Can't Leave It Alone

by Nicole Jackson

  “Well…let me ask…why did you even ask me? Have she been acting funny?”

  “Yeah, how did you know?”

  “Ooh. You know what, De-De, sometimes I forget that yall been apart for a minute. So, this is her first birthday since yall gotten back together.”

  “Yeah, and?”

  “Okay, so you don’t know that she always get depressed around this time of the year. It’s like that on a lot of holidays too, but it’s nothing like their birthday. I guess, I thought this time would be different, because she got you back.”

  “Their birthday?” he repeated. “So…she misses…Bryan.” He gulped, realizing the true problem. “Damn.”

  Dina sadly sighed. “Pretty much.”

  “So…so…so, what does she usually do for her birthday?”

  “Stay at home and cry her eyes out.” Dina revealed.

  Hearing that broke his heart. He and Ryan never really talked about Bryan getting killed. It was too painful for either of them to revisit, but he was realizing that avoiding the subject wasn’t healthy. Guilt consumed him, and for a moment he felt helpless. That was the one thing he couldn’t fix for her, and he’d played an instrumental role in it all.

  “Yeah,” he breathed. “Having a big party might not be the best route. But thanks, cuz. Let me hit you back.”

  “Okay,” Dina agreed, before ending the call.

  Sitting there, he racked his brain trying to think of a way to approach the sensitive matter with Ryan. No matter how he came at her, they were sure to go through some emotional changes. Finally, he decided that he had only one choice. Face the past.

  Chapter 19

  “Bruh, where ya head at?”

  Desmond glanced at Flip, “Nigga, what you trying to say?”

  “I’m saying,” Flip grimaced, as he gripped a wad of cash. His long dreads were dangling in his face, as he studied all the cash sitting on the table. “You miscounted like three times now.”

  Desmond drug his palm across his face. “Yeah, I’m fucking up, huh?”

  This was so unlike De-De. Usually, he was on point when they were in the trap.

  Flip squinted his eyes, not used to seeing his boy in that condition. It was like his brain had taken flight, and was somewhere far off into outer space.

  “I mean, I know that around this time of the year you be down and shit, but…she’s back. So, what’s the problem?”

  He waved his head, “I just found out that she’s been going through it like me, when their birthday comes around. And I really don’t know how to help her deal with it.”

  Flip blew out air, “Whoa…well, I feel like…I don’t know. Take her where you usually go. Do that shit together, and comfort each other. That’s the only thing I can think of.”

  Desmond nodded, as he absently stared at all the money. “I guess I’ll try that shit. But I don’t know if it’ll help.” He shrugged. “It’s like a band aide for me, but you never know.”

  ******

  “I still say that we should’ve kept the kids, and stayed at home.”

  “Man…” Desmond drawled. “Just fire up that blunt, sit back, and ride.”

  “Whatever,” Ryan grumbled, as she lit up a blunt. She didn’t know where they were headed, but she needed to calm her nerves. She was feeling depressed, exhausted, and grouchy all wrapped into one. Wanting to zone out, she increased the volume on the stereo system. “I first started back in 1989. I wasn’t moving keys. I was barely moving dimes…”

  Desmond bobbed his head to the music, while Ryan became choked up.

  “That was Bryan’s song,” she reminisced solemnly, before lowering the volume to UGK’s “Pocket Full of Stones”.

  “I know,” Desmond offered a weak smile.

  “Yeah,” she huffed, as she gazed out of the window. “Well, I don’t wanna hear it.”

  “Why not?” he quickly glanced at her.

  She waved her head, vehemently. “I just can’t.”

  He nodded in understanding.

  They both rode in silence, until Ryan realized that he was venturing further and further out of the city limits. “For real, boy, where the hell are we going?”

  “If I tell you I’ll have to kill you.” He jested.

  “Umm hmm…whatever.” She rolled her eyes.

  About halfway through the trip she had an idea of where they were headed. They’d crossed state lines, and were now in Louisiana.

  “Are you going back to Baton Rouge?” she quizzed.

  He simply nodded, while remaining focused on the road.

  “For what?” she frowned. “Aint shit out here for me.”

  “That’s what you say.” He shrugged her off.

  When they pulled up to a cemetery in Baton Rouge Ryan was livid. “What the fuck are we doing here?”

  “We came to see the homie.” Desmond offered, as he killed the ignition.

  “The homie?” she snarled. “I’m not with this bullshit. You should’ve told me you were coming here.” Her lips quivered.

  He stared straight ahead. “Would you have come if I told you?”

  “Hell no.” her voice trembled.

  “Exactly.” He pushed his door open. “Come on, girl. Get out.”

  Ryan sat stiffly in her seat. Visions of her brother’s smile caused her to breakdown. “I can’t do thissss.” She sobbed.

  Desmond stood outside of his car for a moment. He had to gather his composure, before he could be of any assistance to her. Finally, he found his way over to her. “Ry, get out, mama, please,” he pleaded, as he grabbed her hand.

  “But why De-De?” she gazed up at him, as fresh tears glistened her eyes. “What’s the point?”

  “The point is that we both miss him,” his voice cracked. “And this is how I talk to him. Coming here after you left was the only thing that kept me sane.”

  She swallowed, “You’ve been here before?”

  He closed his eyes tightly. “More times than I remember.”

  Sniffling, attempting to hold back additional tears, she grasped his hand, and allowed him to lift her out of the car. Together they tipped to Bryan’s gravesite. Ryan hadn’t stood before his tombstone since they’d buried her brother there. Standing in that very spot brought back all the immense pain she felt the day he died.

  Her hands shook, and her body trembled as she broke into hysteric sobs. Her screams were heart wrenching, as Desmond stood listening to her. Shamelessly, he shed his own tears, as he wrapped his strong arms around her.

  “Ummmmm hmmm mmmm,” she moaned incoherently.

  “It’s okay, baby.” He kissed her cheek. “Let it out. Let it out.” he encouraged.

  They rocked back and forth for several minutes, until neither of them had any tears left to cry.

  Ryan dried her eyes, and sniffled. “I bet you Bryan is listening to us like ‘I wish they shut the fuck up’.”

  Desmond snickered a bit. “Hell, yeah. And he like ‘De-De, I know yo punk ass aint out here crying and shit. I can understand Twin shedding a few tears. But damn nigga’.”

  “You already know.” Ryan smiled.

  “Aye, Bry, man. Ya sister got down on ya boy. She was pregnant and we aint even know it. But this the kicker, though. She don’t even bother to tell a nigga. She runs back to Houston and keeps the babies a secret, on some soap opera shit.”

  Ryan giggled, “Oh so you snitching, huh?”

  “Hell yeah.”

  “Okay,” she nodded. “Bro, you need to come back and haunt his ass. He was out here fucking Jada’s ole toss around ass. Tell that nigga to kill his self.”

  “You got jokes,” he playfully shoved her.

  “Just like you,” she sassed, before facing Bryan’s tombstone. “But yeah, brother, I done messed around and let this nigga get me pregnant twice. Fucked around and had four babies. I know if you was still here you’d have a whole army full. You and Tricie…did you know that she was pregnant too? Yo ass probably did. It fucked her family up when they found ou
t. I’m talking about…her mama was going crazy. There was a big turnout for her funeral. People loved her, and she loved the hell out of you.” Ryan revealed, saying things that she’d never said to anyone verbally. “It’s our birthday today.” She gulped. “And usually I just lay around crying and crying. But not this time. Nope. De-De drug my ass up here to talk to you. And I’m glad that he did.” She glanced at her man, briefly. “I didn’t realize how much I missed you, and just wanted to talk to you. All those lonely, sleepless nights…I just prayed and begged God to make it all go away. Make all that had happened one bad nightmare.” She fiddled with her fingers, as she bared her soul. “I didn’t want to accept that you were gone. That I wasn’t a twin, anymore. You know. I just felt like there was this huge hole in my heart. It wouldn’t allow me to feel. My heart was so damaged that I only had space to love my boys…or at least I thought.” She smiled. “De-De came back, and showed me that I was still capable of loving, and feeling. But until this very moment, I was still incomplete. I was trying to bury your memory. I wanted to forget all the hurt and pain. But now…I’m facing it. And I feel…free.”

  Desmond wrapped an arm around her, “That’s what’s up, Ryan. But you got one thing wrong.”

  She arched a brow. “What’s that?”

  “I didn’t come back…because I never left.”

  She gently smiled, as she rubbed his hand. “I can’t argue with that.”

  For three long hours they sat, and talked with Bryan. Smoking blunt after blunt they got high, and talked about everything under the sun. When it was all said and done, they both felt like tons had been lifted off their shoulders, and their bond had been strengthened.

  ******

  “Is that nigga gonna get the last box, cause that hoe heavy, yea.”

  Jada shrugged, “I guess.”

  Cheeki rolled her eyes, “His ass need to. He aint been doing shit, but looking at us doing all the work.”

  “Cheeki, don’t start, man, damn.” Jada vented. Her cousins and BG had been staying with her, all claiming that it was temporary circumstances. But after well over a month she realized that it was all bullshit. There she was with a house full of people, and still couldn’t afford that high ass rent, when it was time to renew the lease there. So now, she was leaving her upscale palace behind, and downgrading to an apartment just a step above the projects.

  BG had convinced her to get the cheaper apartment, claiming that he would assist in paying rent. Truthfully, she only had two options, regardless. Either she was going to move somewhere more affordable, and move back to Louisiana and be subjected to hundreds of ‘I told so’s. She had too much pride to return home broken, broke, and with a new baby on her hip. The haters would never let her live it down.

  De-De was still on that bullshit, and wasn’t fucking with her or her son. In fact, he hadn’t seen the baby beyond the photos she’d sent him. He’d cut her off completely, and without his financial support she was drowning. The assistance BG provided was small peanuts in comparison to what Desmond used to do for her. She so desperately needed her lifeline back.

  “Aye, I’ll be back. I’m going down the hall to Tericka’s.” Jada announced, needing a break from everybody. She didn’t wait for a response, before heading to her girl’s condo. Tapping on the door, Tutu opened right up.

  “Hey, what’s up?” he smiled, as she stepped in.

  “Nothing much,” she sighed. “Just ready to get this damn moving out the way.”

  “Yeah, I feel you.” He nodded.

  “And good looking out on the U-Haul and all that.” She thanked him.

  “Oh, that was no problem,” he licked his lips. “Tericka! Jada is here!” he shouted.

  “Okay,” Tericka entered the room, wearing sweats. “Go finish bathing your son, Tutu.”

  “I guess I can do that.” He mumbled, as he stomped to the back of the condo.

  “Girl, what’s up?” Jada eyed Tericka. She could never identify with the way Tericka carried herself. She had Tutu, who was wickedly handsome, standing at an even six feet, smooth chocolate skin, and had sleepy eyes, but she didn’t bother putting on decent clothes half the time. She was one of those chicks that kept a scarf wrapped around her hair, while at home. In Jada’s eyes that whole little get up was like dick repellent.

  “Girl,” Tericka patted her weave through her scarf, “Trying to get this house together. In between Tutu and these kids I’m about lose my damn mind.”

  “I feel you.” Jada agreed. “I’m so stressed out. I really hate that I have to move.”

  “I know,” Tericka pouted. “Why didn’t you go file child support on that nigga? That way you could’ve stayed here, even if he don’t wanna be here for the baby you’d be getting them coins from his ass.”

  Jada pursed her lips, “I keep telling you that I aint gonna get shit from filing on him. He aint getting no legit money.”

  “No, ma’am. You got it wrong. That nigga been working with lawyers to make shit look legitimate. So, all his money may not be documented, but what is would still provide you with a hefty support check. Trust me. I know.”

  Jada thought about it a sec. “Nah, fuck all that. What I need to know is where that nigga kick it at out here.”

  “Why?” Tericka grinned sinisterly.

  “Cause I’ma roll up on his ass, and act a fuckin’ fool, yea.”

  Tericka glanced, to see if Tutu was coming, before whispering. “I know exactly where that nigga be at.”

  ******

  “The nigga really on some hoe shit,” Desmond mumbled, as he stood counting his money. He was fresh with a two thick chains dangling around his neck; one yellow gold and diamonds and the other white gold and diamonds. With simple grey True Religion jeans, a white tee, and cocaine white Prada tennis shoes on his swag was killing. “But you say he cool, though.”

  Jahrein scratched his head, “I mean, me and you are gonna see the nigga differently. Shit, he aint fucked Raven.”

  “Nigga, yo ass always trying to be funny. Thank he fucking Bernie Mack, Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence on the low.” Jahrein’s older brother Jaylen interrupted. They were all posted up at his detail shop, chilling.

  On a nice sunny day, Jaylen’s detail shop was the place to be. Due to his and his brother’s popularity everybody patronized and showed love. Unlike Jahrein, Jaylen was still very much in the game, and was one of those cats that would probably die in the streets. He and Jah could pass for twins they resembled so much, but Jaylen was the grimier of the two. No, he was no snake, and they both had a quick trigger finger, but Jaylen had been through more, had seen more, and had a completely different outlook. All that Hollywood shit his little bro could be on wasn’t for him. He was a hood nigga through and through ‘til the death of him. He didn’t know any other way.

  Desmond grinned, knowing Jahrein was always trying to crack a joke. “Shit, so you say he aint fucked Raven.”

  The smile Jahrein wore was immediately swiped off his face.

  “Ahhh, you aint like that shit, huh?” Jaylen teased. “Mention muthafuckin Raven’s name and he in his feelings. Always thinking somebody wants her ole Ethiopian looking ass.” He jested. Yeah, he could crack jokes on his brother’s wife, because in every sense of the word Raven was his sister, and he’d kill anybody for her.

  “Uh huh,” Desmond co-signed. “Nigga always wanna be the jokester, but aint got no understanding when it comes to Raven.”

  “Yeah, okay,” Jahrein licked his lips. “Yall niggas better tread softly.”

  “But like I was saying,” Desmond continued on with his rant. “This bitch ass nigga just done inserted himself in Ryan’s case. Now, he dry calling, and I’m about to lose my cool on his ass.”

  “Man, let that duck get plucked. Keep ya broad close, and let him trick off them free services.” Jaylen advised. “It’s that simple. And Jah, you was talking like Jacob and his brothers are still doing their thang in the streets. Them niggas done crossed over to the other side. T
hey aint got the same heart no more. Cause after what went down between him and De-De somebody should be six feet deep right now.”

  “True,” Jahrein agreed. “I believe they’ve all gotten too comfortable. Me…I aint letting nah nigga make it.”

  “Especially if it’s pussy involved,” Jaylen spoke up, playfully. “Raven’s in particular. You can bust Jah over the head, and take all his money. That nigga might not look that hard for you. But let somebody tell that nigga you was giving Raven the eye. He’ll get ya whole family knocked off.”

  “Yeah, okay,” Jahrein nodded. Being jealous when it came to Raven was one subject he wouldn’t argue about. It was his ugliest trait, but he just couldn’t help himself.

  “De-De, I can’t believe that you out here, hanging, anyway. I thought that you’s house nigga now.” Jaylen quipped.

  “Nigga, fuck you. My gal just had twins. Of course, I’ma be at the spot with them.” Desmond rebutted.

  “Yeah, I guess you pussy whipped like Jahrein. That nigga don’t let the street lights catch him out.”

  Jahrein folded his arms, as he leaned against his G-Wagon. “You really got jokes today. Maybe if you get them rats you fuck with to stop running to them ladies free before eleven soriees you could chill at the crib too.”

  “Yeah, I hear you,” Jaylen smiled, knowing that he loved a good hoodrat.

  Desmond was about to put his two cents in, when he noticed Jada’s BMW pull into the lot. “The fuck is she doing here?” he mumbled.

  There were several heads in the car, and he already knew who she had with her. Whenever Jada was on the bullshit she had her dumb ass cousins with her. That was the only time she really jumped bad, and thought she could check someone.

  Jada eased out of her vehicle, with full confidence. She’d taken the few coins BG had spared and hit up the beauty shop. Her long hair was laid, and her little white Tory Burch dress clung to her body. “Hey,” she grinned, as she and Desmond locked eyes.

  That day had to be her lucky day. After Tericka informing her about his little hanging spot it took her nearly two weeks to finally catch him there. And the best part of it all was that there was no Ryan around to distract him.