“Every reason,” he shrugged, the corners of his mouth slowly twitching upward from his solemn frown into what almost looked to be a smile. “Our people love you, Kaori. You are strong. Proud. You do not let anyone hold you down. It only seems right, given the predisposition of our people to base our family lines on our women, that we should in turn be ruled by one. The succession would never be questioned.”
She hated that he made a valid point. If the Vor’shai were to create their own independent nation within Carpaen, it made sense that they would choose a female as their leader. History was rich with stories of unfaithful Kings and Emperors whose wives looked to other men to satiate their need for affection. Bloodlines were constantly in question, but with a woman on the throne, it negated any concern of heritage. It just didn’t seem enough to merit Therek giving up the crown altogether. It was rightfully his. He deserved to have some part in it. And as Queen, if she chose to have him by her side, no one would dare question her.
“Rule with me,” she heard the words spoken before she had a chance to think them through. There was so much hidden within their meaning that she couldn’t even begin to list the reasons why it was madness to speak of it out loud. Was she asking him to marry her? She couldn’t deny the implication given when a queen requested a man to rule by her side as King.
Startled by the determination in Kaori’s eyes, Therek lifted his chin to stare down at her through the soft light, raising his hand to illuminate her face with more clarity. “Kaori…”
“Please.” She hated how desperate she sounded. Her heart ached at the thought of him saying no. It was easy to convince herself that his earlier admission of caring about her meant anything deep enough to justify marriage. He spoke of fondness. A hope of having her for himself. But nothing about love. The one thing she needed him to feel in order to secure his place at her side. “Do not let your friendship with Liurn stand in the way if you truly desire to make me yours. Forget your reputation and think about all the good we could do for our people. I cannot rebuild an entire country on my own.”
Her heart was racing. This was far from what she imagined an engagement would be like. But it was what she wanted. Therek was the only man she desired to marry. With him by her side, she had no doubt that their people would find a strong leader in her. Therek gave her the strength she needed to persevere through anything. He had the heart of an Emperor. An undisputed right to wear the crown. All she needed was for him to accept.
The silence in the room did nothing to ease the pounding in her chest. Knees trembling, she took a step forward, afraid that in his shock at hearing her request Therek had somehow drifted into his thoughts and forgotten she was there. His eyes followed her movement, making it clear that he was fully aware of her presence, the muscles in his body tensed noticeably at her approach. He looked nervous. But above it all, Kaori couldn’t deny the sadness in the depths of his beautiful eyes. Seeing it there added to the fear she already felt, worried that she hadn’t said or done enough to convince him that she wanted to be with him regardless of what anyone might say about their relationship. She didn’t care what anyone thought. She loved him and that was all that mattered.
Tearing his eyes away from Kaori, Therek shook his head, staring down at the floor, crestfallen. He didn’t look like a man who was about to accept the hand of the woman he wanted to marry. Kaori’s heart fluttered nervously to feel his fingers gently wrap around hers, pulling her in closer to him. There was a tension in the air which hadn’t been noticeable before, so thick it was almost palpable.
“It is not possible.”
When Therek finally spoke, Kaori felt her hopes come crashing down around her, unable to find her voice to say anything in response. It wasn’t an answer. At least not one she was willing to accept. She didn’t want to think, after everything they had been through, that he would reject her so cruelly and without explanation. “What… what are you saying?”
Therek started to answer, choking on his words at first. His typical confidence nonexistent. The man standing before her now was vulnerable, struggling to find the strength to bring his eyes up from the floor. Kaori didn’t give him a chance to complete the motion himself, her free hand extending to position her index finger under his chin, forcing him to meet her gaze. She could still feel the pressure of his hand around hers, squeezing tightly, not wanting to let her go. “Among the many reasons why… I… I do not think it a good idea. If you… if there is a king, the people may naturally look to him instead; out of habit from the many years they have followed the rule of an emperor.”
It wasn’t exactly a rejection. Returning the pressure of Therek’s hand Kaori fought to think of something she could say which might sway him to realize his foolishness. There had to be something they could do to be together. “We will make it a lengthy engagement. It should not take more than a few years for our people to grow accustomed to a woman on the throne.”
“This is too soon, Kaori.”
“If we both care about one another, there is no reason we should hide it.”
“It is not about hiding. You know what happened to the last woman I loved.”
“You cannot possibly still blame yourself for that.”
“No, but her fate justifies my fear of what might befall you,” Therek grimaced. There was no malice in his eyes, the words he spoke clearly causing great pain to pronounce every syllable. “I was the first man Malita Orith ever… knew. Once the initial thrill of the experience was over, she began to doubt whether it was truly love which she felt for me or if her desire had been based purely on curiosity. You remind me of her in too many ways, Kaori. I could not bear it if I let my heart love again only to watch history repeat itself once you realize that you can have any man you desire.”
The pain was almost unbearable. It was like a dagger had been thrust deep into her chest, piercing through her heart before twisting to make sure every last inch had been touched by the blade. “You are rejecting me because of her?”
“Please, do not say it like that,” Therek exhaled painfully. “It is not rejection. I must… protect us both. You are not ready, Kaori, nor am I.”
Through the hurt, she could feel her anger rising. This wasn’t fair. She was being punished because of something that half-witted girl had done decades ago. Therek had plenty of time since then to recover from the wrongs done to him. Not every woman was unfaithful. While it was unfortunate that his first experience with love ended in tragedy, he was bound to live the rest of his life alone and miserable if he didn’t open himself up to the possibility that there might be someone else out there better than the seeming indecisive child who had broken his heart. Trembling, she tried to pull away, finding her hand held firm in Therek’s grasp. Staring down at their clasped fingers she drew in a deep breath, struggling to rein in the rage quickly boiling to the surface against her will.
“Let me go,” she hissed through gritted teeth, tugging against his hold once again. At the coolness of her tone she watched the pain in Therek’s face intensify beyond that which she thought possible. A soft sparkle under his lashes resembled what looked to be a tear forming along the edge of the lid, the light from his hand flickering slightly before winking out of existence to leave them standing in darkness,
“Kaori, please…”
“I have nothing more to say to you. If you intend only to insult me further by comparing me to that wretch who wronged you before I was even born, then I care not to listen any longer.”
“I mean no offense, I merely think you need more time. You have been through so much.”
“Do not try to make it sound as if this has anything to do with what I have gone through.”
“But it does! You have endured a great deal of loss. I would expect you to share a similar fear.”
“Of course I am afraid,” she snapped angrily. “We are in the middle of a war. My parents are dead. My brother was murdered before my eyes. Because of me, everyone I have ever cared about has been snatched
from my life by the hands of Sytlea. Do you not think that I have considered the danger I place you in by allowing you near me? I love you, Therek. Somehow I thought that would make it worth the risk. Apparently I was wrong.”
Taking advantage of the momentary shock her words caused in Therek, she tore her hand from his with a firm pull, hearing his feet shuffle across the floor in attempts to maintain his balance under the force. In that moment she wished she could see his face. To look into the eyes of the man she convinced herself was worthy of being her husband. How foolish she had been! Maybe he was right after all. Perhaps she was too young to make such a decision. Clearly her heart was too trusting. She would make sure the same mistake didn’t happen twice.
Her anger was quickly starting to transform into misery. Tears burned her eyes, threatening to fall against her wishes. The last thing she wanted was for Therek to see her cry. He didn’t deserve her tears. Not after the way he rejected her. She offered him her heart on a silver platter and he threw it on the ground only to stomp it into tiny pieces. Turning on her heel she made her way back in the direction of the door, anxious to be out of that room. This meeting brought with it more than she bargained for. She was beginning to wonder if she would have been better off letting Liurn chase her down.
Footsteps sounded from behind her, stumbling through the darkness to try and reach her before she found her way to the exit. Kaori’s fingers had barely brushed the handle of the doorknob when she heard Therek’s voice cut through her emotional thoughts, the words he spoke causing her to stop dead in her tracks, a slight flutter in her chest leaving an uncomfortable ache in its place when it finally ceased.
“I love you, Kaori.”
She was quiet for a moment. For so long she wanted to hear him say those words. Now they brought with them only pain, an empty feeling in her heart leaving her emotionless and drained. “It is too late,” she whispered into the darkness. There was nothing more to be said. Satisfied that the footsteps no longer made their way toward her, she twisted the handle in a swift motion, eyes locked straight ahead on the hallway as she pulled the door open to step out into the corridor. If she saw Therek’s face again, she feared she would lose her nerve to walk away. It was better that she not see the torment it caused him to watch her leave. Right now she wanted to be angry. Once her tears of self-pity had been allowed to escape in the privacy of her own room, she would consider the possibility of one day forgiving Therek for what he’d done. Until that time, she had no desire to remain in his presence.
With a final pull she let the door slam shut behind her, grateful for the protective barrier between them. Good riddance. She didn’t need a king. She was a Levadis. A proud line of pureblooded Vor’shai. She would show everyone that she was more than capable of leading their people without anyone by her side. No man was going to stop her from accomplishing what she set out to do. Not General Deliao. Not Sulel. Not Therek. She would lead her people to victory and she would rejoice in the freedom they achieved under her rule. Then maybe everyone would see that she wasn’t an innocent child in need of protection anymore. If only that day would come a little sooner…
A soft sea breeze wafted through Kaori’s hair, her eyes closed, inhaling a deep breath to take in the scent of the saltwater on the air. She possessed no memory of her previous experience with sea travel. Now she was wide awake. More alert than ever. Since the night of the final meeting in Namorea things had moved so quickly, she barely knew what was going on anymore. She regretted not being able to talk with Therek one last time before he left for Carpaen. He departed Ramis’s home before she awoke the morning after their argument. Upon hearing the news, she had been devastated to learn that she wouldn’t have a chance to say a proper farewell. Anger aside, he was still her friend. She owed him more than what she’d given him in those final moments. But there was no changing the past. The words were said and all she could do now was move on and focus on the preparations for war.
Ramis was not far behind Therek in crossing the Nahpoa, his ship prepared and on its way to Carpaen within a few weeks of seeing Therek off. They were behind schedule from their original plan, though it worked to their benefit. With the extra time between departures, it granted Therek an opportunity to train many of the soldiers who would fight beside them without drawing notice to his presence. His task would be more difficult without Captain Ugaro or Ramis there to assist. Once the men arrived to aid him, they would be able to take on more soldiers and spread out their locations to lessen the chances of being observed by Deliao and his men.
The number of Namiren soldiers crossing onto Carpaen soil was sure to catch the attention of someone. It was the reason Kaori insisted that the final ship from Namorea set sail within a week of Ramis’s departure. They were taking too many chances. Time wasn’t a luxury they possessed. The longer she waited behind, the greater danger she placed Therek and the others in. If they were caught by the Imperial Army, victory would be unobtainable.
Leaning out over the rail of the ship’s deck, she stared down at the water, lost in the chaotic tumult of her thoughts. She was nervous about seeing Therek again. After she had time to think things over, she realized that she’d overreacted to the things he said. It made sense he would be more cautious before allowing himself to take such a leap where his heart was concerned. And for her to propose marriage! They had only just admitted that they felt a deeper connection beyond friendship. The proper thing for her to have done was request more time with him. To get to know him on a more intimate level. Their predicament with the war clouded her judgment. All she could think about was the chance of losing him. She wanted to experience true happiness with the man she loved before they went off to die in this war. But that wasn’t enough to justify forcing something as drastic as marriage upon him. Not when he had so many reasons to hesitate.
Her regret came in the fact that she never had a chance to apologize before Therek left. She couldn’t imagine what he must think of her. In the back of her mind she could still hear his voice, telling her the words she longed so much to hear – and she turned him away. He loved her. Wasn’t that enough to satisfy her until this was over? In her anger she refused to accept that it was. Now it was all she could think about. There was no guarantee he would ever talk to her again. He doesn’t have a choice. As the General, he would be required to speak with her. She was the Queen. If pulling rank was what she had to do in order to get him to talk, she had every intention of doing so.
The faint sound of footsteps along the ship deck pulled her from her thoughts, her head lifting to glance over her shoulder to find where the noise had come from. She was saddened to find Liurn standing there, solemn and stern, somewhat pale from the constant rocking motion of the ship. He looked ill. Kaori’s heart went out to him, understanding the way he must feel. Her own stomach had been queasy for the past few days and showed no sign of improving until they again found themselves on dry land.
“Is there anything I can get for you, Your Majesty?”
“Do not call me that,” she sighed, turning to lean her back against the rail, casual in her motions, hopeful that her relaxed stance might help ease Liurn’s stiff, formal posture. “When we are around the others it is necessary but when we are alone, I am still the same Kaori you have always known.”
“You’re not the same, though,” he frowned, hesitant as he took another step toward her. “I tried to convince myself that you were. The truth is that you are far different from the girl I first met at the Losuva estate in Siundel.”
“I am not that different.”
“You are not the same.”
Unsure whether it was intended as an insult, Kaori straightened her back, arms folded across her chest. She couldn’t read his expression. There was something in his eyes, a hint of sadness, though she could only assume it had something to do with the words exchanged between them before he chose to force his lips upon her. How fitting this is. She knew how Liurn must feel standing there before her now after she trampled
over his heart. The gods had seen fit to punish her by having Therek stomp on hers in return. “In my heart I am the same, Liurn,” she replied quietly. Sympathetic to the heartache he must have endured because of her. “Time has merely hardened it a little.”
“Not hardened, I don’t think.” Easing the tension in his muscles, Liurn moved slowly across the deck, coming to stand a few feet away from Kaori by the rail. Eyes cast out over the water he kept his distance. Careful not to get too close. “You have built up walls since then which make it harder to reach you. At least in the way I desired. But I have come to accept it. My hope was that we may be able to reconcile our friendship.”
“There is nothing for you to reconcile. It is I who should seek forgiveness for the things I said.”
“You were honest. There is no crime in that.”
“I could have been a bit gentler, perhaps. Eloquence of speech is not something I have ever been accused of possessing.”
Guilt crept over her to see the sadness so obvious in Liurn’s troubled expression. She didn’t want to think it was entirely her fault, though she knew a great deal of it was. But she’d been truthful in everything she said. It would have been worse if she chose to conceal her lack of feelings and led him to believe there was a chance for them as anything more than friends. Unfortunately, their friendship suffered because of it.
With a heavy sigh she slid slowly across the floor to close the gap between herself and Liurn, resting her elbows on the rail to follow his gaze down to the water. “I am sorry things could not be different. You have been a better friend over the past year than most have been my entire life. Do not think I hold no appreciation for that.”
The Myatheira Chronicles: Volume Four: In the Beginning Page 76
