Heartstrings

by Heather Gunter

  Chapter 36

  I pull Tori to her feet and ask if we can talk. God, I hate doing this, especially when we were having a great time. She finally seems happy and here I am about to ruin the whole evening. I know she can sense my sudden unease and she’s hesitant, but she still takes my hand, following me outside to the porch swing. I shut the door behind us and follow her to the swing, sitting beside her.

  “Will, you’re kinda freaking me out a bit. What’s going on?”

  God, where do I start?

  “There’s something I have to tell you. Something I’ve been scared to tell you, but I don’t want any secrets between us. I want us to have an open and honest relationship and I can’t do that unless I’m completely honest with you.”

  “Way to start off the conversation, Will, you succeeded in scaring me.”

  “I know, fuck. I don’t know how to say it and I’m screwing it up.”

  “Please, just say it,” Tori pleads.

  I hate seeing her upset knowing I’ve caused it. One minute she’s laughing her ass off and the next I’ve upset her. I hold her gaze she can see the absolute truth in my words. “Please know that I love you. I’ve never loved anyone else, only you. It’s always been you.” I sigh and begin, “That night at the party we went to, I saw you.”

  “What do you mean you saw me? How could you have seen me? I was in that damn truck.”

  Shame fills me, “When I’d been looking for you, I saw you sitting in the truck and the door was wide open. I saw you and promptly turned around and left.”

  Her voice quivers, “What do you mean you left? If you saw me why would you leave?”

  I don’t say anything for a few seconds and I see recognition sink in and she gets it. “You thought I willingly had sex with him?” Her eyes get misty and the seal breaks as tears finally begin to fall. “You honestly thought I was the kind of girl that would show up at a party with a guy she’s liked for so long and leave with another to have sex?”

  Filled with shame, I look away. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I just saw you in the truck and I left. I was upset and thought maybe I liked you more than you liked me and…” I can’t finish, because the more I talk, the more I sound like an asshole. “I’m so sorry Tori, I…”

  Cutting me off, “If you’d waited around long enough, you would have seen him push my ass out the door to land on the ground like a piece of garbage because he was done with me. He even dismissed me, saying I could now go. If you had waited just a few more seconds and you would have seen it.”

  God, what have I done? I begin to scoot closer to her, but she moves out of my reach and stands up. “Tori, I love you so much and I’m sorry I was such a fucking idiot. I didn’t think. I couldn’t keep this from you any longer and I should have told you sooner.”

  With anger I’ve never seen aimed at me, and tears I haven’t seen since the night at the lake she seethes, “You’re damn right you should have. I can’t believe the guy I thought I knew and loved thought so little of me. Will you need to leave; I need you to go, now!”

  I’ve never openly cried, but I can’t stop the tears that slip down my face, and I don’t bother to hide them. “I’m sorry, Tori; I know I fucked up. If I could change it I would, I swear to God I would.” I turn and leave, respecting her request. The further I walk away from her, the more I feel I’ve lost her and I can’t blame it on anyone but myself, not this time. No, this time it’s all on me.

  Chapter 37

  With tears streaking down my face, I watch Will leave. He looks back once with pain and remorse carved on his face, then turns back towards his truck and leaves. I’m not sure how long I stay outside before Charlie comes to check on me.

  “Tori, are you still out here?” She spots me crying and sits down beside me, comforting me. “What’s wrong, and where’s Will? Why did he leave?”

  Struggling to pull myself together because I can’t fall apart again, I tell myself to be strong and I tell her what he told me. It’s clear she didn’t know and she is genuinely shocked just as I am. We walk into the house and I drop on the couch, literally spent and exhausted. I feel I’ve run out of tears and honestly, I don’t want to cry anymore.

  Charlie sits in the chair across from me and shakes her head as she says, “Wow, I didn’t see that coming. I just can’t believe it.”

  I feel so lost at this point. Will is such a huge part of my life and support system. I love him. “How could he have thought I would do that? I’ve never given him any indication that I was even like that. Why?” My mind is completely boggled and I can’t seem to make any sense of it.

  “How did he seem afterwards?” Charlie asks.

  “Like an ass, of course. He felt really bad, as he should.” I feel tears begin to threaten all over again. Apparently, I’m not out of tears after all.

  “I know you’re trying to be strong and think you’re weak if you let them fall, but you’re not weak. You’re allowed to be upset, Tori.” She knows me so well. I don’t doubt she speaks from personal experience. She comes to sit, cross-legged, next to me. “What are you going to do?”

  “I haven’t even thought about it that far, yet.” I look at her, “I can’t be with someone who thinks so low of me. How am I supposed to get past this?” I am absolutely defeated.

  “I think you shouldn’t make any rash decisions just yet.”

  “This was more than I bargained for right now, and I have to focus on me.” A couple tears make their way down my cheek and I harshly wipe them away. Despite Charlie’s reassurances, I feel weak for letting them escape.

  “You’re strong T, stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know we keep telling you, but you are. And I’ll keep telling you until you finally believe it.”

  “How did this day go from awesome to shitastic in a nano second?” I ask shaking my head. “I mean one moment we’re laughing and singing having a great time and in the next…”

  “I’m sorry, I really am. Can I say something without you biting my head off?” She asks tentatively.

  “Um yeah,” I say wearily.

  “Remember Maverick after his accident, and how stupid he was to push me away?”

  “How could I forget Char? He was a douche-bag and I had to knock some sense into him.”

  “If there’s one thing I learned from that experience it’s that guys are just stupid sometimes and do the most idiotic things.”

  I open my mouth to interrupt her, but she throws her hand up shushing me. “I’m not discounting what he did, and yeah, you should be pissed; I’m pissed. Just remember he’s probably beating himself up about his stupidity, too.”

  I take a moment to consider her words, but it hurts to think about it anymore tonight. My brain needs a break.

  “I’ll think about it, but not tonight, I need to go to bed.”

  She throws her arm around me gives me a hug. “Night, T.”

  “Night babe, love ya,” I say as I start up the stairs to my room.

  I hear her holler, “Love ya back.”

  Once I’m in my room, I waste no time changing into my pajamas and get ready for bed. I see my cell phone sitting on the table by the bed with a light flashing, signaling I have a message. I grab it and notice the message is from Will. Apparently, I must enjoy torture because I decide to listen to it.

  Tori, I’m… I’m so sorry. Please believe me. I love you so much and I hope you can forgive me. I didn’t want to have any secrets between us, and even though I knew it would hurt you, I took the chance because…SHIT. I’m saying this all wrong…I just want you to know I’ll always be here for you. I’ll always love you. I’ve loved you for so long, longer than you think, way before we were ever together. I need you to know I didn’t intend to hurt you, but you needed to know. I know you’re not that kind of girl; I don’t know why it was my first thought. Please know I’m just…sorry. I hope you can find a way to forgive me, I really do. I love you, Tori.

  By the end of the message, I’m a weepy mess
. I lay down and listen to it again.

  Now I know I like personal punishment.

  I finally lay my phone down and yank the covers up, giving myself over to sleep with tear filled eyes. It takes several minutes, my mind wandering, but I finally let go. The last image that runs through my head is Will; it’s always Will.

  Chapter 38

  I knew it would be bad.

  Shit!

  I call Maverick and tell him how it went, which obviously isn’t well. He tries, he really does but there isn’t anything to be said to make me feel better. I decide the only thing that’s going to make me feel better is knowing we’ve gotten rid of that bastard. I tell Maverick I’m picking him up without giving him a choice.

  On my way to Maverick’s, I leave Tori a message, but I know I need to give her time. I have to remind myself constantly.

  Time. She just needs time.

  Maverick is waiting for me outside when I pull into his driveway. Getting in he scoffs, “Damn Will, I know you’re upset, but I need my beauty sleep.”

  I throw him a semi-smirk but then he says, “Charlie called me.”

  This can only mean one thing: Tori spoke to Charlie. I knew she would but… Hell, I don’t know what I thought. “And? Does she hate me, too?”

  “You know she doesn’t have it in her to hate you. She can’t even hate her own parents. No, she’s pissed you thought that about Tori, but she did talk to Tori.”

  I’m not sure if this is a good, or a bad, thing.

  Attempting to clear my throat of my nervousness I ask, “Oh, and what did she tell her?”

  “She called you stupid and idiotic, but the conversation was in your favor.”

  “How can calling me stupid and idiotic be in my favor?” This I’ve got to hear.

  “She said sometimes guys do stupid and idiotic things, and we don’t know why. But, Charlie also said she was sure you didn’t really think Tori would just hop in a truck with someone else, after starting the evening with you. Hence, we do stupid and idiotic things. She also brought up how I acted after my accident and pushed her away. As if I want to ever be reminded about that. She does have a point, you know. I’m not even offended because she’s right,” he says with a snort. “Where are we going by the way?”

  “I thought we might ride by Ashley’s house and see if she has ‘company’.”

  Maverick agrees, “Dude, not a bad idea. It can’t hurt.”

  “You never know. I figure if we see a truck in the driveway, we can narrow it down. Her dad may have a truck, but I know the truck we’re looking for is an older model.”

  Shocked to hear this tidbit of information he asks, “How do you know that?”

  I sigh loudly.

  “Will, I already know what happened, you need to just tell me. You know I will never say anything. I’m helping you look for the douche-bag, so I need to know.”

  I’m not worried about him saying anything; rather, it’s about Tori’s privacy, and what she may, or may not, want him to know. I decide to be as vague as possible. “Tori’s hands were held above her head.” Anger surges through me as I finish, “They dug into the window handle.”

  Maverick turns, anger reverberating off him, “Just so you know, we are taking turns with that sick son-of-a-bitch.”

  “Yeah, I figured you’d want to. Okay, I’m just going to drive by slowly,” I say. "Keep an eye out so no one thinks we’re a couple of perverts on a stroll.”

  We drive by and there’s only a single light on in a room. The house is quiet, and nope, no truck to be seen.

  “Well that blows,” Maverick says.

  “We aren’t stopping until he’s caught. I have to do this, if only for Tori’s peace of mind.”

  We get out of dodge and Maverick says, “You know she can’t be mad at you forever. You’ve been through so much together and I know she loves you. Hell anybody around you can tell. It’s sickening.”

  “Holy shit Mav.” I say, using Charlie’s pet name in a girly tone. “You’re one to talk. Are you kidding? Watching you two made me want to throw up. How do you think Tori and I felt all these months? God, it was awful.” I shiver for added effect.

  Maverick throws his head back laughing, “Yeah, yeah. I get what you’re saying. But bro, really, you can tell she cares and that doesn’t go away easily, and definitely not overnight.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  I drop Maverick at home, thanking him. I went from being upset, hurt and pissed at myself to feeling slightly better, thanks to Maverick. If she can’t forgive me right now then that’s fine, but I sure as hell am not giving up easily. Hell no.

  Chapter 39

  The last couple of days before my weekend begins I avoid Will like the plague at school, as best I can anyway. Obviously, I can’t completely stay away, but despite my efforts to avoid all eye contact, my eyes betray me. I see yearning etched on his face, and I’m sure my expression mirrors his. When we arrive at school I want so desperately to go up to him and say I forgive you and I love you. But it’s still too raw and I’m just not there, yet. I already miss the hand holding. That seemingly inconsequential touch gives me just enough courage to make it through the day. I’ve come to rely on him and it, maybe too much. I would give anything to forget last night’s conversation, just pretend it never happened, but I can’t.

  The bitches, especially Ashley, notice the tension between Will and me. I catch her smirking, and I try to pretend it doesn’t bother me. But I have a hard time not showing my feelings and placing them on display on my shoulder. You’d be blind not to see it. I notice her giving Will the ‘eyes’ several times throughout the day. I even had to stop myself once from going over and clawing her eyes out. The topper on the cake was when she walked over to him, but caught my attention first and gave me an “it’s my turn, now” look. I swear, to all that is holy, it took everything in me to hold myself back. That time I needed Charlie. Actually, I think Charlie would’ve been happy to join me in the ass-kicking, if it hadn’t been for Maverick shaking his head no. The whole scene would have been comical on any other day. Not today though, clearly. Although, I could tell Maverick was doing everything possible to reign in the smile trying to force itself out. What can I say? The bitch brings out the ‘bitch’ in me.

  Charlie decides to stay in with me tonight and tomorrow. She says something about the guys having plans with the team, but Maverick and she have plans all day Sunday. I think she feels sorry for me, but I’m trying not to spend too much time over-analyzing it; I’m just enjoying the time with my best friend, trying to forget. The plan is to hang out at home vegging out and watching movies all day.

  Finally, the school day comes to a close, and I can’t get out of there fast enough. Charlie and I are walking out together when Ashley decides to join us.

  Really? Is she asking for punishment?

  While I try my best to pretend she’s invisible, I see Charlie glance over at her with a confused look on her face, “Um, Ashley are you needing something?”

  With the snarkiest of looks she chirps, “No, I just wanted to ask what you did to lose Will already.”

  “Are you kidding me, Ashley?” I stop dead. “Why do you have to be such a bitch?”

  “Well y’all didn’t last long, and I’m thinking of going for him myself. My other guy may not work out.”

  “Yeah, cause he’s a winner.” I can’t help but mutter.

  “Whatever,” Ashley says. “I may just have both.”

  I know damn well Will can’t stand her. “Give it your best shot, Ashley. Really, I wish you luck,” I snark back.

  She takes this as a challenge because her eyes get big and begin to sparkle. “Watch me, Tori. Just you wait; I’ll have him all over me before you know it.”

  OMG, I’ve created a monster! I so want to slap her.

  I know Will isn’t in to her, but still it causes my stomach to do flip-flops. I’m always going to have that ‘what if’ feeling in the pit of my stomach.

&nb
sp; “Go, Ashley. Get the hell away and find someone else to bug,” Charlie bites at her.

  I see her mosey her way over to Will. He glances up at her and they strike up a conversation.

  Charlie nudges me in the shoulder. “Ignore her, T, remember this is Will we’re talking about.”

  I nudge her back and sigh, “Yeah, I know.”

  We stop at the grocery store on the way home, loading up on enough junk food to last the entire weekend and stop for movies.

  That is how we spend our Friday night. All junked out on food, watching movies that make us laugh and cry the entire night.

  Chapter 40

  The last couple of days have been hell. Seeing Tori at school and not talking to her sucks some major ass. I wanted to, trust me. Several times I was tempted to walk over to her, but stayed away. I know she needs time. I just wish she knew how terribly sorry I am. I want so desperately to hold her. I didn’t miss the look of disdain on Tori’s face when Ashley decided to torment her by talking to me. At least I know she isn’t completely over me, and her irritation gives me some hope, as sick as that sounds. Hope that maybe, just maybe, she can get past this.

  Maverick and I spend Friday night with the guys, something we always do as it gets closer to the end of school. The team gets together and we hang for the whole weekend being stupid. Normally, girlfriends are invited but Charlie, being the good friend she is, didn’t want to leave Tori alone. Charlie doesn’t know how much I appreciate it; I hate the thought of Tori being home alone.

  If Charlie had been with us Friday night she would’ve been pissed as hell. Ashley’s advances were insane. Charlie would have, without a doubt, clawed that girl’s eyes out. In fact, I had to take Ashley aside and tell her where I stood. It was a pretty simple conversation: “I love Tori, and I’m not over her, not by a long shot. You need to back the hell off.” She just fluttered and batted her eyes and moved on to the next guy. Ty was all over her. I even got a thumbs up from him as he was smiling like a fool. I walked away smiling and knowing that at least I was safe for the rest of the evening from her craziness. I left when Maverick did. It just wasn’t fun without Charlie and Tori. Yeah, I know I’m holding on to some major faith.