place her palm on my face. There aren’t even enough words for me to describe how her touch affected me. I swear I felt a shiver run through my body, down to my toes.
Lord that smile. I saw a small smile appear on her face, and it was the first genuine one I’d seen in a long while reach her eyes, and I didn’t want to look away. I had to force myself to turn around and walk across the hall to class.
I know, whatever I do, I have to tread carefully. Seeing that smile and feeling her touch and hearing her words is enough to instill a glimmer of hope.
I glance over at Maverick. He turns and looks at me, throwing that same damn eyebrow up again. I should tell him if he doesn’t quit that shit, his eyebrow’s going to be stuck like that. The thought causes me to chuckle quietly and shake my head.
“Anything you’d like to share with the rest of the class, Will?”
Straightening up and getting rid of any trace of a smirk, I clear my throat by saying, “No, sorry, Ms. Turner.”
She glares at me before turning around and I decide I’d better get my head screwed on straight and quit thinking about Tori, which proves to be an extremely impossible task.
Chapter 17
Thankfully the day passes rather quickly, and uneventfully. My feelings of concern dissolve away the later the day goes on. I think of Will several times and see him passing by. At one point, Charlie and I stop at her locker and Will and Maverick show up. Will and I didn’t speak; there wasn’t anything to say. We said everything we needed to, but there were looks; lots of them. The intense looks written across his face every time he looks my way is enough. It is a comfortable silence between us.
The anxiety of my group meeting this afternoon keeps my mind wondering. I’m not sure what to expect and feel concerned about the prospect of having to spill my guts. Especially since I have just come to terms with it myself. I feel like a jumble of nerves, like I have a million butterflies swarming around.
Charlie and I walk out to the parking lot to her Jeep.
“How did you feel about today, T?” Charlie asks.
“It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Nobody looked at me like I had the scarlet letter or anything stamped across my chest, thank God.”
Charlie can’t help but giggle. “Did you really think people were going to think something?”
; “I don’t know, I just came to grips with this myself, ya know? I don’t know how to explain it.”
She throws her arm around my shoulders and lightly squeezes it. “I think I kind of get it. I was afraid people would know how I’d been treated by my dad. I didn’t want you to know, or anyone else for that matter. I was so afraid of what anyone would think. I know it’s not the same thing, but I get it.” We continue in silence until we reach the Jeep and get in. “I’ll drop you off and wait outside until your session is over. I can do my homework in the Jeep while you’re inside.”
“You sure? I can have mom pick me up. You don’t have to wait on me.”
“I’ll be fine and you may need me when you’re done, unless you want your mom instead?”
“Nope, I would love if you’d wait for me.”
“Cool.” She says with a pleased smile across her face.
We arrive at a large church where the group sessions are held. I glance at Charlie, “Well I guess this doesn’t look too scary.”
Grabbing my hand and squeezing it she says, “No, you will be fine. I don’t doubt it’ll be hard, but you will be fine; I swear.”
Feeling her confidence in me strengthens me, and taking a deep breath, I say, “Okay, here goes nothing.” I walk towards the church looming ahead, getting bigger the closer I get. I will myself to open the doors working to keep my breathing steady and not wanting to react the way I did at my first session with Dr. Heart; otherwise, this could be humiliating.
Moving entirely inside, I see a laminated piece of paper reading:
GROUP SESSION/RAPE SURVIVORS
Huh, I think to myself, well isn’t that just dandy. At least there’s no question where I’m supposed to go. I find myself clenching and unclenching my fists. I pull the door open and it creaks, not quietly either. It’s loud enough to gain attention from several people who are scattered about the room. I look around and notice a podium table that says ‘sign in’ here. So that’s what I do; I walk over and sign in. I’m unsure what I’m supposed to do next; so I stand there, waiting.
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