“He must be out there handling those niggas, with his stupid ass.”
“Stupid ass? What’s wrong with him wanting to get at those niggas?” Dina questioned confused.
Ryan took a deep breath. “Dina, what usually happens when somebody get killed in the game?”
“Their people handle the murderers unless they're some cowards.”
“Okay, so what do you think will happen once De-De kills those niggas?”
“They come back even harder.” Dina realized Ryan’s point as she finished her statement. “I mean, I feel you, but what do you expect your man to do? Should he just let those niggas keep living like it’s all good?”
She hunched her shoulders. “I don’t know, but I’m tired. I can’t live like this no more. I got fucking bullet holes in my body. I mean, am I supposed to get past this shit and bring up some kids with this nigga?”
“This nigga?” Dina repeated. “Is that how you feeling? I mean, I know that you just took three for the man, but we both know that if he could’ve taken those bullets for you; he would have. It’s damn near sounding like you aint fucking with him like that, but that would be mighty strange seeing as how I didn’t hear you complaining when you were spending this nigga’s money.”
If Dina didn’t believe in shit else, she believed in loyalty. She’d been there from the beginning so she’d witness Desmond taking care of her cousin. She actually wanted a man just like him. They weren’t naïve and knew what could happen in his line of work, so now that the worse had happened Ryan was flaking. Dina couldn’t get with that.
“Dina, you of all people know how much I love Desmond. I could care less about the money he got. This aint got shit to do with that. We can try to sweep the shit under the rug, but the fact still remains that he has killed people. He lives a dangerous life and every day that I’m with him I am a part of that, whether I like it or not. Until now, I always thought that I could hang, but this shit is too much for me. And I bet you that if I asked him to walk away from the game he’d tell me no.”
Dina shrugged. “Well, they say that closed mouths don’t get fed.”
******
Bryan’s funeral was trying for everyone. Ryan had cried herself out days before so she wasn’t as irate as people had anticipated. But their mother came and lost it. She broke down and had to be carried out. Ryan just rolled her eyes knowing that her mama couldn’t put the pipe down to ever really be a parent for them.
Desmond sat stone faced as Gucci frames shielded his eyes. He’d cried plenty in private, but he wanted to remain strong in front of everyone else. He took little satisfaction in knowing that he’d killed Bone and his boys. He now realized that nothing could ease the pain of losing his best friend. He sat next to Ryan in the pews, holding her hand. She seemed very distant, but he figured she had her reasons; and together they’d get through it all.
“I’ll be right back.” Desmond told one of Bryan’s cousins as they stood chatting. He’d rented a hall to have dinner after the funeral. He was actually surprised to see their entire family and plenty of friends travel to Louisiana to pay their final respects. Bryan was truly loved by many, and it was only right that Desmond provide them with a place to congregate.
He walked over to Ryan who was standing off by herself. He’d seen several people try to approach her and talk, but she’d sent them all away. “Baby, you good over here?” he asked her with concern.
“Yeah.” She sighed. “Look, we need to talk.”
“Okay.” He nodded. “Do you want to step outside?”
“Yeah.” She grabbed his hand and pulled. He allowed her to guide him out of the building, realizing that it had been a while since she’d initiated them touching.
“What’s up, baby?” he asked once they were outside, away from others.
“Okay.” She breathed. “Let me get straight to the point. I want you to stop selling crack.”
He smiled. “Baby girl, it’s been a minute since a nigga actually sold crack.”
“You know what I mean. I want you to leave the game alone. No more selling coke. No more driving up and down I-10, copping. And no more killing.”
“So, so, so, what, you just want me to walk away right now?” he stuttered.
“Yeah.” She folded her arms.
His throat was suddenly dry. He needed some water. “Baby, shit like that takes time. I got money tied up and shit, I mean, how would we eat?”
“We’d find a way. Fuck the house and the cars. We can just start over, fresh.”
He swallowed hard. “Okay, just, just, give me a couple of months. Then I’ll do it.”
She shook her head. “No, it’s now or nothing.”
“What?” he lowered his eyes and glared at her. “So, what are you saying, Ryan?”
“I just said it.”
He studied her to see if she was serious.
“Baby, look, let’s just see everybody off and talk about this later.”
“No, Desmond, I…”
“De-De.” Flip interrupted. “Let me holla at you, bruh.”
“Alright.” Desmond nodded. He glanced at Ryan. “Baby, give me a minute.”
Before she could say another word he and Flip walked out into the parking lot. She shook her head in frustration, before whipping out her cell. “Auntie, I need you to do what I asked.” She said as silent tears slid down her face.
“Are you sure?” Vanity asked.
“Yeah. I’m positive.” She cried. “Please just do this for me.”
******
Desmond was running himself ragged. Even with the chaos going on in his life, there was still business that had to be handled. After leaving the hall he’d made several stops trying to get things in order. He knew that there were several things that he and Ryan had yet to discuss. As much as he wasn’t looking forward to the deep conversation he understood that he couldn’t avoid the inevitable.
He entered their hotel room and found it empty. Her clothes were gone. He headed to her cousins’ rooms and found that they all had checked out. “What the fuck is going on?” He mumbled to himself.
There was only one other place where they all could be, and he was pissed that she hadn’t called to tell him that she’d gone home. So, he called her cell as he headed back to his car. She didn’t answer. He tossed his cell in the passenger’s seat as he drove to his house.
When he pulled up to their home, he was surprised to find that her car was the only one in the driveway. He thought for sure that the rest of her family would be there as well. He shrugged it off as he made his way into his house.
“Ay, Ryan.” He called out to her as he entered their living room. He didn’t see her so he headed to their room. “Ryan, baby.” She wasn’t there either and something was definitely off about the room. The drawers were all open and the closet was wide open.
He walked over to the dresser and found several drawers completely empty. He stormed over to the closet and found that all the clothes on her side were gone. His hands trembled as he reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell. He frantically dialed her number. The voicemail picked up, telling him that she’d turned her phone off.
He aimlessly searched the house and realized that she took all her personal belongings down to her hygiene products in the bathroom. He stepped into the kitchen and noticed a yellow sheet of paper on the fridge with his name on it. He snatched it off the ice box and slowly read as his mouth fell open.
Desmond,
You know that I love you, right? I would never try to intentionally hurt you. For so very long you were my hero. It was like you came into my world and gave it meaning, but then the fairytale I was living in came to an abrupt halt. My eyes are wide open now. I see things for what they are. You are knee deep in the game and it’s not easy for you to walk away. I really can’t blame you for not wanting to be broke again. The thing is that I can’t live like this anymore. Losing my twin brother was an eye opener like no other. Nothing we do will bring him back. J
ust so you know, I don’t blame you. I know that you and Bryan did everything together and I’m sure that he played a hand in the shit that caused those dudes to get at us. It was really bad judgment calls on all our parts. We were terribly misguided and only did what we knew. Now I know better and pray to God that one day you will too. So, now I have to leave. I hope you understand and if you really love me, you’ll let me move on in peace.
Love You Always,
Ryan
Desmond stood stunned. Never in a million years did he think that Ryan would just up and leave him. They were supposed to always be there for one another. No matter how rough shit got, he would never leave her. She had to know that her leaving would crush him.
His legs felt weak underneath him, so he sat down on the floor. He stared at the walls trying to gather his composure. He felt like he was about to lose his mind. How the fuck did she expect him to let her go? He thought about it, and it was just something he refused to do.
Chapter 5
Six Years Later…
The alarm clock was blaring, indicating that it was five in the morning. Ryan hated that sound. It meant that it was time to get her day started. “Fuck.” She mumbled as she tossed her covers aside and sat up. She took a long stretch, and yawned before lifting out of bed.
She slowly dragged herself to her bathroom and flicked on the light. She blankly stared at her reflection in the mirror, while shaking her head. She was wearing a silk black nightie, strictly for the man in her dreams. She had flexi-rods in her long hair that needed to be removed. So, one by one she pulled the rods out of her hair. Once she was done she was satisfied with the end result. Huge curls framed her oval shaped face. She waved her head side to side just to see her hair bounce.
After scrubbing her teeth and tongue she headed to her spacious kitchen. She poured herself a glass of orange juice and took a few sips.
“De-De, wake your ass up!” she shouted from the kitchen.
“Huh?” he said groggily.
“It’s time to get up.”
“Okay.” He huffed from the other room. He eased out of bed and headed to the living room. “Mommy, why did you just call me? Twin is still sleep too.”
“I know, but he sleeps harder. Wake you brother up for me, baby.”
“Okay.” Her son answered, as he scurried back to his bedroom.
The night before she’d ironed their clothes, so she was just going to oversee her boys as they got ready for school. They were both in the kindergarten and their bus would be there in exactly forty-five minutes.
“Yall clothes are on the dresser.” She reminded them.
She walked into her living room and made sure that the boys hadn’t left any of their toys lying around on the floor. They were so messy and she was constantly cleaning after them. She listened and heard the water running in the guest’s bathroom, which meant that one of the twins was brushing their teeth. She smiled, knowing that her babies were learning responsibility.
Ryan was very close to her twins, but she was adamant about them learning to be independent. Since they didn’t have a father around she felt that it was her job to show them how to be young men. She wanted them to have manners and to know that they could have anything they wanted if they worked hard for it.
“Baby, tie your shoes.” She told Demond, her identical twin son.
“Okay.” He knelt down and tied his shoe with ease.
“That’s a big boy, tying your own shoes.” She smiled.
“Desmond, are yours tied?” she asked eyeing her other son’s Ralph Lauren shoes.
“Yes, mommy.” He groaned.
“Boy, don’t be acting like mommy getting on your nerves.” She folded her arms.
He stepped up and wrapped his little arms around his mama. “Mommy, you know I love you.”
She rubbed to top of his head and stared down at him. “Are you running game on me, little boy?”
“No.” he laughed.
“Yes you are.” She started tickling him.
“Stop mommmmyyyy.” He laughed hysterically.
“Get off my brother.” Demond joined in, playfully pulling his mother’s hand.
“Oh, yall wanna jump me, huh? Yall wanna jump?”
“You know I gotta have my brother’s back, mommy.”
“I know that’s right.” She laughed. She’d embedded loyalty in them since they’d come out of the womb. She always reminded them to have each other’s back, and now it was second nature to them.
“Mommy, I’m gonna get you.” Desmond laughed as he clung onto her leg.
She tried to walk as he hung on her. “Okay, you little monkey. Yall’s bus should be coming. Yall chill out.”
“Aw man.” They both pouted at the same time. “I want to move to Louisiana, mommy.”
“Umm hmm. Aw, man, yall go sit down and watch cartoons.” She ignored the Louisiana comment. “Mommy has to get ready for work.” She headed to her bedroom.
She heard the bus’s horn. “Twins, she’s out there.” She turned around to insure that they got on the bus safely. She stood at the door of her townhouse and watched her kids board the school bus.
“Bye.” She smiled and waved.
Once the bus pulled off she stepped back into her house. She was about to head into her bedroom, until her cell vibrated on the kitchen’s counter. She switched over and answered the phone.
“Why are you up so early?” she asked, knowing exactly who the caller was.
“Bitch, I just left the after-hours.” Dina relayed, wired up.
“The after-hours? Where that nigga Chad at?”
“Shit, he at home with the baby.”
“At home? Girl, that nigga gonna kick your ass. Who you went to the after-hours with?”
“Let’s see…it was me, Trinity, Raven, and Jonasia.”
“Damn, all those bitches got men at home, except for Jonasia. Yall all must want your heads busted to the white meat.”
“Shit, they might get it when they get home, but I’m good.” Dina boasted.
Ryan busted out laughing. “Bitch, you crazy. I guess you don’t get enough of that nigga whupping your ass, but if you like it I love it.”
“Fuck you, hater. Chad’s home boy been asking about you. When you gon give that nigga a holla?”
“Is this why you called me at six thirty in the damn morning?”
“No, I wanted to tell your ass how much fun you missed. You need to go out with us next time.”
She sighed. “Maybe next time.”
“Yeah, right bitch. You aint gon come. I bet you if I was Trinity you’d be all game.”
“Yeah, that’s because she don’t try to keep me out until the crack of dawn.”
“Uhh.” Dina breathed in the phone. “You sound like Raven and Trinity. Those broads kept looking at the exits and the time.”
Ryan giggled. “I know Raven was ‘noid. That nigga Jahrein didn’t show up on the scene?”
“Girl, no, but he was blowing her cell up. She was the first bitch to leave.”
“But I thought yall all stayed out all night?”
“Well…really I did. Me and Jonasia did. Trinity and Raven stayed out until three and that was only because I begged them to stay. Those house bitches had to get home to their niggas.”
“Your ass is pitiful. Why didn’t you just go home to your nigga?”
“Cause I was teaching that nigga a lesson. He stayed out all night the other day, claiming that he was handling business.”
“Well, you know how that is. That’s why I don’t deal with niggas like that.”
“Oh, whatever Ms. Holier Than Thou. All of a sudden you act like you allergic to hustlers and shit. Aint your BD a hustling ass nigga?”
“And aint that why I don’t fuck with my BD?”
“Yeah, we aint gon even talk about how foul you are, hiding that man’s kids and shit.”
“And that’s my cue to get off this phone. You gon have my ass late for work, anyway.”
&nbs
p; “No, don’t try to get off the phone now. You know I ran into him at the casino, right?”
Ryan sighed. “Duh. You told me that shit like ten times already. What’s your point? That man is somewhere in Louisiana and aint thinking about me, and I for damn sure aint thinking about him.”
“Whatever. And stop talking like he don’t be out here in Houston.”
“And I don’t care.”
“Sure you don’t. I heard that he’s with some high yellow chick and they’ve been together for like five years.”
“What?” Ryan asked with more concern that she meant to.
Dina laughed knowing that she had her. “I thought you didn’t care? Well, anyways he supposedly got some bitch that lives with him.”
“And who told you this?”
“His cousin Brittany. She asked about you, but I acted like I hadn’t seen you, you know, since you act like the nigga can’t know if you still breathing.”
“Whatever. That nigga shoul didn’t waste no time in moving on. Did Brittany say the chick’s name?”
“Umm…I can’t remember.”
“Whatever.” Ryan sighed. “Look, I gotta get ready for work.” She suddenly had an attitude.
“Don’t be mad at me cause that man is doing him. You left him, remember?”
“And that’s why I don’t care. Now get off my line.” She hung up.
Twenty minutes later Ryan was completely dressed and inside of her Magnum headed to work. She was listening to 9.79 The Box as they did the old school mix. The deejay was playing all the old Mary J. and it brought a smile to her face, as she thought about Desmond. Hell, damn near every song on the radio made her think of him. She’d foolishly assumed that time would help her get over him, but that had yet to happen. There wasn’t a day that trickled by that he didn’t cross her mind. Then having two identical replicas of him didn’t help matters. She missed him terribly, but vowed to never turn back. He made it that way the day he chose the game over her.
When she pulled up to her office building she was dreading getting out. She wanted to sit and listen to the music, and allow her mind to venture places she dared not tell anyone about. She could always go inside and listen, but by then the mix might be over.
Can't Leave It Alone Page 5
