Uncommon Type
Page 23
PHIL
Talent like I never seen!
BEA
Every time you play I find myself all misty. You have a gift, Jesus.
JESUS
You make me feel so good, Mr. Phil and Mrs. Bea. You have always made me feel I was at home.
BEA
That’s because you have been, Jesus. You’ve been at our home.
PHIL
Good luck there in Chesterton. I hear they get benefits galore at that windshield factory.
JESUS
Thank you. I will come back to see you many times. I promise I will.
BEA
Bring us a windshield you made yourself.
Jesus climbs in, and the pickup truck pulls out of the motel lot, honking. Phil and Bea watch the truck disappear down the road. They are quiet for a moment.
PHIL
There goes our only guest. One less bed to make.
BEA
Lord, am I going to miss him playing that ’cordine.
PHIL
Sixty-two less dollars a week. Why would anyone want to leave this little spot of paradise to live in a podunk burg like Chesterton…
BEA
Oh, stop serving crab apples. Do some weeding.
Phil sizes up the woman he married. The woman he still finds so very beautiful…
PHIL
Don’t treat me like some hired hand.
(then)
Unless you wearing that pretty dress means you want to play Seduce the Hired Hand.
BEA
You go out there with the weedwacker and flex your rippling muscles, maybe I’ll get all heated up.
PHIL
Tell you what, woman. Give me twenty minutes to clear the south forty, then meet me in room 10. I just might be naked in the shower.
BEA
It’s a date.
A Buick convertible is coming down the road, its turn signal blinking.
BEA (CONT’D)
Hold on. Looks like we have guests.
PHIL
Rats.
(shouting)
Come back in an hour, folks!
The car pulls in to the motel. Hey, it’s none other than F.X.R. and Ms. Mercury! The top is still down.
He is smiling. She looks like hell after driving three hours in a convertible with the top down. They pull right up to Phil and Bea.
F.X.R.
Howdy!
PHIL
Howdy-do?
BEA
Howdy-do to you.
MS. MERCURY
How-diddly-dee-dooty-do.
F.X.R.
(all “folksy”)
As you can see, we happen to be weary travelers who have been on the road too long.
MS. MERCURY
With no sunblock.
F.X.R.
We seek a respite from our journey. You know—some real hospitality.
BEA
How about trying a motel of some kind?
F.X.R.
Know any good motels around?
BEA
Well, let’s think here. Motels. You need a motel…
PHIL
Best motel in the world is right here on the outskirts of Phrygia. Called the Olympic or the Olympian or something.
F.X.R. looks at the faded sign.
F.X.R.
Motel Olympus!
PHIL
That’s the one.
F.X.R.
Ms. Mercury! Motel Olympus! This is fate!
Ms. Mercury wants out of the car and into a shower ASAP.
MS. MERCURY
It must be. This parking lot screams destiny.
BEA
Welcome. I’m Bea. He’s Phil. Stay with us!
These two adorable old folks immediately freeze in the positions of the sign behind them, complete with waving arms.
F.X.R. and Ms. Mercury share a look. Phil and Bea have not moved. They are still frozen in their “sign” position. They remain so. For a beat. Then another.
And another.
MS. MERCURY
So, do you have a vacancy?
BEA
(breaking her pose)
Nothing but.
CUT TO:
INT. MOTEL OFFICE—SAME
CLOSE ON:
A faded photo from fifty years before—young Phil and Bea, in that same pose. Obviously the model for the sign back when it was constructed.
The office is clean and cozy. F.X.R. inspects the photo as Bea prepares the paperwork.
BEA
If it seems like you have the place to yourself, you do.
F.X.R.
Business slow, is it?
BEA
Ever since Eisenhower built the interstates.
F.X.R.
That how long you’ve owned this place?
BEA
Not quite. But Phil and I have been here since Phrygia was a three-star stop with the Autoclub.
She hands him a registration card and a cheap ballpoint pen.
EXT. MOTEL OLYMPUS—SAME
Ms. Mercury is parking the car. The engine is making lots of horrible noises. Phil comes up.
PHIL
I think the squirrels are dying.
MS. MERCURY
Three or four quarts of oil and the gnashing sound disappears.
Smoke starts coming from under the hood.
PHIL
The woods are on fire!
(then)
Shut it down, honey.
Did he just call Ms. Mercury “honey”?
MS. MERCURY
Okay, lamb chop.
She shuts down the engine just as something EXPLODES. The motor stops, but the after-chug makes the car seem alive.
PHIL
This thing has a life of its own. Pop the hood!
MS. MERCURY
How exactly does one pop that?
She finds a lever and pulls. The hood goes up, emitting a column of smoke.
INT. MOTEL OFFICE—DAY
F.X.R. sees the smoke as Bea inspects the registration card he’s filled out.
BEA
F.X.R?
F.X.R.
Present!
BEA
No credit card, huh?
F.X.R.
Lord no. Had one once. For a department store in Flint, Michigan. Ran up a tab, then had to split town.
He never did any such thing.
BEA
We’ve seen some of that.
(then)
I’ll need cash. In advance, ’cause I don’t know you.
F.X.R.
How much?
BEA
Two rooms’ll be thirty-eight fifty.
As he pulls out his western-style wallet, a prop he picked out himself.
F.X.R.
(worried)
Oooohhh…
BEA
Or, one room with double beds—twenty-two fifty.
F.X.R.
(digging around in his wallet)
That much, eh?
BEA
Single room, double bed, sixteen fifty.
F.X.R.
Turns out, I’ve only got…twelve dollars…and some change.
BEA
Well…we’ll give you the only-guests-in-the-motel special, then.
EXT. MOTEL OLYMPUS—DAY
Ms. Mercury leans over the hood of the car with Phil, who is monkeying around with a wrench.
MS. MERCURY
What do I know about cars? I just put gas in it and go.
PHIL
You’d think it’d be that easy, wouldn’t it?
(he pulls out the oil pump)
You know what this is?
She looks at the part like it is a dead rat.
MS. MERCURY
A dead rat?
PHIL
This is a De-Hypoxified Fusion Accelerator with Calcitrant Oxyspoilers.
MS. MERCURY
Really?
PHIL
I can get you another. Just gotta make
a call to Tommy Boyer. He’ll run a rebuilt one out here soon as he can.
MS. MERCURY
Fine. Great.
PHIL
I can put it in for you so you’ll be on your way with the dawn.
MS. MERCURY
At dawn I’ll be in bed for another three hours, but you go ahead.
A shout is heard.
F.X.R. (O.C.)
Ms. Mercury!
Heads swivel. F.X.R is with Bea as she unlocks the door to one of the rooms.
F.X.R. (CONT’D)
Come and see our accommodations.
INT. MOTEL ROOM—DAY
Bea and Phil stand and watch as F.X.R. tests out the bed while Ms. Mercury inspects the bathroom.
F.X.R.
I hate to be a pest, but I have a bad disc from a fall I took chopping trees in Alberta.
Ms. Mercury shoots him a look. He never did any such thing.
F.X.R. (CONT’D)
This mattress will kill me before it gets me to sleep.
BEA
(thinking)
Doesn’t room three have a newer mattress?
PHIL
Only a few months old. I’ll change it, pronto.
F.X.R.
(feeling the sheets)
And these, um, “sheets”? Way too scratchy. I have a skin condition.
BEA
I can break open a fresh set.
F.X.R.
Will they be washed? Nothing is worse than brand-new sheets.
BEA
Not even heart disease. I’ll soften them up for you.
PHIL
(concerned)
Better try the pillows. Too firm won’t be any good for that back of yours.
F.X.R.
Too firm and I can’t move my neck in the morning.
(he tries a pillow, grabs his neck)
Ouch! No way!
BEA
We sleep with some good down models. We’ll put fresh cases on them and let you have them for the night.
F.X.R.
And, finally, this picture here over the bed.
The one of a babbling brook and a farmhouse.
F.X.R. (CONT’D)
It reminds me of a foster home I once spent an eternity in. Do you have some other painting we could hang?
Ms. Mercury mouths the words “foster home”?
PHIL
Room twelve has one with some ducks.
F.X.R.
I have a fear of waterfowl.
PHIL
There’s one with some wagon wheels on it in Eight.
MS. MERCURY
Wagon wheels? Why paint wagon wheels? I don’t understand.
PHIL
There’s a clown face in Room Thirteen.
No way. The thought makes F.X.R. shudder.
BEA
How about we just remove all the artwork?
F.X.R.
Problem solved.
CUT TO:
INT. MOTEL ROOM—DAY
Later. Phil is moving in a new mattress. Ms. Mercury is marveling at the softness of the bath towels, and Bea is putting pillowcases on the borrowed pillows.
MS. MERCURY
(completely amazed)
What do you use to make this towel so soft? It’s like mink!
BEA
I just wash ’em, honey. Then I hang them out to dry.
MS. MERCURY
I can’t wait to take a shower!
BEA
When you do, let the hot water run. It takes a while.
F.X.R.
Okay. Last item. How does a soul get nourishment around here?
PHIL
Used to be a cafe right across the road. Truman’s, it was called. Great pie. Even better pot roast. Closed in 1991.
BEA
Fast-food places over in Chesterton. Thirty-six miles as the crow flies.
PHIL
I’d rather eat crow than fast food in Chesterton.
MS. MERCURY
Just as well. We’re stuck here. The car blew its oxyspoiler.
PHIL
(remembering, and bolting)
I gotta call Tommy Boyer!
As he leaves…
MS. MERCURY
Any chance of room service?
BEA
If you don’t mind getting your hands a little dirty.
CUT TO:
EXT. BACK OF MOTEL—LATER
A mini-farm. Complete with henhouse and garden. Beautifully kept. Bea is expertly inspecting vegetables while Ms. Mercury tries to get tomatoes off a vine.
MS. MERCURY
(tossing into a basket)
Okay. Tomatoes. Radishes. Those long green things. And half of my fingernails.
BEA
Wouldn’t avocados be perfect? I’ve got to plant some avocado trees.
MS. MERCURY
They grow on trees?
BEA
Yes. But you need two. One male tree and one female tree. Otherwise no avocados.
MS. MERCURY
The trees…have sex?
BEA
Once a week. Just like that old man and me.
Bea LAUGHS. Even the chickens SQUAWK in jest.
MS. MERCURY
That is way too much information…
CUT TO:
EXT. POOL AREA—DUSK
Phil has been preparing an old barbecue, where a scrawny chicken rotates on a spit. The pool, empty of water…
F.X.R.
So you never had kids?
PHIL
(shakes his head)
Couldn’t. Didn’t mind though. Back in the old days this place was swarming with kids all the time. That’s ’cause of this swim pool. A dozen motels along Eighty-eight before the interstate cut us off. Only three had swim pools. I put up signs every twenty miles, saying, ‘Mount Olympus—Swim Pool.’ Guess where the kids demanded to stay?
F.X.R.
With Phil and Bea.
PHIL
You ever work in the hospitality business?
F.X.R.
Not legitimately.
Phil gives him a look.
PHIL
It’s a line of work you can’t learn. Has to come natural. You have to like people and trust ’em. And lie a little when those with crazy eyes ask if there’s a vacancy. No shame in that. Wisdom.
F.X.R.
You must like the motel business.
PHIL
I like this motel. Could use a bit more business.
MUSIC: “Last Date” by Floyd Cramer
CUT TO:
EXT. LANDSCAPE—SUNSET
At the very moment the sun blinks out, gone, beyond the horizon.
CUT TO:
EXT. MOTEL OLYMPUS—THE WHOLE PLACE—NIGHT
The sign is not lit up itself, but has only a cheap garden light shining up on it.
Down by the pool we see that a picnic dinner has been enjoyed by the two innkeepers and their guests.
PHIL
Tell me something. How long you kids been together?
MS. MERCURY
What?
PHIL
You two. You an item?
BEA
Phil, whose business is that?
MS. MERCURY
(her eyes go wide!)
Are we an item? An item? Item?
PHIL
A man and a woman drive up. In a car together.
Check in together. Have a room together. It’s only happened about a million times…
Ms. Mercury rolls her eyes. Then she shakes her head. Then she laughs to herself.
MS. MERCURY
(pointing to F.X.R.)
This man could no sooner be my half of an “item” than I could fart toast.
BEA
Oh, I’m gonna steal that.
F.X.R.
As Ms. Mercury says, we have an employer-employee relationship that is proper in every way.
MS. MERCURY
If he isn’t sleeping on the couch, and he isn’t because
he’s never slept on a couch, I sure as hell am!
PHIL
Okay.
(then)
You a gay lesbian, Ms. Mercury?
MS. MERCURY
No, I’m not that fashionable. I’m just single.
BEA
No man in your life?
MS. MERCURY
Look…Let me explain this aspect of my life to two relative strangers, as nice as you are.
(then)
A man would complicate my life in the extreme. I need a man right now like your chicken coop needs a satellite dish. I am unattached, connected to no one. The day will come when I chuck it all and bid my boss adieu, and go for the mate, the kids, the hand-made Halloween costumes, all of it. Until then, I’m happily solo, working for this guy…
(F.X.R.—who nods)
Who drives me nuts but can take a joke. I’m making good bank and I see the world, from Tasmania to this lovely inn. I. Have no room. For a boyfriend.
Things are silent for a beat.
BEA
Then there’s my answer.
And another beat. The quiet is all-encompassing, beautiful.
F.X.R.
Listen to that.
MS. MERCURY
To what? I don’t hear anything.
F.X.R.
You’re not listening.
MS. MERCURY
I sure as hell am.
BEA
The quiet. He means listen to the quiet.
MS. MERCURY
Oh.
(she does)
I am really trying here…but I don’t hear anything.
F.X.R.
The only time I feel like this quiet makes me feel is…
(whenever it is he keeps it to himself)
And it never lasts.
PHIL
It does around here.
BEA
I’ve come to marvel in its totality. No matter the problems or worries, there’s solace in the quiet of the night.
Phil looks at his wife. F.X.R. also looks at Bea. Ms. Mercury looks out into the night.
MS. MERCURY
Oh. I hear it now. Nothing. You mean the sound of nothing.
(she listens)
Ooh. Aah.
A distant CAR HORN honks. Headlights appear, and a panel truck pulls into the motel lot.
F.X.R.
So much for that.
BEA
That’s Tommy Boyer.
PHIL
With that part for Bachelorette Number One’s car.
(to Ms. Mercury)
Since you’re not fashionable, you might like Tommy.
MS. MERCURY
(more eye rolling)
Gosh, let me fix my hair…
PHIL
(calling)
Tommy!
From out of a truck comes TOMMY BOYER. He is the most gorgeous male creature on the planet Earth.
MS. MERCURY
That’s Tommy Boyer?